Page 11 of Code Word (The Atrous #3)

“That’s not what... That’s not what I meant.” God fucking dammit. “And he didn’t break up with me.”

Except he did.

Her expression softened. “That ache in your heart is telling you otherwise, isn’t it?”

I shook my head, eyes burning again with more stupid tears. God, I hated this. “He wouldn’t even look at me.”

Becca sagged a little. “Wanna know what I think? I think he’s scared of what this all means. He’s scared of losing you. He could never tell you.”

I remembered his phone call with Vana. You need to tell him before it kills you. That’s what she’d said.

“He can’t be scared of losing me when he’s the one who left.” A stupid fucking tear fell down my cheek. “He left me. He wouldn’t speak to me, wouldn’t even look at me.”

She took my hand again and gave me another sad smile.

“It’s scary and frightening. It’s a big step.

But you need to come to grips with it first. Luke already has, and he thinks you’ll reject him and ruin your friendship.

And you and I dating made it more complicated.

He probably thinks he’s gonna hurt us both, and he’d rather hurt himself than hurt us. Because he’s a dumbass.”

I snorted out a teary laugh. “He’s such a fucking dumbass. ”

“That’s why you’re perfect for each other. Two giant dumbasses.”

I laughed and then, for some stupid reason, I cried.

Was I in love with him?

Deep down I knew the answer to that.

Could I live without him? Did I even want to?

“I don’t know what it means,” I mumbled, scrubbing away another tear.

“You don’t know what what means?”

Being in love with him.

A him.

A guy.

Admitting to being in love with a guy felt foreign to me. But being in love with Luke?

I didn’t know.

I loved him, yes. Was I in love with him?

What was the fucking difference?

“What it means to love him. How to love him. How do I love a guy? How do I... fuck, I don’t even know.”

“Jesus Christ, Blake,” she whispered. “You already love him. Are you talking about the physical side of things?”

Gawd.

“Maybe... I don’t know! I don’t know anything. Fuck!”

She made an unhappy sound. “So, first thing you need to understand is that sex does not equal love. Don’t confuse the two. And don’t assume he even wants that.”

I was stunned. It wasn’t every day someone spoke to me like that. Especially Becca. But I guessed our relationship dynamics were different now.

“I know they’re not the same thing. I’m just thinking out loud, trying to get my head around everything because it’s a lot,” I said.

“Like, a lot . I’m still not sure what I think, or what I feel.

I don’t know how to do this. I don’t want to fuck this up even more than it already is.

” I shrugged. “I don’t even know if I can do this.

Or what this is. Or if I’m just feeling all this because he dumped me. ”

Becca pursed her lips in an almost-out-of-patience way.

“You two need to talk. You go to him and tell him everything you just told me. Actually, first of all, tell him you’re sorry for being so blind and for being a dumbass.

And then you hug him, and you hold him tight until he believes you.

As for the physical stuff, if and when you both decide it’s something you want.

..” She cringed. “What to do specifically? I’m sure it’ll come to you.

But don’t tell me details because that’s my brother, so no thanks. ”

I barked out a teary, snotty, hungover laugh.

How was this my day?

“I’m so confused,” I whispered. “I’m so freaking confused.”

“But you miss him,” she said.

I nodded with a fresh wave of tears. “I’m mad at him for not talking to me.

” I shrugged. “I get that he needed time. I get that. But not from me. I need time too, to deal with this whole fucking mess. But I need him. I wouldn’t feel so fucking lost if he was here.

” I sniffled, blinking back more stupid tears.

“And the worst part is he would know that... well, he would if he talked to me. If he cared enough to not bail on me. I can’t believe he bailed on me.

And I shouldn’t be telling you this. I’m sorry.

You don’t have to hear this. Like I haven’t hurt you enough. ”

She made a sad face, the tip of her nose going red the way it would when she’d get upset watching sad movies. Her lip trembled, but she took a deep breath and shook it off. “Blake, I won’t pretend this isn’t weird. Because it kinda is, but it’s not a surprise.”

I scoffed at that. Because it was a monumental fucking surprise.

“Well,” she corrected. “It’s not a surprise to absolutely anyone else but you and Luke. How you both had no idea for so long could be the eighth wonder of the world.”

I shook my head and let out the mother of all sighs. “I still don’t know what to think. Maybe I’m just feeling sentimental because he dumped me. To be fair, no one talks about the heartache when friendships end. It’s no different to love, right?”

Becca looked at me like I’d missed the entire point, then she patted my arm again. “I’m gonna go. You need to think about everything we’ve talked about, everything I’ve said, and everything you’re trying to deny.”

Oh.

Okay, wow.

Fuck.

She collected her purse but then stopped. “Blake, I know I have no right to ask this, but as someone who cares about you—as your friend—no more drinking. Please. You’re here by yourself and you’re not in a good headspace. Give one of the boys a call.”

“No thanks,” I said. Not that any of them would come anyway. She made a face at that, and I gave her my hardest attempt at a smile and stood up. “I’ll walk you out.”

I wasn’t sure what to say.

I’d never really broken up with anyone before, let alone amicably.

I’d also never felt like this before.

Like I was fighting with everything I had not to be torn open, exposing truths and demons so desperate to claw their way to the surface.

I wasn’t ready for any of it.

And I wasn’t ready to be alone.

Not really alone.

And I was now. No Becca, no Luke, no Atrous.

Becca stopped at her car and frowned. “Will you be okay? ”

“Yeah, of course,” I lied.

She pretended not to know that was a lie, and I pretended to smile. “Thank you for coming by today,” I said. “I wish things were different.”

I wish I were different.

“But I’m glad we can still be friends.”

“Same.” She smiled, squinting at the sun, and so help me god, she looked just like her brother.

A pang of grief ripped through me and my heart squeezed so hard I had to look away.

“Tell your mom I said hello,” I murmured. “And that I’m sorry.”

She frowned. “Can I call one of the guys for you?”

I shook my head and took a step back. “Nah. I’ll just go write a song instead of therapy, then I’ll be fine.”

She half smiled at that and got in her car and drove out. I stood there until the gate slid closed behind her, and then I stood there some more.

I didn’t want to go inside.

The house was cold and too big, and I was too alone.

But what else could I do?

I needed to get out of this house. I needed to get away from myself.

And suddenly getting out of the house sounded like the best idea I’d ever had.

So I pulled on my shoes, threw on a hoodie—pretty sure it was Luke’s, and I tried not to think about that—grabbed my sunglasses, wallet, phone, and keys, got into the Range Rover, and drove.