Page 11 of Double Dirty

“I feel safe now,” I whispered, nestling against them both. Leo had my legs across his lap, I realized, “you guys make a great bed.”

“Lexi, you need a nap. I’m going to put you in my bed. Is that okay?” Rafe said.

I nodded, felt him lift me again and carry me someplace. I was laid down on a soft bed, the smell of fabric softener like a summer breeze all around me. I curled up gratefully, a sheet pulled over me. Just as I started to drift off, I heard myself whimper. “Don’t leave me alone, please.” I sniffed, but tears were coming already.

“Shit, she’s crying,” I heard Leo say.

The mattress gave under the weight of someone sitting down. I knew it was Rafe pulling me up into his arms. I clung to him, crying. Leo joined us, rubbing my back and stroking my hair soothingly.

“We’re right here, Lexi. Nothing’s going to happen to you. You’re with us now. Nobody’s gonna lay a hand on you,” he said into my hair.

“He’s right. We’ve got you. You’re okay. Here, let metake that jacket off you,” Leo said. I unzipped it myself and he helped me pull it off.

“Motherfucker,” Rafe said, when he saw the bruises on my throat, the ones on my arms as well.

He touched my neck with his fingertips so lightly, but I still shuddered. He leaned close to inspect the marks. I felt myself shaking. Then I felt his lips, soft against my skin, brushing the bruises, leaving the faintest trace of wetness on my throat. I felt a bright jolt of pleasure followed by a tidal wave of guilt. He’d kissed my neck the way you’d kiss someone’s scraped knee or bruised elbow, and I got some kind of sexual charge out of it. It had sent a wave of warmth rolling down my belly. My nipples tightened, my teeth going into my bottom lip.

Leo dropped my jacket, his hands stroking my upper arms where I was bruised. He sat behind me, drew me back against his chest and held me. I rested against him, trying to calm myself from the touch of Rafe’s mouth on my skin. I was privately disturbed that I wanted him. I wanted Rafe, wanted to be in his big bed with him, stripped bare and welcoming his hands and his mouth on every inch of me.

Then Leo took my hand between both of his, matching up our fingers and aligning our palms, his hands bigger than mine. I could shut my eyes and imagine his hands all over me, those big hands moving down over my stomach and sliding beneath the waistband of my shorts. I shook myself. I was having dirty thoughts about my friends, my best friends, who were trying to protect me and take care of me. I was awful for even thinking of such things. I shouldn’t want them, shouldn’t crave that kind of connection with them.

Rafe and Leo were like brothers to one another almost, lifelong friends. I would never do anything to come between them, to hurt either of them. I resolved to stop thinking ofeither of them that way, to resist any stray impulse I felt toward the guys. I was grateful to them. It wouldn’t be more than that. If my body tried to respond, I’d shut it down without mercy. I’d think anything to get my mind back on solid ground.

But, God, it just felt so good to be held and touched. I wasn’t used to any kind of affection. My body wasn’t wired to understand nurturing and fondness, and I had to teach it to calm down, to be friends with no benefits.

“You could move in here,” Rafe’s voice startled me out of my reverie.

“You totally could. We’ve got room. And you wouldn’t be alone. You’d be with us, and you wouldn’t have to stare at the door,” Leo said.

I gaped at them. I couldn’t quite compute what they were saying. I didn’t need a babysitter, and I had a place of my own. I had even put in a new deadbolt without any help. I was perfectly able to take care of myself. I tried to put it into words.

“I know you’ve only known me for a few weeks, but Rafe here has been your self-defense teacher for what, a month and a half? And you’ve spent a lot of time with him. You know he’s safe, and even though you might be a little nervous about the temptation of living in close quarters with me, knowing how I look and that you might run into me in nothing but a towel after my shower, I assure you, any impure thoughts you might have about me are entirely normal and forgivable,” Leo said, trying to put me at ease.

I just stared at him and tried really hard not to laugh. I knew he was joking. I also knew that what they were offering made sense for the time being. Even in the short time I’d known them, I had come to rely on their friendship. I was really comfortable with both of them, and I’d spenttime hanging out at their place enough to know that they were exactly what they seemed—best friends who shared the rent and the refrigerator and liked hanging out together. I trusted them completely. That wasn’t an issue at all. Agreeing to depend on them, to let them take care of me was the problem.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea for me. It’s really generous of you both, and I appreciate the offer more than I can say, but it won’t work. Thank you, though,” I said, struggling to sit up on the bed away from Leo’s arms and chest.

“Why won’t it work?” Rafe asked. “It could be temporary if that’s what you prefer—to keep your independence or your privacy or whatever. Look, there’s a guest room. It’s full of boxes. We can put a lock on it for you. You’d have the key. We’re not trying to lure you into our secret sex dungeon or anything,” Rafe said, trying to make light of it. But Rafe was too serious for that, too sincere. I saw that he was really confused as to why I said no.

“We won’t threaten your dates or give them a hard time,” Leo said. “And if you decide to do it in the shower, just hang some panties on the door so we don’t interrupt.”

“I’m not dating anyone,” I stammered.

“Well, I hope not. Because if you were and he had let you stay home alone after that attack we’d have to go kick his ass to the curb for you,” Rafe said. “But what Leo said is true. We won’t get in the way of your personal life. Just let us keep you safe. Keep watch over you so you’re not alone until everything with Watts is resolved. It was him wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. I went to his trailer. He got mad because he’d told me never to come back unless I was returning his daughter. I ignored that and went for my scheduled visit to talk to him about showing up for his parenting classesand stuff. His eyes were really dark, like the pupils were too big. I was ready in a way, like I went over the stuff you’d taught me, Rafe. I pointed my car out toward the road, and I had my keys on me. I even got out of the choke hold. I ducked my head straight down—”I broke off crying.

Rafe gathered me in his arms and held me. He rocked back and forth, shushing me softly. I knotted my fingers in his shirt, slowly calming down.

“Come here,” Leo said. I looked up from Rafe and went across the bed into Leo’s open arms. He hugged me, kissed the top of my head. “I’m going to let you take a nap and think it over. I’d stay in here and hold you, but I know you wouldn’t be able to resist, and you’d try to seduce me. So don’t make it weird. I’ll see you when you get up,” he said. I gave him a watery grin. “There’s that smile, Lexi. We care about you. Just let us take care of you for a while, okay?”

I shook my head, didn’t turn to watch him leave. I was alone with Rafe, the strongest, safest person I knew. I turned back to him, threw my arms around his neck.

“I don’t know what to do. I can take care of myself. I always have. I don’t need anyone to watch out for me. But I don’t want to hurt your feelings when you’ve been so good to me,” I admitted, “It’s just—no one’s ever wanted me wanted me around. Not even when I was a kid.”

“You’re wanted here, by us. We both like having you around. You know Leo’s full of shit, and he would never in a million years do anything to make you uncomfortable. Neither would I. We just want to take care of you, protect you. You’ve got this scrape on your face that’s the least of your injuries—and I can’t stand it. Come here,” Rafe said.

He brushed his thumb over the scrape on my cheek, kissed it softly. “I want to take away everything that hurtsyou. Starting with the idea that you’re not wanted. I want you here.Wewant you. So let us do this.”