Page 4 of Give Me a Reason

Frederick instinctively stumbled after Anne, his stomach sinking at the sight of her retreating back, but he stopped himself short after several panic-stricken steps. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why was he chasing after her? He was the one who chased her away in the first place.

And yet, he couldn’t stop staring after her. He stood rooted to the spot, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides, until she disappeared into Ms. Hong’s classroom.

Only then did the trance finally break.

He all but ran toward the parking lot, tugging on his shirt collar, which dug into his throat like it had shrunk two sizes. The air felt both too thick and too thin. No matter how many breaths he took, he couldn’t fill his lungs.

Why was she so skinny? And she looked so pale and tired. Had she been putting her needs last to meet the expectations of others? She had a habit of doing that without even realizing it. He’d been trying to break that bad habit of hers when she…

He growled in frustration and lengthened his strides. It didn’t matter whether she was too thin or not. He didn’t care if she put herself last. She wasn’t his to worry about. She hadn’t been for ten years.

His car door whined in protest when he jerked it open with unnecessary force. What the hell was she doing in the US anyway? He dropped into the driver’s seat, his heart pounding against his rib cage, and wearily tugged the door shut.

It had taken more effort than he cared to admit to not chase after her back there. The tip of her nose had turned pink like it did when she was fighting back tears. Fuck. He held out his hands in front of him. They were shaking. She had been shaking.

He fumbled with his keys and started the car.

Everything about her seemed muted—even her long black hair had lost its silken sheen—like something had leached away her vibrancy.

She hadn’t thrived without him. A vicious spike of satisfaction shot through him, but his chest twisted into an aching knot with emotions he couldn’t face.

Live your life, Frederick.

She’d made it sound so simple. Maybe she had wanted to believe he would just go on with his life after she left him. Would she still have gone if she’d foreseen the wreckage she left behind?

“Shit.” He plowed his fingers through his hair.

Instinct told him to floor it and screech out of the parking lot—to get as far away from her, as fast as possible—but he couldn’t endanger children in his hurry to escape. Besides, there was no running from his own thoughts.

He had to stop acting like he’d seen a ghost. He had to stop acting like she meant something to him. She—God, he couldn’t even think her name—meant nothing to him. Fucking Anne Lee meant nothing to him. Not anymore.

The hurt in her eyes… He ruthlessly crushed the guilt threatening to grip his insides. He was angry. He had every right to be. She was the one who had no right to be hurt even if he acted like an asshole.

Frederick leaned back on the headrest and closed his eyes.

He had both dreaded and dreamed of seeing Anne for years after she’d left him.

On some days, he imagined winning her back, so she would smile her gentle, secret smile for him.

On other days, he dreamed about rubbing her face in his success—he’d gone into finance initially, earning a disgusting amount of money—and making her regret leaving him.

But as the days turned into months and months into years, he’d forgotten her.

Yes, he’d forgotten her. He stopped living to win her back—or to get back at her.

He learned to live for himself again. It took years, but he did it.

He left Wall Street and became a firefighter.

He wanted to do something good and worthwhile with his life.

Eventually, his broken heart mended itself—the cracks were practically invisible as long as he didn’t look too closely. He’d even forgotten his anger… until he ran into her today. Now he recalled his rage all too well. Rage, not hurt. He couldn’t still hurt after all these years.

Blowing out a long breath, he drove out of the parking lot and headed straight for the station even though there was no reason to rush. Despite what he’d said to Anne, he wasn’t in a hurry.

Participating in community events, including giving talks at local schools, was part of his job. And he had no doubt his lieutenant, Joe Alvarez, had handled the morning truck check and briefing without a hitch.

The only real rush here was Frederick. He didn’t want to sit alone with his thoughts for a second longer. Get a grip, Nam . It wasn’t as though Anne Lee was back in his life. He merely ran into her this once—a strange and cruel coincidence. There was no reason to believe it would happen again.

He wiped a hand down his face and checked the clock on the dashboard. It was still early. He’d hightailed it out of the classroom without even doing a Q&A session. He shook his head with an embarrassed grimace.

But he was relieved he would have time to hit the station gym. He needed to shake this off before his meeting with the battalion chief, Pete Lin. He was Frederick’s closest friend, but this was their job. Being less than professional would be an insult to them both.

Keeping his mind a careful blank, Frederick drove the rest of the way on autopilot. By the time he parked at the station, his hands had stopped shaking. His body had finally caught up with the fact that running into Anne Lee after a decade was not a big deal.

As he walked into the apparatus bay, the familiar din of his crew finishing up their morning routine surrounded him.

“Enough bickering, rookies,” Joe bellowed, his deep voice echoing off the walls of the cavernous bay. “You can top off the gas for the chain saws together .”

“I always top off the chain saws,” Nick grumbled.

“Good.” Joe arched a dark eyebrow at the burly redhead. “You can show Sandy how it’s done, so you two can alternate from now on.”

“But, Lieutenant—” Sandy began, shooting daggers at Nick, who gave her a shit-eating grin.

“I don’t want to hear it.” Joe held up his hand, ending the discussion, and headed toward Frederick. “Hey, Captain. I didn’t expect you for another hour.”

“Things wrapped up quicker than I’d thought,” Frederick said vaguely, making straight for the hallway that led to his office.

“The kids usually ask a ton of questions at those things.” Joe smirked. “You must’ve bored the shit out of them.”

Frederick gave him the bird without breaking his stride. “How did this morning go?”

“What do you mean how did it go?” His friend bristled. “It went fine. I can handle roll call without you holding my hand.”

“Whoa. Why are you so touchy this morning?” Frederick stopped in front of his office, gawking at the other man. “ Of course you can handle roll call, but it’s my job to follow up with you.”

“I know. Sorry. It’s just… Coraline wants to change the color scheme again.” Joe heaved a sigh and followed Frederick into his office. “She had me on the phone until one o’clock last night.”

“That’s rough.” Frederick cringed in sympathy. Coraline Hong was Joe’s fiancée and Bethany’s older sister. She was a lovely woman, but she was fraying around the edges, juggling her legal career with the wedding planning.

“The flowers, the cake, and the decorations have to be changed yet again.” Joe clutched his short black curls in both his fists.

“I know the drill after the last two times she changed her mind, so I can handle most of the replanning. That’s not the problem.

It’s just that Coraline will be stressed out of her mind. ”

“And a stressed-out fiancée is not a happy fiancée.” Frederick clapped his friend on the shoulder. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. I am one of your groomsmen.”

“You already did me a huge favor by going to speak to Bethany’s class.” Joe released his hair from his punishing grasp. “You know how I feel about public speaking.”

“Yeah, second graders can be a tough crowd,” Frederick joked, even as he recalled why he’d been in such a hurry to hit the gym.

His friend’s wedding woes had briefly distracted him from his own troubles, but the tension crept back into his shoulders as memories of this morning resurfaced.

“Do you have time to spot me in the gym?”

“Sure.” Joe pointed his thumb at the door over his shoulder. “Why don’t you start warming up? I’ll be there after a quick walk-through.”

Frederick changed into his workout clothes in the small bedroom attached to his office and headed for the gym.

He found the area empty with his crew still busy wrapping up their equipment check.

He breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t that he believed in stiff formality between him and his team, but he also couldn’t display all his emotions and vulnerabilities in front of them.

They could talk shit and laugh like friends at the station, but he had to command their trust and respect when the bells hit, signaling an emergency. Their lives and the lives of the people they protected depended on it. In other words, he needed to get his shit together.

He started with a slow jog on the treadmill, but he was soon flat-out sprinting, his feet pounding the belt.

He remembered her too-pale face. The sound of his name on her lips.

Her voice trembling as she said, I’m sorry.

The tip of her nose turning pink as tears threatened to fall.

He couldn’t block out any of it. And he felt like an asshole for almost making her cry.

Anne broke his heart, but she wasn’t a bad person. Far from it. She was kind, gentle, and thoughtful. But she lacked a strength of character that allowed her to know her own mind and to hold her ground. She’d hurt him when she broke up with him, but she had also disappointed him.