Page 113 of Free to Live

She handed me her iPad. “Pull it up, and then get comfortable. Coke, Pepsi, coffee, or water?”

Within minutes, I was ensconced on Alice’s couch at her home office with a Coke and a cupcake. “I’m going to have to take one of these home for my daughter.”

“How old is she?”

“She going to turn four.” I shook my head. “It’s hard to imagine. It’s flown by so quickly.”

“What does she look like?”

I pulled my wallet from my pants and flipped it open to the picture that Holly took of us. I had no idea what was revealed in my expression as I looked at it—a mixture of love and pain. “Here you go.”

Alice studied it, looked between it and me, before handing it back over. “She looks like you except for the eyes and smile.”

My mouth quirked. “Grace got those from her mother.”

Alice settled back in her chair with her coffee. “You love her mother still?”

I nodded. “Always.” I swallowed. Even after all this time, it was difficult to say out loud. “Mary was killed by a hit-and-run driver a few days before Christmas when Grace was about eight-weeks-old.”

“I remember reading about that.” She leaned forward and pressed her hand against mine. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“There are some days it feels like it was a different me…” My voice trailed off.

“And some days when it feels like it was yesterday,” Alice concluded.

I nodded. “That’s part of the reason I’m here.” We talked for the majority of that time about how it felt to be thrown into single parenthood so unexpectedly at such a young age.

* * *

Another session,Alice didn’t waste much time when she asked me, “You mentioned you’re in love with Holly.”

My heart flipped in my chest. “I did something completely… I feel so much… God, how is she ever going to forgive me.” Standing, I shoved my fingers through my hair before I started pacing back and forth.

“Here.” Alice handed me a stress ball. “You look like you want to throw something.”

I barked out a laugh, and though I didn’t throw it, I squeezed the living hell out of it.

“What happened?”

“Oh, nothing major,” I told her bitterly. “I only proposed, made love to her, and then called her Mary’s name.”

“Okay, so what did you do after?” Alice asked me calmly.

“What do you mean?” I hissed.

“Did you reassure Holly of how much you love her, not your dead fiancée? Did you show her how precious she is to you? That she’s not some sort of substitute for what you lost?” Alice pushes me.

“No, because she ran from me. And by doing so, she was trapped in her house when it caught on fire!” I yelled at her.

Alice sat back in her chair, her expression one of shock. “So much makes sense now,” she murmured.

“What?”

But Alice just shook her head.

“Joe, I want you to answer something for me. And take a deep breath before you do. If someone were to ask you to describe your love for Holly, could you do it?”

I collapsed down into my chair. “Yes, I could.”