Page 12 of Coming Clean

Jeremy

I deliberately left the house before Connor and Sabrina arrived for the weekly cleaning.

I’d scheduled them for noon, so I’d been able to sleep in and make myself a luxurious breakfast, but I was too nervous to wait around and face Connor.

Had I imagined the sexual tension between us at the play?

I’d been so sure Connor was into me that night that I’d almost invited him in when he brought me home.

I regretted not accepting Connor’s offer to walk me to the door.

If I’d said yes, I could have… What? Kissed him?

Yanked him inside? Jumped him? That’d be a great way to get punched if I were reading things wrong.

No, Connor wouldn’t hit me. He might never speak to me again, but he’d never hurt me physically.

It was stupid, but I’d hoped Connor would be so eager to see me again that he’d call, but he hadn’t. Of course, he hadn’t. He was straight, and we weren’t even really friends, were we?

Get it together, Jer. I could hear David scolding me. I’d mentioned to David how hot Connor was, but I hadn’t said more. If I did, David would be all over my case about crushing on a straight guy. Why couldn’t I like a guy who was available?

I planned to spend the afternoon at a wine bar/used bookstore located in the vibrant downtown area.

The poet in my novel would’ve loved the place.

I ordered a cheese plate and a glass of wine and settled on a sofa where I could spread out my notes.

If I ignored that I was typing on a laptop, I could imagine myself back in the nineteenth century.

Hours later, pleased with my progress, I paused to stretch. I glanced at the time on my laptop. Connor would be at my house for at least another hour. Should I keep working, or head home so I could see him?

My pulse sped up as I imagined Connor looking up when I entered, our gazes locking, the world fading away as we both realized how much we wanted each other.

I would cross the space between us as if floating on air.

Connor would embrace me, lifting me so I could wrap my legs around his hips…

Whoa. I was going to end up with a raging hard-on if I didn’t stop.

I packed up my computer and my notes. No way was I going to miss the chance to see Connor.

There wouldn’t be any passionate scenes, I knew that.

But maybe, just maybe, there could be a little flirting and another chance to judge whether Connor was interested and whether the lustful looks I thought I’d seen were all in my head.

Fifteen minutes later, I put my key in the lock and turned it, holding my breath in case a miracle came true, and Connor really was waiting for me like in my fantasy.

Connor was vacuuming the hall runner–not waiting to give me a thorough fucking–but his ass looked amazing as he moved in a steady back-and-forth rhythm.

I didn’t see Sabrina. Maybe she was working in another room.

“Hello,” I called, trying to make myself heard over the vacuum’s roar.

Connor didn’t respond, so I took a step toward him. Connor must have sensed someone approaching even though he hadn’t heard my words because he dropped the vacuum and whirled around, looking like he was about to take me out.

I held up my hands and stepped back. “Sorry, I tried to call out.”

Connor grabbed the vacuum and shut it off as color rose in his face. “No, it’s my fault. I get jumpy if I feel someone behind me. I shouldn’t have?—”

I held up my hand. “It’s okay, really.”

Connor nodded, looking down.

“You have every reason to be jumpy.” I wanted to say something to make Connor understand that I didn’t judge him for his reaction, but I didn’t want to sound patronizing.

Connor didn’t say anything else, and the silence grew awkward.

I decided we needed a new topic of conversation. “Is Sabrina here?”

“No, she’s sick. She watched her friend’s kids a few nights ago, and they apparently gave her the stomach flu.”

“Ugh. Nothing worse than that.”

Connor nodded. “She sounded miserable. But I was able to work quickly since we cleaned thoroughly last time. I’ll be out of your way soon.”

“You’re not in my way. I like having you here. I mean… um… I can just work in the kitchen unless you need to work in there.”

“Jeremy, you’re paying me to clean your house. I’ll work around you.”

“Okay.” This was normal. People did this all the time. Why did it feel so strange?

I was too embarrassed to say anything else, so I retreated to the kitchen and put on some water for tea before settling myself at the table in the breakfast nook.

When the kettle whistled, I realized that since I’d sat down, I’d done nothing but stare at my laptop screen and replay my conversation with Connor.

I was pouring tea when Connor walked into the kitchen. “You want some?” I asked. “Or I could make a pot of coffee instead.”

Connor smiled, but there was a hint of surprise on his face, like he wouldn’t have expected me to ask. “I’m fine. Thanks.”

“I don’t mind. I’ve got beer too.”

I thought Connor might say yes for a few seconds. Instead, he said, “That’s tempting, but I should finish up.”

I pretended to work as Connor bustled around me, but I didn't actually get anything done. My body buzzed, too aware of Connor’s presence to do anything but watch him.

“I’m all done,” Connor said several minutes later. “I just need to put my equipment in the car and take out the trash.”

“Stay and have a beer,” I said, hating how desperate I sounded.

Connor looked up from packing his supplies into a bag. “I…”

“If you’ve got another job, or….”

“I’ve got time, but please don’t feel obligated to?—”

“No obligation. I enjoyed spending time with you last weekend.” And I would enjoy doing a hell of a lot more.

“You did?”

Did he really not know? “I’ve got Gaelic Ale and Ninja Porter, or if you’d like something else?—”

“Ninja Porter is great.”

I grabbed a can and handed it to Connor, who popped the top and took a long swallow. I couldn’t help watching Connor’s Adam’s apple slide up and down as he drank.

Connor took another sip and sat the beer down on the counter.

I looked away, realizing I was still staring, fantasizing about leaving teeth marks on Connor’s neck.

“So um… how long have you had the cleaning business?” Lame, but at least it would fill the silence.

Why had it been so much easier to talk during the play?

“A little over a year.”

“It seems like you’re doing well. I mean, you do a great job here, and from what Rita said it sounds like you have a lot of clients.”

Connor nodded. “We’re holding our own.”

Silence descended again until I came up with another question. “How did you decide to go into this business? I mean….” I wasn’t sure what else to say that didn’t sound insulting or at least stereotypical.

“You want to know how a Marine can be okay with cleaning other people’s houses?”

“Not exactly, I’m… Okay, I’m curious. It’s unexpected.”

Connor looked more amused than annoyed.

“Are you going to tell me?” I prompted.

“After eight years of being a damn good Marine, I couldn’t do it anymore.”

I nodded. I had no idea what to say because I couldn’t imagine how hard life had been for Connor in the Marines.

“Mario, Sabrina’s brother, and I were close. Best friends. We met in boot camp, and he was the first person I ever felt understood me. I lost him over there.”

A lump formed in my throat hearing those words. I wished I could do something to comfort Connor.

“Sabrina and I had been emailing a lot, and when I told her I was getting out, Asheville seemed as good a place as any, so I took up her offer to crash on her couch for a few months. I wasn’t qualified to do much of anything, but between the Marines and my stepfather’s demands, I was damn good at cleaning and doing it fast. I never meant to start my own business, but I kept getting more and more clients, and it just happened. ”

“That makes sense.”

Connor nodded.

More silence. “What happened to Sabrina’s brother?” The words were out before I could stop them, the need to know more about Connor overpowering my good judgment. I looked down and fiddled with my teacup. “I’m sorry. Ignore me.”

Connor didn’t say anything for a while. I summoned the courage to look at him. The anger I’d expected to see wasn’t there. Instead, he looked lost.

“I made it sound like he’s dead.” Connor’s words surprised me.

I waited patiently to see if Connor would continue.

Eventually, he did. “His body isn’t, anyway, but on the inside…

I don’t know what’s left. We were on a mission.

We’d been sent into a village and… After that, he was never the same.

It’s like he’s just going through the motions of living, like he’s a machine.

What we went through made him turn all his emotions off.

I tried to get him to come back to the States with me, but he re-upped.

He said he wasn’t fit to be around regular people, that people who killed for a living were the only ones who could tolerate him now. ”

Connor had been leaning against the counter, but he sank onto one of the stools at the bar as he finished speaking.

He looked at the floor, and I watched his chest expand as he took two slow, deep breaths.

I longed to comfort him but had no idea how.

What could I possibly say? That I understood?

I didn’t, not really. I’d lost my mom, but it hadn’t been anything like that.

She’d been herself until the end. And I couldn’t begin to imagine the hell Connor and his teammates had gone through.