Page 21

21

AUSTIN

I had sex with my best friend last night... That’s... I can’t even describe it. I can’t believe it actually happened. I’m trying really hard to play it cool and keep my heart in check, but when he was inside me, the care I felt... yeah.

My brain and heart are kind of at war right now.

“You sore?” His deep voice rumbles in my ear, and I roll to my side to look at him. We’re both still naked, but he did put on some shorts and went to the bathroom to wet a washcloth to bring back and clean us both up before we passed out last night. So there’s no drying cum making us uncomfortable.

But I already want to get nice and sticky again with him. “Nope. I’m ready for round two.”

He laughs, rolling to his side too and resting his arm over me. He kisses my nose. “Liar.”

“Worth it,” I say with 100 percent certainty, closing my eyes and just letting myself enjoy this. I loved every second of being with him. I always do. I told myself I could go one weekend without seeing him, that I’d be okay, but that turned out to be a lie.

I love school. I like my new friends and being in a bigger town where I don’t know very many people. But lying here in Vaughn’s arms like this? It’s familiar and calming in a way I think I took for granted before.

“Austin...” I hear the stark honesty in his voice, just from saying my name, and I open my eyes and see the seriousness in his. “I lo—” Oh no.

I cover his mouth with my hand and give him a stern shake of my head. Did I want to tell him I love him last night when he was inside me? Yes. Too many times to count. And did I want to hear it back from him? Yes.

But I can’t let him say it. I remind myself he’s going through huge changes, that now is not the time to be in an actual relationship. And I’m falling far too easily into that role.

He sighs heavily, his shoulders slumping, and I hate that, but it’s for the best. He has to know deep down, I’m protecting us both by not letting him say it. It’ll be so much worse when this ends if he says that. I’m too weak to not believe it.

He’s quiet for a really long time, and I can see the anger in his eyes, but it’s restrained. He holds it back like he usually does with me. “There’s a Halloween party here next weekend. We should go together.”

I sit up slowly, looking down at his earnest face. “Like a date?”

He shrugs and sits up, running his fingers through his hair nervously. “Sure.”

I stand up, needing some distance, and grab a pair of shorts to pull on. It’s something to do, and it’s better to not be naked when we’re trying to talk. “I don’t know about that.”

“Why not?” His gaze is sharp, and I can see the irritation forming.

He’s not serious, is he? “You’re a football player at this school.”

“So?” He really doesn’t seem bothered by the fact that going to a party with me as his date will out him. It’ll make him a gay football player in all their eyes. It could make his life harder. “I don’t care if anyone knows about us, Austin. I want them to know.”

See, this is the thing about Vaughn. He doesn’t think things through. He’s reckless, and normally, I admire the hell out of him for it. He’s reckless in a way I’ll never feel free enough to be. He’s not careless, he cares so much, but he’s brave. “Vaughn, that’s insane.”

“What is?” He gets off the bed, and I try to ignore his naked form.

“You don’t know what they’re going to think or say if they find out you’re...”

“I’m what? Dating a guy?”

I huff. “We aren’t dating.”

His anger is more on the surface now, his brow furrowed. “Then what the hell are we doing?” He points to the bed. “We hang out and we make each other come. We kiss all the time, and I can’t get enough of that, by the way. I’m in lo—” I stop him, holding my hand up because my heart can’t take it.

“Don’t.”

He cocks his head to the side, looking at me like I’ve totally lost it. “Austin...”

“Don’t, Vaughn. Listen, I love what we’re doing.” I motion toward the bed. “In bed and out. I love kissing you too, but we have to be smart about this. When you started at this school, you were dating Vanessa. They all probably assumed you were totally straight.”

“Well, I’m not.” It’s amazing to me that he can just admit that, with no hesitation. Again, he’s brave, and I admire him for it. But I have to look out for him too. The world—it may be better in some ways, but growing up where we did, he has to know it’s not totally perfect.

There are still plenty of ignorant assholes. Especially in such a male-dominated, hetero-dominated sport like football. “I don’t want to hurt your chances of being part of this team. I know how much you love football.”

“Football isn’t everything,” he says, moving closer to me, one arm wrapping around my lower back.

“We don’t even know what this is,” I say helplessly, trying to keep us both safe. I put a finger up to his mouth to silence any argument. “I want to keep doing this, but I don’t think it’s wise to go to a party as a couple. We aren’t really a couple, Vaughn.”

He studies me carefully, and I can see the pain in his expression. He wants to argue with me. “Are you seeing someone else?”

“What?” I’m shocked by his question and shake my head. “No. Hell no.”

“Do you want to?” His voice is so soft, almost broken, and I hate that I’ve hurt him like this. That I made him think I could want anyone else while I have him.

“Vaughn, no.” I run a hand over his stubbled cheek. “I don’t want anyone but you.”

He offers me a sad smile. “But you don’t want anyone to know you’re with me, and you won’t let me call us a couple.”

Okay, we’re treading on thin ice here. I know it, but I can’t take this sad, sad version of Vaughn. “I just want to take things slowly. I don’t want you to get hurt. You may think the guys on your team are cool, but they could surprise you.”

“And if they’re bigoted pricks, I don’t want to be part of their team anyway.”

“That’s what I mean, Vaughn.” I drop my hand, wondering how this day went sideways so fast. I thought for sure I’d get at least another round of sex and we’d laugh and kiss. Talk about the next time we can do it again, but now we’re kind of fighting. I hate fighting with him. “You’re too good for this world.”

I watch as he swallows down whatever he wanted to say and then gives me a quick nod. “Okay. We won’t go to the party. Can we at least have a party of our own?”

I should tell him we need to cool it. Suggest we take a weekend or two off, but I’m too weak for that. I need to feel like we’re still okay.

“Yes. Of course.”

Finally, he lights up a little bit, but it still feels off. Like I messed it up.

And I really hate that feeling.