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Chapter Fifty-Three

ROWAN

S weat stings my eyes as it runs in rivulets down my face. Despite the frigid temperatures, I can feel the blood in my cheeks turning my face a bright red, my breath forming clouds of steam as I drag the tackle sled back to my starting position.

I don’t need to be running drills. If I don’t have my form nailed at this point, less than seventy-two hours before the final regular season game of my playing career, then it’s never going to happen. I just need the repetitive action to try and clear my head. It has the added benefit of meaning that I don’t have to talk to anyone.

It’s been three days since Ruth walked out of my life, and I’ve been like a bear with a thorn in its paw ever since. Trevor’s been trying to get me to talk about it, but the only thing I’ve left my room for has been practice. That’s only because if I missed it, Fitz would show up at my place and physically drag me to the field.

If I’m honest, though, I might as well have stayed at home. Even though my body’s here, the rest of me is elsewhere. It’s just hard to put my all into it when I can’t help but feel like this is the exact thing that cost me her. If I hadn’t been such an idiot and had just told the guys what Ruth meant to me way back at the start, then maybe none of this would have happened.

The shrill sound of the whistle has us jogging toward the coaches. I hang at the edge of the group as Fitz leaves us with some parting words. The atmosphere buzzes as it dawns on everyone that we’ll soon face Allbreck for the conference championship. We head toward the lockers, and I can’t wait to get clean and finally put on something warm.

A week ago, I’d have been as fired up as everyone else, ready to finally complete the task I started as a freshman, but it’s hard to feel anything other than the hollowness that rattles in my chest. I’m moving through a haze, a fog obscuring everyone and everything. The only thing that seems to pierce it is the blinding pain that spears me every time I think of her, her agonized expression haunting me at every hour.

When I hit the locker room, my plan is to grab my shit and get out of here, but as soon as I step through the door, I realize that’s not going to happen.

“Get fucked,” I growl out as I take in the group of guys sitting in a semi-circle, folding chairs dragged through from the meeting room, all looking at me with hangdog expressions.

“We gotta do this, Ro.” Jasper smiles glumly.

“The fuck we do.” I spin on my heel, determined to get the hell away from this makeshift intervention, but thick arms wrap around each of mine, and I’m all but bundled into a chair. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you ?” Taylor asks, leaning forward in his chair. It’s almost comical that all of them are squashed into this room, all looking so serious. If I wasn’t so pissed off, I might even laugh.

“I’m not doing this.”

“You don’t have a choice.”

“We’re worried about you, man,” Darius says quietly.

I slump slightly. “You don’t have to be.” My attempt at reassuring them is met with blank stares.

“We kinda do,” Christian pipes up, “especially when you’ve been an asshole to everyone all week. This isn’t like you.”

“Can I not just be in a bad fuckin’ mood?”

“No!” he says. “Not this close to the final. It’s affecting everybody, can’t you see that?”

“Josh asked you to look at his form yesterday and you nearly bit his head off,” says Taylor, “now him and the rest of the freshman are too afraid to talk to you.”

“I’m not his coach,” I growl, “it’s not my job to take care of them.”

Christian continues, “we need to be united, now more than ever, and if you’re gonna go off the rails, then we need to know about it. Because we either got to get it fixed or lock you in my trunk for the next three days so that you can’t infect everyone else with whatever crawled up your ass.” It’s not like him to lay down the law, but I have to admit, it kind of suits him.

“I don’t know why you’re all acting like this is anything to do with you. My game is fine. I’ll be fine on Friday. So what if I feel like shit? I’m not your captain. I’m not your coach. Hell, I’m barely even your friend these days so just leave me the fuck alone!” I spit it out through gritted teeth.

I get up to escape, but I’m stopped by Darius’ confused voice.

“You’re not our friend?”

Fuck, this is not how I wanted tonight to go. “You tell me.” I laugh bitterly. “Kinda feels like you guys only talk to me if you want to ask me about football stuff.”

“Well, yeah.” Christian frowns. “Because you basically know everything. We know you’ll have our backs.”

I don’t know how to get them to understand. I drag in a long breath, scrubbing a hand over the stubble that’s started to grow in. “You never want to hang out anymore. It’s like ever since you found out I was gonna be a coach next year, I stopped being part of the team.” I can’t look at them as I say it, too afraid to see something in their faces that tells me I’m right.

“You really feel that way?” The question comes from Jed, the last person I’d expect to be speaking in the sad, bewildered tone he’s currently using. I shrug in response, not sure what else there is to say.

“Dude,” Jasper murmurs, and he sounds so sad that I can’t help but look up at him. “You know we love you, right? I think I speak for everyone when I say that you’re always gonna be our friend. Yeah, it’s gonna be an adjustment for you to join the staff, but it doesn’t have to be a big deal. As long as you don’t plan on turning into a ball-busting prick.”

“I might bust your balls, just a little bit.” I try to smile, but I doubt it’s all that convincing.

“We just ask you about game stuff because we trust you,” says Darius, “we know you’ll give it to us straight, but that you’re not gonna be a dick about it.”

“You’re a lot more approachable than Fitz,” says Taylor.

“Yeah,” Jed adds with a roll of his eyes, “you’re a fucking teddy bear.”

“But it’s literally all you talk to me about.”

“It’s all any of us are thinking about!” Christian exclaims. “I can’t even remember a time when any of us had a conversation that wasn’t football-related. This is our year, man. None of us has anything else going on.”

I sit back, trying to let their words sink in. Maybe I’ve been looking for signs that weren’t there, trying to prove my own point, and in doing so, I’ve turned my worst fear into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I thought that it was them pulling away, but what if I’m just as much to blame? I don’t know how to unpack what they’re saying, to think that I’ve let my anxieties sabotage my final year with the guys.

Maybe that’s just my problem. Maybe I’ve been so focused on the worst possible outcome that I end up creating it. In every part of my life I’ve been ruled by fear, and look where it’s got me.

“Is this why you’ve been such an asshole?” Jed asks.

A sigh comes from my left. “I think I might have something to do with that.”

I turn to meet Taylor’s apologetic stare. I’m about to tell him to shut his mouth, that there’s no point bringing up Ruth when there’s nothing to tell anymore. My instinct is screaming that this’ll only cause problems and shatter the fragile bridge we’re building. But I think by now, I’ve proved that my instincts are total shit. Besides, what else have I got to lose?

I decide right here that I’m done hiding Ruth. Even if she’s done with me, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m completely in love with her and I’m fuckin’ proud to be. If the guys have a problem with that then so be it, but the lying stops now.

I’ve been scared too long, and looks what it’s cost me.

I look around at the curious expressions eyeing me up and sigh. “Taylor saw me with Ruth.”

“Okay?” Darius asks after a pause, “should we know who that is?”

“She’s, uh-” I cough. “She’s the Allbreck mascot.”

“Gunther?” Christian exclaims.

“And when you say ‘together,’ you mean…” Jasper questions.

“She’s, well, she was, my girlfriend.”

You could hear a pin drop with how silent things turn.

Christian is the one to break it. “Shit.”

“Oh fuck.” Jed covers his face with his hands. I had expected them to be pissed, but he looks…afraid? “I kidnapped your girlfriend? Fuck dude, I had no idea.” He holds out his hands pleadingly and I almost laugh. “Am I about to die?”

I shuffle in the chair as I take in the guys. There’s no anger, no judgement. Only confusion. Confusion and Jed looking almost as green as the turf.

“Jesus.” I frown. “Chill out, no. We weren’t even together then.”

“Oh, thank God.” He visibly deflates.

“You guys aren’t mad?”

“Why would we be mad?” asks Taylor. “You guys seemed cute together.”

“I mean-” I raise my eyebrows. “I’m kind of dating the enemy, or whatever.”

Darius snorts. “You think we give a shit about that?”

“Dude, obviously we fucking hate Allbreck, but that’s just on the field. It’s nothing personal.” Christian frowns, his stare going right through me. “Did you really think that we’d be assholes about it?”

“I definitely would have been an asshole about it,” Jed adds with a smirk, “but I’m an asshole about everything.”

“She got you suspended.”

“ I got me suspended.” He frowns. “And trust me, I’m done with all that bullshit.”

Their acceptance does what I thought was impossible, and manages to make me feel worse. At least if they’d been pissed, I would have known I was right to not say anything.

Instead, I now know that I hurt Ruth, that I ruined everything between us, and it was all for nothing.

The shame almost chokes me and it’s hard to hold myself up in the chair. All I want to do is crawl back to my place and wallow in the self-loathing that’s become so familiar.

“Wait,” Darius asks, “You said she was your girlfriend?”

I groan, squeezing my eyes shut. The last thing I want to do is to relive the whole thing, but somehow, I manage to make it through the story without crying like a fuckin’ baby.

Taylor whistles. “Damn, you really fucked that one up.”

“I know,” I whisper.

“You still love her?” Christian asks.

The answer comes without hesitation, and even as it’s painful, it feels good to finally say the words. “So much.”

“Then let’s figure out how the hell we fix this.”

“Rowan?” Fitz calls from his office door as I’m heading out. “Step in here a minute.”

My heart kicks with nerves as I enter. He must have heard everything I said to the guys. Is he going to chew me out for lying? Rescind the job offer?

“Take a seat.”

I do, not able to look him in the eye. The loose thread at my knee suddenly becomes very interesting as I wait for him to speak.

“You boys need to work on your volume control if you’re gonna have secret meetings ten feet from my open door.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Look at me, son.”

It takes a second, but when I do I don’t see the face I was expecting. Fitz’s brow is furrowed, his jaw tight, but the look in his eyes is all concern.

“When you sat in here last and told me there was nothing going on, was that-”

“It was the truth.” I may not have been upfront with him, but I can’t have him thinking I lied to his face.

“Alright. But things have changed?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“I see.”

“I’m sorry,” I blurt out. “I should have said something. I knew it was a bad idea-”

“What was?”

“Getting involved with her.”

“Why?”

His question stops me in my tracks. “You told me not to?”

“I told you to be careful. I never said not to fall in love, kid.”

“But I-”

“Look,” he interrupts. “Yes, given what’s happening next year, getting involved with a student at another college isn’t ideal, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”

“But Simmons-”

“Was a forty-five-year-old with a wife and child, running off with a teenager. It’s not the same.”

I chew on the inside of my cheek.

“I just don’t want to let you down,” I say, my throat tightening until I can hardly breathe.

“Rowan,” he sighs, “you’re not letting anybody down. I know you, I know what’s in your heart. I know you’ll put this team first, probably more than you should. But son, you can stop now. You don’t have to keep holding up the whole world on your own. You gotta let yourself be happy.”

I can’t keep it in, the tears come, heavy sobs that shake my whole body. Fitz stands and I hear the door click shut, the first time he’s closed it fully as long as I’ve known him. He crouches next to my seat and wraps an arm around my shoulders.

“I love you, kid. Just don’t go tell that girl of yours all our secrets, yeah?”