Page 12

12

AUSTIN

T he summer flew by way too fast. And Vaughn and I made every second of it count. I’m not really sure who was more needy this summer, him or me. It doesn’t really matter.

We both know that tomorrow, we’re leaving for college—going to two separate towns—and it’s probably going to be awhile before we see each other. Telling him I’m not going to the same college as him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. The look of hurt in his eyes—it haunts me.

Especially because I didn’t tell him the whole truth. He just thinks I’m going to try to discover myself—which is true. But I also just can’t stand being this close to him and not having him.

I can’t tell him that though. I can’t risk him hating me. This summer has pretty much confirmed that for me. Getting to spend all this free time with my best friend. Going swimming in the lake and camping out a ton. Hanging with Vanessa, and even Katie has become a pretty good friend over the summer.

I think we’ve all been wrapped up in the nostalgia. Knowing we’re heading on to our next chapter.

We set up a tent in our spot and get a fire going with our chairs close enough to it to roast marshmallows, but not so close the smoke makes us sick. It’s a weird feeling, sitting here in a place so familiar—knowing it will be a while before I’m back here. It’s strange because part of me is excited about that fact—doesn’t want to be here again for a while. But the other part of me is mourning a loss. Knowing what I’m losing.

I look over at my best friend—he’s happy like always—but there’s a sense of sadness there. He’s lost in thought, and I’m okay with sitting here silently for a little while too, lost in my own. I’m ready to get out of my parents’ house, even though I love them. I’m excited to get out of this town and be around people who don’t know everything about me. Who I didn’t go to school with.

I want to learn what the world is like outside this town. I want to go to bookstores and get coffee. I want to walk around campus and explore all kinds of different classes until I choose a major.

But when I look at Vaughn, I can’t help but worry about him. He likes the small-town life. He loves being surrounded by people who have known him since birth. He’s used to being popular and having people fawn all over him—I have no doubt he’ll find that in college—but he has to be open to it.

And the way he’s looking out at the horizon right now, I think it’s going to be a hard-fought battle. A war with himself.

“What are you thinking about?” I have to ask—I have to know.

He turns to look at me, the worry written on his face. “Do you really have to do this? Go to a different school? Leave me behind?”

The hurt on his face is killing me. I know he isn’t trying to make me feel guilty. It’s just—Vaughn wears his feelings right there on his face. He knows he can’t lie to me, and I’m not sure he would even if he could. “I’m not leaving you behind. You’re going too.”

“But not to the same school,” he points out. “You purposely chose a different school than me. Knowing I’m locked into State.”

He’s not wrong, and I know it hurts. I didn’t do it to hurt him, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” It feels like all I can really say. The only reason I’m sorry about the choice I made is because it makes him sad. I know in my gut it’s the right move for me. And maybe even for him in the long run. We may be just a bit too codependent. He needs to see he’ll be okay without me.

“I just want to make sure you’re totally sure. It’s not too late. You could change your mind.”

He’s killing me here. I can see the look on his face, him flat-out begging me to go to the same college, and honestly, it’s hard for me not to agree. Just to see that infectious smile again and tell him I’ll go to school with him, but I know I need to stay strong. It will hurt now, but in the long run, it’ll be so much better. “I can’t,” I say softly.

He stands up abruptly, walking away from me but spinning around to look over at me. “Because you want to date, right? And you think I’ll get in the way of that.”

Partially, yes, but it’s so much bigger than that. It takes everything in me not to blurt that out and to only slowly stand up instead of rushing over to him. “I want to date, sure.”

“You can date someone at State. It doesn’t have to be at KU.”

The two colleges are the biggest in the state, but they’re different. State is more agriculture. More like home. Conservative. KU, it’s different. “I think I may be more likely to find my type at KU.” I don’t want to make this all about dating because it isn’t. “I think the college just fits me better, Vaughn. I don’t want to become a veterinarian. I don’t want to study grain science.”

“You know there’s more than that there.” I do, but he doesn’t let me get in any more words. “And your type ? What’s your type? Like dating-wise... you can tell me.”

My heart squeezes so hard in my chest, I think I might pass out as I walk closer to him, only a foot apart. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. Tell me what you’re looking for.”

I smile at him sarcastically when I ask, “Why? Are you going to play matchmaker?”

“Maybe,” he says, finally smiling a little bit.

I throw my hands up and pace a little right in front of him. “I don’t know, Vaughn. Someone who hates sports and loves books.” He frowns now, and I continue, “Who maybe couldn’t bench press me.” A wrinkle forms between his brows. “Who loves coffee and doesn’t think it’s disgusting or taste like burn . I try to smile at him, knowing that last part was completely and totally on the nose, since he’s said it more times than I can count.

“You mean the total opposite of me.”

Yes. I close my eyes briefly and then stop moving as I meet his eyes. “I just need something different. I need new experiences. And so do you.”

He doesn’t look convinced at all, but he finally nods and then looks back over at the tent. “We should go to bed. Vanessa is going to be here early in the morning.” He seems resigned to the fact that I’m going to leave tomorrow, and I should feel relieved, but all I feel is dread.

Knowing tomorrow changes everything.

We put the fire out and then strip out of our jeans and shirts, climbing into the tent and into our own sleeping bags, lying side by side, facing each other. I can barely make him out in the dark night, but the moon is large enough tonight that I can make out his outline.

“You know, when you were describing your perfect guy, you were kind of describing yourself.”

I chuckle. “I mean, can you blame me? I’m a catch,” I try to joke, but he doesn’t laugh. His big hand reaches up and his fingers stroke over my cheek.

“You are. Don’t you ever forget it.”

I swallow hard, fighting back tears because I don’t want to be without him either. Even if I know it’s for the best, it’s gutting me just as badly as it is him, maybe even more.

“So are you.” I smile and reach up, moving my hand over his and giving it a squeeze. “Now quit your yapping so I can get some sleep.”

I can see his face moving into a smile, and we settle in, my head against his arm as he drifts off to sleep, but I don’t fall into a peaceful sleep.

I’m not ready for tomorrow to come.

Of course it does though. I see the sun coming up and wonder if I managed to get a full hour of sleep last night or not. My body is sore and aching from sleeping on the hard ground, but as I study my best friend’s beautiful face, there’s no part of me that regrets spending last night that way.

I slowly make my way out of the tent, grabbing my t-shirt and pulling it on because it’s chilly this morning without the sun being fully up. I find a spot to piss and then grab my toothbrush and quickly brush my teeth using a bottle of water to rinse, and when I get back, Vaughn is just now sitting up.

He looks rumpled by sleep, his hair sticking up all over the place and creases on his perfect face. He’s gorgeous. He’s not covered by the sleeping bag anymore, and I can see his perfect chest and abs, just right there for my viewing pleasure and so damn unfair because it’s look but don’t touch.

“Morning.” I have to look away before my dick tries to join in on our morning. “Vanessa text yet?”

“Yeah, she’s leaving soon.”

I nod, which gives us about fifteen minutes. “We should pack up.”

He agrees, and we both finish getting dressed and pack up the tent and supplies. Neither of us saying a word because what else is there to say? We’ve said it all. We’re sitting on the tailgate of my truck after, just waiting for Vanessa to show up, when I guess he decides to say one last thing. “Are you totally sure?”

I close my eyes on a laugh as I shake my head at his persistence. “You just don’t give up, do you?”

“Not when it comes to you. We can figure this out. You can come to school with me, and it’ll all be okay.” I can’t take this anymore. “I’ll help you find some adorable hipster who can barely lift his laptop while balancing coffee and a book in his hand. I’ll?—”

“Stop,” I say abruptly because he’s killing me. I stand up, unshed tears in my eyes, and look directly at him. “I can’t.”

“You can.” He stands there with me looming over him, but he’s not intimidated in the least. He doesn’t back down. “You just don’t want to.”

“Maybe I don’t,” I say, and he winces then, but I can’t keep doing this. It isn’t fair to either of us. “I don’t want to go to State. Okay? I said it. It’s out there now. Can we please just drop it?”

“No.” He stands up, getting into my space, his big body making me feel small, but I’m not scared of Vaughn—at least not physically. “We can’t just drop it. Tell me why. I know you’re keeping something else from me. I can feel it. I may be dumb, but I’m not that dumb.”

“You’re not fucking dumb at all,” I grit out, hating that he thinks of himself that way. “Please just drop it,” I say, the words actually painful.

“No.” He steps even closer to me, his hands going to my shoulders and holding on so I can’t escape. “Tell me.”

“You really want to know?” I look up into his soulful eyes, wearing every emotion he’s feeling. “You think it will make anything better? Because it won’t. It’ll make it worse.”

“No. It won’t. The truth is never wrong. Tell me, Austin. Tell me why you’re trying like hell to get away from me.”

“Because I’m in love with you!” I shout and then pull away from him, watching his body morph into frozen fear and shock because, of course, he’s surprised. He had no idea that’s how I felt about him, and I know I just made everything so much worse. Just like I said.

“Vaughn...” I place a careful hand on his shoulder, but he won’t look at me.

“You’re in love with me?” He says it with quiet wonder, looking down at the ground. “That’s why you don’t want to be near me?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to be around you at all. I’m not cutting you out of my life. I just need some...”—I try to be careful with my words because I’ve done enough damage—“distance.”

He slowly turns his head, and his eyes are watery as they meet mine. It’s a punch to the gut. I did that to him. I broke one of the happiest guys I know. I hurt him. “Distance.”

He says it quietly, and I feel a tear of my own slide down my cheek. “Just for a while. Maybe I’ll meet someone great, and I’ll decide this wasn’t actually love. Maybe my brain is just confusing the nicest, best guy I know and being in love.”

“And totally the hottest guy you know, right?” he says, a tiny little smile on his face.

I grin at that, another tear falling as I try to choke back a sob. “Yeah, and not at all modest.”

He smiles, and I watch his Adam’s apple bob with sorrow. “I’m so sorry, Austin. I didn’t know.”

“How could you know? I didn’t tell you, and I hid it as much as I could.”

“But...” he starts but is interrupted by the sound of tires on gravel, and we both turn to see Vanessa’s car coming down the path to the campsite.

I pull him into a hug. “Your ride’s here.”

He squeezes me back so tightly, I can barely breathe, but I don’t care at all. “Promise me, you won’t try to ditch me. That you’ll answer when I call, and we’ll see each other.” He pulls back but just enough to look into my eyes. “Promise me, or I won’t let you go.”

I smile, the emotions clogging my throat, and part of me wants to make him promise not to let me go either, but instead, I nod my head. “I promise. Go and be great, Montgomery.”

I wink at him, and he hugs me one last time before shoving me playfully away with a laugh. “That’s Vaughn to you.”

I smile. “Go be great, Vaughn.”

He looks like he’s going to cry, and I, for sure, know I will be as soon as he and Vanessa leave. But we manage to hang on until I give Vanessa and him a final hug, and then they drive off.

I know this is for the best.

I know this is right.

But goddamn, if it doesn’t still feel completely wrong too.