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Chapter Thirty-One

RUTH

I don’t know where I’m headed, but I know I need to get there fast. What in the actual hell was I thinking? It was like my brain got hijacked and I just started spouting off at Rowan’s dad.

I think I’ve just lost the ability to be around Rowan without embarrassing myself. I was supposed to be the buffer, the person he could rely on, like he so often is for me. Instead, I’ve yelled at his dad and made a total spectacle of myself.

I want to crawl into a hole and sleep forever.

The sounds of the crowd lessen as I get deeper into the stadium. I have to push past people queuing for the bathroom in my desperation to get out.

I keep walking until I reach his truck, ignoring every sound around me as I fight against the sting behind my eyes. I put a hand against the passenger side door, the locked door. Fuck. All I want is to curl up in my bed and hide from my unerring ability to humiliate myself in front of Rowan.

I don’t know how long I stand there, pulling in shaky breaths and trying to figure out what my plan is, when I hear him behind me.

“Ruth.” He’s close, quiet. I tip my forehead forward until it’s resting against the car.

“I’m sorry.” I don’t know what else to say. I know it doesn’t even begin to cover it, but I have to get it out.

“You okay?”

“I should be asking you that.” My breath fogs against the glass as I speak.

“Can you look at me?”

“No.”

He chuckles, and a hand comes down on my shoulder. “Please.”

I don’t get a choice. Rowan gently but firmly turns me around, keeping both hands on my upper arms and pinning me with his stare.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper again.

“What the hell was that?”

“I know, I shouldn’t have said that. I just-”

“Not that,” he cuts in. “I couldn’t give a fuck what you said. Frankly, it was about time. I meant what the hell were you doing running off like that?”

“What?”

“I didn’t know where you were, where you were going. You left your phone on your seat.” He holds up the device, which I now remember tucking under my thigh during the game. I must have forgotten to grab it in my frenzy to get away. Rowan releases me and steps back. “You could have gone anywhere, and I didn’t have a way to reach you; I was worried, Ruth.”

My mouth drops open a little. After everything I said, he was worried about me? I look behind him, half expecting to see Keith standing there. “Where’s your dad?”

Rowan scoffs. “Watching the game.”

“He’s still in there?” Not a whisper anymore, my indignation pushing past my embarrassment.

“I think he’s stewing. He doesn’t get put in his place that often.” I expect to see anger or disappointment, but all that’s there is amusement. Is he laughing? “That was the best fuckin’ thing I’ve ever seen.” Rowan laughs. “You really gave him hell.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Hell no.” He steps forward, sobering, as he places a hand on the car on either side of my head, effectively caging me in. “Ruth, Jesus Christ. I don’t know what to say. Nobody’s ever stood up to him, not for me. I didn’t know I needed to hear that but I did. I needed it so bad.”

I reach up to clutch at his forearm. Neither of us says anything, just staring at each other. He inches closer until our breaths are mingling. I can see every freckle across his pale skin, mapped out like a constellation. My heart’s beating so hard it could bruise. What is this?

“Ruth, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. You’ve got me all messed up and I have no clue what to do about it.”

“What’s happening?” I’m so confused. Half of me wants to cry and the other half wants to ball my fists into his shirt and tug him close enough that he can never get away.

“I don’t know.” He lifts his face and presses his lips against my forehead, speaking the words against my skin like a prayer. “But I think it’s gonna be okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He pulls back to hit me with that stare. “It’s you and me, and we’re a team.”

“We are?”

“We are. And I’m gonna kiss you now, as long as that’s okay.”

My breathing stops. Maybe my heart does too, I’m not really sure. I can’t wrap my head around what’s going on. I’m so overwhelmed, happy, and confused, but mostly, I’m just full of wanting. I want everything he’s offering, everything he’s got to give, all of him if he’ll let me have it, just so long as I’m brave enough to take it.

I’m not often the brave one, never the person to take the first leap or go out on the edge and be vulnerable for someone, especially when I’ve got it wrong in the past.

But maybe, this time, for this man, I can at least try.

“Ruth?” he prompts, nudging his nose against mine, waiting for permission.

I get halfway through a word of assent when his mouth crashes onto mine. It’s a mess of contradictions. Soft lips, hard pressure, the scratch of his stubble against my cheek, the way his hands feather over my face in the gentlest caress. It’s fevered and heady, and it’s all I can do to hold onto his shirt and try to keep up. My head spins, thoughts racing past me, but the only one I can latch on to is Rowan, Rowan, Rowan.

I don’t know how long we go on, teeth and tongues clashing before we come up for air. Rowan’s breathing hard, his eye dilated, lips swollen. I don’t look anywhere else as I try to get my bearings, waiting for the world to come back into focus.

Holy shit.

Rowan’s lips turn up in the sweetest smile as he rubs his thumb over the apple of my cheek before leaning down and pressing gentle pecks across my forehead, over my eyelids, and down my nose until he lands back on my lips. He hums against my mouth, a happy sound that draws a grin from me.

He answers with his own, looking down at me with that big boyish smile I don’t get to enjoy for long before he hides it in my hair. His face goes to the crook of my neck as big arms snake around my waist to pull me into a tight hug.

“That was way better than last time,” he mumbles.

“I thought you said we were pretending that never happened?” I say breathlessly. I’m wrung out, limp in his arms, and not able to do anything but smile.

“Don’t listen to me. I’m an idiot.”

I chuckle, reaching up to thread my fingers into his hair. He groans in delight when I give his scalp a little scratch, and my heart feels so full at seeing this side of him, so warm and loose and gentle.

We stand there for a long time, swaying slightly. He’s probably got a mouthful of frizz, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

“Are we just gonna keep standing in the parking lot?” I whisper.

“Give me a minute, then I’ll take you home.” He squeezes me tighter and I giggle.

“We have to pick up Trevor.”

He lets out a loud protest that vibrates into my neck. “Let’s just leave that asshole behind.”

“You know he’d chase down the truck.”

“Not if we drive fast enough.” He releases his hold, gently moving me aside so he can open my door. “We’ll be like Thelma and Louise.”

I giggle as I get in. “You know they drive off a cliff at the end of that movie?”

He frowns just as he’s about to push it closed. “What movie am I thinking of then?”

I laugh some more. I know things aren’t settled; there’s obviously a lot that we need to talk about, but right now, all I want is to bask in this feeling. Whatever got us here, wherever we’re going next, in this second it’s just me and Rowan, and it’s fucking incredible.

He slides into the driver’s seat and slams his door. “I guess we better go get him.”

We’re a couple miles down the road and my brain is scrambled. The only thought that keeps coming up is Rowan kissed me. I hear it again and again, not quite believing it’s real. Eventually, I can’t keep it in.

“You kissed me.” I turn to face him, resting my cheek against the headrest.

He smirks. Fucking smirks! “If memory serves, you were a pretty serious participant.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Do I?”

He’s messing with me. I reach over the console to give him a quick slap to the chest. “Don’t be an asshole.”

“Sorry, sorry.” He chuckles, catching a hold of my hand and pressing a kiss to my knuckles. My stomach erupts in butterflies. “What are you thinking?”

“That was…” I try to choose my words carefully. “A lot.”

“Do you regret it?” The question is edged with insecurity.

“No?” I know that I don’t sound sure. “You know I’ve been wanting to do that.”

“But?”

“I just don’t know where we go from here.” I sigh, staring down at my lap.

“What do you want?” he asks carefully.

I pause, trying to sort through my thoughts. I want more; I want him. But everything is so complicated that I don’t know if it’s a good idea, and frankly, I’m scared.

I’m scared he doesn’t feel the same way, that maybe he just got caught up in the moment. It’s like I used up all my courage letting loose on Rowan’s dad, and now I don’t have any left for the rest. “I don’t know,” I whisper.

I hear Rowan’s blinker click as he steers the car onto the side of the road. The silence as he cuts off the engine has my gut twisting. All the warmth and bliss of a few minutes ago dissipate as the tension stretches taught, threatening to snap with a word from either of us.

“Okay, look,” he starts, a hand scrubbing down his face. “I don’t know what we’re doing, but I don’t regret what happened.” He turns in his seat and picks up one of my hands, holding it between his. His heat radiates into me, warming fingers that I hadn’t noticed going cold. “I’m not good with feelings. It takes me a while to work out where I stand, but I know I’m crazy about you, Ruth.”

I suck in a gasp of air at the intensity in his eyes, but he doesn’t stop talking. “There’s so much we need to talk about. I don’t even know the half of it, there’s a whole world of shit out there, but I do know that when it’s me and you, I feel ok in a way I haven’t felt in a really long time. I want to be with you; I don’t know what that looks like, but maybe we can try to figure it out.” By the end of his speech, he’s breathing heavily, and I wonder what it cost him to get this all out.

“Right, okay. Yeah.” I nod, making my mind up as I pick a bit of dust off his shirt. “So we’re doing this?”

Rowan grins. “I think we are.”