Page 39 of Harbor Lights (Inishderry Island Romances #3)

TWENTY-SEVEN

“Fucking fuck.” Con abandoned the spilled coffee grinds and ran for the front door, swinging it open and breathing in the cool air, the bridge of her nose squeezed tight between her fingers.

Her hot flashes were worse today than they had been for years.

She knew the advice she’d give her menopausal patients: cut down on the coffee and the drink; identify the stressors in your life; get some exercise.

So much for that. The coffee was the only thing holding her together until it was a respectable time to crack open the bottle of cask-aged whiskey she’d bought on her journey home. The journey that had been so full of positivity and hope.

Well, at least it was simple to identify where her stress lay. Perhaps she should drag herself out on a walk. The fire burning throughout her body had subsided and she went back inside for another attempt at brewing coffee.

How had she so monumentally fucked things up in such a short space of time?

And everything in this damned house now reminded her of Shiv, which wasn’t helping at all.

From the front door that now closed effortlessly, to her clean and modern consulting room, and the new room Shiv had rescued from hoarded junk, to create a space for a new team member to reduce her load.

Her phone lay on the worktop, half covered by a pile of coffee.

She cleaned up the mess, running her hand over the oak surface.

When the coffee machine was grumbling away, she blew her phone clean and checked for messages.

There was one from Joey, asking if she was okay after her swift, unannounced exit from the island.

She couldn’t bear to reply. She couldn’t hide the truth from Joey, but she wasn’t ready to talk about it just yet.

She needed to talk to Shiv. She wanted to explain she was terrified of getting hurt again.

Of the whole community seeing her being rejected once more.

Nothing Shiv had done was to blame for that.

She’d been kind and caring, and the previous night had revealed her depth of feeling. Hadn’t Shiv said she loved her?

But Con truly didn’t know if she could admit all of her fears, or even move on from the memories of her heartbreak.

She wanted to call and hear Shiv’s voice. But what if she didn’t pick up? It would be a sure confirmation she was sick of Con’s weakness.

Con took a deep breath and jabbed at the screen.

I’m so sorry about this morning. It isn’t what you thought. I messed up. Please let me see you and try to explain x

She dropped the phone, dreading a rejection, or worse, no reply. She poured a mug of coffee and took it to her study. Even the unobstructed view of the sea reminded her of Shiv. She needed to get outdoors and look at the sky and the open water. Wild elements she had no control over.

She tipped her coffee into a travel mug, pulled on some waterproof clothing, then headed for the beach, ignoring the freezing drizzle that drove into her face.

She’d marched a full half mile along the golden stretch of beach before she realized she’d left her phone in the house.

“Aaaaahhhh!” The wind whipped away the scream that held so much more than the frustration of forgetting her phone. She dropped onto the wet sand and grabbed a handful. She tried to throw it away, but it stuck to her hand, and she rubbed it against her leg irritably.

Perhaps it was for the best she wasn’t driving herself to distraction checking every five seconds for a response. Maybe she should just spend some time out here with the elements, even if the elements were being particularly hostile.

She stood, ignoring the wet sand caked to her waterproof pants.

She didn’t have the energy to care. She forced herself on toward the end of the beach, running things over in her head.

What did she want? To be with Shiv. She knew that without a doubt.

She wanted to get to know every inch of her, inside and out.

To understand the unique code by which she lived her life, what she loved, what she feared.

Although Con suspected the latter would be a short list.

But to regain Shiv’s trust—if that was even a possibility—she would have to prove Shiv had her trust. That she wasn’t too afraid of failure to give them a go. Could she say that with certainty?

Perhaps if they talked, if she explained her fears to Shiv, they could find a way forward.

She turned back toward home, the rain and wind that drove her back barely registering as she resolved to talk through their problems. Now she just needed to convince Shiv to allow her to explain her reaction.

She didn’t bother to take off her sopping wet clothing before she rushed into the kitchen to retrieve her phone. She flicked through a stack of notifications until she found the one she needed.

I’ll be working all day on the club house.

Short, but not a refusal to see her. She typed back quickly.

I was planning to be there, too. Can we talk alone afterwards?

She watched the three dots dancing for what felt like a day.

Okay. Come back to the cabin when we’re done.

She smiled as she typed.

Thank you! I’ll be there.

Not exactly a victory, but at least she’d have her chance to explain.

She hung her clothes to dry and returned to her other notifications with a lighter heart.

She was surprised to see three missed calls from Majella.

She hoped she didn’t want to restart their conversation about her not visiting.

But she felt uncomfortable about not calling her back, so she cracked open her new bottle of whiskey and took a seat in her study, resting her feet on the coffee table.

“Connie.” Majella picked up almost before the first ring.

“Hi there. Is everything okay?”

“No.” Majella’s voice cracked. “Aud has told me to move out.”

“What? Why?” While, in Con’s eyes, Audrey had never seemed like the ideal domestic partner, she and Majella seemed to get along just fine. Con hadn’t seen any sign of a rift when she’d been visiting, although Audrey was generally not the warmest of people, so perhaps it was difficult to tell.

“I don’t know.” Majella sobbed. Con couldn’t ever remember seeing her cry and she couldn’t help but feel for her.

“Well, what did she say? Are you at home?”

“No. She moved all of my stuff into the apartment and told me to stay there.”

Con squeezed the bridge of her nose. She’d had enough of an emotional rollercoaster over the last couple of days without Majella adding to it. “She must’ve said something, Ella.” She slipped automatically into the old pet name.

“She said we’d grown apart.” Majella blew her nose loudly. “And there was no point… being together. I don’t understand, Connie. I thought we were happy.” She sobbed again.

“Look, maybe she’s going through something herself, and it’s just a blip. If you give her some time?—”

“But I’m just sitting here, Connie. On my own in this… place,” Majella wailed.

“It’s the loft by the university, right?” Con had stayed there once, and it was hardly a prison cell. It was a three-bedroom spacious apartment with a roof garden, complete with cityscape view.

“Yes, but it’s so empty, and I’m here on my own.”

“Can you call one of your university friends to come over?”

“What and let them see me sitting here, rejected?”

Like you left me to be pitied by my whole community? Con shook off that thought.

“If they’re your true friends, they’ll rally round and support you.”

“But that’s the problem. They’re all Audrey’s friends, too, and she’ll pressure them into taking her side, I’m sure she will.”

Majella sounded pathetic, but Con didn’t know how she could help.

“Do you want to come and stay here for a while?” She didn’t really want that, but she had to offer.

“I can’t leave now. I’ve got student meetings immediately after the new year.”

“Well then, maybe just get some rest, and perhaps you’ll get a chance to talk things through with Audrey.”

“Oh, can’t you come? Just for a couple of days?”

Even by Majella’s standards that was a big ask. “I only just left, Majella. And I also have a job to go back to.”

“But you could get someone to cover, couldn’t you? In an emergency.”

Con was pretty sure her ex-partner’s domestic problems didn’t count as an emergency, but she didn’t have the heart to point that out.

“Please, Connie. You’re my oldest, closest friend. I need you. I’m just sitting here alone among all these boxes, and I can’t cope. Please.”

Con squeezed her eyes shut. She could fly tomorrow evening, spend New Year’s Day helping Majella get settled and then return the following day in time for work.

But she’d arranged to help with the clubhouse and, more importantly, try to fix things with Shiv. But Majella needed her now, and Shiv would still be there when she got back. They could talk then, couldn’t they?

“I’m not promising anything, but I’ll see if I can move a couple of things around here and book flights.”

“Oh, thank you so much, Connie. It’ll be so reassuring to have you here.”

“I’ll speak to you in the morning, Ella. Try and get some sleep.”

She hung up and sat for a few more minutes, wondering at her priorities. She owed Majella nothing, but their bond was deep, and she was needed there.

Shiv didn’t need anyone. Con was just a distraction in her life.

She tried not to dwell on their night together, or the thing that had built between them before that.

It was an illusion Con had created to fill the loneliness in her life.

Like she was ever going to have the happily ever after she craved.

She might as well focus her efforts on where she could make a difference.

She shrugged off the uncomfortable feeling and searched for flights on her phone. There was a flight late evening tomorrow. That would give her time to help out at the clubhouse as she’d promised, and to clear the air with Shiv. She needed to be realistic about where their relationship could go.

Then she’d have a day to get Majella back on track before her return to work.

“Ugh.” Not much more than twelve hours ago she’d awoken to a future full of joy and hope.

To the belief that she and Shiv could be together.

Then she’d panicked at the thought of Shiv telling their friends about their night together.

That people might pity her or shake their heads knowingly when it inevitably ended.

Now all she had to look forward to was a heartbreaking conversation with Shiv, and more travel. She’d been happily anticipating their New Year’s Eve together on Inishderry. But now it would be spent putting Majella’s life back together. What about her own life?

She dropped Joey a text promising to talk the following day and dragged herself to bed. It was still early, but this day had been too much hard work already. She’d be better off to see the back of it.

But lying in bed, all she could think of was Shiv’s face when she’d asked her to be discreet about what had happened between them. That wasn’t too much to ask, was it? That she didn’t get humiliated once more?

She drifted off into a restless sleep, with too many things to accomplish the following day, and little enthusiasm for any of them.

* * *

“You didn’t have to come get me.” Con stood on the small deck of Queen Maedbh watching Joey prepare for the journey back to Inishderry.

“I know, but I’ve been out all morning, anyway. You disappeared so quickly yesterday, and you said you wanted to talk about it. So, this is our chance. Before we’re surrounded by half the island.”

Con followed them into the wheelhouse and dropped onto the wooden bench. “I said I was willing to talk about it. Not the same thing.”

Joey shut the cabin door and started the engine. “Have you fucked it up?”

There was no judgment in the question, just a gentle nudge to get her to talk.

“Oh, God, I think so, Joey.” She leaned her elbows on her knees. “I panicked and got scared.”

“Scared of commitment?”

“Oh, Lord, no. I bypassed us actually being in a relationship and went straight to when she dumps me.” It sounded worse out loud.

For a few moments, there was just the thrum of the engine and the vibration that accompanied it.

“It’s not surprising that’s where you went. You’ve been dwelling on the last time it happened for ten years.”

That wasn’t the version of her she wanted to be remembered for. “It’s terrible, isn’t it? I’m wasting my life on a decision someone else made.”

“It’s not terrible, but if you want your life to change, you need to approach it differently.”

“Like by not being afraid?” She looked up at Joey, but their eyes were on the sea as they steered them across the open water to Inishderry.

“Everyone’s afraid, Doc. Some people are just better at hiding it.”

“Siobhán isn’t. She’s fearless.”

“About some things, maybe. But she’s terrified of not being good enough for you.”

“Ha. That’s ridiculous. If anything, I’m punching above my weight there.”

“Have you told her that?” Joey maneuvered them around the lighthouse, and she knew the conversation was running out of time. She stood and moved next to Joey as they approached the quay.

“No, we barely had time for conversation before I got into a flap and Shiv misunderstood and left.”

“So, you’re going to put things straight today?”

“Uh. I’m hoping to, but I need to get back home this afternoon to pack.”

Joey turned. “You’re not around to see in the New Year?”

“I…” She studied her shoes. She couldn’t lie to Joey, but she was embarrassed to admit she was running to Majella’s rescue. “I need to pop over to Cambridge for a couple of days. I’ll explain things properly to Shiv when I get back.”

Joey said nothing as they pulled up to the quay and went out onto deck.

Con followed as they swung a rope around a mooring bollard and pulled tight. “That’s okay, isn’t it? I don’t want to rush it with Shiv, and she’ll be here when I get back.”

Joey held out a hand to steady her as she stepped onto the stone harbor steps. “That’s your choice to make, Doc. Only you can decide where your priorities lie.”

This was a rare time she wished Joey was more outspoken. She’d love for someone to tell her the right thing to do. But deep down, she knew, as Joey did, she didn’t need to hear it from someone else. It was perfectly clear what she should do.