Page 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

ROWAN

“ Y ou’re the dumbest man alive,” Trevor deadpans. I still have my forehead against the kitchen island, fingers laced together behind my head as if this could shield me from my own stupidity.

“I know,” I groan.

“They’re gonna tell stories about this for years.”

“I know.”

“Songs will be sung!” he gloats, and I can sense him dancing around out the corner of my eye.

“Trev, can you not?”

“A decade from now, kids are gonna ask about the guy to blow it the hardest anyone’s ever blown it, and someone is gonna open up their dictionary and show a picture of your face.”

I lift my head, a deep frown on my face. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

“My point still stands!”

“You don’t have a point!” I run my hands through my hair, the tangles catching on my knuckles. “I didn’t blow anything! There was nothing to blow!”

Trev’s face says everything he’s thinking. I grab a dishrag he left on the counter and hurl it at his head, trying to wipe away that stupid expression. Because however much he lives to give me shit, it’s also pretty obvious he thinks I’m full of it.

It’s not that I wish I hadn’t stopped Ruth, I don’t. At least, I don’t think I do.

I only wish I hadn’t been so fuckin’ awkward about it. She took me by surprise and I wasn’t able to handle it properly. Now she’s probably gone away thinking I’m mad at her or that there’s something wrong with her or some shit like that, and that’s not even close to the truth.

I just like being her friend. We haven’t known each other all that long, and it feels like the start of a really good thing. I’m not about to complicate it and risk fuckin’ it up.

The squeak of the stool against the laminate flooring alerts me to Trevor sitting across from me. He reaches across the space, pulling one of my hands out of the tangle they’re currently clenched in and holding it between both of his, giving me a gentle squeeze that I return.

“I thought you liked her?”

“We’re friends.”

He frowns, no longer teasing, just unsure. “Just friends?”

“Yes!”

Something like pity washes over him. I hate it. “Ro, you’ve never talked about anyone the way you talk about her.”

“How do I talk about her?”

“Constantly.”

I pause, pulling my hand back to pick at the dry skin on my knuckles. “I’m just not good at this.”

“At what?”

I wave my hand between us in a vague gesture. “All...feelings and stuff, you know, it kinda sneaks up on me; I never know for sure.”

Trevor and I have talked in the past about my demisexuality, the way I never feel attraction unless I know someone well first. It means I need time to figure out how I’m feeling and when I do, it doesn’t always look the way people might expect.

“But you think you might?”

“I don’t know,” I grumble. “Maybe? I guess?”

I must look completely pathetic because Trevor takes a long look at me and sighs. “Now I feel bad for making fun of you.”

“That’s a first.”

“Well, usually my mockery is justified.”

I just huff at him, going back to picking at my hands.

“I thought you just had your head up your ass. I didn’t realize there was all this…” He waves his hand in my direction. “Turmoil.”

Turmoil’s fuckin’ right. My head is so screwed up I barely know what day it is.

“Did you tell her about…” He trails off.

“No.” My answer is firm. It’s not that I don’t want to, I’m just careful who I let into my life in that way. I’ve been burned before by people who judge me, who think I’m less of a man or whatever bullshit. People take one look at me, they find out I’m a football player and they get this image of how I should act, but I’ve never been that guy.

“Do you think that she wouldn’t be cool about it?”

“No?” It comes out more like a question. “It might not even end up being relevant.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I don’t even know if she’s gonna stick around. There might be no point bringing it up.”

“You really think you screwed it that bad?” His mouth twitches as he tries to suppress the smirk.

“I think I really upset her,” I mumble.

“That’s not on you, Ro.” He leans forward, pinning me with his stare. “She kissed you, you pulled away. What the hell is wrong with that?”

“I just-”

He cuts me off. “If the roles were reversed, would you be saying all this? No.”

“I guess…” I’m grumbling, but I know he’s right. One of my favorite things about the guy is how fast he can switch from giving me shit to talking sense into me. But I still don’t like the idea that Ruth has gone home embarrassed.

He tilts his chin down, hitting me with a searching stare. I dread to know what’s about to come out of his mouth.

“You ever think you’re not sure how you feel because you’re not letting yourself think about it?”

I frown, waiting for him to continue.

“I mean, you’ve been hesitant about getting involved with her.”

“Well, yeah?”

Trevor runs a hand through his scruffy blond hair. “Look me in the eye and tell me this has nothing to do with the team.”

I want to tell him he’s wrong, that my feelings are mine alone and aren’t anybody else’s business, but it’d be a lie.

“I can’t go there,” I sigh.

“Why the fuck not?” He throws his hands up, dramatic as ever. “They don’t get a say!”

I wish he was right, but he just doesn’t get it. “After everything with Simmons, we can’t have any kind of scandal.”

“What fucking scandal? You’re a guy in college who has a crush on a girl.”

“And let’s play that out, say we do start something. Next year, I’ll be on staff, and she’ll still be a student. It won’t look good.”

“Anyone with half a brain will see it’s a totally different situation.”

“I just can’t risk it. Besides, if I started seeing someone from Allbreck, the guys would never trust me again.”

“Then fuck ‘em!”

“They’re my team.”

“They don’t own you. You don’t owe them anything!”

“I owe them everything.” My tone is harsh, but I need him to hear me. “You met me when I was a freshman. You saw what I was dealing with.”

When I first came to Beaufort, I felt like the world was on my shoulders. I’d been a lonely high schooler with no friends, only focused on getting a scholarship and into a D1 school. Once I made it, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

“They gave me someplace to belong.”

“I know.” Trevor grabs my hand again, stopping the picking before I can break the skin. “But that doesn’t mean they get to stop you from being happy.”

“The team is everything to me. I can’t throw that back in their faces.”

“You think they’d take it that way?”

“Some.” I shrug. “We’ve been fucked by Allbreck for years. The guys take that shit seriously. Some of them are still on probation. Jed’s only just playing again.”

“And that’s her fault?”

I bristle at the suggestion. “Of course not! But it’s not exactly gonna make things smoother, is it?” The guys brought their punishment on themselves, but I know what they’re like. They’ll be looking for anybody else to blame and it wouldn’t surprise me if that blame lands on Ruth’s doorstep.

“Can I say something?” Trevor asks.

“All you do is ‘say things’.”

“Okay, but can you actually listen?” He shakes my arm with enough force to jostle my upper body. Holy shit, he’s annoying. He turns into a toddler when he wants attention.

“Fuck, fine.”

“You give those guys so much, probably more than you should-”

“I don’t.”

He shushes me with the kind of sound you’d use on a dog. “I thought I was talking?”

“Fuck off.”

“Then listen.” His glare is as stern as he’s probably capable of. “They get so much of you, but sometimes you deserve to be selfish, okay?”

I don’t say anything. Being selfish, taking her on that drive, that’s what got me into this mess.

He continues, “Because otherwise, what was the point? You came here, made friends, found the world’s coolest roommate.” I glare at him, but he just laughs. “You get yourself out of that bad place you were in, and sure, the guys help you get there, but now you’re gonna turn around and hold yourself back from something that could be really good? You really think they’d want that?”

His words shake me and I have no clue what to say. I’ve never wanted to do anything to drive a wedge between the team, but what if I’m doing that by holding myself back from them?

But, surely it would hurt them more if I got into something with Ruth. They’d take it as a betrayal and I can’t do to them. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to make sense of my thoughts.

In the end, I puff out a sharp breath. “It doesn’t even matter,” I say, hoping I don’t sound as unconvinced as I feel. “We’re just friends, so none of this is relevant.”

Trevor just drops my hand and pushes away from the island, rounding the leave the kitchen. He pauses behind me, giving my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze.

“You keep telling yourself that, man.”