Page 52

Chapter Fifty-Two

RUTH

T ears blur my vision as I fight to get the key in the lock. It scrapes against the metal as I try again and again. I hear a shuffling and the door swings open, a sleepy Georgie on the other side.

“Ruth?”

I can’t stop the tears that come when I see her.

She pulls me in by the hand, bustling into action, and before I understand what’s happening, I’m set up on the couch with a blanket around my shoulders. It’s a shame she and Rowan never got to be closer, they’re both such fixers.

Georgie’s in the kitchen putting some mugs of tea together, when she returns, her face is creased in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“I live here.” My response is automatic, leached of emotion.

“Yeah, I know,” she sighs, “I just wasn’t sure when I was gonna see you again.”

“Sorry to burst your bubble,” I say bitterly.

She sits on the coffee table in front of me. Her position reminds me of the one Rowan took that night in the frat house. I have to lock the memory in a steel box, not ready to think about it. She doesn’t pay any mind to what I said, just pressing one of the mugs into my limp hands.

“Drink that,” she commands.

I do as she says, numbness fully taking over.

“Did something happen?” She braces herself on her knees, face held close to mine.

“I think we broke up.” I bite down on my lip, trying to stem the tears that won’t stop coming.

“Shit.” She scoots forward and squeezes my elbow. “What happened? You guys were great together.”

I shrug, not sure how to explain it. I don’t even understand it. My feelings are too much of a web, and the thought of trying to pick them apart seems utterly overwhelming.

“Did he do something?”

“It’s kinda… It’s more what he didn’t do.”

She holds her hands up in surrender. “You gotta give me more than that. You showed up out of the blue, looking like the sky fell down.”

“I can’t ‘show up out of the blue’ to the place that I live.”

“Yeah, well, you’ve not exactly been acting like you live here.”

I reel back, indignation bubbling in my chest. “Are you seriously acting like you get to be the one who’s mad right now? I am the one who gets to be mad!”

“Why?” She pins me with a hard glare. “Seriously, please explain exactly what I did wrong because I have no clue.”

All the fight goes out of me as she speaks. She’s right, she hasn’t done anything. I’m just taking it out on her because she’s here, and because it’s easier than trying to process the events of tonight.

“I don’t know,” I whisper.

“I mean, what happened? You came home all freaked out and then you freaked out more and left! I’ve been so worried. I haven’t heard from you in days.”

“Were you? It’s not like you called?”

“I texted and you didn’t reply. I figured you needed space.”

“Well, you gave me plenty of that,” I scoff.

“Look, we’re both adults. I’m not gonna chase around after you. I knew you were with Rowan and I assumed you’d come back when you were ready.”

“You really hurt me, Georgie,” I say pitifully.

“By having other friends?” She looks bewildered. “Does that really make me the bad guy?”

I take a drink of my tea and notice the familiar taste of just the right amount of honey.

“I guess,” I pause, fighting the bile that wants to surface. “It made me feel like I’m your last pick of friend.”

I just want, one time in my life, to be at the top of somebody’s list. I thought I’d found that with Georgie, and learning that I was wrong kind of crushed me.

“It’s not a pecking order, Ruth.”

“I know,” I sigh.

“Sometimes I feel like you don’t want me to spend time with other people.”

“That’s not it.” I wince at her assessment. “I just get the impression some of the time that you don’t want me around.”

“You said that I was your best friend.” I don’t miss how she changes the subject. It feels like a shard of ice in my gut. “Is that really how you feel?”

“Yes,” I say without hesitation. “I guess I thought that you felt the same way. That night was kind of a reality check.”

“I care about you so much, but I think we’ve maybe got different expectations about our relationship.”

“I thought that you were my ride-or-die, so finding out that you don’t feel the same was pretty devastating.”

She leans back, rubbing her hands over her eyes. “I don’t know how to have this conversation without sounding like a bitch.”

“You’re not a bitch,” I reassure her. “You’re right, we’ve got a big gap in where we stand.”

“It’s not that I don’t like you, I really love you, Ruth.” I try to steady myself for the but that’s coming. “But I have a whole life outside of this friendship and sometimes I feel like maybe…” She trails off.

“Like maybe I don’t?” I finish.

“Yeah.”

The silence descends heavy like a blanket. It’s hard not to cry as I realize how wrong I’ve got things.

Georgie starts again. “I’ve always tried to include you-”

“I know.” I nod. “It’s not you I’m upset with.”

“I’m still so lost about what happened when you got back that night.”

Her and me both. I still haven’t come close to unpicking everything, but I guess it’s time to try. I straighten up, getting ready to spill my guts. “I think, I was just feeling really raw after everything that happened with Marshall, and coming home to find you guys, it just really hit me I’d basically imagined this whole friendship.”

“You didn’t imagine it.”

“I kind of did.” I shrug, chagrined. “I thought that you and everyone else were my best friends. I thought we were it, you know?”

She picks at the edges of her fingernails. It’s been a nervous habit as long as I’ve known her. “I guess for me, it was sort of like we got thrown together. Like we became friends by default.”

“Yeah.” I nod, not sure what else to say.

“And I love being your roommate, I love hanging out with you. But…”

“But I’m not your person,” I finish, resigned.

She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t have to. A tear escapes me and I curse myself for my inability to stop crying tonight. What she’s saying is true, something needs to change, otherwise we’re just going to end up resenting each other, but I still feel like I’m losing my best friend. The idea of the life I thought I had is slipping out of my grasp, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, I have to let it go.

“I just can’t believe that I’ve done it again,” I whisper, my voice thick.

“Done what?”

“I keep doing this. I keep getting the wrong end of the stick and creating these scenarios in my head. I can’t help myself and then I try to force people to fit into the box I’ve made for them.”

“That’s not true. You’ve never forced me into anything, you wanted more than what we had, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We just need to get on the same page.”

“I did it with Rowan.” The words are barely audible, and I have to stifle a sob that wants to break free as I remember the look on his face when his friend rounded the corner.

“What are you talking about?”

“I thought that we were serious. I thought that he really liked me, but he didn’t even tell his friends about me.”

“Oh shit.” I don’t need her to tell me what she’s thinking. It’s all over her face. She’s remembering the fallout of my fling with Marshall, how he talked me into keeping it a secret, like I was something shameful. I’ve let it happen again, and I can’t believe I was this stupid. That I was so desperate for affection that I walked right back into the same situation, apparently never learning my lesson. “I’m so sorry, Ruth.”

“What is wrong with me that this keeps happening?” I succumb to the flood of emotions, turning into a sobbing mess. Georgie moves to sit behind me, wrapping both arms around me in a tight hug.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” she coos.

“Why do I always pick people who are never gonna feel the same way about me?”

I can’t quell the voice in my head that screams this is my own fault. There must be something in me, some fundamental flaw, that makes me so inherently unlovable. Why else would every single person I have in my life turn around and tell me that they don’t want me anymore?

“Ruth-” she starts.

I stand, brushing off her touch. “I’m fine. I just need some time.” I appreciate how sweet she’s being, but it’s hard to take comfort from her after everything that’s happened. I need time for my feelings to catch up to my brain, and I can only do that alone.

I head toward my bedroom, it feels weird to be back here after so much time spent at Rowan’s. It doesn’t quite feel like home anymore. Instead, my safe place turned into that masculine bedroom with its dark sheets and constant smells wafting in from whatever Trevor was cooking. Now that that’s lost to me, I don’t know where to go from here.

I check my phone and see a dozen missed calls from Rowan, and a few from Trevor, but I can’t bring myself to do anything other than switch off the device.

I’m just so tired of my big feelings, of living in my chaotic brain, of all these unmet expectations.

I can feel the walls going up like a physical sensation. Needing other people, wanting things from them, it’s only ever brought me pain. It’s time to finally take care of myself, and at least now I know the only person who’s going to keep me safe is me.