Page 30 of Coming Clean

Jeremy

S everal minutes later, I parked near Connor’s apartment.

I didn’t get out of the car right away. Instead, I laid my forehead against the steering wheel and took a deep breath.

I could do this. I could face Connor’s anger, own up to hurting him, and somehow—please let me figure out how—make things at least a little better.

I opened my door and stood. One foot in front of the other, step by step, I covered the distance to Connor’s door. My hand shook as I lifted it to knock.

No answer. What if he refused to come to the door?

I knocked again. “Connor, it’s me. Please let me in.” What would the neighbors think? It didn’t matter. Only seeing Connor mattered.

Nothing. Not a sound. His truck was in the lot, but maybe he’d walked somewhere else. Maybe he was with another man right now. Maybe there was another guy in there getting a taste of what was mine. Fuck no!

Wait, when did I start thinking of Connor as mine?

The day I saw him.

I knocked again. “Connor!”

Footsteps. Finally. The lock clicked and Connor opened the door.

He looked amazing. He’d been gorgeous in his dress clothes, but now he stood before me in a ratty USMC t-shirt and tiny gym shorts that showed off his thick thighs.

He was everything a military fantasy was meant to be.

I wanted to go down on my knees, kiss those lightly furred muscles, rip off those tantalizing shorts…

“You here to stare or do you have something to say?” His tone was ice cold.

“I’m sorry.”

He gave a curt nod. “That’s a start.”

“Can I come in?”

He studied me for a few seconds, then stepped back without saying more.

I entered. I hadn’t thought he would forgive me instantly, but I had expected him to be angry, not cold and distant.

“I should have told you.” I wasn’t going to defend my actions. I’d been an idiot.

“That you’re leaving?” At least the ice had melted enough for sarcasm.

“I’m not?—”

“Show me the courtesy of being honest.” Now his eyes showed the anger I’d expected. He was not going to give an inch.

“I haven’t decided what to do. That’s why I didn’t say anything to you. I realize now that I made the wrong choice. I told myself I didn’t want to worry you, but actually, I was afraid.”

“That I’d try to hold you back?”

“No.” Afraid I’d stay, and you’d leave me . “Fuck, I screwed this up.”

“I wouldn’t have tried to make you turn it down.” The pain in his voice crushed me. I wasn’t sure I could keep going. But I had to. I couldn’t give up now.

“I never thought you would. I swear.” I’d been far more worried about the opposite—that he’d insist I take the opportunity.

“David knew, didn’t he?”

Was that the real issue? “I hadn’t even met you when I applied for the job.”

“Is that a yes?”

I nodded. I shouldn’t have to justify myself for sharing something with my best friend. You wouldn’t have to if you’d just told Connor too. “I should have told you as soon as I received the offer, but I was going to tell?—”

“When? Once your bags were packed. Do you understand what I?—”

He turned away and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes.

Fuck! I could guess what he’d almost said. He’d pushed himself to come out for me.

He should have done it for himself.

But he did it for me.

He still hasn’t told Mario.

And why should he? Why should he do anything I asked when I treated him like I didn’t trust him? Instead of listening to the self-critical voice, I let anger build inside me. “You chose to go out with me. I didn’t force you.”

He turned to me, snarling. “Fuck that.”

I wished I could take the words back. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m all mixed up right now.”

“Are you honestly saying you’d have kept going out with me if I’d insisted we keep things secret, if I’d refused to go out in public?” He sounded so angry and the way he was looking at me now, like he hated me, made me sick inside.

“I don’t?—”

“I did what you wanted me to do. I let you set the rules, let you be in charge. I tried to be the man you wanted. And you couldn’t even let me know that it might have all been for nothing because you were leaving.”

Anger raced through me, heating me up and taking away all my good judgment. “For nothing? Seriously? Being honest about who you are is for nothing?”

“Maybe I just want to live in my world, not yours where people think I’m an idiot because I don’t have PhD after my name. If they had any fucking clue what I’d done in the Marines, what Marines are out there doing every fucking day?—”

“Wait. I’ve never thought?—”

“I’d like to believe that but whether you do or not, your friends do.”

“Which friends?” I was baffled. “Not David. He’s protective but he admires what you’ve done with your business.”

“The assholes at your party don’t.” Hurt shone in his eyes.

Angela had said she’d rescued him from Ash. Goddammit! “Those men at the party are not my friends. Angela is my friend, and she thought you were awesome.”

“Maybe she does, but it doesn’t change things. I’m not meant to live in your world.”

I couldn’t contain my anger at his assumption. “My world? I never… If you’d said something you wanted to do, I would have been fine with it. I was just making suggestions for us. Except for tonight. I had to go, and I thought… I wanted… Obviously, I made a mistake.”

“Yeah, you did. I told you I couldn’t be the man you wanted and now you’ve seen it in action.”

I wanted to fucking kill Ash. I wished I could go back and change the whole evening, but I couldn’t. “What about you? Who do you want to be?”

He shrugged, his eyes glistening. Holy fuck, if he started to cry I was done for.

I’d just open my heart right there and bleed all over his carpet.

I didn’t want our relationship to be over, and I sure as hell didn’t want to have wrecked it because I’d been too scared to be honest. David had told me to tell him. I should have listened.

“I don’t know who I want to be,” he said. “I don’t even know who I am. Ever since I left the military, I’ve been lost.”

I felt lost right then. What could I say? How the fuck could I make this right? “You built your own business.”

“Yeah, but that’s just work. Work is something I know how to do. Talking to people, relating to people, that’s where I fuck up.”

Me too. Maybe that’s why this is so difficult. “You talked to me.”

“I guess I didn’t say the right things, though.” The bitterness in his voice tore through me.

“Connor—”

“You should take the job.”

No, don’t push me away. “I don’t think I want to.”

“It’s a great opportunity. I just wish you’d told me about it.” His voice sounded resigned, and that was worse than anger. This couldn’t be the end.

Please don’t let me have screwed up a chance at something meaningful. “Look, I just?—”

“When will you get a chance like this again?”

“Never, and I don’t think I care.” Maybe this was just what I needed to help me see I wanted to be a writer more than a professor.

“Your aunt and uncle’s money won’t last forever.”

I bristled at that. As if I didn’t know my own financial situation. “No, it won’t, but maybe this is the right time for me to take a few risks.”

“This isn’t going to work out.”

Noooo. I screamed inside but I couldn’t make my voice work.

Tell him why he’s wrong. Don’t let this end.

I backed toward the door. If this was really it, then I had to get out of there before I had a breakdown.

My chest was so tight I could barely suck in breath.

When I hit the wall, I reached behind me and felt for the doorknob.

Connor watched me, but he didn’t move or say anything. The pain in his eyes tore at my heart. I’d done this to him and now I was sick with grief. My fingers found the knob and I turned to face the door. Open it. It’s time to go . I couldn’t make myself move.

Suddenly he was behind me. He grabbed my shoulders, spun me around, and shoved me back against the door. Our lips met and a storm ignited.

Sex with Connor had always been amazing, the best I’d ever had by far, but I’d sensed that there was power in him that he’d never fully unleashed when we were in bed.

I’d wanted to know what it would be like if he let go.

There was nothing gentle about the way he ground me against the door or his tight grip on my wrists.

With any other man, I would have struggled, unable to bear being trapped, but even knowing how angry he was, I trusted him. Connor would never hurt me.

I worked my hips, rubbing against his erection, letting him know I wasn’t daunted by his roughness.

We’d done this in my dreams, fucked wild and fast with no restraint, no attempt to second- guess each other.

Hadn’t David always sworn there was no sex like angry sex?

I’d never had a chance to test that theory until now.

When Silas was angry, he’d iced over until there was no passion in him, not that he was very sensual at the best of times.

Connor drew my wrists above my head and pinned them with one hand. He glared at me as he drew in ragged breaths. Yep, he was still angry. Was this goodbye? If so, I wanted to make it the best goodbye I’d ever said.

Connor yanked my pants open, popping the button across the room. I didn’t give a damn. I needed him way more than I needed a pair of well-tailored pants. After a long, brutal kiss, he released my wrists, shoved my pants and boxers down, and spun me around to face the door.

“Brace yourself and don’t move,” he ordered. “I’ll be right back.”