Page 24 of Free to Judge (Amaryllis Heritage #2)

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

After spending so long undercover, I believed my emotions had been tampered with—hibernated before they could betray me. Yet tonight, after spending time with Kalie, the more I feel about everything.

Especially her.

I never could have imagined someone like her entering my life—so fierce, so full of fire.

So perfect.

Sinking back in my desk chair in my home office, I catch a glimpse of my face reflected back at me in the mirror on the opposite wall.

I can’t help but wonder how Director Holder would react if he could see what I’ve become.

Would he berate me for blurring the boundaries he demands his agents maintain—for feeling something for a woman who should never have been involved in the op to begin with?

Then again, I’ve been under for years. How long is a person expected to live without feeling something? Anything?

A raw chuckle escapes me as I imagine his dressing down.

Likely he’d threaten to pull me from the op.

But maybe he’d listen about why I’d insist on staying.

This isn’t solely about taking down the people who hurt Tanya—though it started that way.

It’s now about bringing down two seemingly untouchable empires.

The Byrnes—they’re not just legends. They’re fact. People think the Irish Mafia is some half-forgotten legend. A few whiskey-drinking men running card games out of a snug, while the world’s moving past them.

They’re wrong.

The Irish haven’t just survived—they adapted.

They fold themselves into corporations, into politics, into unions and real estate.

They take over trucking routes and railroads.

In some places, you can’t tell where a town ends and they begin.

It’s no longer about bar brawls and glasses shattering.

No, they wear suits and shake hands in boardrooms.

But I’ve learned not to fool myself. The rules are still the same. Their credo is still the same—loyalty or blood.

Still, while I’m undercover, I’m the guy they call when they want it to look legal.

When they want it invisible. When they want to flaunt their redemption.

Gloat they’re legitimate even as they wag their fingers and bare their necks encased in blood diamonds.

Because nothing sells the appearance of acceptance more than money.

Even if that money was made selling other humans.

How is it Kalie seeks to understand my motivation the way no one else has? How could she take in the pain as if it was her own? It was obvious in the way her countenance softened. Then there was the empathy in her tone.

How is it someone who should have been damning me as being their greatest enemy turned into something I never thought to contemplate having again in my life? As a friend? As more? Sure, Jon’s been by my side at Hudson. But tonight, Kalie touched a part of me I wasn’t sure existed any longer.

My heart.

When she asked about Tanya and insisted I talk about who she was, she broke down the barricades I wasn’t even aware were still up. I thought the man who had those emotions died the same day his partner’s head was delivered to the field office.

Maybe he did. Maybe I hoped he had. If I didn’t let anyone get too close then I wouldn’t be able to be hurt again.

Then, Kalie surprised me by landing punches that never should have happened—the first to my face, the second to my heart. That hasn’t happened in years. She didn’t judge, nor did she condemn my decision to avenge Tanya.

Instead, she just wrapped her arms around me and held on.

The feel of my lips curving makes my muscles in my cheeks ache. But as fast as it occurs, it fades as a chill surges through me. What if she ends up being the next casualty, like Tanya? Her father is pulling every string, baiting every trap, desperate to ward off another impending tragedy.

The Byrnes want Kalie’s blood for being such an upstart to insult their family.

Hell, I’m surprised they didn’t put an outright hit on her, considering they believe I’m their life raft trying to keep afloat their precious pipeline to traffic women and children when, in reality, I’m doing everything possible to destroy it with my own two hands.

I’m terrified that I’m running out of chances to keep another innocent woman safe.

Fumbling in a drawer, I retrieve an old photo of Tanya, me, and her family, its edges worn. Even now, it’s hard to look at. To know my actions—even though they were unintentional—led to her demise.

Had I known, I’d have dragged her off that damn op instead of basking in the moment and reporting that we were ready to wrap things up with a slam dunk believing in the power of our chain of command.

Our division.

Our organization.

That night, my life shattered.

I should have known better. By the time I was back from making the call, Tanya wasn’t responding. There was no way to pull up her tracker. Weeks later, the dress it was sewn into would be found in a four-alarm fire—a haunting reminder of the brutal way she had been severed from it.

In the wake of her death, vengeance became my sole companion. I became consumed with taking down the Byrne family, burning with a resolve that I had never known.

I began laying the groundwork for my cover with the Byrnes, faking fury over Tanya’s betrayal with certain people—the only individuals I knew I spoke with at the FBI.

When Ben heard about it, he almost killed me himself—his emotions were completely out of control. I know a part of my soul died inside as he barred me from his home, from seeing his kids. Those truths were damn real and helped my backstory.

But then, more stories arose from a corner I never imagined they’d come from—my fellow officers and Internal Affairs.

With some nudging by Hudson, files went conveniently missing.

Years of dedicated service forgotten. And then permanently forgotten after the Hudson team ensured all files were truly removed.

Instead, drawing a picture of me as someone ready for a sighted scope, they put a different kind of target on my back—a man ready to be recruited.

I was willing, if not resentful.

My law degree came in handy as I quickly worked my way through the grunt work piled on me by the family.

Within the organization, I found errors made by other firms—errors I set them up for.

I solidified my position as I uncovered mistakes, and they began to trust me when I presented them with paperwork for additional security protocols.

Security my ass, I had them sign away their rights for open surveillance.

One night, my legal mind saved me from being taken out by Jack Marshall himself. I tried to get him to admit to selling his child for profit and leaving Mildred Lockwood holding the bag. He raised a gun to my head, demanding, “Why should that matter to you?”

I lifted my hands in the air and lied. “I just want to know who to go to if I need…assistance…in the future.”

The tension in the room dropped when Jack pulled the gun back. “Don’t worry about it, boyo. If there are problems in your future, we’ll be well ahead of them.”

Christ, no wonder Keene wants to eliminate his father once and for all.

After the ease at which Jack held a gun to the center of my head, my senses told me he knew more about Tanya’s disappearance than I could prove. I became more dedicated than ever to taking the Byrnes out.

Still, they threw a wrench in the works when they loaned me to the Tiberis for the purpose of getting key members of their family out of jail.

I have to find out the truth about why, even as I utilize the weaknesses in our court system to delay their trials.

A part of me welcomes the finality, where I no longer have to be this person.

I can’t imagine who I’ll be after this nightmare is all over, but living the life of anyone else has to be preferable to standing in the shoes I’m in right now.

A flash of Kalie’s gorgeous face comes to mind. My heart thumps once. Painfully. I’m terrified to let myself feel anything for her—especially while I’m entangled with people who are targeting her. Besides, letting anyone close isn’t a good choice right now.

It leaves me with a vulnerable spot for the Byrnes to strike.

But how can I resist a woman who has no qualms about standing up for…

how did she put it? “Truth, justice, and the Hudson way?” I chuckle, the sound rusty in the empty room.

Kalie hit me, both literally and figuratively.

She’s fiery, fearless, and stronger than most men I know.

She grew up wrapped in resilience and honor.

Still, it’s the compassion she offers me that terrifies me the most. She already has me questioning if I’m truly so irreparably damaged I can’t change.

No, I can’t let her end up like Tanya.

In the end, I’ll do anything to protect her. I won’t let the Byrnes harm Kalie. I slip the photo back inside the desk drawer and close my eyes. “I just wish I could have saved you.”

I can’t have another woman’s death on my conscience. My jaw clenches, knuckles white on the glass. For a woman who grew up with a family like hers, her lack of self-awareness when it comes to danger is infuriating. Her actions have already drawn the wrong attention.

I wonder what made her so fearless. I wonder what gave her that confidence.

These questions are the bare minimum of what I want to know about her. Still, I cannot, will not, let what I’m beginning to feel for Kalie derail me from my objective—taking down the people who killed my partner. Nobody will stop me.

As much as I yearn for answers and a potential glimpse into the future, I need to tamper my urges about Kalie down. It may be next to impossible since it feels like the barn door’s already been shut and Kalie’s trapped inside.

Right next to me.

Which scares me to no end.