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jt

I t’s Saturday night and I am standing in front of my mirror, fussing with my hair. My curls just won’t sit right and it’s stressing me out. I give up and scrutinise my reflection. I don’t know why I care so much but I want to look nice tonight. I’ve chosen my favourite blue jeans that are loose around the legs but fit my ass like a worn glove. They’re a nice light blue and have a few rips in the knees that I like.

I’ve already changed my top five times before finally settling on a green Nike t-shirt that I think matches my eyes. I tried on a polo top earlier but I thought it looked a little too formal for a pizza and movie night. I don’t want to look like I’ve tried too hard.

I check the bus timetable for the eightieth time, unsurprised to note the schedule hasn’t changed since the last time I looked five minutes ago. I’m on my own tonight as far as transportation is concerned. My family are at a church charity event across town and won’t be back till late. Not that they would have been a viable transport option either way. And given the circumstances, Trey is out for tonight too.

Just as I think his name my phone rings and I see my cousin’s name on the display. I pause before I answer.

“Hey, man,” I say, putting a little pep into my tone.

“Cuz. We’re heading over to Marco’s in a bit. Everyone’s gonna be there including Chanel. Want me to swing by and pick you up?”

Of course he pitched it that way, as though it is a given that I am in. Although to be fair, I’ve never had my own plans before, plans that didn’t involve Trey and whatever he was doing.

“Oh, I actually have plans tonight,” I admit, aware of the nerves invading my voice.

“What? With who?” Trey asks with a level of disbelief that should be insulting.

“I’m going to Quinn’s house. He’s having some friends over to watch a movie.” No, I didn’t need to add that last part but I kind of need Trey to know it isn’t like it is just me and Quinn hanging out alone. Like a date or something. That would be weird, right? Just me and Quinn?

Trey is silent for a few beats, and I can almost count the loud thuds of my heart beating in my ears. “You’re hanging out with Quinn? Again?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

I hesitate. “Because he invited me and I want to go.”

“Right,” he says.

“We can hang tomorrow?” I suggest. “After training?”

“Yeah. Sure,” Trey says but he sounds disappointed, and I hate that. Trey has made life so easy for me since moving back to Evergreen and I know I owe him better than this.

“I’m sorry. About tonight. I would just feel rude if I cancelled on Quinn …”

“That’s okay, cuz. You go have fun with your new friends. Don’t worry about us.”

We hang up and I feel a pang of guilt. But then I think of Quinn and the thought of disappointing him leaves me feeling even worse so I know I’m making the right decision. Besides, it’s not like I have some formal contract that binds me to hanging out with the basketball team. I see them literally all the time. I’m allowed to have friends outside of that space. I think.

I pull my Nike LeBron’s on, pick up my phone and keys and head for the streets. Morlee didn’t have a public transport system so I’m not well versed in the process, but I manage. The bus is slow and struggles up the hills and I am subsequently late by the time I make the short walk to Quinn’s house. I steel my nerves as I take a deep breath and knock on his front door, wishing I could just be cool for once in my life.

Quinn arrives on his front doorstep and that wish dissolves into thin air. My throat tightens and I am instantly tongue-tied and completely ridiculous as he flashes that crooked smile, his dark hair swept effortlessly back from his eyes. I immediately clock the casual classiness he exudes and wish I hadn’t second guessed my black polo top after all.

“You came,” he grins.

“Course,” I say a little breathlessly which I credit to the walk from the bus stop. Obviously. He looks past me to the street.

“How did you get here?”

“Bus,” I shrug.

“You should have told me. I would have come and picked you up,” he says, a little frown on his face.

“It’s okay. I honestly don’t mind. It was actually quite thrilling for me. Besides, I don’t want to keep putting you out of your way.”

“I really don’t mind, JT,” he assures me. He knocks the door open wide in a move that should not be so freaking sexy and stands aside. “Ready for this?”

“Should I be worried?” I step up to the door, breathing him in as I slide past, instantly wrapped up in that masculine scent that is all him.

“Course not,” he replies. I wait for him to lead and follow down the hallway to the living room where three sets of eyes look up at me, a mixture of curiosity and open hostility to greet my arrival.

“Guys, I think you all know JT,” Quinn says with an ease I can only admire. “This is Benson, Eddie and Jace,” Quinn turns to me, pointing at each of his friends in turn.

“Hi,” I say, sending them an awkward wave. Benson and Eddie return the greeting, but Jace just stares pointedly at Quinn.

“So, we’re hanging out with jocks now, are we?” he mutters, loud enough for us all to hear. Quinn ignores him so I do the same, feeling only a little out of place. But I do feel the pang of unwelcome vibes, even if it’s only from Jace, so I glue myself to Quinn’s side as he moves to the kitchen. I help him empty popcorn and M&Ms into bowls and follow him as we move back to the living room. I note the absence of alcohol and weed which actually makes for a refreshing change from the guys I usually hang around with.

Quinn takes a spot on the two-seater lounge, the one we shared last weekend. I hesitate, wanting to follow him but my delay costs me when Jace casually takes the vacant spot beside Quinn. I curse under my breath. Benson is spread out across the other sofa while Eddie sits on the floor beside him so I drop into the only free seat in the single armchair.

“How was your game last night?” Eddie asks.

“Really good. We had a nice win,” I tell him.

“The Dukes must be right up the top of the table by now, yeah?” he continues.

“Yup. We’re number one right now but we still have a few weeks of the season left. Southside Devils are hot on our tails.”

“Ugh, basketball. So boring,” Jace comments. I find myself amused at his attempt to deflect attention from me.

“For you, idiot, but most of the general population like it,” Eddie cuts back in, throwing a cushion at Jace.

“Do you ever get to any games?” I ask Eddie.

“Occasionally but it’s hard when Quinn and Jace are basically allergic to sport and Benson will stick with the majority. Plus, the one time I actually made the guys come to a game Jace spent the whole time whining and then spent the second half rating the players.”

“I did no such thing,” Jace replies indignantly. Eddie raises an eyebrow at him and Jace huffs. “It was one time.”

“You never told me you’re allergic to sport,” I say, directing my attention to Quinn. He just shrugs and I’m struck by how elegant his shoulders are, more sensual than overtly masculine. If that’s even a thing.

“I wouldn’t say allergic. I just never really got the appeal,” he says.

“I would have thought watching a bunch of sweaty men playing with balls was right up your alley,” Eddie cuts in before Jace throws the cushion back at his face. “Hey!”

“Well, I’m not complaining about that,” Quinn quirks back, eyes on me while I lose my grip on my smile.

“Are we starting this movie or what?” Jace grumbles. Quinn shoots me a quick smile before he stands to turn off the lights and the movie starts. I try to pay attention to the movie but I am sidetracked by watching how Quinn interacts with Jace, noting the familiarity and ease between them as they share a bowl of popcorn. I know it is jealousy I am feeling.

The pizzas arrive in the middle of the movie. Quinn pauses for intermission while he brings the boxes to the dining table, and we descend like vultures. Amy comes downstairs in the middle of the chaos, dressed in her work scrubs and pulling her hair into a ponytail.

“Oh hello, JT,” she says when she sees me. Her smile is real and I feel so special to have been singled out by her. “I didn’t realise you were coming over tonight. It’s lovely to see you.”

“Nice to see you too, Amy,” I smile back at her.

“How was your game last night?” she asks.

“We had a good win,” I tell her, pleased she remembered.

“Well done you.”

“Hi, Amy,” Jace cuts in, drawing her attention his way.

“Hello, Jace,” Amy replies. Her greeting is not said with the same level of enthusiasm and I can’t help but preen a little inside, feeling smug and petty all at once.

“Are you off to your shift?” I ask.

“Yep unfortunately but someone’s got to do it. On the plus side, it’s double time for Saturday nights so I find it hard to say no. Can you help this one keep an eye on things for me?” she adds, pulling Quinn into a one-armed hug.

“I’ll certainly try,” I laugh.

“Bye, Mum,” Quinn says with an eyeroll, but he pecks a kiss on her cheek and she pats his head affectionately. I feel a pang of envy at the easy way they are with each other, none of the staid formality and demand for respect that I’m more familiar with at home.

I use the pause in proceedings to good effect, swooping in and stealing the seat next to Quinn when we return for the movie. Jace scowls at me but drops into the armchair, thankfully opting out of causing a scene. Quinn sends me a knowing smirk, his eyebrow raised as he hits play on the movie, but I don’t look away from him. His smile drops from his face, and I think I forget how to breathe. Quinn is the one who looks away first and I suck in a breath of air.

I’m overly aware of Quinn beside me, his presence electric. I sink into the comfort of the sofa, trying to stave off the yawns but I am really tired from last night’s game and the movie is kind of boring. I feel my head start to dip and my eyelids droop.

It is only when I hear murmurs around me that I realise I have fallen asleep. But that is not the worst of it because I soon discover that my head is somehow inexplicably in Quinn’s lap. I freeze, embarrassment hitting like a tidal wave as awareness seeps in. The lights are still dim, but I am acutely aware of the fact my ear is pressed up against Quinn’s dick, my cheek in his lap. I hurry to lick up a drop of drool before it lands. It’s then I realise Quinn’s hand is in my hair, fingers gently moving between the strands absently, almost like he's not aware of the movement.

Am I dreaming? Is this actually happening? I don’t dare move because if I do then it will become a weird thing, me with my head in Quinn’s lap, him gently stroking my hair. I’m heating up all over, breaths quickening and blood rushing south, but I don’t dare open my eyes.

The guys are talking, and I realise the movie has finished but I don’t know what to do. Nobody seems to be mentioning the fact I am sleeping on Quinn’s lap although I’m certain it has not gone unnoticed. I lay still as I hear Benson, or is it Eddie, announce they’re heading home.

Quinn must feel me stir because next second his fingers are out of my hair, and I lament their absence immediately. But then he is leaning down to my ear, his breath warm on my skin.

“Don’t move,” he says, voice low and soothing. He carefully manoeuvres himself out from under me, replacing his very comfortable lap with a cushion. I hear him walking down the hallway with his friends, but I don’t want to look in case Jace is still here in the lounge and I have to see the judgment on his face. Because I’m kind of judging myself too. I literally just fell asleep on Quinn’s dick. I don’t think I’ve ever been so embarrassed.

I hear the quiet murmurs of voices and then the door is closing shut and it is just me and Quinn alone in his house. He pads back into the living room and I open my eyes, wondering what on earth he is thinking of me as the blood rushes to my cheeks.

I sit up, clutching the cushion he so gently laid under my head to my chest. “I’m so sorry,” I say. “I didn’t realise how tired I was after basketball last night.”

“It’s quite alright,” he replies, perching on the coffee table in front of me. There is a definite smile in his eyes.

“Sorry for …” I begin, waving my hand when words flee. Sorry for falling asleep squished up on your dick is what I wanted to say. Although I’m not entirely sure I am legitimately sorry about that part.

“It’s really okay, JT,” Quinn says and yep, he is definitely amused by me. “Do you want me to take you home? Or …”

I still. I need to know what or means. I need to know what or means so badly that I say nothing, waiting breathlessly until he finishes his sentence. Or what?

“Or you can stay here again. You seem really tired.”

I grasp onto that, needing some excuse as to why I am so ready and eager to accept his invitation to spend another night in his room. In his bed. With him. Consciously this time.

“I am tired,” I agree.

“You want to stay then?” he asks.

“If that’s alright.”

“Course it is,” he says. “Lucky I kept your toothbrush from last week.”

“Small mercies,” I smile, aware that I can’t look away from his eyes. But he hasn’t looked away from me either. A heaviness settles into the space between us as we sit facing each other. I’m not afraid to admit I don’t know what to do with myself or the way my emotions are tumbling around me. So I grasp for the only thoughts still managing to cut through to break the silence.

“I don’t think Jace likes me much,” is what I say.

“That’s okay,” Quinn replies, not even attempting to deny it. “He’ll come around.”

“It’s because he likes you, you know.” I just say it. I don’t know why but I kind of just want to have this conversation with Quinn once and for all. I am always wondering about him and Jace and I guess I just need to know what they are to each other. Quinn chuckles softly before he moves to sit on the sofa beside me.

“I know,” he says. I swivel to face him, hyperaware of all the places our knees touch. Neither of us moves away.

“You do?”

“He’s just a friend,” he adds, pressing in a little closer.

“Does he know that?”

Quinn lets out a low sigh. “I don’t know.”

“Have you and him ever … you know?” I probe.

“You ask a lot of questions about Jace, JT,” Quinn comments, an amused tilt to his lips.

“I know. I just …” I don’t know what else to say so I let my words die on the wind. I just need to know if you like him .

“Okay then let me be honest with you about Jace,” Quinn says. I perk up as his hand moves onto my knee, fingers brushing the skin through the rips in my jeans. He seems almost unaware of the movement even though I suspect he is. I think I would be having a heart attack if I wasn’t also keenly hanging on to Quinn’s answer. “When we were in year ten, both of us freshly out, we made out when I was over at his house. It happened only once and both of us decided we just liked each other as friends.”

I swallow, not quite ready to hear the confirmation that Quinn and Jace have kissed. I can picture it in my head, the two of them like that. I don’t like it one bit.

“But why?” I ask anyway.

“Why what?”

“Why don’t you want to be with him? He’s gay. You’re gay …”

“And you think I just hookup with anyone who happens to be gay?” Quinn quirks, eyebrow raised. His fingers pause on my knee and I wish they would go back to that leisurely stroking.

“Sorry. That sounded really dumb out loud. I didn’t mean it like that,” I say, mentally hitting myself over the head.

“It’s okay, JT. I know what you meant.”

“I meant he’s really nice looking. Not as pretty as you but I can see why you might like him.”

Quinn glances up at me sharply. “You think I’m pretty, JT?”

“I um, I mean … Did I say that out loud?”

“You did. I’ll let you in on a little secret too,” he says in a way that has me leaning in. “I think you’re pretty too.”

“Really?” I say, far too breathlessly.

“Yep. Cute, pretty, gorgeous. Sweet. All the words.”

My heart is wedged up in my throat. I can hardly hear over the loud whooshing in my ears. Quinn is watching me, his face barely inches from mine. His gaze drops to my mouth and I think yes,

this is it . This is the moment Quinn finally kisses me. It coincides with the moment I realise how badly I want him to. It’s not just a want, it’s a need . A desperate, cloying need. Like, I don’t think I will survive if he doesn’t kiss me.

Then just when I think I can’t take it any longer, Quinn sucks in a deep breath and looks away. The disappointment that hits me is so forceful it jolts me into action.

“Quinn?”

My hand has already latched onto his and I know it is too late now to pretend this is nothing, to back out or simply laugh it off. He knows it too, surprised blue eyes looking back steadily at me.

This time my eyes dip to his mouth, the plush pink lips I have thought about a whole hell of a lot recently. I want to know what they taste like. I need to know what they taste like. I don’t think I can live another minute of my life without knowing what they taste like.

A wave of boldness washes over me as time whittles down, down, down. Right down to this moment with just me and just Quinn and those plush, pillowy lips that I will die if I don’t get a taste of.

And before I can second guess myself, I lean forward and plant my mouth on his.

His sharp inhale of surprise is the only sound he makes. I don’t know if it’s a good surprise or a bad one but it’s too late because my mouth is already clasped onto his. Neither of us moves, both of us just living in this quiet press of our lips. But it’s enough for me to know in that instant that one taste is never going to be enough.

I want to deepen the kiss. I want to plunge into him and forget who I am for the next few moments. I want everything from him but suddenly, Quinn pulls away, breaths coming out in sharp draws, eyes dark pools across from me.

“JT. What is—”

“I don’t know. Just kiss me, Quinn,” is all the answer I can give him. He searches my face and maybe he finds the answer he’s looking for because he surges forward again, those incredible lips back on mine. He takes charge of the kiss this time, one hand sliding up into my curls, angling my head just the way he wants it.

And yes! This is it. This is the feeling, the one I’ve been chasing my whole life. The way he feels, so unbelievably good, so incredibly right, like all my life has been heading to this one moment in time. To this one kiss. This one kiss with a boy.

He deepens the kiss, his mouth moving on mine, and I swear on all that I am, this is the best feeling I have ever felt in my life.

His lips are warm and firm and commanding, and I have never kissed anyone like this before. A low sound reverberates from Quinn’s throat. I don’t know why but it does something to me, kickstarting a thrumming awareness inside me. My blood starts to heat and everything just starts to burn up. His tongue dips out, licking along the seam of my lips. I let him in.

Quinn nudges me carefully, enough to let me know what he wants. I yield to him, letting him push me down onto the sofa, his body lining up alongside me.

I catch fire, blood rushing south. I’m making noises I didn’t even know I could make —b reathy and desperate — but he’s swallowing them up.

Quinn’s fingers dip into the space just above my waistband, sparks trailing in his wake as he glides along the chords of my abs. This . This is what I have been waiting for in forever, this kind of heady lust and want and need for another human. No one else has ever affected me like he does.

Quinn’s fingers explore my abs while my hand goes into his hair, getting to feel those silky strands as his tongue plunders my mouth. I don’t know how I can keep holding on, this need for more, more, more .

Quinn answers, his body shifting until he is on top of me. That’s when I feel the hard outline of him and when he presses against where I am feeling him the most — I officially lose my mind. Neutrons and electrons I didn’t even know I had spark to life all over. I can’t stop the whimper that leaves my mouth.

“Fuck, JT,” Quinn murmurs. I concur.

Quinn is answering every question I ever had about myself with this kiss, but I know there’s still more. So much, much more. I love the weight of him on me like this, love every inch of his hard body on mine. I love the way he controls me, how easy it is to yield to him.

His hand slides to my hip and then back to my stomach but there is a tremble to his touch, like he’s trying to hold himself back. I don’t want him to hold himself back. I want everything. I want his hand to drop lower. I want his hand on my dick. It’s the first time I have ever wanted anyone to touch me like that.

Quinn though has other ideas as he breaks the kiss, panting breathlessly into my mouth as I do the same.

“I have to stop kissing you,” he pants.

“No. Don’t stop,” I protest, chasing those perfect lips. His blue eyes are gone, completely blown to black as he pulls air into his lungs.

He lets out a slightly desperate laugh, gaze dropping down to caress my overheated body. “Believe me, JT. I don’t want to stop kissing you either but I’m afraid if I don’t, I’m not going to be able to stop myself from doing a whole lot more.”

“Like what?” I’ve suddenly gone all breathless but I am beyond caring how I sound right now.

“Like, I’m going to want to let my fingers trail down to your jeans button,” Quinn tells me, illustrating his point with his hand. But he stops on my button, going no further. “And then I’ll want to drag your zip down so that I can slip my hand down your pants and touch you. But that’s not going to be enough for me because I know once I touch you, I’ll want to suck you too.”

I’m pretty sure I’ve stopped breathing, heart rate stuttering as the desire flooding my body renders me speechless. I want that too. I want it so bad but I don’t have the words to say anything.

Quinn smiles softly down at me, smoothing my curls from my forehead. “But I have a feeling this is your first time kissing a guy.” He says it like a question and it’s all I can do to nod. “And I’m guessing if you haven’t kissed a guy, you probably haven’t done anything more either.”

I don’t know if he needs my confirmation, but I nod again anyway. Quinn traces my jaw with his finger. I lean into his touch. “And I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess you also haven’t done anything like that with a girl either?”

I hesitate this time, not quite sure what he wants to hear. “Does that matter?” I ask, voice gone quiet.

“No, of course not,” he assures me. “But it does mean I’m going to hit the pause button — ”

“But — ”

“Just the pause button, JT,” Quinn quirks a smile, pressing his finger to my lips. “We can hit play again later, but I need to cool it down right now. You’ve, ah, got me a little hot over here.”

I feel so immeasurably pleased that I have affected Quinn the same way he has affected me that I agree. “Okay. Tomorrow then? Will you kiss me tomorrow?”

Quinn’s smile hits his eyes as he looks down at me, eyes skating over my body. “I promise I’ll kiss you tomorrow.”

Okay. I can live with that. Quinn promised he’d kiss me again tomorrow and believe me, I plan on taking him up on that.

But as I lay there on the sofa, just me, beside beautiful, perfect, Quinn, my heart still galloping at a thunderous pace and heat still throbbing and swelling in my veins, clarity hits me like a slap in the face. I know I am done overthinking this. I like him. I like Quinn. I like his body—all of it, especially the most masculine parts of him. I want to kiss Quinn. I want his hands on me. I want to touch him back. I don’t want or need to microanalyse my thoughts and emotions anymore.

I like a boy. I want to be with a boy. The time for thinking is through. Now it’s time for action.