Page 109 of Free to Live

“What…?” I don’t get to finish the question before this week’sCollyer Courantis being slapped in my chest by my mother. Pulling it back, I want to hurl it across the room when I see the shell of Holly’s home after the fire sank her teeth into it. Instead, I stare at it, absorbing even more pain into my soul.

Knowing I’m the reason she was even there.

“You almost lost them both,” Eden whispers.

I give her a jerky nod.

“We’re still so lost. Every day, I keep expecting Mary to open the door, but instead, we’re trying to survive each moment without her.” Swallowing, she shakes her head. Tears are glowing in eyes that haven’t seen happiness in more than three years. “We’re so sorry we never even gave Holly a chance. We didn’t want to think you were moving on and forgetting her, Joe.”

Her words lance through me. “How could I when I have Grace?” Holly’s own words come out of my mouth.

“I know. And loving someone else doesn’t mean you didn’t love our daughter.”

“No, it doesn’t.” And it doesn’t. I did love Mary. I just stopped loving a ghost and fell in love with a woman who ignited a fire deep in my soul. I just don’t know if Holly believes that anymore.

Surprising me, Eden says, “She brought us a gift.”

“Holly did?” I’m dumbfounded. I had no idea.

Seth, who had taken Grace from my father, puts her down. She takes off to the next grandparent to do her bidding. Reaching into his back pocket, he pulls out his wallet. Flipping it open, I look down at a picture of Grace and myself. I’m holding her on my lap in a field of flowers in the botanical garden. We’re laughing in each other’s faces, and Grace’s hand is reaching for something past my head. “She said every day she sees Mary through Grace, and she appreciated how terribly hurt we were.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. As much as she was feeling insecure about my feelings, my Holly still took the time to reassure Mary’s family about their pain. “I lost her,” I admit. “I don’t know what to do to get her back.”

Grace takes that moment to run over to me. “Baby, can you go play in your room for a few? I need to talk to the grandparents.”

“What about dinner?” she demands.

“I’ll help Daddy make a new dinner in a few,” my mother assures my daughter.

“Okay! I’ll go draw a picture for Holly, Daddy!” My face tightens in pain, which doesn’t go unnoticed by any of the adults. Her little feet make little sound as they prance down the hall.

“Come on in.” Walking down the short hallway, I make our way down toward the great room. Dropping down into an oversized chair, I close my eyes.

“The fire’s not your fault, Joe,” Seth starts out.

“No, but her being there was,” I tell them all baldly. The sharp intake of breath around the room causes me to open my eyes. “How about that for guilt? Mary’s dead because I took an extra shift so someone could go with their family during the holidays, and Holly’s in the hospital because I screwed up so badly and I have no idea how to fix it.” Dropping my elbows to my knees, I hang my head.

“Define ‘bad,’ Joseph,” my father snaps. I shake my head. I’m not going to be able to hold the tears back.

“What did you do? For the love of all that’s holy, tell me it wasn’t something I have to kill my own son for,” my mother demands.

I bark out a short, bitter laugh. “I don’t know, Mom. Does saying Mary’s name when we were just intimately connected constitute murder-worthy? This being right after I proposed. If so, then yes. Get the knife out. I’m ready.”

Eden gasps, “Oh, my word.” Her face turns bright red, but she doesn’t flutter away like she usually does.

“So, that’s why she was at the house,” my father surmises grimly.

I nod. “She’d met me at the cottage, so she had her own car. I woke up and found her gone. The next thing you know, Mom’s calling me to tell me…” The tears flow down my cheeks. I brush them away impatiently. “She left my ring. She almost died thinking…” It’s like a tidal wave coming over me. The dam inside bursts and hot tears streak down my face. “Now, I can’t get in. I can’t hold her. I can’t apologize. I can’t make it right when…”

“When you’d die just for another chance to talk with her again?” Seth sums up.

I nod. “I have no one to blame but myself, but…”

“But what, son?” my father asks somberly.

“I have no idea why!” I burst out. “Why? Holly and I have…”

My mother clears her throat. Loudly. I get the point.