Page 57 of Conquered (Highgate Preparatory Academ:y Compendium)
“Your sisters are lovely,” I say, glancing at him from the corner of my eye, my heart beating so fast I’m afraid it’ll burst out of my chest.
It’s agony sitting so close to him, yet it’s like a huge chasm lies between us. I can see he has a death grip on the steering wheel, his knuckles white, and his forearms corded.
Even in anger, he's so fucking beautiful it takes my breath away. And then I remember what he's done, the blood he's spilt, and I feel sick, glad I didn't eat any breakfast.
He says nothing, doesn't even acknowledge that I've spoken, just clenches his jaw so tightly that I'm surprised his teeth don't crack.
We stay that way for the rest of the drive, sitting in complete silence, my heart hurting so much I can barely suppress the tears that threaten to fall.
LOKI
I watch, my chest heaving, as the light leaves his chocolate eyes, a dribble of dark burgundy oozing between them.
Smoke from the barrel of my gun rises up and obscures the sight of his broken body, adding to the feeling of a soul rising to the heavens.
Of a soul finally being at peace. A peace I’m beginning to ache for.
Except for the ringing in my ears, for the first time tonight, there's a beautiful cathartic silence. Lost in thoughts of taking flight, of freedom from this life, I startle with a gasp when a hand lands on my shoulder.
I look up to see Ash’s pain filled eyes, my hands dropping at my side, the gun still locked in my grip.
He's started doing what he can to protect us from all this shit, even though I can see it tormenting his soul.
The darkness is slowly eating him from the inside out, and soon nothing will stop him, us, from becoming the monsters that they've started training us to be.
I hear a thunderous clap mocking the peaceful silence, and I look up to see my father gliding from his seat in the corner, striding closer to me, a look of pride on his face. A warmth runs through me at the look of approval and I suddenly feel sick.
“I'm impressed, son,” he says in his gravelly voice.
“To be honest, I didn't think you had it in you.” He laughs cruelly, clapping me on the back.
“I'd even considered having to train up one of your sisters when the time came, but a shot right in the middle of his forehead! Beautifully done.” He's smiling at me, and I think it might be the first time that he has smiled at me and spoken nicely to me my whole life.
“Good work, boys,” Julian Vanderbilt says, before turning on his heel and going towards the basement stairs, the other three men following behind like loyal sheep.
“What do we do with…” Ash asks his back, indicating the body.
Julian pauses. “I expect you to clean up your own mess. Take out this trash, and do it right. If there is any evidence left...there will be consequences,” he tells us sharply, his eyes cutting before heading up the stairs with the rest of them.
I'm still holding the gun, my hand shaking slightly. My head whips up when I hear Kai's groan. Jax has stripped his shirt off, pressing it to the bleeding wound in Kai’s shoulder, Luc standing there helping him apply pressure.
My eyes flit back to the dead man in the chair in front of me. I feel a sense of relief that it's done. That he's free from pain. That I was the one to free him. Then I remember that he's someone’s father, husband, or brother. Bile rises up my throat, my knees go weak, and I stumble forward.
Ash catches me, and when I look up at him, I can see the mantle that settles on his shoulders. He’s the oldest of us all, yet still only fourteen. Ghosts haunt his eyes, and his responsibilities age him, making him seem so much older.
“Jax, Luc, help Kai upstairs and call our doctor. Wait with him, and make sure he understands the term confidentiality,” he orders, and they both start helping Kai up.
His grey gaze turns down to me. “Loki. Give me the gun.” I automatically snap to his command, my hand holding it out to him before my brain registers the movement.
He takes it, then goes over to the shelving on the back wall, and picks up a bottle of spray. I see the words ‘DNA safe’ on the front. Ash sprays the gun fully, then places it in a zip-lock plastic bag which he seals after.
“Ash…” I croak out, my voice sounds far away like I'm miles from this cursed basement. “What about…”
I can't bring myself to finish the sentence. Ash knows what I'm referring to, his hard eyes looking past me to the guy in the chair.
“We need a clean up crew…” he says, thinking aloud, biting his bottom lip.
“I’ve overheard my dad talking about his crew once…” Jax suggests, pausing at the base of the stairs.
“No, we need our own,” Ash responds firmly. “We can’t leave it to chance with those cunts.” We know who he's referring to. Our fathers, Kai's uncle.
“I could call Enzo from the gym?” Jax asks. Enzo runs the boxing gym downtown. It's rough, but clean, and Enzo has been more of a father to Jax, to all of us, than ours will ever be. We trust him with our lives.
Ash thinks for a moment, then nods.
We hear Kai's sharp inhale as they head up the stairs. I'm still standing there, feeling a sense of unreality, the whole room in hyper focus. Like, this can't be actually happening. I can't have just shot a guy after we beat him to a bloody pulp.
“Hey,” Ash says gently, and I look up. “Loki, I'm...shit...what a fucking birthday,” he says, his grey eyes full of concern.
Yep. Happy fucking fourteenth.
I wake up with a jolt, gasping and covered in sweat from the nightmare. Only, is it still classed as a nightmare if it's a memory? I don't fucking know.
I lay there in Kai's bed, trying to breathe normally, when a feminine scream rents the air in two, making my heartbeat skyrocket again.
Kai sits up with a start, rubbing his eyes before reaching over and putting his glasses on. We then hear the soul destroying sobs, and my heart shatters into thousands of sharp, tiny pieces.
“I don't know how much longer I can take this,” I say into the dark, my voice breaking. I feel on the verge of tears myself.
“Me either,” Kai says back, his own voice desolate.
The sobs subside to whimpers, then eventually stop.
“When she hurts, I hurt, Kai,” I say softly, just above a whisper.
Sometimes it's easier to say things in the dark, even if it's to someone you've known your whole life. My hand rubs at my chest, trying to ease the dull ache inside.
“I know. Me too,” he confides back and lays his head on my shoulder seeking comfort. We sit there for a time, in our shared pain.
“I had another nightmare,” I admit into the silence.
“The cabin?” he asks gently.
Although we told Lilly about that night, she doesn't know the full truth.
She doesn't know that she's been my light, chasing away the demons that have tried to consume me ever since my fourteenth birthday.
She blazed into our lives with her quirky humor, sharp tongue, and beauty, both inside and out.
Before her, Kai was there. Every time I was plagued by my doubts, and the devils reared their ugly heads, he was there.
This guilt, this dark depression claws at me like a parasite.
Anytime I feel it crawling under my skin, he helps me.
He knows that there are worse ways I could try to drown them. Have tried to drown them.
“Yep,” I say, reaching for my phone that’s on the bedside cabinet, scrolling through my playlists until I find the song I'm looking for.
Demons (Philosophical Session) by Jacob Lee sounds over the Bluetooth speakers in Kai's room, and a breath of relief eases through me.
“Loki…” Kai says, his voice pained.
I know he thinks that this isn't healthy, but it's the only way I know how to stop the pain, the guilt from eating me alive. Other than having Lilly by my side.
“Please, Kai. I need you to,” I beg, looking into his eyes imploringly. My mind starts to panic, my thoughts tortured. He knows my struggles and knows how to quiet them.
“Fine,” he sighs, turning away from me and switching on the bedside light.
He gets out of bed, his back to me, that wonderful Koi tattoo looking alive in the dim light. Going over to a cupboard that's up against a wall, he uses a small key to unlock it, opening the doors to reveal an array of whips, paddles, and restraints.
He takes out a pair of thick leather cuffs and a red and black leather flogger. My breath hitches at the sight, it's a favourite of mine. I already feel the heady anticipation of escape that it'll bring me.
Standing up, I walk around to the end of the four poster bed and hold my wrists out.
As I'm just in a pair of boxer briefs, there’s no need to strip above the waist. Kai slowly comes over to me, buckling the cuffs onto my wrists one at a time.
There's a chain that links them, which he takes and places onto a hook in the frame of his bed so that my hands are held aloft and my back exposed to him.
“I'm going to strike you five times, Loki,” he tells me, his voice husky and low. My dick twitches as it always does, but there isn't going to be a release of that kind for me tonight. This will be something so much sweeter.
Although we've been doing this same thing for years, it's never gone further than the liberation I find in being punished.
I know Kai gets hard while giving out the lashes, and I get hard receiving them, but we've just never gone there.
We're not into each other in that way, although I wouldn't be objectionable if it would turn Lilly on…
My thoughts fly out of my mind, a gasp leaving my lips as the first hit strikes. It sends sweet agony across my back, never deep enough to break the skin, but enough to chase those demons back to Hell.
The second strike hits before I've taken a full inhale, then the third, fourth, and fifth, until I'm shaking and panting.
I smile as my mind is finally quiet, finally free. I feel Kai come over, gently caressing my back.
“Better?” he whispers next to my ear. I shiver as his breath tickles me.
“Yes,” I say simply.
He unhooks my hands, the blood rushing to my fingers and making them tingle. Gently, he unbuckles each cuff, then takes them and the flogger back to the cupboard.
I stand there, my chest rising and falling, basking in the glow that the pain has bought me. The deliverance it has given me. I close my eyes and smile, the demons finally quiet, my thoughts blessedly still.