Page 41 of Free to Judge (Amaryllis Heritage #2)

CHAPTER FORTY

I’ve never been so afraid in my life as I am waking up next to Kalie the next morning. I’ve never been filled with this kind of fear before—one that has nothing to do with violence, death, or betrayal, but everything to do with her.

What she makes me feel.

My heart is overflowing with emotions I haven’t ever allowed myself to feel for a woman.

Even tangled in the sheets, her face relaxed and peaceful, she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve woken up to.

Her breathing is soft and steady, her chest rising and falling with each inhale and exhale.

Her features are serene, an expression of absolute trust that makes my heart clench.

I need to ensure it stays that way.

After last night, I know I will never be without her in my life.

For the first time, I truly understand what I’m risking.

I’m not just selfish for wanting her so much, for thinking I can have it all before getting closure on the bastard who killed Tanya.

I’m endangering her more than she already is.

Now, after waking up tangled in her, my resolve is even stronger.

Still, I need these few moments. I need to store them away in a sacred place no one can touch so I know what it’s like to live with Kalie by my side for those dark days to come when she can’t be next to me as I finish the job I was set out to do.

It’s not that I don’t want her there, it’s that I refuse to endanger her.

Having Kalie by my side is everything I could possibly dream of.

She’s perfect—someone brave enough to put her heart in my hands even after everything I’ve done.

Without thinking, I reach out and brush my fingers gently across her cheek.

Her nose twitches, but her eyes stay closed.

She shifts slightly, tucking herself closer to me in a way that’s so trusting and pure I’m afraid it’s going to destroy me.

Then her lips part, and she breathes three little words that crush my soul.

“I love you.”

I hold my breath, my heart collapsing at the same time it’s trying to beat its way out of my chest. Internally, I’m now fighting a war within myself.

Should I wait for her to wake up? Should I let her sleep?

I push a strand of hair threatening to tickle her away from her face as I decide I should let her sleep.

I should let myself enjoy these few quiet moments of peace before I leave.

I’m not certain how long I stare at the woman I’m hopelessly in love with. Every part of me rebels at the idea of leaving her bed. The sun starts to rise higher in the sky and I still can’t let her go.

Nor can I return the sentiment. I’m terrified it will place a larger target on her back than the one that’s already there.

Finally, I know it’s time. I nuzzle her ear and whisper, “Firebrand.” She lets out a small noise, her breath warm against my neck.

The trust she places in me becomes another burden I have to balance because it’s born out of love—ours.

The one we created in the long nights we spent here in her home, getting to know one another without the rest of the world interfering.

But as I drag her from her sleep, I realize she’s everything I’ve ever wanted but didn’t know what I was missing. The problem is, I have no idea how to go about keeping her—let alone keeping her safe.

Since she’s apparently dead to the world, I slip out of bed and move over to stand by the window. The sun’s warm against my bare skin, but in the few hours since Kalie whispered those words, my whole life has shifted off its axis.

I don’t know which direction is right. I only know I’m terrified because I want to just be with her, being me, not under the constant pressure of living the life of someone else—someone she’s supposed to despise. That’s who I want to be for her.

But I can’t.

Not yet.

Kalie rolls over in her sleep and murmurs my name. The sound of it, the vulnerability of it, tugs at my heart and my guilt in equal measure. I run a hand through my hair and pace the room.

Goddamn it. I have to do this, but I’m not sure how. I’m out of practice with being honest. I don’t want to hurt her. I want to be everything she wants, everything she needs. The only person she looks at with love in her eyes for the rest of her life.

I’m not able to tell her any of that.

Not yet.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to erase the self-doubt and hesitation. Now, I’m stalling. When I open them again, the sun’s higher in the morning sky. Kalie’s still asleep, but I won’t leave her without a word.

I lean over to brush a kiss against her lips. They’re soft and warm, and I feel them move when I pull away. Her eyes flutter open, sleepy and confused.

“Declan?” she asks, her voice rough but happy.

“Hey, firebrand.”

She reaches for me, and it takes everything I have to take her hand instead of lying back down with her.

“Where are you going?” she asks.

I sit on the edge of the bed. I open my mouth, wanting to say something she deserves to hear—like I’m just running out for breakfast or I’m going to get a drink. But I can’t do that.

What she needs is the truth and yet when the words come out of my mouth, they feel so mediocre in comparison to what she made me feel last night, I regret them almost immediately. “I need to know you’re safe before we can be together.”

Her eyes narrow. “What do you mean?”

I reach for her hand, but she yanks it away. “Talk.”

Tucking a stray lock of hair away from her face, I murmur, “I made a promise, Kalie. And between that and us, you’re now in more danger. I have to let you go.”

Her breathing accelerates, but she doesn’t say a word. I try to make her understand again, “I have to believe if I walk away, nothing will happen to you.”

“You do, do you?”

I wince. Her tone is as cold as it was that day in the courthouse rotunda. Still, I try to break through. I reach for her hand. After fighting with her for possession, I clasp it between both of mine. “I swear, Kalie. Once this job is done, I’m yours.”

She’s silent. Emotions chase one another through her eyes before resignation settles over her face. Then a look of resignation darkens her gaze. “Right.” She pulls her hand back.

The panic that lands in my chest causes me to frantically reach for hers again. When I try, she slaps my hands away. “Just go.”

“It’s not forever.”

“Go.”

“Kalie, I have a meeting—”

“Just. Go.”

I can’t deny the pain I see in her eyes. Not when I know I’m the cause. Not when realizing I’m in love with her gave me the push to end this once and for all. But if I’m going to protect her, truly protect her, this is the only way. I retreat, knowing anything I say now will make things worse.

But I hate that this feels so much like goodbye.

By the time I get out to my car, there’s already a call from Jon. I answer with a gruff, “Yeah?”

“I’ve been monitoring your burner cells. You received three calls from Sal. He’s freaking out.”

I start the engine. “About what?”

“You name it. Does the man have a sixth sense?”

“Why are you asking?”

“Because our bug picked up on him freaking out about the Byrnes having someone working with the Feds. Now he’s getting antsy. He’s contacting everyone he knows in the pipeline. Guess whose name is at the top of their target list?”

“Fuck.” I cast a backward glance toward Kalie’s home and then gun my car down the street. “How long do I have?”

“Why?”

“I need to go home—shower, change.”

“You didn’t go home last night.” It’s a statement, not a question.

“No.” I say no more, but I don’t have to. He knows where I was yesterday, and he knows who I left with.

“Now you’re leaving her unprotected?”

“Agents are there.”

“Agents aren’t you!” he shouts.

There’s an imposing silence on the other end of the line before his voice comes out harsher than I’ve ever heard it. “Do not put my cousin in danger for a vendetta you can’t let go of.”

His words cut deeper than he’ll ever know.

I pray to God Jon will never understand the conflicting need to make sure Kalie’s safe before wrapping up my past so I can become the man she needs. Once I do, I can let this go. I’ll never have to go down this dark path ever again.

But we agree on one thing. Kalie’s in more danger the longer we all take part in this clusterfuck. The longer I’m out of touch, the riskier it is for everyone.

I have to shut the pipeline down.

Now.

Ignoring his bitching, I disconnect the call. Less than half an hour later, I’m at my apartment. Shoving my keys into the lock, I curse when they scrape the door instead.

I hadn’t realized how badly my hands were shaking.

I can’t let it all fall apart when I’m this close. If it does, she’ll be in danger regardless of what everyone wants to believe.

Inside, I shower quickly—even as water splashes off my body, I can still feel the touch of Kalie’s skin against mine. I can hear her voice in my head, a haunting reminder of the night before.

But now I have to focus. I have to shove the sharp pain aside. I have to shove her aside. I have to shove everything aside other than this final push to ensure Sal hasn’t figured out who I am.

Because knowing they’re coming for Kalie makes this mission even more critical than it was before.

Now, I’m not just tying up my past. I’m trying to save my future.