Page 54 of Conquered (Highgate Preparatory Academ:y Compendium)
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
LILLY
T he next few days pass by in a blur of messing round with the guys in the pool and hot tub, watching movies, and playing card games, which I officially suck at.
I also have some epic Disney marathons with Loki’s sisters, which are made funnier by the guys joining us, then getting told off for groaning at the admittedly ridiculous princes.
It is the early hours of Thursday morning, and I wake up in a cold sweat, shaking with a bone deep fear. Red ribbons twirl round my mind as I sit up, and looking round, I notice that the bed is cold and empty.
That explains the nightmare then , I think, rubbing my eyes with trembling hands.
Before arriving at Highgate, I couldn't go a night without waking up screaming, visions of drowning in a sea of blood swirling in my mind, and a soul destroying terror taking root in my heart.
Apart from one night, when the guys were away and Loki woke me up from my nightmare, I've not slept by myself without Loki or Jax by my side, since arriving.
I'd be a fucking idiot not to make the connection between that and my dreams coming back to haunt me.
Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I scoop up a huge black t-shirt from the floor, slipping it on over my naked body.
I'm engulfed in the warm citrus scent of Jax as it falls all round me, ending at mid-thigh. The guy is seriously big, and wearing his clothes is like a comforting hug, and I can’t help wrapping my arms round myself, even though the heating is obviously on as the air is warm.
I head to the door, planning to go downstairs and find the guys, there's no way I'm getting back to sleep without one of them holding me close. I'd be scared of that, of how dependent it feels, but I promised myself a fresh start. A new me. And I refuse to be scared of these feelings.
I pad down the stairs on bare feet, intending to make my way to the basement, when I see light coming from one of the sitting rooms. I can hear Devil Like Me by Akine playing softly, the lyrics haunting and my heartbeat becomes sluggish with a sense of dread as I creep closer and peer round the doorway.
I see Loki, Ash, and Kai sitting there, dressed head to toe in black and all sporting glasses filled with amber liquid.
What the…
They're just sitting there, not speaking, and there's such an air of desolation about them, their gazes vacant, that I can feel my chest begin to tighten and chills run down my spine, making me shiver.
Ash is staring into his glass like it holds all the answers. His beautiful brow is marred with a frown, his lips pursed. He looks so cold, like all of the humanity inside him is gone, and has been replaced with something dead and unfeeling.
My gaze flits over to Loki, who has a look of such self-loathing on his angelic face that I take an involuntary step forward, my hand reaching out, feeling the overwhelming need to erase the pain, and see his beautiful smile.
He swirls his liquor round and round in his glass, lost in his own clearly hellish thoughts.
Kai is harder to read, his glasses reflecting the lamplight and hiding his honeyed eyes. His grip on his glass is tight, knuckles white. Like Ash, he looks detached, like he's not really here and his brow is deeply furrowed.
“Did we wake you?” I hear the deep rumble of Jax behind me, and I spin round, my heart pounding.
“I–I had a bad dream,” I stammer out, suddenly nervous at being caught spying.
I look him over, taking in his all black attire, which is not unusual for Jax, but something just feels off.
“Why were you not...” I begin to ask, but come to an abrupt stop as I suddenly notice his hands.
He holds them by his side, but in the low light, I can see that his knuckles are split and bleeding.
He tries to hide them behind his back, but I lurch forward, grabbing one to inspect, wincing at the sight of how raw they look.
“Jax! What on earth happened to your hands?” I gasp. “What's going on, Jax?” I ask, my eyes boring into his blue ones. Sharp butterflies take flight in my stomach when he remains silent, not even flinching at my touch on his bleeding knuckles.
He sighs heavily, looking heavenward, then indicates the sitting room with a nod. “You better come in, I guess,” he grumbles out, and I drop his hand as he moves past me into the room with the others.
I hesitate a beat, knowing that whatever I discover beyond the doorway will change things irrecoverably. I take a deep inhale, heart pounding, and step forward.
The others look up as I walk in, a range of emotions flashing across their faces.
Kai looks dismayed, and he sighs, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger.
Loki's gaze is filled with horror, his eyes wide, like this is his worst nightmare come true.
And Ash. Ash has a look of sad resignation on his face, his jaw sharp and hard, yet his eyes burn with a rage so bright, it makes me stall.
“What's going on?” I ask them, panic clawing at the edges of my vision. I start to sweat, and fear sizzles down my spine in a white hot line. I look directly into Ash's grey eyes, staring down his rage.
“Whatever it is, I can handle it,” I assure him, lifting my chin and reminding him of my promise the other day, even though I'm quivering inside. “Whatever it is, it can't be that bad.”
Still, no one answers me. They all look as though they’re awaiting their fate at the gallows.
“Did you get into a fight?” I ask, looking round, but none of them will meet my gaze, and that fact alone turns my skin clammy and makes my stomach churn.
“You're making me nervous with the silence. What’s going on?” I ask again. I'm shaking with the spine tingling terror that this is bad. Really fucking bad.
“What if I told you we'd hurt someone tonight,” Ash finally says back, voice devoid of all emotion, yet his steel grey eyes are seething and roiling. I hear Loki curse in the background and a glass smash, but I can't tear my eyes away from Ash’s hateful gaze.
My heart stops. I feel my stomach plummet, like I've just come down a rollercoaster, and black dots dance at the edge of my vision. “W–what?” I whisper, voice shaking yet unable to look away from him. “Why?”
He stands up, his body radiating barely controlled violence, trembles racking his frame.
“I told you we were fucked up. I warned you we were bad people, destined for Hell. What the fuck did you think I meant?” he scathingly asks, his eyes are so cold, I feel hurt at his words as tears spring to my own, unbidden.
“It's what we do, Princess,” he spits, panting and more out of control than I've ever seen him before.
His hair is out of place, sticking up like he's been running his hands through it constantly. His eyes are wild, pupils blown so that only a sliver of mercury shows. My desire to see him lose his rigid control comes back to haunt me. This is not what I wanted. Not at all.
“Loki and I interrogate and question the targets. When they don’t tell us what we want to know, which they never fucking do, we hold them down, and Jax beats the ever loving shit out of them.
Kai, being the tech genius that he is, destroys their lives, leaving child porn on their laptops, and emptying their bank accounts. ”
His chest is rising and falling, he's breathing so hard, taking in ragged gasps, it’s like he’s just run a marathon. He's standing so close to me that I can see his pulse jumping in his throat, his hands clenching and unclenching by his sides.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Ash!” I hear Loki exclaim, but my attention is all on the inked up bastard in front of me, and what he's saying. I can't look away, however much I wish I could.
“Why?” I choke out. “Why do you do it?”
I'm shaking, my body cold, and my mind full of so many emotions that I can't even begin to untangle them. They're like a hurricane inside me, twisting and swirling, ripping me apart. And they’re the colour of red ribbons trying to pull me back into memories that I can’t face right now.
“We have no choice,” Kai whispers. His voice is so low I almost miss what he says. My head turns in his direction, taking him in my wild gaze.
“Not good enough,” I snap, roaring anger sweeping everything else away. “There's always a fucking choice, Kai!” I practically scream, images flashing across my vision of me leaving the kitchen that day, in a fit of pathetic anger, only to come home later and find my life irrevocably changed.
The song has changed to Empty Crown by Yas, the beat hitting me in the gut as the desperate lyrics wash over me. It's too much with what's happening right now, the words too poignant, that I snap, throwing my arms out. “Can someone turn the fucking music off!”
“Hey, Pretty Girl,” I hear Loki say gently, reaching out to touch me.
I instinctively jerk back, regretting the move instantly as I see the desolate look in his emerald eyes. My heart cracks, yet I don't step closer, I can’t with the past and present blurring right now, and his hand drops to his side, breaking me a little more.
“Just tell me why?” I sob, tears making hot tracks down my cheeks at the thought that these boys are capable of such brutality. Have maybe hurt people like my mum was hurt before death claimed her that day.
My eyes look round frantically, then finally settling back on Ash. His gaze softens a fraction, although it feels like he's preparing for a blow as he almost cringes.
“Princess…” he starts, looking suddenly bone weary, his whole torso caving in as his shoulders round. “It's too dangerous for you to know everything,” he says pleadingly, scrubbing his hands over his face and leaving his usually pristine hair in even further disarray.
“Tell me,” I demand, standing straighter even though every fibre of my body is shaking. “Please, Ash. Just tell me what is going on.”