Page 23 of Fractured Grief (Hope’s Ridge #2)

Indy

E nding the call, I breathed a sigh of relief, hugging the phone to my chest.

Seb was willing to change PTs to be with me.

He’d asked me on a date.

OMG, I got asked on a date! I was going on a date with Seb!

I quickly pulled my pillow over my head and squealed with delight as emotions and excitement overwhelmed me. I couldn’t believe it.

I’d been honest, forthright, and bolder than I’d ever been in my life, and something had come of it. I was going to have my first real date. I’d finally had my real first kiss. What other things were about to happen? What could happen next?

I’d been content and relaxed talking with Seb, but now that that was out of the way, I was bursting with anticipation and excess energy.

The fact that he’d so readily agreed to get a new PT and didn’t want to wait either made me feel giddy.

I felt like a teenager with his first crush. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I needed to calm down and get some sleep. My body was exhausted, but my mind was racing. I closed my eyes and tried to relax.

All I could think about was Seb. His touch, his soft smile, that expressive gaze that held me captive.

What would it be like to have more than a chaste moment with him?

What sort of date would we go on? What did he like to do before his injury?

How would he continue to recover? Would things change between us?

Was I risking everything for something that was doomed to fail? What about Hazel, Lexi?

Grief seared my heart as I thought of her. She would have been so excited for me. In many ways, it felt wrong to do this without Lex.

Glancing at the bedside table, I took in each of the little animal families.

Each one clustered together, protecting each other.

I wish I could have protected Lexi that day.

I wish we’d all been together. Then, maybe I could have saved her.

She should be here. She should have been able to see her daughter grow up.

She, more than any of us, deserved to escape that town.

With a shaking hand, I reached for the lone fox body. His little tail still lay broken. “I miss you, Lex. Why aren’t you here with us?”

Of course, there was no answer. She was gone, and nothing I did would ever bring her back. I could picture her knowing smirk at my excitement. She’d know exactly what to say to lift my spirits and make me laugh.

Warmth filled me as I held the little fox to my chest and thought of how she would have tried to interrogate Seb when he’d come to pick me up for our date, how she’d try so hard to intimidate him with her tiny five-foot-seven frame.

And she could do it. She could make the biggest man stammer and second-guess himself at her fiery presence.

She would have liked Seb, but she wouldn't have let him know it, not until she was sure he was good enough for me.

I fell asleep to thoughts of my best friend defending my honor and the larger-than-life man who I was sure could have met her challenge.

CRASH!

I jolted awake, jumping out of bed and down the stairs as quickly as I could. Racing into the kitchen, I found Hazel on the floor trying to mop up cereal, milk, and a shattered bowl .

“I’m so sorry, Daddy! I was trying to be a big girl and get my own breakfast, but the milk was too heavy.” Big tears welled in her eyes as she looked at me.

“Hey. It’s okay. Careful,” I cautioned her to stop moving as I assessed the mess and ensured Hazel wouldn’t hurt her bare feet.

“Haze, it’s okay. Look at me, please. You were so good for trying to make your own breakfast. I’m so proud of you.

This was an accident. It’s okay. But we need to be very careful with this broken bowl as those edges are sharp, okay?

” I ensured I had her attention, and she was listening.

“I need you to move away from the mess and over to me carefully, but you have to watch where you step. I don’t want you cutting your foot.

” I carefully shuffled towards her, watching where we both stepped.

When she was close, she jumped into my arms, and I shuffled back the way I’d come, murmuring reassurances to her as I went.

I took her into the living room and sat down on the couch with my girl cradled in my lap. “It’s okay, honey, you’re okay.” She cried into my shoulder, her little body shaking.

Once her crying ceased, I eased her back from the monkey grip she had on me. “What’s the matter, Haze?” This seemed like more than her being upset about her spilled breakfast.

“I broke mommy’s bowl,” she wailed and buried her face in my neck.

I rocked her as she cried. It was just a bowl, but I understood the significance.

We each had our own bowl, plate, and cutlery.

We’d chosen them together from a thrift store we’d visited before Lexi’s last birthday.

They were all mismatched and cheap, as we couldn’t afford much, but they were ours.

It had been a great day as we’d laughed at each other's ridiculous, tacky, and silly bowls and plates, all in the excitement of moving to our new place. It broke my heart that we’d lost another piece of Lex, and even more with her birthday around the corner.

“I know it’s hard, sweetheart, but Mom loved you more than any plate or bowl. She’d be worried about you being safe. She wouldn’t have wanted you to get hurt.” I kissed her messy red curls and hugged her close. “I miss her too, so much.”

“Do you?!” Hazel snapped, jumping out of my hold, tears staining her innocent face. “You’ve been so happy. It’s like you’ve forgotten that she’s gone.”

I sat there frozen in place as her words cut me to my core. How could she think such a thing?

“No Haze. Never.” I reached for her, but she flinched away from me, breaking my heart even more. “Mommy was my best friend in the whole world. It will never be okay that she’s gone.”

We stared at each other, our grief palpable in the air.

How could she think that I was okay with Lexi being gone?

What had I done that made her feel that was even a possibility?

My poor girl. She was hurting so much, more than I realized.

How did I not notice? Shit, I was failing her.

How could I help her? We were all alone.

In that moment, all my dreams and hopes crashed.

I couldn’t start a new life when the old one was still haunting us.

Hazel was my world, and I needed to do better for her.

“I’m so sorry, Hazel,” I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. “I miss Mommy every single day. She was the heart of our family. But you know what?”

“What?” Haze muttered; her little arms folded across her chest.

“Mommy would want us to be happy. She’d want us to find happiness in the little things and celebrate life the way she did.” My lips lifted into a sad smile. “Do you remember your fifth birthday and Mommy turned the living room into a fairy wonderland?”

Hazel’s face lit up with happiness, followed quickly by sadness as she nodded.

“She spent hours at night drawing and cutting out those flowers and streamers so that she could see you smile. She loved you more than anything in this world, and I know she’d not like it that you were so sad.

Your mother was courageous, spirited, and so full of life, even after all she’d been through, that she would want us to live our lives like she did.

Full of hope, love, and laughter. Don’t you think Mommy would have loved that?

” I took a chance and reached out for Hazel again.

Thankfully, she let me pull her into a hug.

“Mommy loved to laugh. I remember whenever you got the giggles, she would always join in.”

Hazel chuckled as she pulled back to look me in the eyes. “And she always made you join in too, even when you were cranky and studying. She’d tickle you and chase you until you joined us. I miss our laughing cuddles. ”

“I do too, sweetheart. I do too.” I held Hazel close and breathed her in.

I wished I could have reassured her that things would get better and we’d be okay, but what did I know?

This was new territory for both of us. I’d lost Mom, but that was different.

I’d seen it coming. I knew it was going to happen, but Lexi was ripped from us, suddenly, unfairly, and at a time of happiness and celebration, which only made everything that much worse.

We’d need to navigate this together, as best we could.

“We need to get ready for school,” I stated absently, “How about I get you some Cocoa Puffs as a treat and you can watch something while I clean up in the kitchen?”

“Really?” She looked up at me, her gaze filling with innocent excitement.

“Yes, but only for twenty minutes.” I kissed the top of her head and handed her the remote.

Walking into the kitchen, I took in the mess and quickly grabbed a paper towel to begin mopping up. I meant what I’d said to Hazel; it was just a bowl, but as I carefully gathered the broken pieces, it hit me again that Lexi was gone.

I wondered what she’d think of this place. If she, too, would have found work somewhere nearby or decided to go to school. What would our lives have been like had she lived?

I was so lost in the what ifs that I didn’t even feel the initial cut, only noticing the paper towel was pink.

Shit !

I quickly grabbed the roll and went to the sink to check the damage.

Running my hand under the water, I carefully assessed the cut.

It didn’t look bad, just a few slices over the fleshy part of my palm.

Blood still seeped from the wound, so I patted it dry with the towel and got a few plasters from the first aid kit to cover it and hopefully stop the bleeding.

Hand cuts healed quickly, so I didn’t think much of it. It was fine.

With that all sorted, I quickly finished the cleanup and got Hazel’s cereal ready for her, ensuring she ate before we got our lunches together. I had to rush through the rest of my morning routine to get Hazel to school on time and make it to my first appointment.

The day passed by in a blur. We had six new inpatients, so we were now at full capacity and all our schedules were fully booked.

I didn’t have time to stop and talk to Carol as I had planned.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted and had a massive headache.

I ended up messaging Seb to let him know I couldn’t chat tonight.

I’d been so looking forward to it, but this headache wouldn’t quit.

Indy

I’m sorry we couldn’t chat tonight.

How was your day?

Seb

Fine. Lyric helped me with my stretches, but he doesn’t stop talking. It’s like training with the Energizer Bunny. I had to have a nap to get some peace and quiet. (smiley face emoji)

Indy

I can see Lyric being a chatterbox. Well, I’m glad you got some rest. I’m going to head to bed early tonight and try and shake this headache.

Seb

Sleep tight, I hope you feel better in the morning.

Do you mind if I message you tomorrow to check on you?

And maybe throughout the day.

I get bored and don’t like my mind to wander too much.

But if not that’s okay.

Indy

It’s fine. I don’t have my phone with me so I can only read it on breaks but I’ll look forward to your texts ;)

I smiled to myself as I added a winky face emoji.

I was never bold or outgoing. I didn’t know how to flirt, but Seb just brought out something in me.

He set me at ease and made me feel free.

I felt playful and confident whenever I was with or chatting to Seb.

It was such a bizarre feeling, but I’d roll with it.

I fell asleep that night with my phone clutched in my hand and a smile on my face.