Page 32 of Coming Clean

Connor

I jerked awake. Someone was banging on my door.

Recon training had given me the ability to go from sound asleep to fully awake in less than a second.

I glanced at the clock. Nine AM? I never slept that late.

What time had I fallen asleep? I remembered seeing the clock say four as I lay in bed praying for sleep to come.

The banging didn’t stop. Whoever was at the door wasn’t going away. Jeremy? A glimmer of hope warred with a prayer that I wouldn’t have to face him. I yanked on a pair of shorts and went to see who it was.

“Connor, I know you’re in there,” Sabrina called before I made it across the living room.

“I’m coming!” I hadn’t really wanted it to be Jeremy, had I? If not, why did I feel so weighed down with disappointment? The minute I opened the door, Sabrina charged in.

“Why weren’t you answering your phone?” she demanded.

I’d turned the ringer off after Jeremy had called and texted me, and I’d never turned it back on. “I was sleeping.”

“Bullshit, you never sleep that hard.”

“I didn’t want to talk to anyone.”

She scowled at me, and I waited for her to start in on me about Jeremy, but she surprised me by saying, “Why the fuck does my brother think I told you to call him on my behalf? He said you told him I wanted him to call more often. And he’s sure I put you up to it.”

I rubbed a hand over my head. This was almost as bad as talking about Jeremy. “I did say you’d like him to call more often, but I also told him you had no idea I was calling.”

“Why the fuck did you tell him that?” Sabrina’s eyes were dark with anger, her cheeks flushed. She looked ready to jump me and, Marine or not, I took a step back.

“Because I?—”

“Didn’t want to tell him the real reason for your call?”

A massive headache began to build in the center of my forehead. “You don’t understand.”

“I understand all right. I understand that you chickened out.”

I’d hit men for saying that to me, but I loved Sabrina, and she was trying to help me. “I froze, okay? I fucking froze. I tried to spit the words out, but I couldn’t, so I let myself warm up by talking about other things?—”

“Like me.”

I sighed. “Yeah, like you. Then Mario told me about these two guys from another recon team that was stationed with us. They were caught having sex in the XO’s office.”

Sabrina’s eyes went wide. “Are you kidding me?”

I shook my head. “No. I don’t know what they were thinking doing something that insane.”

“Did you know them?”

“Yeah, I did.” I wasn’t going to elaborate. Sabrina didn’t need to know how well I was acquainted with them. “Do you know what Mario said about them?”

She sniffed. “I can imagine.”

“As far as he’s concerned, all the good they did has been erased because they’re gay.”

“They’re also stupid, but I know that’s not the point.”

“No, it’s not.” If only Mario could focus on the idiocy of what Fargo and Cousta had done rather than the fact that they were with each other.

“Connor, you can’t live your life by my brother’s rules.”

She still didn’t get it. “I want to save him, to get him out, to help him remember the man he used to be.”

Sabrina’s expression softened. “Tell me about this man.”

“He was caring and patient. He had a vision of what the world should be like. He cared.”

Sabrina didn’t look convinced. “Did he care about us gays and lesbos?”

“He’s always been a prejudiced shit, but he didn’t used to be so angry.”

“I know he’s lost himself, and I want to save him too, but I’m not going to live my life for him. I wish you wouldn’t either.”

“Once I tell him I’m gay, he’s never going to listen to me again. He was grossed out that he’d ever worked with those guys. He said they weren’t the men he’d thought they were. I tried to defend them, but?—”

“He said I’d filled your head with my bullshit. I know, he told me.”

“Sabrina, I’m sorry I involved you in this.”

She sighed. “It’s not your fault, but for your own sake, you need to call my brother and tell him. You shouldn’t put it off anymore.”

I shook my head, pressed my lips together, and hoped I wasn’t going to cry for the second time in two days. “There’s no point now.”

“What do you mean?” Sabrina asked, a look of horror on her face.

“I fucked up. It’s over between me and Jeremy.” I wasn’t sure how I’d spoken those words without breaking down. I needed Sabrina to leave. I couldn’t hold myself together much longer.

“Why? Not because you wouldn’t come out? You went to the awards banquet.”

“Yeah, I did.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice.

“Jeremy fucked up by not telling you about the job offer. I told him he needed to do some serious groveling, but his mistake shouldn’t be a deal breaker.”

“Lying isn’t a deal breaker? Then what is?” I knew it was wrong to pretend Jeremy was solely to blame for things falling apart but I couldn’t bring myself to tell Sabrina what I’d done.

She glared at me. “He did not lie to you.”

I wanted to argue, but I couldn’t, especially when I remembered I’d lied to him about talking to Mario. Fuck. “What difference does it make if we end things now or when he moves?”

Sabrina narrowed her eyes. “Did he tell you he’s taking the job?”

“No.” Dammit, why did she always see through my smoke screens?

“Then maybe you should talk to him about it.”

“I did.”

Sabrina’s raised brows made her disbelief clear. “Did you really talk and try to understand his perspective?”

“What’s to understand? I fell in love with him, and he doesn’t even care enough about me to tell me about a major life decision.” Heat rose in my face when I realized what I’d said. “I… Oh, fuck.” I turned away, my stomach flip-flopping. Why had I let Sabrina know how pathetic I really was?

She squeezed my shoulder. “Have you considered that maybe Jeremy was scared?”

I shook my head, not trusting my voice to work around the lump that had formed in my throat.

Sabrina massaged my shoulders. I hadn’t realized how tight I was. “Maybe he’s not sure how you feel. For some reason, I doubt you’ve told him what you just told me.”

“Of course, I haven’t fucking told him.” Apparently, my voice worked after all.

“No, why would you do something so silly as admit you really care so that he can stop being afraid you’re going to panic and walk away?”

“Walk away? I wasn’t….” I stared at Sabrina. “You really think he thought that?”

“He’s put pressure on you to come out, coaxed you into watching Shakespeare plays, going to faculty awards banquets, and no telling what else. Of course he’s scared you’ll decide he’s not what you want.”

“That’s ridiculous.” How could Jeremy—or anyone—think I wouldn’t want him?

“David said?—”

“Fuck David.”

Sabrina laughed. “He’d like that, but he knows there’s no chance.”

I sighed. “Jeremy has a right to want to have a relationship that doesn’t involve sneaking around or never leaving the house. Everyone does.”

“Including you,” she pointed out.

If only it were as simple as that. “I thought so. Now, I’m not so sure.”

“Call my brother. Today. Do not put it off anymore.”

I turned to face her, anger pulsing through me. “How can I help him if he won’t talk to me anymore?”

She wasn’t daunted by me yelling at her. She gave it right back. “How can you help Mario if you can’t heal yourself?”

“I don’t—” I cut myself off. Saying I didn’t need healing was absurd. I knew that and so did Sabrina.

“Connor, you have to stop living for him.”

If only I could make her understand. “I’m alive because of him.”

“And he’s alive because of you, but you don’t see him changing for you. He wouldn’t come home when you begged him.”

“That’s not the same. He’s just…” It wasn’t the same, was it?

“Call him.”

I blew out a long breath. “I’ll think about it.”

She dug through the small purse slung across her body. She searched through a stack of cards and handed me one.

“When you’ve talked to him, call Larissa.”

I looked at the card. “I told you I don’t want to see a therapist.”

Sabrina snorted. “And you call Mario stubborn.”

“It’s not stubbornness.”

“It is too. Neither one of you wants help.”

No, it wasn’t. I was just being realistic. “I tried this kind of help.”

“Finding the right therapist isn’t easy.”

“And you think your friend is right for me?”

“If she’s not, she’ll help you find someone who is.” Sabrina folded my hand closed around the card. “Just think about it. Please.”

Could I try again? For Jeremy I might have, but now…

“Do this for you,” she said as if she’d read my mind.

“I’ll think about it.” That was the best I could promise.

Jeremy

“I told you to tell him,” David huffed, leaning against the kitchen counter and glaring at me.

I brought the knife down hard through an apple I was chopping. I needed pie. I needed to roll out dough and make it come together because I could control that, unlike the storm churning inside me—the one David was doing nothing to calm. “You’re blaming me?”

David simply stared until I looked away.

“Fine. I fucked up, but he?—”

“Hurt you right back. Sure he did.”

“Wait. Are you defending him?” It was bad enough David wasn’t coddling me. Now he was taking Connor’s side?

“He cares for you,” David said.

“But you told me that was impossible, that he’d never fall for me.”

“No, I said it was improbable. That’s hardly the same thing.” The bastard had the nerve to grin.

“Close enough,” I grumbled.

“The difference can be the deciding factor in court. Don’t knock it.”

“You told me not to plan my life around Connor.”

“Right, but telling him you have a job offer and making your decision based on what he thinks of it are not the same thing.”

I hated that David was right and that I could never win an argument with him. Fucking lawyer. “What the fuck am I supposed to do now?”

“What do you want to do?” he asked.

“Run away.”

“So, take the job.”

I sighed. “I tried and it didn’t work.”

David frowned. “What do you mean? Did they change their mind or something? Can they do that?”