Page 42 of Code Word (The Atrous #3)

“I feel like I’m ready to make plans,” I added.

“These last few years, I’ve just been floating along.

No real plans, just... aimless. I guess.

I dunno. But now I have ideas. I want to do things, set goals, work on them.

I’m ready to work again. Maybe I was burned-out more than I realized.

Maybe that’s what it was. I don’t know.” I shrugged.

“But I’m excited for music again. I’ve missed it.

God, I’ve missed it so much. I didn’t even know how much until Luke started to play his guitar again and write songs, and it was like, yes, this is what was missing . And it’s who I am, who he is.”

Maddox was still smiling, and he looked up at the sky. “I don’t think I’ll ever get that back. Music, yes. I’ll always love it. But I don’t miss what it did to me.”

I nodded because I understood that. “I think that’s what I’m stuck on.

I don’t want to deal with the whole corporation, industry bullshit.

I just wanna play. Like walk into a bar or a public square and sing the songs Luke and I have written.

Hell, free concerts in a park. We could release albums online and not give one single fuck about sales, markets, expectations.

Just acoustic stuff like it used to be. Doing what we want to do when we want to do it.

” I sighed. “I have a different story to tell now. Who I was in Atrous isn’t who I am anymore.

” I made a face. “That’s not true. I’m still me. I dunno. I just feel different.”

“We’re older,” Maddox offered.

I nodded. “I think I kinda resented Atrous coming to an end,” I admitted, and his gaze shot to mine.

“Don’t get me wrong, I know it needed to end.

We were done, all of us. I know that. I just feel.

.. like it was something we couldn’t control.

Even though we did. God, I dunno.” I groaned in frustration at not getting the words right.

“We made that promise to each other, all of us or none of us, and...”

“You don’t know what?”

“Like I need to ask you guys permission to sing again.”

Maddox’s eyes went wide. “What? Fuck no, you don’t need permission.”

I laughed. “Okay, so maybe permission wasn’t the right word. Blessing, maybe. I need you guys to say it’s okay to move on?”

“Move on?” he whispered. “Blake. We’ve all moved on. Have you not? Did you not?—”

I shook my head. “Nope. Not really. I think that’s why I was so stuck. Same with Luke. We were just... stuck in neutral. Couldn’t move forward, can’t go back.”

He sighed. “Oh, man.”

“I’m ready to move forward. I need to. I want to start a whole new part of my life with Luke, and I need to put all that shit behind me.

I want a normal life, if that’s possible.

I know you and Jer talked about that years ago, but I never really understood it.

Until now. You know, I’d never even booked plane tickets for myself?

Or gone to a grocery store.” I sighed. “I realized a lot of things about myself these last two weeks. Not all of it great. Did you know being a grown-up really sucks?”

Maddox smiled at that. “Yeah. Remember when we wanted to be adults so bad?”

I chuckled. “Yeah. We were fools.” I nodded slowly and gave him a sad smile.

“I am sorry for everything. I wasn’t in a good place and I lashed out, and Luke chose you over me, and in hindsight, I can see why that sent me into a nosedive.

Because I was in love with him and completely clueless.

And I was really alone. I had no one because I didn’t have him. ”

“Blake,” he began.

I waved him off. “It’s true, and it’s not anyone’s fault.

Adult relationships are hard. When we were in the band, we didn’t have to work at that shit.

We saw each other every minute of every day, and then when it was over, we didn’t have that.

You and Jer had Roscoe and Steve. Wes is a family man now.

” I met his eyes. “We need to put effort in now. I mean it. Make time, call every so often, and have cookouts or whatever, and be involved with whatever’s going on.

Because if we don’t, weeks’ll turn into months, then years, and before we know it, Rolling Stone will be hosting a twenty-year Atrous reunion and none of us will be there because one of us moved to some forest in Sweden and no longer speaks English. ”

Maddox laughed. “Pretty sure that was ABBA.”

“It was?”

He nodded. “Agnetha.”

I sighed. “The similarities of Luke and me wanting to live as recluses in Mexico are not lost on me.”

Maddox grinned at me, then clapped me on the shoulder. “I’m so happy for you. And Luke, of course. We’ll support you guys, whatever you decide to do with your music. We all will.”

Relief settled over me; a weight I didn’t even know I’d been carrying was gone.

“So,” Maddox said with a nudge. “You and Luke...”

I laughed. “Yeah. A bit of a surprise, huh?”

He made a face. “Not at all.”

That made me groan. “I was the last person to know, wasn’t I,” I said, not a question.

Not anymore. I sighed again. “Full disclosure, I’m still not sure what I am, what label suits me,” I admitted quietly.

“To be honest, I don’t like labels. Not for me.

Luke’s bisexual and he’s happy to claim that, and I’m happy for him.

But me? I dunno. Technically, I guess I’m bi because there’s been women and Luke.

But he’s the only guy ever, and like I said to my mom, it’s not about the fact that he’s a guy.

I love him, the person. I think Luke said maybe I’m a demigod. ”

“Demisexual,” Luke said as he walked over.

I made a face at Maddox. “Like I said. Demigod. So anyway, demigod, bi, whatever; I just know that I’m not gay.” I looked at Luke. “Though what we did last night was pretty fucking gay, so who knows.”

Luke closed his eyes slowly. “Christ.”

I laughed and, taking Luke’s face in my hands, kissed him soundly. “Babe, the word is demigod.”

Luke gave me a shove and Maddox laughed just as Benny ran out to us. “Unca Bake,” she called, running straight to me with her arms up. “Squills.” I picked her up and she looked at Maddox, at his earrings, and tried to reach for them. “Pwetty.”

I laughed. “Yeah, he’s pwetty. He’s always pwetty.” I tried to tap his face, but he ducked my hand.

Amy stood at the door. “She was supposed to tell you lunch is ready.”

“ I was supposed to tell you lunch was ready,” Luke said, smiling at me fondly. “You guys good?”

“Yeah,” I replied, and Maddox nodded.

“I’m happy for you guys,” he said.

“Sorry for putting you in the middle,” Luke said to him. “I didn’t mean to.”

“No apology necessary,” Maddox said. “I’m just glad it all worked out.”

“Squills,” Benny said, pointing to the trees and kicking her legs to get me to move.

“Okay, okay,” I said. “I’m on uncle duty.”

A second later, Amy came out and took her. “Let Uncle Blake go have his lunch.”

I kinda got the feeling she was giving all us guys some time to talk. At the table, the seat next to Luke was empty, reserved for me. As it usually was over the last ten years, it’d always been me and him.

But it was different now.

As I looked around the table, I had flashbacks of us at sixteen, as scrawny kids with nothing but ambitions and dreams. We were so na?ve back then, ready to conquer the world.

Then I remembered sitting around the table at Maddox’s, wondering if we should quit. Then at Jeremy’s when we’d decided it was time.

And now again, here and now, knowing it was time for a new start.

Luke slid his hand onto my thigh. “You okay?”

I took a deep breath in and exhaled and nodded for him. “Yeah.”

Jeremy cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention. He held up his beer bottle. “We should raise our drinks to these two dickbags for finally, and I mean finally , getting their act together.”

Luke’s cheeks tinted pink. “Uh, thanks.”

I held up my beer. “To the ten years it took for me to realize.”

“You never were that bright,” Wes said to me, and everyone laughed.

I nodded along because he probably wasn’t wrong. Luke slid his hand into mine.

But then Maddox raised his beer. “To new beginnings, wherever, whatever that means.” He grinned at me. “Can’t wait to hear the new music.”

That earned us a few looks. “New music?” Jeremy asked. “How come this is the first I’ve heard of that?”

“Because we’re not sure what we’re gonna do with it yet,” Luke said, looking at me. I gave him a reassuring nod, and he continued. “About the promise we made back when Atrous was starting. We said it was all of us or none of us but—” He looked around the table. “Things are different now.”

“They are,” Wes said. “I can’t go back, sorry.”

“Me either,” Maddox said.

“Yeah, no,” Jeremy said. “I’m out.”

As sad as that was, I was also a little glad.

“I get it,” I admitted. “I really do. But what Luke said is right. Things are different now. For us, anyway. And we don’t know what we’re going to do, or if we’ll do anything. The thing is, we have no company controlling us, no rules. We can do what we want.”

Luke looked at me fondly. “We’re just happy to be writing again.”

“It’s been a while since it was fun, ya know?” I added. “And playing to smaller crowds, like at the airport. Impromptu, like that. It was awesome.”

“Mm,” Steve hummed. “I saw the ‘small’ crowd waiting for you at the airport that I had to get you both out of.”

“The internet still hasn’t recovered,” Roscoe added. “You’ve seen that, right?”

I shrugged. “Uh, not really. I stopped looking at my phone a while ago. I don’t give a crap about that stuff anymore.”

“I can’t wait for you two to go public officially,” Wes said with a grin. “Then you will break the internet. It’ll be mayhem across the Bluke fandom.”

“You’re gonna need security,” Steve said with a shrug. “Sorry.”

Roscoe nodded. “And managers, PAs and PR, legal, and?—”

“Stop, stop,” I put my hand up. “It’s too soon.”

Luke was watching me. “We could write songs for other artists to sing. A production company kinda thing. Or just release songs online. We don’t need the hype, the fame, or the money. We’re just doing it for us, right?”

I grinned at him. “Right. ”

“And if you wanna sing at a bar or something, we can do that in Mexico,” Luke said. “Or wherever we end up buying something.”

I was still grinning at him, still giddy knowing he was mine. “I fucking love you,” I said, leaning over and kissing him.

He blushed scarlet, but he was beaming.

“Ow,” Jeremy muttered. “My eyes.”

I shot him a proud smile. “That’s nothing. You shoulda seen what we did last?—”

“Blake,” Luke cried. “Jesus.”

“Babe,” I said. “Demigod. We’ve been through this.”

Everyone laughed, and Luke sighed. “I can’t believe I wanted this.”

I slung my arm around his shoulder. “You’re stuck with me now.”

“This is awesome,” Maddox said. “I’ve missed this. Just us hanging out. Blake’s right, we need to make time to do this on the regular.”

“Agreed,” Wes said, his eyes darting to mine. “Thanks, Blake.”

Maddox stood up, beer in hand. “So, what do we toast to now? We used to say ‘Atrous forever.’” He shrugged. “That is, it’s still us, even if it’s not.”

We all looked at each other, but no one knew what to say.

I met Maddox’s eyes. “We’ll always be Atrous. Even when we’re not.” Then I looked at Luke. “But the forever part will always be true.”

“Oh god,” Jeremy said. “Someone stop him. He’s gone full-on sap.”

“Shut it, dickbag,” Luke said to him with a laugh. “Leave him alone.”

Everyone laughed, but with my arm around Luke’s shoulder, I pulled him in a bit closer. I got it now. Why Maddox, Jeremy, and Wes were all willing to make a stand for the person they loved. They weren’t giving anything up, but they were prioritizing and putting their own needs first.

I understood now.

But I wasn’t giving anything up. I was gaining so much. I got to do this with my best friend. And just like Madz, Jer, and Wes, they were happy. And that’s what this was about.

Finally being truly, unquestionably happy.

I finally felt content, comfortable in my own skin, and as if, for the first time in my life, I was exactly where I needed to be.

And sitting around the table, eating and laughing with these guys, my arm around Luke’s shoulder, his hand on my thigh, was pretty close to perfect.

“So,” Wes said. “When do we get to hear the new songs?”

Luke laughed and shook his head. “Nah. We haven’t nailed anything down. Just barely notes we scribbled in the beach house in Mexico.”

“Oh, come on,” Maddox said. “We know how it works. Scribbled notes are how every song starts.”

Luke turned to me, nervous but excited, and he shrugged. “I don’t know. What do you think?”

“I’m good with now. If you want?”

His eyes sparkled like sapphires. “Okay.”

“Yes.” Jeremy clapped his hands together as he stood up. “Jam session.” Then he stopped. “After you guys, of course.”

“I thought you said you were done,” I joked.

He stopped. “I’m done... with music, the grind, the fans, and all that bullshit. But this? Jamming with you guys, I’ll wanna do that forever.”

“That’s what we’re talking about,” Luke said gently. “Just doing what we love. Going back to what it was before the machine drove us into the ground.”

“When it was fun,” I added. “That’s what we’re talking about.”

Ten minutes later, we were all piled into the music room. Luke had his guitar, and I sat at the keyboard while everyone else stood around and waited.

Now, we’d done this ten thousand times, probably more.

But this one felt personal.

Luke strummed an intro and I smiled at the song he chose.

I began on the keyboard, and he started to sing.

Soft at first, coercing the lyrics, the emotion.

I joined him at the chorus, then I sang the second verse, and we sang the chorus again.

Luke nailed the bridge a cappella, his powerful voice ringing in the silence before I eased the keys back in.

He sang the final verse, raw and soulful, and I finished with the gentle outro.

And everyone stood there in silence, stunned. Until Jeremy began to smile and Maddox nodded, teary-eyed.

“Holy shit,” Wes whispered. “Guys . . .”

“It’s good,” Maddox said. “Like really freaking good.”

Jeremy held his arm out. “I got goosebumps.”

I looked over at Luke and found his eyes on me. It made my heart knock out of rhythm, and my smile became a grin.

We were really gonna do this.

And I couldn’t freaking wait.