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CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Austin

“You’ve got something… just… no, up a bit.” I wiped the side of my mouth with my thumb, grinning as I watched Kanan trying to mirror me and catch the stray bit of pistachio cream stuck to the dusting of stubble on his top lip.

“Did I get it?”

“No,” I said, reaching across to brush it away. “You’re so messy.”

“You usually like it when I’m covered in cream,” Kanan said with a smirk as he picked up the large cup of tea in front of him and sipped it slowly, making me nearly choke on my own tongue.

“Oh, I see, that’s how it’s going to be.”

“See what? I did nothing.”

I hummed and picked up my own coffee, letting my eyes roam across the garden. We’d gone down to Penny’s to buy breakfast and had debated staying there, but all the little outside tables were full and I was a bit worried about someone recognising Kane and ambushing him while we were trying to eat.

He’d gone for the typical celebrity disguise of a pair of sunglasses and a hoodie, which had made me laugh because it was an old Underground Dreaming tour one, and while it seemed to have worked, he’d also not said much to stop his voice from giving him away. And since we hadn’t actually discussed our relationship, I didn’t want it announced to the world on TikTok before he and I had a chance to get our heads around everything.

So we’d grabbed our croissants and come back to mine to sit in the garden, basking in the morning sunshine like lizards on a rock. It meant we could be ourselves and not worry about anyone sneakily trying to take photos of us or ambushing Kanan while he had pistachio cream all over his face.

I hadn’t done as much with the garden as I had with the house, but I’d taken down the fence between both my garden and the studio house’s garden to open the space up since both of them were pretty small on their own. I’d gotten a nice patio put in to join both together, as well as a hot tub, because it was good to film in if nothing else. There was a small lawn too and some flower beds that were getting a bit overgrown. I needed to hire someone to come in and tidy them up.

“What are you doing on the twenty-fifth?” Kanan asked, putting his tea down and pulling his phone out of the pocket of his hoodie.

“Not sure, why?” I asked, grabbing my own phone and opening up the calendar. There was an entry that said “filming with Theo and Felix?” but I hadn’t reached out to confirm with either of them. Mostly because I’d been so wrapped up in Kanan for the past few days that I’d forgotten. “Might be filming, but I can always rearrange it.”

“I didn’t know if you fancied coming to New York with me?” There was a soft blush across his nose and he wasn’t quite meeting my eyes. For someone who was usually so confident, it was sweet to see him so nervous. “They’re doing a little premiere slash launch event for that new rom com I’m in for Netflix. And I wondered if you… if you’d like to be my date?”

“To the premiere?”

“Well, yeah. There’s no point you coming all the way to New York otherwise.”

I laughed because that was fucking obvious and I didn’t even know why I’d asked. Maybe it was surprise? Had I expected him to want to keep me under wraps? Except… that wasn’t Kanan. This was the man who’d forced his record label to let him come out because he refused to live his life by the rules they’d laid out for him. The man who’d decided he wanted to be an actor and was forging his path through the industry in defiance of everyone’s opinions or expectations for an ex-boy band member.

And even if he’d not always been allowed to live life his way, the older he got, the less he seemed to be taking shit from other people.

It was another reason I was proud of him.

“I’d love to,” I said, reaching across the table to take his hand in mine and squeezing it gently. “Do you want to go full-on relationship hard launch at the premiere? Holding hands, red carpet kiss, the whole nine yards?”

“The hand-holding might be a bit much,” Kane said teasingly, his fingers still interlaced with mine. “People might get the wrong idea.”

I laughed again and tugged him in for a kiss. “That’d be fucking awful.”

“I know, right? They might think I like you.”

“How dare they.”

He grinned against my mouth as I kissed him again. “It’ll be fun,” he said. “I’ll let Miles know so he’s not totally caught out, but he helped Jason Lu with all his coming out stuff, so I don’t think it’ll faze him.”

“Wait, do you share an agent with Henry’s brother?”

“Yeah, because it’s a small world. And I picked Miles deliberately because of what he did for Jason.”

I frowned, racking my brains for information about Jason, but nothing popped up. “You can explain that to me later,” I said, giving him another kiss before sitting back in my chair and reaching for my coffee. It had started to go cold and I was debating being a heathen and warming up the dregs in the microwave. “I’m guessing I’ll need a nice suit for New York? And to book some plane tickets? What about a hotel room?”

“I have a room already booked, so you can stay with me,” Kane said brightly. “And I can give you my flight information if you want to book your own, or I can get you added to my booking.”

“Yeah, that works. I’ll send you all my passport stuff. And just let me know how much I owe you.”

He waved his hand. “It’s fine, trust me. You’re coming as my date. The least I can do is pay for your flight. Especially since it’s such short notice.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” He looked genuinely surprised by my question and it reminded me that we’d never really talked about money before, which was such a rich asshole thing to do I almost snorted. And even though it was obvious that neither of us was hurting for money, it needed to be something we talked about in case one of us had random expectations.

“Okay, we’ll call it even,” I said. “Since coming as your date is going to be such a horrible experience for me.”

He grinned. “I’m sure you’ll suffer through it, especially if there’s a bar at the afterparty.”

“Well, if there’s a bar…”

“I might even put out afterwards. If you’re lucky.”

“I’ll keep my fingers crossed,” I said with a wink before draining the last of my coffee. I tried not to pull a face at how grimly cold it was. “In all seriousness, though, are you sure about going public with everything?”

“Yeah, I am.” He nodded. “I want everyone to know how I feel about you.” A frown folded itself into his forehead as he looked at me. “Are you?”

“Yeah, I mean it’s been a long time coming. But I guess…” I thought for a second, wondering how to put my thoughts into words in a way that didn’t make me sound like a complete wanker. “You’re okay with being in a public relationship with a porn star? Because I’ve never shied away from what I do, and there’s a lot of video evidence of my work all over the internet. It’s not exactly hard to find a picture of my dick. And I want you to know what you’re getting yourself in for. Because people are gonna have opinions, and it’s not going to be pretty. You’re working so hard to carve out this place for yourself, and I don’t want to get in the way of that.”

It was hard admitting that, but if we needed to keep our relationship a secret for a while to keep Kanan’s career safe, then I’d do it. It wasn’t like we hadn’t been doing it for ten years already.

Kanan sighed and looked out at the garden, watching a robin hop across the back wall, a cup of tea clutched in both hands and one leg crossed over the other. “I don’t want to hide,” he said. “I’m not ashamed of you or what you do. And I don’t want you to stop doing what you love either—porn is your thing, and it’s not like you have feelings for the people you work with. It’s just a job, right? The same as if I ever film sex scenes… which I think I’ll have to do for Llewelyn .”

“We can talk about that if you’re nervous,” I said. “I know it won’t be the same as what I do, but I can give you some pointers about feeling comfortable being pretty much naked in front of other people.”

“I’d like that.” He looked over at me and smiled. There was a warmth to it that felt much deeper than casual affection. This wasn’t the start of some new relationship where we were trying things out to see if they worked and whether we’d get on. This was so much more… the solidifying of something we’d known all along but had just fought and denied until we couldn’t run away anymore. “But I mean it, Austin. I want everyone to know about us. We’ve waited for long enough, and I’m not hiding. And if people don’t like it… I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

“As long as you’re sure,” I said, my heart swelling with emotion. I’d never been ashamed of what I did, but I’d always accepted there were a lot of men who wouldn’t want a relationship with me because of it. And to have Kanan accept me meant more than I’d ever imagined. “And you’re sure about the work shit too? You’re happy for me to keep filming. I know we’ve never talked about exclusivity but I always assumed we kind of were? And with my work…”

“I assumed we were exclusive too. I don’t think I could cope with dating you and someone else, far too much stress.” He shot me a teasing wink and grinned. “And yes, of course I’m happy for you to keep filming. Would it be weird if I asked to meet some of your porn friends, though? I know some of them aren’t just guys you work with.”

“Yeah, we can do that.” I grinned and then shook my head with a chuckle. Theo was going to be so fucking insufferable when I told him.

“What?” Kanan asked, tilting his head to one side as he looked at me.

“Just… one of the guys I film with, Theo, he called me out on my shit recently. Told me it was obvious how I felt about you and that I should talk to you… Anyway, he’s going to be so fucking smug when he finds out. And if you think you can be a brat, then Theo’s elevated it to a fucking art form. His boyfriend needs to give him a good spanking, honestly. Although he’d love that, so…” I chuckled again. “You’ll love him, though. He’s sweet as fuck.”

“I can’t wait,” he said and there was a genuine excitement in his voice that made me want to keel over because fuck, could this man get any more perfect? “And the next time you’re in London I’d love to take you out for lunch with Luke.”

“Is that your ex?” I asked with a grin. I remembered Luke from the days when Kanan had snuck out of hotel rooms to be with me just hours after a press event with his supposed boyfriend. I was glad he and Kanan had kept in touch because they’d been good together, even just as friends.

“Yeah. He’s, er, he’s been saying a lot of the same things. And I figured since he used to cover for us, he deserves the chance to gloat a little.”

“Did every other fucker know something we didn’t?”

“Maybe? I think it’s more like we were too stubborn to notice.”

“That’s probably it,” I said. “I’m glad we noticed now, though.”

“Me too,” he said. “Took us long enough.”

I grinned. “Could’ve taken longer if you’d wanted.”

“Nah, this is good.”

We sat in silence for a minute, enjoying the sounds of the garden and life beyond the wall. It was a moment of peace in our otherwise busy lives.

“Show me your suits then,” Kanan said, standing up and holding out his hand to pull me up. “I want to see what options you’ve got.”

“Don’t you trust me to look sexy for you?”

“I do, but I still want to see.”

I grinned and picked up my mug and the empty plates to take them back to the kitchen. “You just wanna see me in my underwear, don’t you?”

Kanan gasped playfully, leaning over to kiss me. “Why would I want to do that?”

“Because you’re a horny bastard who loves looking at my body? You can admit it. I know I’m hot.”

“Hot and an asshole, you’re the complete package!”

I laughed and kissed him again. “Hey, you chose me!”

“I guess I did,” he said with a smile that told me this really was so much more than we’d ever dreamed it could be.