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Chapter Twenty-Three

ROWAN

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

All I knew was I needed to get away from the house after that call. Next thing I know, I’m looking up the Allbreck sports center address, figuring it was a pretty good bet that Ruth would be there.

Now she’s in my passenger seat, hair curling in damp tendrils around her shoulders and smelling like coconut shampoo. I know it’s dumb to be here, the guys have been asking questions since Hunter caught us in the tunnel, but I can’t find it in me to give a shit. It feels like everything I’ve done lately has been for the team, to make other people happy so that I can try to cling onto the shadow of what things used to be like.

But God damn, I want to be selfish.

“You gonna tell me where we’re going?” Ruth shifts in her seat, turning to face me more.

“When I figure it out.” I didn’t think much about this, just knowing I wanted to see her.

“You need to work on your plotting.” She smirks. “I’d give this kidnapping a six out of ten at best.”

“Only a six?”

“Don’t worry, this is still a top five abduction.”

“High praise coming from such a pro.” I flip my turn signal and pull onto the track that leads up to one of the lookouts. I haven’t spent much time near Allbreck, but there was a bonfire up here when I was a freshman that I got roped into coming to. I left after about forty minutes, but I remember how pretty it was on the ridge.

“See, this would be a great place to dump a body.” Ruth says wryly, her teasing smile visible out of the corner of my eye.

“Next time,” I say as I pull the truck into one of the parking spots. There’s nobody else up here, and even though there’s a little fog out, you can still see clearly across most of town.

“Well, I’ll stay on my guard.”

The silence settles like a blanket. I’m not usually the guy to try filling it, content to sit with my thoughts even when I’m with other people. But right now, I wish I could think of something funny to say, so I can try to make her laugh again.

“You wanna go sit on the hood?” I ask.

“That’s a real thing?”

I hum my assent as I push my door open. Ruth does the same and we meet at the front of the car. It’s a little awkward as we both try and maneuver on. There’s a second before Ruth gets settled where she starts sliding and I grab her elbow in a panic, worried that she’s about to go tumbling off the side of the cliff. But eventually, we end up side by side, our backs against the windshield. My head thunks against the glass as I tip my face back to enjoy the light breeze.

“This is nice.” Her voice is quiet. “I’ve never been up here before, it’s peaceful.”

“There’s a place kinda like this over in Beaufort. I drive up there sometimes when I need to get some quiet.”

“I think you’re the only one going for that .” She laughs a little.

I frown. “How do you mean?”

“Like, you’re the only one going up there for quiet.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Most people are probably going up there for the opposite of quiet?” Her words are drawn out as if she’s talking to a child.

I just stare back, my brow furrowed. What is she talking about?

“Rowan, you know this is a hookup spot, right?” Her laughter spills out. “I’d bet a lot of money that the one in Beaufort is too.”

“What, up here?” I sit up, looking around at the empty parking lot. Like, I get wanting some privacy, but this is just depressing.

“Oh my god, you’re adorable!” Ruth keeps laughing and I feel my face flame.

“Fuck off,” I grumble.

“You’re so cute, so sweet and clueless.” She’s almost falling off the side of the car.

“I’m fuckin’ not.” Embarrassment claws at me.

“You are!”

I move to stand up. “I’m taking you home.”

“No!” She grabs my elbow with both hands, tugging me back down. My shoulder brushes hers where I’m closer than before. “I’m done, I promise.”

I shoot her a look that says how little I believe her.

“I swear.”

“You better be.”

Her fingers knot in her lap, and I catch the small smile that lingers on her lips.

A flicker of curiosity sparks. “Do you know that from experience?”

“That people come here to hook up?” She raises her eyebrow and I nod. “Why do you want to know?”

I shrug, not sure I have an answer. “You don’t have to tell me.”

Her gaze flickers around my face, looking for what I can’t tell. “No, not experience.”

“Ok.”

“Does that make you happy?” Her voice is lower, softer, full of something I can’t quite put my finger on. A little vulnerable, but steady nonetheless. “What are we doing here, Rowan?”

“I don’t know.” She leans towards me and I tense, hoping she doesn’t see it. I can hardly think with the great big something swirling around us. Maybe it was stupid, bringing her up here. There’s obviously something between us, I just have idea what that thing is. She’s my friend, I care about her. But anything more than that feels like a fog I can’t find my way through, and maybe that’s for the best. Nothing can happen between us, for a hundred reasons.

For once, my near-constant confusion about my own feelings doesn’t feel so much like a challenge, it feels like a shield.

“Yes, you do.” Ruth murmurs.

“I just needed to get away,” I finally admit. “Stuff back there, it’s…a lot.” I reach up to scratch at my neck, but my hand doesn’t make it. Ruth’s is wrapped around it, stopping the movement as she grips my fingers between her palms.

“And you needed me for that.”

I’m silent, taking in every inch of her face. Those green eyes and that hair that I’ve never seen in a state that wasn’t wild and unruly. It’s like the space around us has gone silent, the breeze has settled, and the low sounds coming from the nearby road can’t be heard as I just stare at her. I don’t know what’s going on here, but I just know that for the first time in a while, I feel…okay. “Yeah. I guess so.”

The feeling settles around me, something warm and comforting like nothing can shatter the peace I’m feeling right now.

And then Ruth’s mouth is on mine.