Page 37 of Free to Live

What I refuse to do is add to the weariness evident in every line of his body.

16

Joseph

Holly shuts the door behind her, and I feel a chamber of my spirit close down along with it. I have no way to fight against silence, no words to say to apologize for snapping at her for a perfectly innocent question. Instead, I’m left again with a bunch of unspoken apologies that once again seem inadequate.

Making my way to one of the chairs in Ali’s office, I drop into it with a sigh. My head falls forward; my hands are clasped together between my knees.

“It’s a hard road you’re on, Joe,” Ali says quietly.

My words are harsh when I ask her, “What would you know about it, Ms. Freeman? You’re surrounded by a family who loves you and a husband who adores you.” When she merely stares at me with her intense blue eyes, I realize my mistake and want to crawl into a hole. “Oh, God. I’m so sorry, Ali. So sorry.” Scrubbing my hands back and forth over my head, I can’t sit still. I stand and begin pacing her office.

“A broken heart is the loneliest thing in the world to protect because you don’t know who you can trust it to,” she continues. “You don’t know who to lean on, who to let in, who to keep out. Especially when people are coming at you with their advice from all sides. All you want to do is curl up in a ball and wish the world away.”

My head snaps toward her in shock because that’s experience talking. Ali’s eyes have taken on a distant look as she focuses somewhere deep inside. “But I learned something the hard way. Something that helped me find the right path.”

“What’s that?” I whisper.

“By shutting out love in its many forms, I was letting the fear win. And I don’t like to lose.” Ali takes a deep breath. “Whatever you have to get through, learn to trust a few people with how you’re really doing, Joe. They may be the only thing that saves you in the end.”

I nod slowly. Ali lets her lips tip up before tidying the stack the papers on her desk. “Anyway, that’s not why I called you in today. I wanted…”

I raise a hand to stop her. “Thank you.”

Her smile turns quizzical. “We haven’t even started,” she jokes.

“Not for all of your help, though I sincerely hope you know that all of us at the CPD and CFD will be eternally grateful. But for reminding me I’m not alone.”

“Joe, it’s hard to be alone in the world. People just choose to be for a time when they need to be. Now? You’re finding it difficult to let people back in. Just remember, you’re stronger than you think you are. That includes asking for help when you need it.”

She’s given me so much to think on. Diverting our conversation back to why I came, I ask, “Right. So, about the schedule?”

Ali nods her understanding. Handing me a copy of the fund-raising day’s itinerary, she begins reviewing all of the items which have checks next to everything Amaryllis Events will be at, stars for the CPD, and double swirls for CFD.

“What do the double swirls mean?” I ask, tongue in cheek.

“Fighting fires? Water?”

“Ahh.” I focus back on the schedule. I tap at the paper in my hand. “Is this a special seating for the CFD to get breakfast?”

Ali nods. I ask, “Can we switch the time with CPD? We need to get back to the station and dump our gear.”

“Gear?”

I explain. “We run the 5K every year in our full suits, boots, gloves, and hat. Some of us run with our tanks on our back, though we don’t use the oxygen.”

Ali snaps her fingers. “That’s right. I remember thinking y’all were nuts last year. Remember how hot it was?”

I groan. We had an unusually warm heat wave hit. Running in those suits was akin to being deep-fried to be served up with a side of ranch at the finish line.

“Hence why I want to change with CPD. We have got to go back to the station to shower before we show up at The Coffee Shop.”

Ali’s frantically nodding. “Agree. We don’t need to scare the patrons due to the…aroma.”

I grin. “Thanks.”

“No, thank you. I want to keep my breakfast down,” Ali counters.