Page 26 of Code Word (The Atrous #3)

“I already told you it was,” I replied without shame.

“I am in love with you. Like real love this time. Not being with someone because it was convenient or habit, or whatever.” I shrugged.

“This is different. I feel... giddy. Like I wanna do something stupid. I dunno. But I’m not freaking out.

I’ve never felt more certain about anything in my life. ”

“But you don’t wanna go home.”

“Nope. I want to stay here with you. Just us. Where the outside world doesn’t exist. Where none of the bullshit matters.

” Then I stopped. “Do you think that’s a measure of my sincerity?

Do you think me not wanting to go home means I don’t want to tell people?

Because I already told my mom. And Wes. And Becca.

Pretty sure the others figured it out when I was having a meltdown on the floor and did a lot of yelling. ”

“At Maddox.”

“Mostly, yes.”

“It wasn’t his fault. I asked him to not tell you. ”

I pouted, still not entirely sold. “Hm.”

“You know you’ll need to talk to him eventually and sort this out.”

I sniffed and looked at the blue sky out the window. “Maybe.”

Or maybe not.

“Is that why you don’t want to go home?”

I looked at him then. “No. Not at all. Because I learned a pretty harsh truth when you were gone. That what we had as Atrous is over. We’re not those people anymore.

Those promises we made as kids don’t apply anymore.

When you were gone, I was very much alone.

Like I’m guessing how Wes feels most of the time.

Oh, Jeremy came to see me once, basically told me I was a mess, bought me a pizza so I’d eat something, and he left.

But the whole ‘Atrous forever’ thing just isn’t true. ”

Luke frowned and took my hand, turning my wrist over to look at the tattoo there; the piece of the pentagon, the five-piece symbol we each had inked into our skin. He put his next to mine.

“It means forever to me,” he murmured. “It made us who we are. It’s part of our lives, our pasts, and we can’t change that. I wouldn’t change it. Atrous will always be a part of me.”

I sighed, trying to shake off this stupid mood. I was flying high just minutes ago and now...

“Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to ruin the mood.”

“You didn’t. If you want to talk about it...”

“No. I don’t.”

“I’m sorry you felt so alone,” he murmured. “I know that’s my fault, and I wish I could take that pain away.”

“But it’s not your fault. If you were the only thing holding my friendship with the guys together, then it wasn’t really friendship, was it?” I shrugged again. “Like I said, I learned some pretty harsh truths. ”

“Blake—”

“It’s not your fault, so don’t feel bad.

There’s no guilt to be owned, no one to blame.

It just is what it is. I’m okay with that.

” I made a face. “Well, I will be. Not everyone stays friends forever. Paths converge and separate, and that’s okay.

I just... I want to think about the future. Mine, yours, ours.”

His eyes studied mine, looking for what, I couldn’t say. If he was searching for a flicker of doubt, he wouldn’t find it.

“Us, together,” I said. “That’s all I want. I just want to be with you. I want to block everything out and concentrate on this.”

He smiled but there was something behind it, barely concealed. I didn’t want to keep talking about that miserable shit, about Maddox, or Atrous. I wanted to enjoy us. I wanted to let myself have this.

“Five minutes ago, I admitted to being the happiest I’ve ever been and to having the best sexual encounter of my life,” I said. “So if we could back up a bit before the spiral nosedive, that’d be great.”

He nodded, smiling more genuinely this time. “Okay. Fair enough.”

“Wanna go for a walk on the beach?” I asked. “Or we could go back to sitting on the patio and maybe think about writing some songs.”

“You mean, me strumming my guitar and you watching me?”

“Yes.”

“Then you looking at me a certain way and telling me to come a little closer.”

“Also, yes. Making out like teenagers was fun.”

He chuckled. “Maybe a walk will do us good.”

I sighed. “Okay, fine. A walk first, then more making out.”

Luke laughed. “Deal. We should probably add dinner in there somewhere. ”

I pretended not to hear. “Oh, I’m sorry. What was that? I was too busy thinking about the making-out part.”

He shoved me toward the door and we went downstairs, and I noticed my phone screen on the kitchen worktop.

Missed call from Becca.

“Hm,” I said, frowning. I showed Luke. “I wonder if everything’s okay.”

He shrugged this time. “Call her back.”

I pressed Call, put my phone on the counter, and hit speaker. “Hey,” I said when she answered. “Everything okay? You’re on speaker, by the way.”

“Good. Luke, where’s your phone? I’ve been trying to call you.”

His eyes met mine and he grimaced. “Uh, to be honest,” he said, “I’m not entirely sure. It’s here somewhere, but I haven’t used it. Or looked at it. I think it’s in my suitcase. Maybe.”

I pointed my finger at myself and whispered, “And I’m the one avoiding reality?”

He gave me a shove. “Sorry,” he said to the phone. “Everything okay?”

“Yes, but you said yesterday that we’d talk today, and when you didn’t call me, I had to call Blake’s phone, and then he didn’t answer either. I was beginning to think you’d been abducted or something.”

He made a face. “We were . . . we were . . . swimming.”

I snorted, kinda grimacing too.

“Yeah, right,” she said flatly. “Well, if you’re both alive, I guess we can talk another day.”

He snatched up the phone and took it off speaker. “No, wait. Can we talk? We should talk.”

He looked at me, raising an eyebrow as if asking if it were okay, and I nodded.

He absolutely should talk to her. In private. As brother and sister, they needed to clear the air without me being in the middle of them.

Lord knows, I was the reason.

Luke went out across the patio, down the steps to the sand, and started walking down to the water, my phone pressed to his ear.

I really needed them to be okay.

I needed there to be no grievances between them because of me. It would probably be awkward enough, but at least if they were talking...

Not like me and Maddox.

I wasn’t ready to deal with that. I was still pissed off and hurt. But I meant what I’d said to him, and I stood by that.

I wasn’t ready to face that because, with the way I was feeling, it was likely to end with a kind of finality I was trying to avoid.

I wanted this new path I was on, this new life with Luke, and I wanted to explore new music. I wanted to enjoy music again.

That didn’t mean I had to cut all ties to Maddox or Jeremy. They were going to be a package deal, I was pretty sure. And by inclusion, Roscoe and Steve. I loved them all, I really did.

But sometimes that wasn’t enough.

I picked up Luke’s guitar, plonked my ass on his lounge chair, and began strumming out a few bars.

Of nothing in particular. Nothing old, nothing new. Just chords.

I could see Luke down by the water, talking on the phone. His hair tousled in the wind, his shirtless body bronzed in the sun.

And I watched him, thinking about everything.

How much I loved him.

And I did. Sooo fucking much. I loved him, was in love with him, wanted to spend my life with him.

I wanted to do whatever it took to make him happy .

I wanted Becca to be happy too. I wanted good things for her. I wanted her to find someone who’d treat her better than I did.

I wanted to sell my house. I wanted to close off that chapter of my life. A lot of chapters. Who I was. Who I used to be.

I wanted to let go of the anger I had.

Anger I didn’t even know I was holding onto.

Anger aimed at someone in particular . . .

Luke came back onto the patio, frowning, sad.

Oh no.

I put his guitar down and opened my arms for him. “What happened? I thought she was okay with us.”

He folded himself down to fit squarely into my side, his body warm from the sun, and I wrapped my arms around him. “She was... she is,” he said, “totally fine with it. With us.”

I rubbed his back. “Then what’s wrong?”

“I still feel kinda shitty.”

I gave him a squeeze and kissed the top of his head. “Same. To be honest. She deserved better.”

He was quiet for a bit, his face on my shoulder, his hand on my chest. “She said she knew all along. She said everyone did.”

“Except me.”

He snorted. “Except you.” Then he sighed. “Same as Vana, I guess. I feel shitty about that too.”

I kept rubbing his back. “Did you want to call her?”

“What? No. She wouldn’t answer anyway. She deserves better too.”

I kissed the side of his head. “We are just stellar boyfriends, right?”

Luke snorted but then he raised his head, propped up on his hand, so he could look me in the eye. “Is that what we are? ”

Oh, shit.

“Well, I wasn’t talking about us with the sarcastic stellar comment, but yeah. I guess? Are we boyfriends? Or are we more than that? I don’t know. I haven’t thought about labels. I guess we are. But we are also more than that, right?”

“More than boyfriends?” He chuckled. “Like what’s the next level?”

“Best friends. Lovers,” I said, then cringed at myself. “I dunno. We’re just together. Like together-together. Boyfriends works by definition, but does it feel... lacking to say that?”

“Lacking?”

“Well, yeah. It’s not strong enough. We would technically be boyfriends, dating, exclusive, I dunno. I don’t like labels.”

He sat up. “Okay, wow. You just?—”

I sat up too. “Okay, wow, what? Was the wow at the boyfriend thing or the exclusive thing? Because, Luke, I absolutely one hundred percent am not sharing you with any-fucking-one.”

Luke laughed, took hold of my face, and kissed me. “I’m not sharing you, either.” Then he made a face. “Well, I’m kinda sharing you with my sister, but not at the same time.”

“What?” I pulled back. “Ew. No. Luke, what the fuck?”

“I just mean that you and her have... well, you’ve?—”