Page 29 of Harbor Lights (Inishderry Island Romances #3)

NINETEEN

The vibration of the coffee grinder reverberated through Con’s elbows as she gripped the cold concrete worktop. Everything in sight was fucking concrete. She was fairly sure this was the third kitchen refit since Majella and Audrey had bought the house eight or nine years ago. What a waste .

Then she thought back to her wreck of a kitchen and how Shiv had gently coaxed her to make some changes. Was that worse than wasting money changing things around for the sake of it?

God, she missed Shiv. What was she doing here wasting her vacation playing happy families when they could’ve had time together? Shiv had made it clear she’d wanted to.

But Con had drifted back into her rut. She’d promised herself the previous visit would be the last, yet here she was once more.

She jumped when Audrey placed a mug in front of her.

“You okay there? You were miles away.”

Con stared out into the bare winter garden. “I was just admiring your… trees.”

Audrey nodded. “They’ll look better in a year or two. We took out all the old apple trees. They were past it. These will look pretty all year round.”

Con was surprised they hadn’t concreted it to match the kitchen. She sipped her coffee.

“Come and sit in the lounge.” Audrey waved toward the open door, and the sound of a baby crying.

Christmas Day had been pleasant enough with just Audrey’s younger daughter, Vanessa, visiting. But today, they’d been joined by the newly wed Stephen and his wife, and Catherine, with her husband and baby. Large though the house was, it felt too full of people she didn’t really want to be around.

“I’ll go and sit in the garden for a moment. I’m feeling a little…” She waved her hand in front of her face and hoped she looked flustered enough to carry it off as a hot flash.

“Oh, I’m well past those days. It only bothered me for a couple of years.” Audrey entered the lounge. “Right, let’s have a round of charades.”

Glad of her escape, Con let herself out into the walled courtyard that led to what had once been the orchard. She found a small metal table with two chairs folded against it. She unfolded one and sat rubbing her face.

This has to end. I’ve let it rule my life for too long.

She pulled out her phone. She had two more days here, but all she wanted was to get back home.

The photo Tierney had sent yesterday hadn’t helped her mood, but she couldn’t resist another look.

The rowdy family photo featured the older members sitting primly at the front, with a boisterous bunch of cousins, friends and neighbors crowded behind.

Her eyes immediately searched out Shiv. She was on the outer fringes of the group, but smiling away, her arms around Aoife’s eldest, Gracie, and the cute Waterside chef, Colette.

Even Gracie, not quite thirteen, was a few inches taller.

Colette’s arm was draped around Shiv’s shoulder, pulling her close. Or so it looked to Con.

She dropped her phone in frustration. What was she doing? Shiv could cozy up to whoever she wanted; it was nothing to do with her.

But it was, whether she liked it or not. She wanted Shiv’s arm around her, and more. She was falling deeper all the time. Where the hell could it lead to, other than heartbreak? The one thing she’d always sworn she’d never go through again.

She drank down her cooling coffee and pulled up the airline website. She wouldn’t waste another moment here. She would get home and think about what to do next. And talk to Joey. Joey always set her straight.

The flight was booked by the time Majella came outside to find her. “Are you okay? Aud said you were having a hot flash, but you’ve been out here ages.”

Majella pulled the other chair out and sat opposite.

She smiled, but her forest green eyes were full of concern.

Long ago they’d been full of love and desire.

But it really was long ago. And Con had spent too much of her life wishing to return to those days.

There was no going back. It was time to move forward.

“I need to go home, Majella. Will you run me to the airport tomorrow?”

Her smile dropped. “Tomorrow? Your flight’s on Thursday.”

“I changed it. I’m sorry, I need to get back.”

“To what? The surgery’s closed, and you’ve got emergency cover until next week.”

A spark of irritation flared. “There’s more to my life than just work.” But please don’t ask me for specifics.

Majella held up her hands. “Okay, fine. I’ll take you. What time will we leave?”

“By nine, if that’s okay?”

Majella nodded with a frown. “So, will you come in and play party games on your last evening?”

“Of course.” It seemed more bearable now she knew she was leaving. “Can we be on the same team?”

Majella stood and led the way back inside. She turned her head and smiled a little sadly. “Yes, Audrey likes to team up with Stephen. He should be on one of those quiz shows. There’s nothing he doesn’t know.”

Majella was good to her word the following day. After a round of farewells, they got in the car for the airport. They drove in silence for a while until Majella glanced across at her.

“Thank you for coming over. I know it’s a long way, but it means so much to have you here.”

“Why does it?” The question was out before she could stop it.

“Pardon?” Majella kept her eyes on the road.

She may as well ask what she’d never understood. “Why have you always insisted on me spending my vacations with you? Was it guilt?”

Majella blinked a few times, and the silence dragged on.

“Probably, to begin with.” She bit her lip. “Yes, it was. But you were my best friend, Connie. I didn’t want to lose that. I love our conversations.”

Con didn’t try to fill the pause. She had the feeling Majella had more to say.

“Audrey’s amazing. She’s a genius. Her ideas are so powerful. But…”

Con waited.

“Sometimes, it’s just nice to talk about nothing. Or to laugh about something inconsequential. I missed that after we…I…”

“So, you kept me around for the small talk?”

Majella’s head shot around. “Oh, God, no. Why would you think that?”

“That’s precisely what you said.”

“Not small talk. Normal conversation. Fun stuff. Audrey doesn’t have the greatest sense of humor.”

“I know, Majella. I’ve spent the last nine Christmases and countless other celebrations with her. But I don’t think it was her sparkling wit that drew you to her in the first place.”

Majella sighed. “We’ve talked about this before. Audrey and I were on similar career trajectories and…”

“Staying with the small-town doctor wasn’t going to get you there.”

“Oh, Connie.” Majella reached out for her hand and Con took it, squeezing slightly to let her know it was okay. Perhaps it finally was. They were on the motorway now, and they stayed hand in hand until Majella pulled off for the airport exit and needed her hand for a gear change.

“I have to visit less often.” She found it hard to say, but being unwilling to say the words was the reason she’d spent so many vacations in Cambridge.

“What do you mean?”

She shifted in her seat. “I need to get on with my own life, Majella. As you’ve got on with yours. I can’t rely on you for companionship. I have friends. They’re almost family. And I should be with them more. Like now, for Christmas. Sorry.”

“But I love your company, Connie. It’s my favorite thing about Christmas. Having you here.”

“You made your choice long ago. You don’t get to keep the parts of us that you liked the best and carry on with your other life. It’s not fair.”

They were pulling into the drop-off area of the airport now, and Majella pulled up way before the entrance.

She turned in her seat. “That’s not what this is.”

“It is, Majella. And it has to stop now. We’ll keep in touch. Maybe we could meet in London for the theater. But I can’t be a spare part you pull out for holidays.” She leaned over and kissed Majella on the cheek.

When she got out of the car, Majella’s eyes were wet.

“Bye, Majella. Take care.”

“Bye, Connie.” Her voice was small.

Con walked into the airport with her shoulders straight. Whatever the mess she had caused herself on the island, it was her mess, and she’d face it head on.

Through security and nursing a cup of coffee while she waited for her gate to be called, her confidence waned.

She flicked through the messages on her phone to the image Joey had sent yesterday: a selfie of them with Marianne and Denny, eating breakfast in their tiny kitchen.

Finally, a meal on our own. I love the holidays, but I’ll be glad when things get back to normal.

What was a normal day for Con? For the last few years, it had entailed working hard all day, then sitting at her dining table, or in the Harbor Lounge, alone.

But more recently, normal had been carving out time to spend with Shiv—walks on the beach or working together on some DIY project.

That was the normal she wanted. She just had to keep her nerve and work out a plan to get there.

She replied to Joey.

Surprise! Coming back early. I’ll be home by mid afternoon if you can spare an hour for a coffee? I need your advice.

Joey would know how to handle this.

* * *

“You want what with Shiv?” Joey’s brow furrowed.

“I don’t… I want to… ” She pinched the bridge of her nose as if that would stem the flow of thoughts pouring around her head. “I don’t fucking know, Joey.”

She slumped across the table and nursed her mug. “I like her. A lot.”

“Shiv Walsh? Yeah, she’s amazing. Everyone likes her.”

Con wasn’t sure if Joey was being obtuse, or if she wasn’t being clear. It was difficult when she wasn’t sure what it was she was trying to say.

“Joey.” She grabbed Joey’s hand, as if the problem was they weren’t paying attention. “I. Like. Shiv.” Just say it, coward . “I’m falling in love with her, big time.”

“With Shiv?” Joey blinked. “You and Shiv? Oh. How did I not see that going on?”

“Nothing has been ‘going on’. We’ve spent time together on the house. And now the youth club project. And… ”

“Does Shiv feel the same way?”

“I don’t know.” She did know. “Sort of. We… kissed.”

“When?” Joey’s eyes were wide.

“The night Mari did the tasting menu at the Waterside, and we had dinner. Just briefly. But we talked after, and we want very different things. I said I just wanted to be friends.”

“But you don’t?”

“I don’t want to lose her as a friend. But I don’t think it’s enough. Being friends.” She regarded Joey, hoping they’d come up with a solution now she’d bared her soul.

Joey reversed their grip and squeezed her hand. “You should’ve told me sooner. Mari’s been encouraging Colette to ask her out.”

“Colette?” Fuck. She’d been right; the sexy chef was on a mission.

“Sorry. We didn’t know. But if it’s any consolation, I don’t think she’s gotten very far. So, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. That’s what I wanted your advice about.”

“Ha. I’m not sure I’m the best person to ask. If you followed my example, you’d avoid her and convince yourself she won’t hang around.”

Con’s laugh sounded hollow to her own ears. “Will she, though?”

“You’re the one who’s been kissing her.” Joey grinned when Con gently punched their arm. “She seems happy here. Certainly happier than when she arrived.”

That much was true. In a couple of months, Shiv had transformed from a haunted, easily spooked outsider, to a popular member of the community.

“Did I miss much at the Christmas lunch?”

“Not really. Well, the food was amazing, the chef was gorgeous. Mari, I mean. I don’t have an opinion about Colette.”

Con gave them another arm punch. “Don’t tease me.”

“Shiv seemed to enjoy herself. She left early, with the children trooping along after her, like the pied piper of Inishderry.”

“Really?” Shiv got on well with the younger islanders, but Con was surprised she’d taken on childminding duties.

“I think it worked out well for all of them. Shiv had done peopling, and the kids wanted to get back to their new toys. Mari was knackered, so we followed on a while later. Tierney said they had a music session after we left. She said they missed your fiddle playing.”

“I doubt that.” But Con felt she’d missed out on the community event.

Joey and Tierney, and their families, made her feel more included than she ever had in her village on the mainland.

She’d always be on the periphery there. But it gave her a warm feeling to know she was part of this little group of friends.

“How was Cambridge?”

“Same old, same old. Majella was pleased to see me. But Audrey’s hard work.” She clasped her hands in her lap. “I’ve told Majella I’m not going over there for every vacation anymore.”

She looked up to see Joey’s reaction.

Their face broke into the widest smile. “Oh, well done.” The smile faded a little. “How did Majella take it?”

“Not amazingly. But it’s her life. She needs to live it. And I need to live mine.”

“So, what finally made you act?” Joey’s eyes widened. “Is it Shiv?”

“Maybe a little.” She had to be honest, with herself as well as Joey, if she was going to navigate her way through these uncharted waters. “A lot. But I should’ve done it years ago, regardless.”

“Well, whatever the reason, I’m pleased for you.” Joey clinked their mug against hers. “We can start planning your next vacay.”

She chuckled. “Let’s just get through to the new year first. What are your plans?”

“Sorting oysters tomorrow morning. Kasia’s got a load of bookings for new year, so I need to deliver as much as I can. Ferry’s running tomorrow. Get yourself over, and we can gather at the Waterside. I’ll invite Shiv.” They winked.

Con rubbed her forehead. “I’ll speak to her. But first I need to decide what I want to say to her.”

Long after Joey had headed back, Con sat nursing her cold mug of tea.

What she wanted wasn’t in question. She wanted it all; a future with Shiv, where she was certain Shiv would never cut and run once she found Con too old and stuck in her ways.

But life didn’t work like that. So, what could she realistically hope for? And would that be enough?