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Chapter Fifty-Four

RUTH

T he only other person taking the exam drops their paper on the front desk and heads out, leaving just me and the TA with the sound of the clock for company. I’m only about three-quarters of the way through the questions, but for once, I’m not freaking out.

Thanks to Christina, who’s basically turned into my knight in shining armor, my professor agreed to give me an extra forty-five minutes. Plus, for the couple of classes I’ve had between seeing Christina and now, I’ve been sent the slides in advance. It’s been a game changer.

When I finally turn in my paper, I feel a flood of relief. It’s the first test I’ve sat in my whole time at college where I’m not leaving with thoughts of missing a question, or knowing I didn’t write down something I later remembered. I almost don’t care what my score is, having actually done my best is enough to have me walking on air.

When I pull out my cell to give Rowan the good news, all that goodness breaks, a fresh wave of hurt crashing over me when I remember exactly why I can’t. God, I told myself that I was done feeling this way. I’m not going to let myself keep being devastated by this. He’s just a guy! If he doesn’t think I’m worth mentioning to people, then fuck him, it’s his loss.

At least that’s what I’m telling myself, knowing it’s easier to stay angry than to keep being so sad all the time.

I shoot off a text to Clara and get back a string of excited GIFs with promises for celebratory drinks. We’ve been meeting up to study together and it’s been amazing. She’s funny and supportive and never bullshits me; half the time we spend in the library, she ends up sitting on my phone so that I’ll stop doom scrolling and actually look at my textbooks. Honestly, if I get a decent grade in this test, then I owe it to her.

I’m about to head out of the building when I spot Dr Melville walking down the hall toward me. I give her a polite nod, not expecting her to stop, but she draws to an abrupt halt.

“Miss Walcott,” she greets me with a tight smile.

“Hi, Professor.”

“Did you enjoy your extra time?” Her question is innocent enough, but I don’t like the way she looks down her nose at me, her eyes cold.

I square my shoulders, not in the mood to let her make me feel small. “It was a big help, yes.”

“And you’re happy with your performance?

“Very.”

“I’m happy to hear it.” Her face seems to warm just a fraction. “I told you that if you applied yourself, you’d see the results.”

I immediately bristle. “I don’t think that was it.”

“If you stay on this trajectory, then we could see a real improvement in your grades.”

I keep my jaw clenched tight, biting back what I wish I could say. Her words sound supportive, but I know what’s underneath. Like everybody else, she’s just another person thinking I’m holding myself back, that I’m letting my ADHD hold me back. It’s not occurred to her that my disability isn’t something to ‘overcome with hard work,’ and for the longest time, I let this kind of thinking affect me, let it dictate the way I think about myself.

Little by little, one tiny success at a time, I’m seeing that none of them have ever been right. My ADHD is just another part of me, and it’s one I’m slowly learning to love.

“I’ll see you after winter break.” I give her a tight smile and head out into the bright sunshine.

For a minute, I feel lost. It’s hard not to feel deflated as I realize I don’t really have anyone to celebrate with. I don’t even want to go home, Georgie’s having people over and I don’t want her to feel obligated to ask me to join them.

Things have been alright between us. I think I realized how much I’d been pushing for something that wasn’t the right fit. Don’t get me wrong, I still love her, but we’re very different people. Maybe we end up being those college friends who drift out of touch and just send a card around the holidays, but I think I’m on the way to being okay with that.

Across the quad sits the imposing form of the academic services building. On an impulse, I dash across to it, slipping in and down the corridor. Christina’s door is ajar and I knock on the frame. Is this weird? Dropping by unannounced?

She looks up, and the warmth in her eyes immediately settles me. “Ruth, how did your exam go?”

My chest warms, she remembered. “Really good!”

“That’s wonderful news.” She sets down the pen she’s holding, hitting me with her full attention. “And did you feel like the extra time was a help?”

“Such a help.” I step further into the room. “I felt like I could breathe.”

“I’m so happy to hear that.”

“Honestly, everything you’ve done for me, it’s been amazing, you’ve kind of changed my life.”

“Take a seat.” She nods at the chair across from her. “Ruth, hearing that the new accommodations have been beneficial is wonderful, it’s why I do this job. But I want to be very clear, you’re the one who’s done this. These are your own achievements. I’ve been helping you get the things in place that you should have had all along, but that’s only happening because you’ve spoken up and started advocating for yourself. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. And for what it’s worth, I’m very proud of you.”

“Really?” I breathe out, knowing I sound like a smitten fool.

“I don’t say things I don’t mean.” She gives me a firm nod. “Now, I’m afraid I have to get back to work, but let’s get a meeting scheduled to check in on your progress.”

“Oh, sure, thank you,” I babble as I scramble up, my toe catching on her desk in my hurry to get out. “Shit, sorry.”

Christina chuckles. “Have a good afternoon.”

As I head out of the building, I feel like a fifty-pound weight has been lifted off of me. I’ve finally made some kind of breakthrough, all because I stopped beating myself with the idea that I just needed to work harder.

But even as I’ve never been prouder of myself for what I’ve done, I have to fight not to think about the man who made me brave enough to try.

“Ruth!” I look up to see a head of dark hair barreling toward me. I only make out Clara’s face right as she’s on me, wrapping me in a bone-crushing hug. “I went to the English building, but you weren’t there! I didn’t want to wait to celebrate!”

“Really?”

“Of course! I’m so proud of you!”

Oh shit, I can’t cry right now, not in the middle of campus.

I hug her back, not caring that her necklaces are digging into my collarbone. She’s here.