Page 31 of Code Word (The Atrous #3)

FIFTEEN

We stopped by the market and the store on the way back—I’d stayed by the bike while Luke ran into the store—and when we got to the house, Luke helped me inside.

He hadn’t said much, and I got the feeling I was in the doghouse.

I fell onto the lounge chair on the back patio, lifting my knee up carefully, and grabbed his hand. “Hey,” I said. “Are you mad at me?”

“No.”

He was totally mad at me.

“About the tests?”

“A bit of warning would have been nice.”

“I’m sorry. But I just thought, given we were both there, we didn’t need to make any special appointments or make another trip or overthink anything. It’s done now. Those rapid tests are awesome, and we’ll get a text in a day or so. Easy peasy.”

Luke sighed. “I know, I just . . .”

“You just what?”

He sat down on the lounge chair with me. “I just wasn’t prepared, that’s all. I know it’s something we were going to have to get done eventually, but we haven’t talked about anything like that.”

I took his hand. “Then let’s talk about it. What do you want to know? I thought we were going to see what felt right. Did something change? If you don’t want to?—”

He shook his head. “I want to,” he whispered. “I want to try everything. But I’ve never done anything with a guy before. I know the mechanics of it, and I’ve watched some gay porn. I think I know what I want.”

“You have? Because... well, because I haven’t. Watched gay porn, that is.” Seen plenty with two guys, but there was usually a woman in between them. “We should totally watch some,” I added.

He laughed, looking out at the ocean, but he was clearly embarrassed. “Maybe we should.”

There was definitely something he wasn’t telling me. I gave his hand a squeeze. “What is it?”

He took a second to get his thoughts in order. “Sex with guys is different,” he said, cringing. “With hetero sex, the roles are easier to define.”

Ohhh.

“Like appendage A inserts into slot B kinda thing?”

He barked out a laugh. “Well, yeah. I guess.”

“But now we have more appendage As and only slot Cs, right?”

He ran his hand through his hair and let out a puff of air. “Something like that.”

I sat up straighter and made him look at me. “Hey. Sex is what we make it. There are no rules, no set definitions, and no deal breakers. If you don’t ever want to do something, then we don’t. I won’t ever pressure you, and I expect you not to pressure me. Jeez, Luke. This is us. You and me.”

“I know,” he whispered. “And I want us to be comfortable, of course. I just don’t want you to be disappointed. This morning, I couldn’t... ”

Wait, what?

“Couldn’t what? Luke, baby, tell me.”

His face flushed red. “I couldn’t... I didn’t want to swallow. I panicked and?—”

Oh, hell no.

“Luke, stop. What you did this morning was the hottest thing ever. I mean it. Jesus. I came so fast. And I didn’t even think... it didn’t occur to me that you didn’t swallow. My god, it was your first time sucking dick?”

He nodded, sad and embarrassed. “Well, yeah, of course.”

“You were amazing,” I said, taking his face in my hands and waiting for his eyes to meet mine. “You were perfect and seriously hot. I don’t expect you to do anything, and I can promise you, the first time I suck your dick, I don’t think I’ll be chugging it either.”

He snorted, finally smiling.

“We need to give ourselves time,” I said. “We need to learn each other’s bodies, our likes and dislikes. Like this morning, when you inhaled my smell—hottest thing. And when I looked down and saw your lips around me, and you were jerking yourself off. Hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

He blushed scarlet, from his hairline right down to his neck. “Jesus, Blake. Do you always just talk about sex like this?”

“Not normally, no. It’s just something I’ve done and never discussed it with them.

” I shrugged. “But with you, I wanna make it right. And I don’t want you to think you’re lacking in any way because, Luke, sex with you is unlike anything I’ve ever done.

Even kissing. With other people, it was just whatever .

I never wanted it. But with you, I can’t get enough.

I want to touch you all the time. I want to cuddle, for fuck’s sake.

I said the word cuddle ? Who even am I?”

His eyes searched mine. “Thank you. For not making me feel... inadequate or amateur or something. I don’t even know. ”

“You are neither of those things. I mean it, Luke. We’ll learn this together. It’s new for both of us, right? You’re not Robinson Crusoe here.”

He smiled, his bottom lip pulling in between his teeth. “So,” he began, nervous again. “Before, when I said I think I know what I want...”

“Yes?” I said. “Tell me.”

He smiled and ducked his head. I hated that he felt so shy, but this cute side of him was new. “So, regarding the appendage A and slot C.”

“What about it? If you don’t want to try that, or see which of us is which, or both, or none?—”

“I want that,” he said quickly. “I’m definitely the slot C. Been thinking about being the slot C with you for a good ten years, Blake. I’m not saying I want to try it now , or anytime soon, for that matter, but just so we’re clear on who’ll be doing what when we get to that part?—”

I barked out a laugh. “Oh.”

He shot me a look. “Oh, what? What’s so funny? I’m trying to tell you what I want. It’s embarrassing, okay.”

I brought him in for a hard kiss. “What you’re saying is that you want a thorough dicking and for me to make no mistake about how good I need to give it.”

“Jesus.” He shoved me, smiling. “But . . . yes.”

I grinned at him. “You wanted it for ten years, huh?”

“Shut up.”

I laughed. “Oh good, that’s no pressure at all.” I put my hand to my forehead. “Especially after the not-earth-shattering comment, I mean...”

He snorted and took my hand from my forehead. He was smiling now. “Thank you. For talking about this. It’s not easy for me, and it’s not something I ever thought we’d be discussing, but here we are.”

“Hey, up until a week ago, never ever did I think I’d be having this conversation.

But you’re right. Here we are. And we’ll be okay if we can talk about this.

And you and me, we can talk about anything.

Anything at all. If you’re feeling weird or anxious or worried, tell me.

I know I joke about shit, but I won’t joke about this, not if I know you’re serious. You can tell me anything.”

“I’m bisexual,” he blurted out, as if it was something he’d wanted to let out for years.

“Okay. I kinda gathered as much.”

“I’ve never said it out loud like that. Not really. Before, you asked if I was, and I said yeah, but I’ve never said those words to anyone.”

Oh, man.

I lifted his hand and kissed his knuckles. “Thank you for telling me now.”

He smiled and shook his head. “I keep waiting for you to be sarcastic. I never really know with you.”

I scoffed. “I’m not! I mean it. Thank you for telling me. And not Maddox.”

“There it is.”

I laughed. “No, I’m just joking about him. But I’m being serious about you. It’s not an easy thing to admit out loud, and you kinda blurted it out like a pressure valve, so I know it wasn’t easy.” I leaned over and kissed his shoulder. “Say it again.”

“Say what?”

“That you’re bisexual.”

“Why?”

“Say it until you’re not nervous about it anymore.”

He laughed like that was ridiculous, then he mumbled, “I’m bisexual.”

“And again.”

“I’m bisexual,” he said with a little more confidence and a bigger smile.

“See? Now I can introduce you to people like, This is Luke. He’s my boyfriend, and he’s bisexual . ”

He laughed. “Please, dear god, don’t ever introduce me like that.”

“But it got you laughing, so it was worth it.”

“And you called me your boyfriend,” he added.

“And you also said we could watch porn together.”

“You’ve got a one-track mind.” He swatted my arm. “We can watch it later, maybe. When it’s not broad daylight and we’re sitting out where people could see us.”

“Uh, my sudden one-track mind is your fault,” I claimed. “Whenever I’m near you, I...” I shrugged. “It’s like I finally realized how I feel about you, and my dick is like, yes, please .”

“Like you’re demisexual, maybe.”

“Like I’m what? I said I’m Luke-sexual. I mean, Demi who? Lovato? Moore? I don’t even know them.”

“Not that kind of demisexual,” he said, shaking his head.

Then he leaned over and kissed me. “It doesn’t matter.

You said before that labels aren’t really your thing, and that’s totally fair.

But I was just thinking, it does fit. Maybe.

I don’t know. Luke-sexual works, although I can only hope you won’t be introducing yourself as that. ”

“Luke-sexual? No. Luke’s boyfriend? Yes.”

His eyes met mine. “You will?”

“Hell yes, I will.”

“You really are just adapting to this whole dating-a-guy thing like a duck to water, huh.”

I shrugged. “I don’t see the difference. If I’m dating a woman or you. It’s no one else’s business.”

“You know the world doesn’t see it like that. The media, production companies, fans...”

“They don’t matter anymore. We don’t have to toe that line anymore; we are under no contractual obligations. If we wanna make new music and our fans don’t like it, they can go to hell. They had no problem with Maddox or Jeremy, and the Bluke-ship was an entire thing, remember? They loved us.”

He nodded, smiling. “Oh, I remember. ”

“We’ll have our own production company, our own PR and media team; you name it. And we’ll make our own rules.”

Luke was quiet for a bit, looking out at the water, smiling. After a moment, he met my eyes. “Are you hungry? I’ll get us some food. How’s your knee? Need the ice pack?”

“Knee’s okay. Bit sore, but the injection’s working.”

“Good,” he said softly.

“Thank you,” I said, my hand over his on his thigh. “For looking after me.”

His eyes met mine, the blue putting the sky behind him to shame. “Always.”

The pang in my chest, the butterflies, the sheer happiness: his sincerity gave me something I couldn’t explain.