Page 16 of Double Dirty
“You didn’t do this alone. We’ll tell him together, Lexi. It’s okay. It was supposed to be like this, don’t you feel that? I don’t do this. I mean, I have sex and plenty of it. But I don’t get romantic. I don’t feel like this about anyone, not ever. Like I want to keep you.”
“I know we have to tell him, but this is on me. I wanted this. I stayed behind this morning so I could see you alone, see if you wanted me, too. I’ve never felt the way you made me feel this morning.”
“You act like you drugged me and took advantage, Lexi, and that’s not how it happened. I was wrecked coming off my shift. I found you here waiting for me. I wanted you instantly, body and soul. You comforted me, gave me the closeness I didn’t even know I needed. God, Lexi, I feel like I’m totally undone here. And you’re talking bullshit about how you ruined everything. Where is this even coming from?”
“Rafe is going to hate us. Hate me. Leo, we kissed the other night,” she said, shaking her head.
“I know, he told me. Listen, I don’t care about that,” I told her.
“You don’t?” she asked, disbelief thick in her voice.
“No, baby. I don’t. We agreed to let you choose and youchose me. I want you again and again. I want you moved into my room so I can reach out for you in the night. I want you falling asleep in my arms so I can watch over you and never let anyone hurt you again. You can’t know what it does to me that you trust me this much after all you’ve been through.”
I stopped short. I almost said it way too soon. It would be stupid and drive her away. She was already spooked. It wasn’t a good time to say I had feelings for her.
“Rafe is the best guy I know. He’s not going to kick you out or anything. He’ll understand. He’ll be upset, and he may kick my ass, but we’re family, the three of us. Don’t underestimate that. You haven’t had family before, but there’s a loyalty there, an understanding that our history together doesn’t let this be disposable. We won’t cut each other out, give up on a friendship like that.”
“You’re right. I don’t understand it. And you two have a history together, but I don’t.”
“He’d walk through fire for you, Lexi. We both would. Don’t sell yourself short here.”
“I don’t deserve it, Leo. Look at me.”
“I am looking at you. You’re everything,” I said, meaning every word.
8
Lexi
Ifeel like a total piece of trash. I was scared enough to move in with Rafe and Leo, to let them protect me. I played house with them, best friends and a happy family all rolled in to one. Then I screwed it up by kissing Rafe after my nightmare. We got past that, just barely, and I brought in disaster. I slept with Leo when he was hurting because I was lonely and scared and wanted to be touched and held by someone I cared about, someone who cared about me.
I’d never had that before. I’d had sex, sure, but not like that. I was afraid to face Rafe and tell him the truth, afraid to be rejected and kicked out like I had been all my life. Afraid that I’d come between two best friends. But I had to respect him and our relationship enough to tell the truth even if it cost me everything that mattered to me. I asked them both to have dinner with me at the house because we needed to talk.
Rafe came in with two bottles of wine after work. “So what’s with the family meeting? It sounded serious.” He kissed my cheek as he put down the wine.
I stirred the chicken and pasta I’d made, already steaming on the stove.
“That smells great. My mom never even cooked like that. Can I make a salad or anything?”
“You can get the biscuits out of the oven,” I said, turning away from him, away from the fact that I wanted to go into his arms and cry and beg forgiveness.
Leo came out of the bathroom in a towel and went to get dressed. I couldn’t look at him. I was ashamed of what I’d done, how I’d wrecked my own life and possibly even theirs.
A few minutes later, I put down the glass of wine Rafe had poured for me and served the food. We sat together, and I looked at them, so overwhelmed with a flood of regret. I could have had this sweet camaraderie, the friendship and protection of two extraordinary men, and I’d let my hormones run away with me.
“Guys,” I said, clearing my throat, taking a long drink. “I need to tell you both something. I’m moving out. Tomorrow.”
“What? No,” Leo said. “You don’t need to do that.”
“Yeah, I do. I screwed up. I took advantage. Rafe,” I turned to him, my heart twisting in my chest, “It’s almost like I set out to sabotage the best thing in my life. I owe you an apology. I know I kissed you after I had that nightmare, and that was over the line. I just wish it had stopped there. But this morning, when I stayed here to meet Leo after his shift—God, it’s hard to admit this. I waited for Leo. I took him to bed because I wanted to. Not because he was upset over the casualties from the wreck he’d just come from. I’ve been attracted to him from the beginning. But that’s not even the worst of it. I feel the same way about you. I’m so embarrassed to admit this, but you both deserve better fromme. Honesty is the least I owe you. I have feelings for you both. So that’s why I’m leaving.”
I swallowed hard, biting my lip and waiting for Rafe’s reaction.
He stared at me for a moment before speaking. “No way,” he said. “I mean, I can’t pretend I’m glad you slept with Leo, but I’m not surprised either. I always knew it would be one of us. There was no avoiding it. We were living in close quarters, both drawn to you. I wish it had been me, but I’m not going to kick you out over it. What about you? Do you want her to leave?” he asked Leo.
I drained my glass of wine and poured another, never taking my eyes off them. I felt like the verdict over my whole life was hanging in the balance. That called for a bucket of chardonnay. I noticed Rafe was hitting the bottle of red just as hard.
“Hell no. And I see where you’re coming from. I kind of thought it would be you, too. I was honestly surprised by it, but I’m not sorry it happened, bro. I hope you can forgive me because I might as well confess, if we’re admitting all our sins here, that I caught feelings.”