Page 61 of Free to Live

Hearing that, I back away slowly, feeling absolutely nauseous.

Because Ali’s right.

I’ve become such an integral part of Joe’s life that when he’s fully healed, what happens when he calls to tell me he’s going out on a date? When he’s fallen in love?

My dream from this morning flashing in my brain, I race up the stairs and make it to my office before I start dry heaving into my trash can.

Footsteps follow me. In between retching, I call out, “Go away!” I try to kick the door closed, but Phil gets to it first.

“Baby, what’s wrong? We didn’t even hear you come in.” His concern is evident as he swiftly makes his way over to me and holds my hair back from my face. With the other, he reaches over to my desk for some tissues.

“I bet you didn’t,” I hiss, as my stomach begins to settle.

My brother stills, making me wish he could stay this immobile when I’m trying to take his picture. “How much did you overhear?” he asks with no subterfuge.

“There was more after you claiming that Joe and I were so cute in our obtuseness?” Phil’s eyes close as I rip the tissues from his hand. “Now, I’d like to be alone.”

“Hols,” he whispers, pain in his voice. I understand none of them meant to hurt me, but until this very moment, I didn’t realize how much my feelings were starting to shift.

“Please, Phillip. For once, just shut your mouth and leave,” I beseech him. “Think about how you would have felt if you’d have come upon all of us talking about you like that and understand I just don’t want to be around any of you right now.”

“Okay,” he whispers. He reaches the door and stops. Taking a deep breath, he says, “We’re just worried…”

I nod. I get it. Boy, do I get it. But now’s not the time for me to dive into the number of ways this could end badly for me.

“I’ll just tell the others you’re heading home.” Phil disappears from view.

Home. That’s all I want, I think wearily. I want to curl up with a pair of pajamas and some tea and just…

My phone chimes with an incoming text. Pulling it out of my pocket, I see it’s a selfie of Joe and Grace. Behind them, the table is set for three with heaping plates of lasagna at the ready.

This time when I start to vomit, I can feel my tears intermixed with the bile coming up from my stomach.

As I weep quietly in my office, I wonder how the hell I’m going to survive to pay this part of my penance for the past nightmare of my life.

31

Joseph

“You made it home okay?” I ask immediately after Holly picks up.

“Yes,” she sighs. “Your parents’ house is about three miles away from mine. I promised you I’d call as soon as I got in.”

“It’s been twenty minutes, Hols. I started to get worried.”

There’s a very long pause. Shit, what if there’s someone there? I strain to listen carefully, but I don’t hear anything. As much as I can’t get Holly out of my head, I don’t know how to change what’s between us. We had rules in place when we first started out. I don’t know if they were because of what happened to me or because…

“I had to pee.”

I burst out laughing. That was not what I expected her to say.

“Jesus, Joe. You have a daughter. It’s not like…”

“I was just picturing all of these worst-case scenarios,” I lie glibly.

“Yeah, well, add that one to your repertoire,” she grumbles at me. “Your mother kept giving me enormous glasses of lemonade and talking my ear off about how beautiful the photos were. It was sweet—both the drink and the compliments—but I never had a chance to use the restroom.”

“She loved her gift,” I tell her for the ninetieth time that night. It’s Mother’s Day, and Holly dropped by my parents’ house with my mother’s gift a few hours ago.