Page 18 of Code Word (The Atrous #3)

ELEVEN

“We need to talk,” I whispered. “We’re gonna talk this out.”

He pulled back, his face a mess of tears, and he tried to put his hand up. “Can we just forget about it? I’ll get over it. I’m sorry, I?—”

“I don’t want you to forget about it. I don’t want to forget about it. I’m here, Luke. For you.”

“I can’t... I can’t lose you, don’t you see? Don’t you see, Blake?”

“See what?” I asked. “That you left me? That Becca broke up with me because I’m a dumbass who’s been in love with his best friend his whole life but was too blind to see it.

Until he left me and I had to deal with all this shit on my own, because I have no one but you, and you fucking left me .

I have been a mess, Luke. A fucking mess.

I got on a plane with nothing but my passport.

No bag, no anything. And I walked this beach looking for you because it was the only clue I had?—”

“Wait...” He stared at me. “Becca broke up with you?” His face crumpled and he began to cry again. “Why?”

Was he not listening ?

“Because I’m a dumbass. Her words exactly were that I’m a dumbass and I’m blind. That I never really loved her because I’m in love with you, and that I’m an idiot.”

He stared at me for the longest time. “You what?”

“I’m an idiot.”

He snorted out a teary laugh. “No, I got that part.” But then more tears ran down his cheek. “You said?—”

“That I’m in love with you,” I replied. Pretty sure that was the third time I’d said it, not that I was counting. “I always have been. I just never realized what it was until I didn’t have it anymore.”

Luke shook his head and tried to speak, more tears spilling down his cheeks.

“It took you breaking up with me for me to realize. I’ve spent the last week either drunk or crying on the floor.

Everything’s been fucking awful. Then today I tried to be normal and I went out in public, but it was terrible, and I ended up at your house.

I found all the photos you left on the floor and the song you wrote.

” I looked down at the crumpled song. “And I can see it now, you and me, and what was always there. I don’t know what any of it means, but I just had to find you.

I was going in-fucking-sane, Luke. And everyone saw it, so that was great.

Maddox can eat an entire bag of dicks; I don’t fucking care.

Amber almost had to lie to the Mexican government for me, and Becca drove me to the airport and told me not to come back without you.

And I flew economy, Luke. Economy. It was awful. ”

Luke stared and then barked out a laugh. “What?”

“What to which part? Because I said a lot, and I’ve told you I’m in love with you three times already, maybe four, and you haven’t acknowledged that at all and I’m starting to think?—”

He threw his arms around me, his arms sliding around me tight, holding me exactly how I needed him to.

My god, how I needed this .

Like everything would be okay. Like the last week was over, all the awful things were over, and we’d be okay.

“I’m in love with you,” he whispered. “I tried not to be. For years, I tried. But it was killing me, and...”

I pulled back and slid my hand to his jaw, searching his eyes. “You should have told me.”

“And what? You were with Becca and you didn’t see me like that, and I didn’t want to hurt either of you.” He looked so damn sad. His chin wobbled. “My best friend and my sister. God. Does she hate me?”

I shook my head. “No. Becca... Becca’s great.”

He tried to step back but I held him fast. “Stop and listen. Becca is great. A great friend and a great sister, but honestly, I never deserved her. And,” I said with a shrug, “I never loved her. Not like I should have. She told me to come find you and to tell you. She literally called me a dumbass. A blind dumbass. And you. You’re a dumbass too.

Then she drove me to the airport.” Then I remembered something.

“Actually, she’s going to kick your ass when you get home. ”

“Oh.”

“For dumping me. Well, more for leaving the country and not telling your family, but mostly for dumping me.”

Luke managed half a smile. “I didn’t dump you.”

“You broke up with me. You left me. You said you needed time and space, and then you left me, and the only person you spoke to was Maddox, and he’s on my shit list.”

Luke smiled and closed his eyes, leaning his forehead on my chin. He breathed in deep, heavy, and tired. “We need to talk. About everything. About what this is and what we do from here.”

I cupped his jaw and made him look at me. “Tell me you’re not leaving me again. I can’t go back to what I was before.”

His blue eyes softened. “I’m not leaving you.”

Then it happened. I looked at his eyes, then down to his lips. His pink lips. And I’d never noticed them before, not like that, and I realized my heart had stopped beating, thumping against my ribs instead, and holy fuck, I wanted to kiss him.

I’d never wanted to kiss anybody like I wanted to kiss him in that moment.

Luke’s eyes widened when he realized what I was about to do... and he pulled away. “Uh, okay. Wow. But we should talk first.” He put his hand to his forehead. “I think. Fuck. Jesus. Were you about to kiss me?”

“Uh, yeah. Pretty sure I was, yeah. If you don’t . . . if that’s not what . . . fuck, did I just ruin this? I thought you . . . I thought you wanted . . .”

Luke laughed, still a little stunned, but then he gripped the sleeve of my hoodie and his eyes met mine. “Are you for real? Is that what you want? Is this... is this really happening?”

“It’s real. I’m serious. I’m here. For you.

I don’t know what it means, but Luke,” I said.

“It’s me. And this is fucking crazy, right?

Like fuck, I don’t even know. But is this.

.. are we... is it, uh,” I said, suddenly nervous, “would you... want that? Me, I mean. Us. Is that even...? Oh fuck, I’m getting ahead of myself and you’re just looking at me and not saying anything. ”

He smiled at me, his voice soft. “Are you nervous? I’ve never seen you get nervous about anything.”

“I’ve never been this nervous!” I let out a huff of air. “Or scared.”

“Scared?”

“Petrified. That I’m on the edge of what could possibly be the best thing in my entire life, and I’m so close to holding it in both hands and it scares the fucking bajeezus outta me that it’s gonna slip through my fingers.

And I’m still talking and you’re still not saying anything.

Fuck, Luke. Will you say something? Please?

It’s getting dark and this place is pretty and all, but I can’t see if you’re looking at me like I’ve lost my mind or?—”

He smiled and took my hand. “Let’s go inside where we can talk.”

Okay then. Yes, talking. We needed to talk. Talking before kissing.

Christ almighty, I wanted to kiss him. I was about to kiss him, and I’d never wanted anything more in my life, but he’d pulled away.

“You okay?”

I nodded. Well, at least I tried to. My head felt like a wooden bobblehead. “Yeah. I’m okay. Nervous.”

He led me inside, and Alma, at least I think that was her name, was standing in the kitchen. She smiled at Luke. “Everything okay, Mister Luke?”

“Uh, yes, Alma. This is Blake.”

“The reason you left California and needed to avoid,” she said.

I looked at Luke, and he winced but kinda smiled. “Yes.”

I looked at Alma. “You told me you didn’t know him. I showed you a photo of him and asked if you’d seen him, and you said no. And your English is great, by the way.”

“Your Spanish is terrible,” she replied, not sorry at all.

“I know,” I admitted. “We took Spanish in school, but we basically had to quit school at sixteen. You know, albums and world tours. It’s no excuse, sorry.”

“We had a pretty messed-up life, huh?” Luke murmured.

I met his gaze and nodded. “Yeah. I think I’m realizing that more and more.”

Alma gave me a smile that kinda told me she was only joking anyway. “I was looking after Mister Luke.”

I looked at him. “Mister Luke, huh?”

“You showed her my photo?”

“I showed anyone and everyone your photo,” I said, showing him the photo on my phone. “All up and down this beach. I was just trying to find you.”

He stared at the screen. “What the . . . ?”

“It was on Entertainment Tonight . It’s how I found you.

Well, they reported that you were in Mexico, and I followed social media threads from fans.

You know how they can pinpoint locations better than NASA.

Anyway, so here I am. I had to walk the entire beach and ask anyone I saw if they’d seen you. ”

Luke was smiling at me. “You did that for me?”

I liked the way his eyes shone, how he smiled at me. “Yeah, of course,” I whispered. “Because I didn’t know where you were... because you left me.”

Luke smiled at me in a way that made my insides feel all swoopy. “We need to talk about that, don’t we?”

“About you leaving me?”

He grinned but looked at Alma. “About dinner...”

“I’ll make enough for both of you,” she said. “You can reheat it when you’re ready. And I’ll be gone in the morning, remember?”

“Yeah, thanks,” he murmured, but then he took my hand again and led me upstairs and through a door. It was a loft of sorts, lots of timber, a rumpled bed, a chair, notebooks, his guitar...

And us.

My nerves ratcheted up somewhere near the stratosphere.

“Hey,” he whispered, still standing close.

Not close enough.

“Could use a hug,” he mumbled.

Now I didn’t know if he was talking about himself or about me, but my answer was yes.

I collected him in a hug so fast, so tight, wrapping my arms around him. He fit against me like he always had, his hold on me became tighter with every exhale, and his face in against my neck .

Holding him was a relief I couldn’t explain.

Like I could finally breathe.

Like my body finally felt peace.

Like he was a missing part of me.

“I never left you,” he mumbled.

“Yes, you did.”

“Well, I never broke up with you,” he amended.

I held him tighter. “Uh, yes, you did.”