Page 9 of Code Word (The Atrous #3)

“Stop with the sarcastic asshole routine. I’m trying to help you. I shouldn’t have said anything already. I’m gonna get my ass kicked for telling you, and you’re being a dick to me.”

“Why can’t you tell me? Why am I the asshole here?”

“Because it’s not my secret to tell. It’s Luke’s.”

“He told Maddox all about it.”

“Because Maddox is gay, dumbass. He’d understand. And I’m telling you because I’ve been there too. I’ve stood where you are right now.”

“But I’m not gay. Or bisexual.”

“He knows that.”

“I don’t think of him like that.”

Jeremy sighed, deflating this time. He turned and walked toward the glass walls to watch the ocean, and he was quiet for a while. “Just give him some time and don’t hate him.”

“Hate him? I could never hate him. I love him. He’s?—”

Jeremy turned, his gaze cutting to mine. “He’s what?”

“My best friend. My ride or fucking die. He’s like a brother to me.”

“Is he? Is that all he is?”

“Is that all? Is that all? Christ, Jeremy, is that not enough?”

“Do me a favor. While you’re here by yourself, I want you to think back over the last ten years to every single time you and Luke were together.

All the bus trips, the flights, the different countries, sharing hotel rooms. Think back to all the hype around the whole Bluke-shipping thing and ask yourself why every person on the planet thought you were a couple. ”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

“That was no more than a publicity stunt for fans. They ate that shit up. It doesn’t mean it was real. And Luke hated that bullshit. So don’t try and tell me that he was into it.”

Jeremy studied me for a long moment. “Okay.”

That dismissive bullshit pissed me off.

“Why am I the bad guy here?” I asked. “I’m being blamed for shit I had no clue about.”

Something flashed in Jeremy’s eyes that looked like an apology, but it was kinda hard to tell. “No one’s blaming you,” he said gently. “Least of all Luke. It’s why he needs time.”

“I thought you said you didn’t know what was wrong with him.”

“Nothing’s wrong with him,” he snapped. “There’s nothing wrong with being queer, Blake.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. You know I have zero problem with that. I just meant that something was wrong. He wouldn’t talk to me, couldn’t even look at me. Something was fucking wrong. How the hell was I supposed to know? ”

Gawd, I still wasn’t sure I believed that’s what this was.

“And Maddox being all best friends with him and Luke talking to him and not me. That shit pissed me off.”

“Because Maddox understands. Luke’s trying to deal with who he is.”

“I know who he is. I know every single thing about him.”

Except, I clearly didn’t.

Jeremy’s raised eyebrow said exactly that too.

Fuck this.

“He’s finally accepted this part of himself,” Jeremy murmured quietly. “And to do that, he needed to accept that he was in love with you and that it could ruin his entire world.”

“His entire world . . . ?”

“You, Blake. Christ, it would kill him, you know that.”

“He would never lose me over anything. But he’s the one pushing me away.”

“He just needs time.”

“He needs to talk to me. I should be having this conversation with him.”

Jeremy shook his head. “Not yet. You both need to work through shit first.”

The fuck?

“What the fuck have I gotta work through?”

The security gate buzzed and I was all set to ignore it, but Jeremy said, “That’ll be the pizza guy.”

I’d forgotten he’d ordered it, and as soon as he mentioned it, my stomach growled. I went to the monitor and sure enough, it was a pizza delivery guy holding a pizza box. I buzzed him through and went in search of my wallet to tip the guy.

Of course, I couldn’t find it. I pulled some cushions off the couch, found my phone—saw all the missed messages and calls, saw that I’d apparently texted Luke and he hadn’t even opened it, groaned, and tossed it back onto the other couch—and finally found my wallet.

I only had fifties, so I tipped the guy one—to his surprise—and had the first slice shoved into my mouth before I got back to the kitchen.

Jeremy was texting on his phone. It was, without doubt, a text to Maddox about me. Or maybe to Steve. Probably Steve. But it was an update on me, of that I was sure.

“Want a slice?” I asked.

He shrugged and pocketed his phone. “Sure.”

I waited until he had a mouthful of pizza before I asked him straight up. “Did you give Steve the rundown on me?”

He looked mad as he chewed and swallowed. “You know, people do actually care about you. You know that, right?”

I snorted out a laugh and shoved another bite into my mouth, and Jeremy studied me.

“Blake,” he said quietly. “You do know that, right? We love you. We all do. Even Steve.”

I finished chewing and still shrugged it off. “Sure.”

I didn’t know that. And I didn’t believe it, but I wasn’t having this conversation with him.

I didn’t need to.

The last two days had shown me all I needed to see.

The last twelve months.

Hell, since Atrous ended.

Since our careers ended, since we split.

Since we’d sang our last song.

“Thanks for the pizza, by the way,” I said.

“I needed this. I need to go to the store. Do you think I can get in and out without a whole fan incident in the supermarket? It’s been a while since I’ve tried; maybe it’s not even a problem anymore.

Since we sidelined Atrous, that is. Normally Becca does that.

Or I get it delivered. Maybe I should get it delivered, but I kinda feel like I need to get out of the house.

Not that it feels like my house. Maybe I should redecorate.

Or bring some of my shit here, I guess. Get it from Luke’s. .. before he comes back...”

Jeremy’s face twisted and he winced. “Blake . . .”

“And about Becca,” I added. “I need to call her, I know. I actually think I’m gonna tell her we’re done.

She deserves better.” Jeremy was about to object but I shook my head.

“It’s not a dig at myself. It’s the truth.

For both of us. Maybe I deserve better too.

I dunno.” Not that I really believed that either, but it felt like the right thing to say.

I scrubbed my hand over my face, wondering how I could ask him to leave because being alone was starting to sound really fucking good.

“Maybe I need to be by myself for a while, figure shit out,” I said quietly. “Never really been alone, know what I mean? Not since we were kids. It’s always been the five of us.”

Then it was two.

Now it was one.

I tried to smile for him, but gawd, it felt so wrong on my face.

Jeremy gave me a slow nod. “Okay, I get it. You can be by yourself, but you’re not really alone, Blake. I need you to know that. Any of us are just a phone call away. We can be here in a hot minute, okay?”

I nodded again, not truly believing that either.

Because when he said I wasn’t alone and any of us are just a phone call away, it was excluding one person in particular.

The one person I wanted the most.

I had no clue what to say to Jeremy, truth or lie; I had nothing.

Jeremy clearly had no clue what to say next either.

In the end, he sighed. I hated that things were awkward with him, and I’d like to think things were never awkward with him, but I honestly couldn’t remember a time when there wasn’t Luke, Wes, or Maddox, or even Steve or Roscoe, to buffer conversations .

I always had Luke.

And now I didn’t.

Jeremy surprised me by sliding his hand around my neck and pulling me in for a hug. The human contact felt like a blanket and the emotion hit me hard, surprising me even more.

I sucked back a breath and collected myself, blinking back the burning behind my eyes. I pulled back and he kept his hand on the back of my neck before giving my shoulder a squeeze. His eyes looked sad and he frowned. “Do me a favor,” he said.

I couldn’t meet his eyes but managed a nod.

“I just want you to think about what he means to you, that’s all.”

I met his gaze then, about to tell him that I knew what Luke meant to me, but Jeremy let go of me and walked out.

And I stood there, hungover and suddenly queasy, and had to wipe a stupid tear from my face.

Motherfucker.

I didn’t have the stomach for another slice of pizza, so I went back to my liquor cabinet, found a bottle of vodka, and had that instead.