Page 21 of Coming Clean

Jeremy

I meant to take a quick shower—just rinse off so I could throw something together for Connor to eat, but I kept getting distracted.

I couldn’t stop watching him, and now, I didn’t have to just look. I could touch him. Every inch of him—from the dips and curves of his ankles to the swirls of his ears and that spiky hair he still kept buzzed even after more than a year out of the Marines. I could trace him, memorize him.

He was just as hungry for me as I was for him. Even though I hadn’t quite recovered enough to get hard again, Connor didn’t seem to care about lunch anymore. He kissed his way down my body, and I knew it wouldn’t take long for me to be ready again if he kept that up.

Then he did something I never expected—he dropped to his knees in front of me, water cascading over his broad, muscled back.

He used a soapy cloth to wash my chest, my exhausted cock and balls, my legs, and even my feet.

His shoulders flexed under the spray, looking so strong and so goddamn lickable, but what really got me was the vulnerability I still saw in him. Even now.

That vulnerability shattered every stereotype I’d ever had about military guys.

Connor wasn’t some emotionless soldier. He’d been through hell—physical for sure, but also mental, emotional.

I didn’t know all the details, but I didn’t need them to see the damage.

Fuck, I wanted to help him. I wanted to help myself.

The question was, could we actually pull it together enough to make something real out of this? Did Connor even want that?

When the water ran cold, Connor stood and reached behind him to shut it off.

I stepped out and grabbed towels for both of us.

As I dried off and finally started to warm up again, all I wanted was to drag him back into bed, wrap us both in the blankets, and stay there, skin to skin, until we were ready to go another round.

If we stayed buried under the covers, maybe the world would leave us the hell alone.

Maybe we’d stop feeling so different from each other. Maybe Connor would stop hiding and?—

Yes. No. That wasn’t going to happen.

“I’ll grab some clothes, then get us something to eat,” I said, trying to sound casual. “We can take it out on the balcony if that’s okay with you.”

“If you’re sure you don’t mind me staying.”

“I want you to stay.” I meant it. But it still came out stiff, like I was trying too hard. Why did things suddenly feel awkward between us? What if it only felt right when we were fucking?

No. I wasn’t going to do that to us.

You can’t know if you don’t try. Take a risk.

That was apparently the theme of my summer.

Connor and I carried our makeshift lunch out to the round table on the screened-in balcony.

The yard beyond us stretched wide and green—surprisingly big for a city lot.

I’d rummaged through the fridge and come up with salami, a few cheeses, blueberries, pickles, and a couple beers.

Connor had added crackers, some Oreos, and a bag of M&Ms he found in the pantry.

Not exactly gourmet, but neither of us seemed to care.

I reached for a beer and three Oreos. After the monster hangover, a massive breakfast, and then sex that could probably be classified as a religious experience, dessert first felt like the perfect choice.

Connor laughed as I crunched down. “Dessert first?”

I grinned at him. “I think we already had dessert.”

“Mmm. I agree.” He stacked salami and cheese on a cracker and shoved the whole thing in his mouth.

We didn’t talk much while we ate. I hadn’t realized how hungry I still was—we’d burned through some serious calories. I polished off the last slice of salami and let myself relax, staring out over the backyard, basking in the summer warmth.

Then Connor spoke. “So… um… this might be an odd time to bring it up, but could I get on your schedule for regular weekly cleans?”

I blinked, surprised by the shift to business but oddly relieved it didn’t seem to bother him. “Sure. I figured you’d need to keep coming until the house sells.”

I meant that in all ways.

Connor didn’t seem to catch the double meaning. “Have you thought about keeping the house?”

I had. But that was a conversation I wasn’t ready to have with him—not when so much of that decision depended on how this thing between us played out. “Yes, but it feels kind of crazy to live in a house this big alone.”

He looked thoughtful. “It is large for the neighborhood, but by American standards, it’s not that big.”

He was right. And I did love the house. The more time I spent here, the more the bad memories started to fade—like I was rewriting them with new ones.

“I may not get an offer anytime soon,” I said finally. “I guess I’ll see how it goes.”

Connor nodded slowly. “Did you like it here when you were a kid, even with everything that happened?”

“Yes,” I admitted. “I loved this backyard. It was where I went to hide.”

Connor gave me a crooked smile. “I know something about that.”

“Hiding?” I asked.

He looked away as he nodded. A hawk flew overhead, casting its shadow across the grass. I watched it for a moment, then glanced back at him. “Beautiful, aren’t they?”

“Yes. Predators can be.”

That caught me off guard. I wanted to ask him what kind of predators he’d known, but then he started talking before I could.

“My dad died when I was three,” he said quietly. “My mom remarried not long after—once she realized she was pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby.”

I kept still, listening.

“The boyfriend hated me, and he made sure my half-brother hated me too. My mom just… didn’t care. I think I reminded her too much of my dad. My stepdad had these impossible rules. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I spent most of my time trying to stay invisible.”

I laid my hand gently on top of his. Connor turned his hand palm-up and laced our fingers together.

“I joined the Marines to get away from him.”

I squeezed his hand. “You traded one rigid system for another.”

He laughed, bitter and low. “Exactly. I thought I was escaping, but at first, it felt like more of the same. My drill instructor was brutal. Always on me, like I was his personal project. I thought he hated me, but… he didn’t.

He saw something in me. Made me better. Because of him, I applied for recon. ”

His posture straightened a little as he said that. He was proud. I could see it in his eyes, feel it in his voice. But whatever had happened later had dragged that pride through the dirt.

“You’re still hiding now,” I said before I could stop myself.

Connor went still.

Shit. Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut?

“Yes,” he said finally. “I am.”

David’s voice echoed in my head. You have no business dating someone who’s ashamed of who he is.

I braced for Connor to shut down again, but he surprised me.

“I couldn’t come out over there. I had to trust my team with my life, and most of them didn’t want a homo at their back. There were guys in recon who were out, but it wasn’t easy for them. I’d already been torn down enough growing up. I didn’t need more of that, so I stayed quiet, played the part.”

“And now?”

He hesitated. “I can’t get the voices out of my head. The ones that say I’m wrong. Unnatural. That I’m not a real man if I don’t want a woman.”

That distant, vacant look came back—the one I’d seen when he bolted the day before. I cupped his chin and gently turned his face to mine. “You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not ready to. I’m here. I want to help.”

“You don’t want to hide,” he said.

I shook my head. “No. I don’t. But if you need to for a while, I…” I sighed.

Connor looked haunted. “And if I can’t ever… stop hiding?”

I swallowed hard. “Can we just… see?”

His shoulders relaxed just a little. “If you’re okay with that.”

He looked so raw, like he expected me to take it all back. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t have the words, but I wanted to show him.

“I promise, you can tell me anything,” I said. “I might not always say the perfect thing back, but I’m good at listening.”

Connor studied me. “I want to be the man you think I am.”

From anyone else, I would’ve thought that was sarcasm. But not from him.

“You’re already better than the man I imagined,” I said honestly. “I just want you to be you.”

“I’m a closeted fuck-up.”

“No. You’re amazing.”

He stared at me like he didn’t believe it. I brushed my knuckles across his cheek and leaned in to kiss him. My heart pounded. My cock stirred. I didn’t know how far he wanted to go, but I needed to kiss him like I meant it.

Stay away from him. You’re going to get hurt. David’s voice again.

But there was another voice now—one that sounded more like the man I wanted to be.

Take a risk. He’s worth it. You’re worth it.

Connor took my hand and pulled it from his face, but he didn’t run. He looked out across the lawn, his eyes scanning the trees like he was checking for snipers. That soldier switch had flipped on again.

“I don’t see anyone watching.” He knelt in front of me and reached for the waistband of my shorts.

I was too stunned to speak. Apparently, I wasn’t the one giving the comfort blow job after all.

“Earlier, I wondered what it’d be like to have you come in my mouth,” he said. “Can I find out?”

My throat went dry. “Yes,” I managed to croak.

The fact that he wanted this—after not wanting it with anyone else—hit me hard. I reached out and gripped his shoulders.

Connor looked up at me, eyes soft. When he licked the tip of my cock, all my thoughts—about the risks, the doubts, the future—disappeared.

I whimpered as he took me into his mouth. He was so good. Too good.

It didn’t take long. “Close,” I rasped, grabbing at his shoulder. “Really fucking close.”

He didn’t stop. He just took me deeper.

And then I was gone.

Pleasure ripped through me as I came, pulsing down his throat. He swallowed again and again, and it was the hottest damn thing I’d ever seen.

When it was over, he pulled back and licked his lips. That simple motion made my whole body jerk one last time.

I slumped in my chair. “Wow. I’m… wow.”

He stared at me, chest rising and falling rapidly, eyes dazed. "Yes. That about covers it.”

I leaned down and kissed him, tasting myself on his lips. The kiss went on and on, and I didn’t want it to end. Because the moment it did, the real world would come back. And I wasn’t ready for that.

Connor

A few hours later, I was curled around Jeremy in bed, spooned against the warmth of his back.

We’d made it back inside from the porch, and now we were both wrecked in the best way.

As much as I wanted to keep exploring every inch of his lean, ridiculously gorgeous body, my dick had officially tapped out for the foreseeable future.

I was right on the edge of sleep when a godawful screech tore through the room.

Jesus Christ—what the hell was that?

Then it clicked. Sabrina’s ringtone.

I shot upright, heart thudding, and scrambled over the side of the bed, hands groping blindly across the floor. I found my shorts, yanked my phone from the pocket, and answered. “Hello?”

“Where are you?” Sabrina’s voice was tight, on the edge of panic.

Shit. The move-out clean.

I looked over at the clock on Jeremy’s nightstand. I was already ten minutes late.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Twenty minutes tops.” I ended the call before she could say anything else, already feeling like the world’s biggest asshole.

“What’s wrong?” Jeremy asked, sitting up. The covers slipped down, baring his smooth chest, and suddenly my crisis was competing with the overwhelming urge to run my tongue across every inch of his skin.

“I’m supposed to be at a cleaning with Sabrina,” I said, dragging my gaze away and trying to remember where the hell I’d left my boxers.

“Shit! How late are you?”

“About ten minutes.” I yanked on my underwear and shorts, trying not to think about how warm the bed had been, how perfect it had felt being wrapped around him.

Jeremy frowned. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s totally my fault.” I pulled on my shirt. “I lost track of time. Sabrina’s probably doing everything herself right now.”

“Is she feeling better?” he asked.

"Yes, but she shouldn’t be pushing herself this hard. And this is the first time I’ve ever been late since we started the business.”

“I want to say I’m sorry again,” Jeremy said, and he gave me this crooked grin that hit me right in the chest, “but I think I’m actually flattered.”

That smile should’ve been illegal.

“Do you need me to help you?” he asked, and I stared at him, thrown.

“With the cleaning?” I asked, thinking maybe I’d misunderstood.

He nodded. “Yes.”

“You would do that?”

“Sure. I can clean things, I just usually don’t.”

I couldn’t help it—I grinned. “Thanks. That’s… thanks. I really appreciate the offer. But Sabrina and I can handle it. The place is already empty, so it should be pretty simple. I just hate that I have to leave right now.”

Jeremy looked me over like he was already imagining what round three might’ve been like. “Me too. Come back when you’re done.”

I blinked. I hadn’t expected that. I hadn’t let myself expect much of anything. “You sure?”

“Very sure.”

“Then you can count on it,” I said, trying not to grin like a total idiot. “We should be done by six.”