Page 41

Chapter Forty-One

RUTH

“ F uck!” I hiss as I frantically pull my dress over my head. My arms get stuck somewhere around my neck and I stumble, my face still swathed in fabric. My shoulder hits the wall with a thud, and it’s only by some miracle that I manage not to end up sprawled on the floor.

“Ruth?” Rowan’s sleepy voice comes from somewhere on my left. I’m able to wrestle my head loose and I see him sat up on his elbows, sheets gathered around his waist and looking adorably mussed. “What are you doing?”

“I’m sorry!” I whisper as I get my dress situated. “I have to go.”

“Wait, what? No.” His face clears and he gets up to where I am, his hands immediately touching my forehead like he’s checking for a fever. “You’re leaving? Are you feeling okay?”

I’m exhausted from my restless night, but the worst of the reaction has passed now.

“I have something I forgot to do.”

“It’s seven am. What’s going on?”

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. “I have an English assignment due this afternoon.”

“It’s not done?”

“No,” the word comes out more like a whine, “I forgot about it.” I could almost cry, my throat aching from how hard I’m trying to hold it in. I thought I was doing better at managing all my school stuff. I’ve been to study with Clara a couple of times, and I even did okay on a quiz. Having this fall through the cracks makes me feel like I’ve taken one step forward and about seventeen giant leaps back. I can feel my face crumpling, and Rowan’s eyes widen in panic.

“Hey, hey. No, no, no, don’t cry, Frog.” His big arms engulf me, crushing my face into his chest. “I’m gonna lose my shit if you start crying.”

“I’m so frustrated,” I half sob, the tears coming full force now. “Why can’t I do anything right?”

The despair is unstoppable. I feel like I’m never going to be able to get through school, or achieve anything I want to do—if I even knew what I wanted to do—if I can’t get over this one thing.

“Baby, no.” He pulls back and wipes the tears from my cheeks. It’s a futile effort with how fast they’re coming. “That’s such bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit. I fuck everything up.”

“Hey, stop that.” He dips down so we’re at eye level. “Nobody talks about my girlfriend like that.”

A watery laugh bubbles out of me. “That was really corny.”

He gives a half-shrug. “Corny’s not so bad. At least you’re smiling.”

“I just don’t know what to do,” I whisper hopelessly.

“Can you get an extension?”

I cringe at the thought of asking Dr. Melville for another deadline extension. “I don’t think so.”

“Even with your ADHD? They don’t give you any leeway?”

I shrug, embarrassed at the answer.

“Ruth, you’re getting support, right?”

“Not really.”

“But they know about it?”

“They know…” I trail off, my thoughts too much of a jumble to keep track of.

“But?”

“I guess. I don’t know. I haven’t really gotten into how bad it is.”

His eyes look almost as helpless as I feel. My heart breaks for him. I’ve lived with this my whole life, but this is all new for him. I hate being the one problem he can’t fix. “Why aren’t they helping you?”

“I tried, but when I went to the school, it was this whole process and a bunch of forms, and I couldn’t face it.” I cringe, remembering how my stomach had dropped at what felt like a mountain to climb to get accommodations.

“When was this?”

“Freshman year.” I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to see his judgment.

“Jesus, Ruth.” Rowan moves, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling me onto his lap. “Have you talked to anyone about it?”

“No,” I say as I rest my head on his shoulder. He takes my hand, engulfing it in both of his. The warmth of his palms helps to ground me. It stops me from getting caught up in the speed of my brain and losing myself.

“Can I ask why not?” There’s no scorn there, none of what I’m used to hearing. He’s not trying to tell me how to solve my problems or what I should be doing, he doesn’t think less of me, he’s just happy to hear me out.

I try to work out what to say. There’s so much to explain and I barely understand it myself. “It just feels really insurmountable, like it was this whole thing and I didn’t know how to fix it, so I just kept putting it off, and then suddenly a whole year had passed, and I was in this black hole I couldn’t get out of, and all my professors think I’m lazy and that I don’t care because I forget projects and I don’t study for tests.” It’s hard to keep talking through the tears that threaten to come again. “But I care so much! They just never see that because none of them think to wonder why I’m having so much trouble.”

“Frog.” The word catches in Rowan’s throat, all hoarse and broken. He tightens his grip around me like he can stop anything bad from touching us with the force of his hold.

“It’s okay,” I say half-heartedly. “I just gotta get through it, try and find something that works.”

Something in Rowan snaps at my words; he deposits me next to him, and then he’s up, pacing back and forth as I just watch. I don’t know what to say to make this better for him, it’s not often that I’ve seen him lose his composure like this, and to have him so distressed makes me cry even harder.

He pauses in his movements and turns to take in my tear-streaked face. He falls to his knees in front of me, his body thudding on the carpet as he holds my cheeks. “Ruth, Frog, no.” He keeps wiping my face like it’ll make a difference. “You gotta stop, baby. You’re fuckin’ killing me here.”

“I don’t want to live like this,” I wail, “I want to be normal. I can’t do anything, I can’t keep my room clean, I can’t do my dishes or shower or brush my teeth without a chart telling me to. I just want to get through school without feeling like such a total fuckup all the time.” Every bad feeling I’ve ever had, every mean comment or condescending word I’ve ever heard crashes over me like a wave. It’s like I’m drowning with no way to the surface.

“No, no, no, you’re not. You’re not a fuckup.” He looks close to tears himself. “You’re so fuckin’ brilliant, Ruth, you don’t even get it. You have this amazing creative brain with all this energy, and so much love, and it’s just that the world’s not built for you, but that’s not on you, you hear me? There’s nothing wrong with you, not one single thing.”

“I don’t know what to do,” I whisper.

“We’ll figure it out, you and me, okay? If you want we can go see academic support in person, I could come with you, or we could go see your doctor. I don’t know, we don’t need to have an answer, but the point is that you’re not alone anymore.”

His words are an arrow, and I feel my face crumpling. My forehead rests against his, and for one blissful moment, it’s as if we’re one person. But for all the relief of finally having someone on my side, I can’t quite believe it. “My parents barely even speak to me because I’m such an embarrassment.”

Something like a growl comes from low in Rowan’s throat. He takes hold of my chin, forcing me to look him in the face as he speaks. “I’m not embarrassed. I’m not them, and I’m not fuckin’ going anywhere.”

I blink rapidly.

“Say it back.”

“But-”

“No buts. Say it.”

“You’re not going anywhere.” The words almost make me crumble.

“Good. What can we do right now?”

“I should-”

“No,” he cuts me off, stopping the building panic in its tracks. He gestures between us. “Team, remember? What are we doing today?”

“The assignment’s due at three.” I feel like a child who’s just been scolded, but in a good way? It’s like I’ve been fumbling around in the dark by myself for so long, and now there’s finally somebody in the room with me yelling, ‘Follow my voice!’

I know if I let my guard down, if I let Rowan help me, he’s not going to let me fall.

“What do you need to get it done?”

“My computer, the book.”

“Is that at your place?”

I nod.

He nods like he’s thinking. I can see in this moment why he’s going to make such a good coach. He’s in full gameplay mode, watching all the moving pieces come together until he’s got a fully formed plan. “Okay, you’re gonna go sit at the island and Trevor’s gonna make you breakfast.”

“I don’t have ti-”

“You do. I’m gonna take your keys and go over to get your stuff. Maybe text Georgie and tell her I’m coming so she doesn’t knock me out with a bat or something. Write me a list of everything you need, I’ll bring it back here, and you can get it done. Do you need to hand it in in person?”

“This is crazy.”

“Not what I asked.”

I feel like I should push back on his high-handed manner, but I’m simply too wrung out to care.

“I can turn it in online.”

“Perfect, you’ll get it done, then I’ll take you out, deal?”

“Shouldn’t I take you out after this?” I don’t know how I’m ever going to repay him after all this, but I don’t get the impression he’s keeping score.

“Nice try.” He rolls his eyes.

“You really don’t need to do this. This is my problem.”

“Okay, let’s just get this straight, yeah?” He stands up to his full height. “You are mine. So your problems are mine, your hurt is mine, your happiness is mine to share, and your achievements are mine to cheer you on for. The same way I’m yours. Every breath in my lungs, every cell in my body, is yours. If you want something, fuckin’ take it because it’s my privilege to give it to you.

“I don’t want to hear any more of this ‘not your problem’ bullshit because if it’s a problem for you, then it’s a problem for me, and I’m gonna fuckin’ deal with it. I’m not Marshall, I’m not your roommate, I’m not your parents. I’m not gonna let you down. Because you and me, we belong to each other now, okay?”

My jaw hits the floor. Rowan quirks an eyebrow at me.

“Just say you understand.”