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CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Austin

“Hurry up and get your butt over here, Pendleberry. I want a cuddle.” I threw the duvet back and patted the expanse of empty bed next to me, my eyes fixed on the door of the en suite which had just cracked open. Kane stuck his head through the gap and I bit back a laugh at the green face mask smeared across his cheeks. “Hey, Shrek.”

“Fuck off,” he said with a laugh. “Don’t you know what skincare is?”

“Yeah, but there’s skincare and there’s coming out of my bathroom looking like that.”

“You can have some too if you want. I’ve got a whole tub.”

“No, thanks, I’ll live,” I said. “What’s it even got in it anyway?”

“I don’t know,” Kane said, reaching behind him and producing a large tub with a bamboo lid. It looked like it was filled with slime. “It was part of a routine I was given by a dermatologist.” He peered at the label. “I think it might have avocado in?”

“That’s probably what makes it green.”

“Probably.” He nodded then grinned at me slyly. “At least it’s not pickles. Otherwise you’d lick it off my face.”

I rolled my eyes. “Just because you hate them doesn’t mean everyone else does.”

“Hey, I tried some of yours tonight! They’re still gross,” he said as he disappeared back into the bathroom, letting the door swing open behind him. The bright counter lights bathed him in an almost angelic glow, and from my position in bed I got the perfect view of his whole body. He was completely naked, the last few drops of water from his shower clinging to his thighs. For a moment it caught me off guard because I didn’t think many people had gotten to experience Kane like this: open, relaxed, and wholly himself.

We’d been having too much fun to come home straight after dinner, so we’d ended up wandering around York talking about whatever random shit we fancied until nearly midnight. It had been nice to show off the city I called home—from the majesty of the Minster lit up with floodlights to the cobbled, winding streets of the Shambles—and watching Kane’s face as he took it all in. He’d said at dinner that he didn’t know what normal was, that life for him was always going to be different.

And that was true. But it didn’t mean I couldn’t try and give him a taste of normal now and then.

Even if it meant walking around the city in the dark, like we were the only two people on Earth.

“The rest of the food was amazing, though,” Kane continued as he began to run a flannel under the hot tap. “I’ll be dreaming about that burger for months! And those onion rings. And the fries… just all of it. Thanks for suggesting it.”

“You’re welcome,” I said. “I thought you’d like it.”

“I really did.” He shot me a smile before turning back to the mirror and starting to scrub his face. “You’ll have to take me to more of your favourites. Show me what other secrets you’ve been keeping from me.”

My heart fluttered at the thought. We’d been spending so much more time with each other recently outside of hooking up, and the way we sort of fit together kept surprising me. Kane intrigued me but it was more than that. I wanted to delve into all the pockets of his heart and see what secrets he was keeping, and I wanted to give him all the things he’d never think about doing for himself.

I wanted to give him everything, whether that was my secret list of the best places to get coffee and croissants in every city I’d visited to all the small things about myself I’d never shared with anyone.

I wasn’t sure if this was friendship with benefits or something more, but lying there, watching him scrub the slime-green face mask off his skin, I knew I needed it to be more. Because I couldn’t imagine my life without Kanan in it. It would be like trying to imagine life on Mars—a strange impossibility that only existed in dreams.

“Maybe tomorrow I’ll take you to Penny’s,” I said. “It’s where I got the morning buns, pie, and shortbread. And the sourdough too. It’s only tiny but they do coffee as well and sometimes they put a couple of tables outside if the weather is good. They do these Nutella or pistachio cream stuffed croissants that you’ll love.”

“Seriously?” Kane’s eyes were wide with delight. “I love pistachio.”

“I know. You told me when we were at that party in LA… the one where they had an ice cream bar. You had, like, three fucking bowls of the stuff with melted chocolate on.”

Kane stared at me, water dripping down his stunned expression. “T-That was years ago… we were, what, seventeen? Eighteen? I can’t believe you remembered.”

“Yeah, well, I remember a lot of shit,” I said, my face heating. For a moment I wondered if I should have kept the memory to myself. But then Kane was striding across the room and throwing himself into my arms, kissing me hard as he grasped the sides of my face.

“I remember that night too,” he said quietly. “You had strawberry ice cream and gave yourself brain freeze from that giant milkshake. And then… we snuck out. Went back to your hotel. I think that was the first time you fingered me.”

“I think it was too.”

“What other things do you remember?”

“About that night?” I asked as I kissed him again, pulling his body flush against mine under the duvet. “Or about you?”

“I don’t know,” he said, voice breathless in surprise. Did he really think I didn’t remember everything he’d ever told me? All the small things I’d noticed? The tiny details I’d stitched together in my head over the years that made up the man that was Kanan Pendleberry. “About me?”

“You used to have this shampoo that smelled like coconut and papaya. For ages I thought it was your hair gel or something, but every time I smell any kind of tropical shampoo, I think of you. You have this smile you use with the press but it’s different from your real smile and I know the difference because when you smile at me, you have a dimple on your left cheek. You can’t drink Dr Pepper because it makes you gassy, and you’re the only person I’ve ever met who’d order olives and pineapple on pizza. When you were waiting to go on stage at awards shows, you always used to do this funny little hop and skip on the spot. You’ve never seen Alien but you once told me you could recite the entirety of The Princess Bride from memory. And I recently found out you hate coffee but I know you love tiramisu because you once posted a photo of yourself in Sicily with two of them.”

The words poured out of me and there were so many more I could have said. But I couldn’t say anything else because Kanan was kissing me again, claiming my mouth and moaning breathlessly.

“I can’t believe it,” he said, his words punctuated with more kisses. “How did you remember? Why?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I just did. You’re… special.”

He leant back, looking at me with a soft mouth and a surprised expression. “What do you mean?”

I smiled awkwardly, feeling less than confident for the first time in my life. I knew how I felt, but what if Kanan didn’t feel the same? Although from the look on his face, I didn’t think that was the case. Especially since his semi was digging into my hip.

“You’re special, Kanan. You always have been. You frustrate the fuck out of me sometimes but I’ve never met anyone who challenges me the way you do, who teases me and gets under my skin. You’re the only man I’ve ever met who’ll tell me I’m being a dick and then kiss me until I can’t fucking breathe. God, Kanan, there’s a reason I’ve been obsessed with you for ten years. Why the fuck do you think we’re still doing this? There’s something here. I don’t know what, but I want to find out. Because you make my life exciting, and without you… I’d just be some bastard with a great ass.”

Kane let out a breathless laugh, eyes shining like he was about to cry. I reached up and gently brushed his cheek. “Don’t cry, sweetheart.”

“I’m not crying,” he said. “Fuck, I… you are the most fucking frustrating man I’ve ever met, Austin Carter. You’re arrogant, smug, and so fucking cocky, but you’re also the one man I can be myself around. You always seem to know what I need, even when I don’t. And it feels like every time I start to think I’m drowning, you’re there to pull me out with a wink and that infuriating smile. I never wanted to admit it, but you’re the reason I made it through those last few years in Underground Dreaming. I was so sick of being a poster boy and I hated all the hours on the road… but then you’d pop up and tease me and suddenly I’d remember how to breathe again. Even if it was just so I could tell you that you were being a dick.”

“You know me, kitten,” I said, kissing him again as my mouth curled into that teasing smile he loved. “Always happy to be your bastard in shining armour.”

“My bastard. I like that.” He kissed me and slowly rolled us over so he was lying on top of me, his body falling gently between my thighs. “What does that make me?”

I grinned at him and brushed a stray lock of hair out of his face. “Hmm, I don’t know… my kitten? My brat? My pickle-hating monster?”

He laughed and squirmed as I skimmed one hand up his side, brushing over the ticklish spot under his ribs. “You’re such a prick.”

“I know.” I let my eyes roam over him, drinking in every detail of his beautiful face. I still couldn’t believe he was choosing me. “How about my darling then? My beautiful, sexy, perfect-as-fuck darling.”

He smirked as he leant down to kiss me. “I’m not sure if that’s sweet, sickening, or sarcastic.”

“Definitely the first,” I said. “With a little bit of the other two when I need them.”

“I’ll take that.” His lips brushed against mine and he sighed. “What are we doing, Austin? What is this?”

“Do you need it all spelled out?”

“Maybe? I’m just not sure it feels real.”

“It’s real,” I said. “It’s you and me, together. That’s the important part. The rest of it we can figure out tomorrow. Or the day after. There’s no rush. But whatever this is, I want it with you, Kanan.”

“I love it when you do that,” he said quietly. “Use my real name. Nobody else ever does.”

“Then that’s what you are to me,” I said. “Kanan. The rest of the world can have Jude Kane. I want Kanan Pendleberry.”

“He’s yours,” Kanan said, his lips meeting mine again as he melted into my body.