Page 58 of Free to Live

Joe lays his head on the empty seat in front of him, trying to catch his breath.

“It must be a girl thing. My sisters totally get it,” I dismiss him and reach for the popcorn.

As he sits back, Joe shoves his hand in there at the same time. Both of our hands, full of greasy movie butter, slide against each other. I feel the sparks all the way through my body, across my now heated skin. My nipples get hard beneath my worn UConn sweatshirt.

Jesus, what is happening to me? Pulling my hand away with a handful of the soggy kernels, I focus on the movie. “Let’s watch this for a few and see if anything is redeeming about it.”

“Yeah. That’s probably a good idea,” I hear him mutter.

For the next few minutes, we’re in complete silence until I hear the word “fuck” for the eighth line in a row. “Come on, people! You got paid a lot of money to use your vocabulary. And what the hell? How do people get transported in this world? This isn’t aStar Trekmovie, for Christ’s sake.” At that point, I take another handful from the giant-size tub of popcorn and throw it at the screen.

Joe just chuckles beside me.

* * *

“Well,I’m sorry we ended up at such a crappy movie,” I declare as we make our way to his Explorer.

“I’m not.”

Surprised, I stop in my tracks. “What?”

Hooking an arm over my shoulder, he guides me out of the line of traffic. “That was the most fun I’ve had…” He freezes.

This time it’s me who turns toward him. Laying a hand on his chest, I tilt my head to the side. “Joe?”

He shakes his head.

Intuitively, I know this is something enormous. Hesitantly, I offer, “I’m here for you if you want to talk.” I go to move away, but he holds me close.

His voice takes on a faraway cast when he admits, “I promised to love one person forever.”

My heart breaks for him. “I know.”

“So, what does it say about me when I was just about to tell you I had more fun in that stupid movie than I ever had. Ever,” he adds with emphasis. “What does that say about the kind of man I am, Holly?” Pain radiates from every pore of his body into mine.

Since we’ve become friends, Joe’s opened up to me about his lingering emotions for Mary, so I understand how much pain this is causing him. I close my eyes, praying for the right words. “Maybe what it means is that your ‘ever’ is divided into the life you had with Mary and the life you’ve had since.” He goes to open his mouth, but I gently lay my finger across it. “Sometimes, I get lonely thinking of a person I’ve never met. I can’t even imagine having met them and lost them.” Stepping back, I squeeze his arm. “Don’t hide your grief, Joe. Not with me.”

His eyes drag over my face while my words—I hope—penetrate. He lets out a ragged breath. “I must seem so stupid.”

“Did you suddenly turn into a superhuman somewhere along the way? Why don’t you get to feel your aches and pains the way the rest of the world does?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because I feel like I have to be strong for everyone, especially Grace?”

I shake my head. “You have a right to be a man, Joe, before everything else. And trust me, the pain isn’t going to go away. It just dulls to remind you that you can survive anything, even the most horrific nightmares life can throw at you.”

Stepping closer he says, “I thought you said you’d never fallen in love.”

I nod. “I haven’t. That doesn’t mean I haven’t felt agony.” Turning away, I walk the few steps until I reach the passenger side of his SUV. “Come on. If we don’t head out now, we’ll be late.”

I hear the locks beep, and I open the door. Joe climbs in on the other side. Settling myself in the vehicle, I pay careful attention to fastening my seat belt when Joe lays his hand on mine. I lift my head to find his inches from my own.

“This friendship isn’t one-sided, Holly. I’m here if you need me.” Squeezing my hand, he lets it go before starting the ignition.

Joe, if I told you about my past, there’d be no friendship left, I think sadly. But all I do is settle back in the seat as we listen to Ed Sheeran on our way back to Collyer.

29

Holly