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17

VAUGHN

O kay, so this week at school wasn’t so bad, even though I totally got dumped last week. I haven’t talked to Vanessa, and I don’t think I’m ready for that yet, but I’m not really all that mad at her.

It sucks, and I miss her, but I’m not really as heartbroken as I thought I’d be. Especially after spending most of last weekend with Austin. Thank fuck we didn’t have a football game, but we do this weekend.

However, it’s Friday, and I’m done with classes until Monday morning, so Austin is coming here to stay the night. I tried to talk him into a football game, but of course, he dipped out of that one. We set it up last weekend, right before he left to help me not be so sad about it. It worked because I was in a much better mood this week.

I even hung out with a couple of guys from the team—the ones who are benched like me, and one of them happens to be in my psychology class.

I’ve had a lot of time to think this week too, about Vanessa and Austin. How I wasn’t all that sad about the breakup with Vanessa. I mean, I was for that night, but I healed from it. I’m okay. But if Austin would have been totally done with me? If we hadn’t talked so much since we started college, even though it hasn’t felt like enough—that would break me.

I have no doubt.

So what does that mean? I’m not completely sure. I can’t say I’ve never thought about being more than friends with Austin—it was always hypothetical because I had a girlfriend, but if I’m being totally honest, I’ve thought about it.

Especially since he told me he was in love with me. And really, really especially since I became single too and he was there. He showed up because he knew I was upset, and that’s all he needed to know.

I couldn’t stop looking at his mouth—it’s pretty, with full pink lips, kind of in the shape of a heart—and thinking about what it would have been like to kiss him. I thought about it most of last weekend—at least the part where I didn’t feel like I was close to dying.

And I don’t think it would be bad—not bad at all. I don’t think it would feel weird or wrong in any way. It’s all I can really think about this week. Would he want to kiss me? I mean, I know he said he was in love with me, but he also said he didn’t know what that love really meant.

That maybe he was confused. That’s why I had to ask him again. He said he was, but I get the impression that maybe he still doesn’t want to be. Maybe we just need to kiss.

See if it could be more. Maybe it would be totally awkward—like kissing your brother. I cringe, secretly hoping it wouldn’t feel that way. I realize I’m actually holding out hope it will be good—that is, if he actually wants to kiss me.

He may not want to. Maybe he found someone else this week and realized he only wants to be friends.

My panic starts to rise, and I suddenly wish I could talk to Vanessa or Austin about this. Which—for obvious reasons— I can’t. I will talk to Austin, but he’s part of this equation, and well, Vanessa... She might not be too thrilled about me already thinking about kissing someone else, even though she kind of started it.

I laugh to myself, thinking about how both of them would probably mock me a little for being immature, but this is brand-new territory for me. I’ve always cared about Austin—but these feelings... like wanting to maybe kiss him—yeah, that’s fairly new.

I feel like a little kid, waiting for him to arrive, and when he knocks on my door, I nearly pull the door off the hinges, opening it for him. He just laughs and lets me hug him before pulling him inside.

“Hey,” he laughs, totally used to my clinginess.

“Hey, I was starting to think you weren’t coming.”

He shakes his head at me for being ridiculous. “I’m actually a little earlier than I thought I’d be. My last class got canceled.”

“I’m sure that hurt your academic heart,” I tease.

“Totally.” He puts his bag down next to the door and then flops onto my bed like he belongs here—and as far as I’m concerned, he does. “So, what do you have planned for us? Please tell me there are no frat parties in my future?”

I smile and then sit down next to him on my bed. “Nah. I think I’m done drinking for the next decade.”

He snorts. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Did you see Justin this week?” I have to ask—I’ve been dying to ask, but I also didn’t mean to sneer his name like that. I can’t seem to help it.

“Yeah, a couple of times.” I don’t realize my face is doing anything, but apparently, it’s showing how I’m feeling because it makes Austin cackle. “ Relax. We have classes together, and I think he’s perfectly fine with being just friends. There was no spark on either side. Trust me.”

I guess I feel a little better now. And no, I still can’t completely work out why, except I can’t stop thinking about tasting his lips, and I can’t do that with Justin in the way.

“You’re looking at me funny. Are you okay?”

Nope. I’m thinking about kissing my best friend after years of thinking we were just friends—best friends—but still. “I’m fine.”

“Have you seen Vanessa?”

I shake my head, not really wanting to talk about her, but I know he’s probably worried about her too. They’re friends. “Nah, I think she’s busy falling in love or some shit. Or she already is.”

“Or she’s just dating this guy and seeing where it’s going to lead, now that she’s single.”

I glare at him. But when I glare at him, it’s barely an actual glare because I can’t ever be mad at him. “I hate when you’re logical.”

He chuckles and stands up. “Feed me. I’m starving.”

I take a moment to look at him—really look at him. Shorter than me but not actually a short guy. On the smaller side, sure, but his biceps are hugged by his t-shirt sleeves right now, and they aren’t even close to scrawny—he’s all lean muscle. I know for a fact he has defined abs—not chiseled or anything, but he’s toned. His dirty blond hair is tousled from the wind, probably from a full day of walking to classes, and his light-blue eyes are almost clear, shining with promise and mirth. Happiness. He looks really happy right now. Happier than I’ve ever seen him.

His jaw is sharp, with high cheekbones and full lips that I only want to kiss more now. In short, my best friend is absolutely stunning. How did I not see it before? I guess I did, but I didn’t know I was attracted to him.

And I think that’s what I’m feeling now.

“Vaughn?” He looks worried now, and I try to shake it off, standing up and smiling at him.

“Right. Food. How about we go to an actual restaurant instead of the dining hall? There’s some really good food downtown.”

“Sure.” His smile just does something to my insides, making them gooey, and again, I feel this insane pull toward him—I want to kiss him so badly, but I don’t know if he really wants that.

I chicken out again, and then we start the short walk off campus toward a little college downtown area that has a ton of shops, restaurants, and even a bookstore— because I can do that too, Justin.

When we get back to my dorm room, we have full bellies, and Austin has a couple of new books with him. “That was fun,” he says with a smile, and I watch as he strips out of his shirt. I seriously can’t stop watching him.

I think it’s starting to freak him out too, but I can’t stop. I move closer to him, and he actually backs up until his back hits the wall, my much bigger body blocking him as he looks into my eyes, studying me.

“Are you okay?”

I shake my head from side to side slowly, my eyes sweeping over his beautiful face and landing on his lips that are slightly parted with surprise.

“What’s wrong?” He sounds terrified, but I don’t think it’s because he’s afraid of me. He knows better than that. I think he’s worried for me.

I reach up and cup his cheek with my hand, my thumb sweeping over his cheekbone. I watch as he swallows hard, his prominent Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat.

“Vaughn? What’s wrong?”

“Are you still in love with me?”

He looks surprised by the question, even though I asked him last weekend. “What’s going on?”

I drop my hand down enough for my thumb to sweep over his lower lip, plump and soft. “Please, just answer me.”

“I told you, I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

“But you’re trying to, right?” I don’t know why that sends fear through me, but it does. I don’t want him to stop loving me.

“What’s this about?” He’s watching me carefully now, but he doesn’t push me away.

“I just want to know.”

“If I’m trying not to be in love with you?” I nod. “I don’t know. I can’t think with you standing this close.” That gets my attention, and I look from his lips to his eyes, seeing his confusion. “You make me dumb.”

The right side of my mouth kicks up into a cocky grin now. “Because you want me to kiss you?”

“Vaughn.” His eyes darken a little as his hand wraps around the wrist of the hand I currently have on his cheek. “Don’t.”

“Don’t kiss you?” I’ve moved in closer to him. The cloth of my shirt brushes the bare skin of his chest, and I curse the fact that I didn’t take my shirt off.

My eyes dart to his mouth as he licks his lips, his pink tongue subtly running along the full bottom lip my thumb was just on. “Don’t tease me. It’s cruel.”

I swallow hard now, letting my hand slide back into his soft hair. “I would never tease you, and I would never hurt you. I just need to hear that you want me to kiss you before I do it.”

He smiles, but it’s cautious. Like maybe this is a trap. Which tracks for Austin. He’s smart—sometimes too smart for his own good. He overthinks everything. “I’ll never say no to you kissing me...”

That’s really all I need, even though I know there was likely more to that sentence. All I needed to know is that he wants me to kiss him, and I don’t think about anything else. It doesn’t matter. The only way to actually know if kissing him will feel good is to do it.

So I do. I let my fingers thread through his hair, and I crash my mouth into his, making him grunt in surprise. But as soon as our lips touch, it’s all over for me—because that spark is there.

It’s not a guy I’m kissing instead of a girl. It’s Austin, and it feels right.

He finally starts to move with me, his arms wrapping around my neck as I feast on his sweet mouth. Sucking on his bottom lip, making it swollen and so very mine. That’s what this feels like right now—a claiming.

He’s mine.

My tongue licks across the seam of his mouth, and he doesn’t hesitate to open for me, allowing me to stroke his tongue with my own. To explore his lush mouth. The whimpers he makes as he holds onto me and kisses me back with everything he has should be illegal because I get why he said I make him dumb. I can’t think. I can barely breathe.

All I want is more.

But then he starts to pull back. I chase his mouth with my own, and he laughs, kissing me over and over, biting at my lips as he seems to force himself to pull back. We’re both panting, hungry for each other. I can feel his hard dick against my leg, and my own cock is throbbing, but I can tell he wants to talk.

I’d much rather kiss some more, but I’m not going to be a pushy asshole.

“What’s happening?”

I can’t resist a quick peck against his pouty mouth and grin. “Kissing. Lots and lots of kissing.”

“But...” He drops his arms from around my neck, and I watch in fascination as he brings two fingers to his lips, running them over them. “We don’t kiss.”

“We didn’t. We do now. Or at least I want to.”

“But you’re . . .”

“Straight?” I say on a laugh. “I think we’re past that.” He bites on his bottom lip, and I can’t resist reaching up and freeing his lip from his teeth because— mine . “I really want to kiss you some more.”

But instead of doing that, he moves past me and goes to sit on my bed. He looks up at me. “What changed? Is it because you and Vanessa broke up?”

I sit down next to him, confused. “What do you mean?”

“Are you lonely?”

My anger starts to rise a little bit because that’s why he thinks I kissed him? “You know I’ve had three girls, this week alone, hit on me. And that’s not even the most in a week since I’ve been here.”

I can see he’s a little pissed-off now, his scowl deepening. “Why are you telling me that?”

I try to return his scowl but fail. “Because if I was just lonely, I could hook up. I don’t want that.” I really, really don’t. I’m not a player. I never have been, and he should know better.

“But . . .”

“But what?” I ask, my tone a little sharper than I meant it to be.

“You’re not gay, Vaughn.”

“And since you’re the one who goes to the more liberal college, shouldn’t you know that there are many sexualities out there?” I know because I started researching more and more when he came out. I didn’t want to be an ignorant asshole.

“But . . .” He opens his mouth and then closes it. “But . . .”

I can’t help but laugh at him being speechless, it doesn’t happen often. I nudge him with my arm and roll my eyes dramatically. “Jeez. I guess I’m going to have to teach you some things. Sexuality isn’t fixed. I don’t think so anyway. I think it’s fluid. And while no, I’ve never been attracted to another guy before, lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am very,”—I turn to look him right in the eyes—“very attracted to you.”

He gulps. And I mean actually full-on gulps. “You are?”

I nod with a smile, then push my hand through his thick hair and lean my forehead against his. “Very.”

“When did this happen?”

I grin. “I don’t know. I think it’s been there, under the surface, for a long time.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to not be a coward right now. “I think I’m in l?—.”

He covers my mouth with his hand and shakes his head before I can get the rest out. His eyes are wide, and he looks terrified. I frown beneath his palm. “Don’t. Please don’t.”

“What?” The sound is still muffled by his hand, and I reach up to remove it. “You don’t want me to say it?”

He shakes his head and then stands up, walking away from me but turning to look at me. “This is...” He’s breathing hard. “This is a lot. Something I never thought could ever...” He shakes his head and stops himself. “Look, I can’t be a rebound for you after Vanessa or some kind of experiment.” I start to argue with him, more anger bubbling up, but he holds up a hand to stop me. “If you really...” He stops again and puffs out a ton of air before looking back at me. “If you really want to kiss me again and maybe even more?—”

“So much more,” I cut in emphatically because I want it all. That kiss was epic. I want to do it again and again, and I can’t even imagine what it’ll be like when I get my hands on him.

He smiles shyly at me but then quells it. “Maybe even more, then we need to take it slow.”

“You know we’ve been together for a long time, right?” I stand up, stalking toward him, but as I reach him, he puts his hands on my chest, keeping me from kissing him.

“Not like this, we haven’t. I need . . .”

“Please tell me you don’t need more space.” I think it will kill me.

He shakes his head. “No, but I just...” He sighs. “I need to take it slowly. I need this to be real if it’s going to happen.”

I grasp his chin and tilt it up so he’s looking into my eyes. “It’s very real. I’ll never hurt you. You know that.”

“Not on purpose, you won’t, but Vaughn...” His eyes are watery, and shit, I don’t want to make him cry. How did I mess this up? “You’re everything to me. I don’t want to lose that.”

“You won’t.” That much I’m sure of. He can’t ever get rid of me.

He smiles at that and pats my chest with his hand before moving back. “We should sleep. I have to get out of here tomorrow before the crowd comes in for the game.”

I frown. “So no more kissing?”

He grins, shaking his head at me fondly, and I can never tire of that look on his face. “Not tonight.”

“But maybe next weekend?” I sound like a hopeful idiot, but I couldn’t care less as long as he says yes.

“If you still want to kiss me next weekend, yeah. More kissing next weekend.”

I actually do a little whoop sound and fist-pump at that before undressing down to my boxer briefs and climbing into bed with him to not kiss.

Because I can wait a week. There’s no doubt in my mind I’m going to want to kiss him next weekend and every one after that, if he’ll let me.

It sounds like I’m going to have to convince him of that though.

Challenge. Accepted.