Page 31 of Cinder & Secrets (Ink & Ashes #2)

Charlotte

I swipe at a tear that trickles its way down my cheek, my gaze focused out the window, to the parking lot beyond, to all the people coming and going with no clue of the pain that’s currently ripping me open from the inside out.

Miscarriage.

The word bounces around in my head.

How did I get pregnant with no period, while on birth control?

It doesn’t make any sense. Then again, if I’m honest with myself, I’m not always the best about taking my pills.

Not that I don’t take them, but I do miss a day here and there.

Even still, I thought I couldn’t get pregnant.

Turns out, I can. I just can’t support a pregnancy, which I already knew.

Although knowing it to be true and actually experiencing it as a reality are two very different things.

And honestly, I just wasn’t ready to feel this.

.. sad. Hidden underneath my grief is also relief.

I’m only nineteen and in no way ready to have a child, but that emotion is hard to grasp through the stark reminder that it won’t matter if I’m ready or not—my body will never allow it.

“Red.” I startle, my gaze crossing the room to find a disheveled River standing in the doorway, his shoulder propped against the doorframe, watching me with dark eyes.

“Hey.” I squirm under his intense gaze, guilt filling me so full it’s a wonder I don’t burst open at the seams.

“How are you feeling?” He pushes away from the door, moving farther into the room.

“Okay, I guess.” Emotion clogs my throat. “Do you know?” My chin quivers as I speak.

He nods slowly and that’s all it takes for the floodgates to open up. I drop my face into my hands seconds before sobs begin to rack my body. I try to muffle the sound, try to hold on to a semblance of control, but it does me no good.

I can’t face him.

Hell, I can’t face myself.

The bed dips beside me seconds before his arms close around me, the warmth of his embrace a stark contrast to the cold seeping from my pores, making me tremble harder.

“It’s okay,” he speaks into my hair, his hold on me tightening. “It’s okay,” he reiterates, rocking softly in a gesture that feels so soothing it only makes me cry harder.

He falls silent next to me, continuing the rocking motion as he gives me the time I need to cry myself dry and then somehow manage to cry a little more.

When I finally lift my head several minutes later, it hurts to open my eyes that feel painfully swollen.

Even still, I manage to find his gaze and hold it, reading all the things he hasn’t spoken but reflect so clearly in his expression.

He’s upset. Of course he is. He has every right to be.

How could I have been so irresponsible? Missing my pills. Going out drinking with no idea that I was carrying his child in my womb. A womb that rejected it before it ever had time to really make a home there.

“I’m so sorry.” I force myself not to look away as I speak.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” He shifts, taking my face in his hands. I have to resist the urge to pull away, sure that I look like death warmed over.

“I have everything to be sorry for,” I disagree.

“These things happen. Accidents happen. You got pregnant. That’s as much my fault as it is yours.” I open my mouth to disagree, but he’s quick to continue. “The miscarriage... Also not your fault.”

“You wouldn’t be saying that if you saw how much alcohol I was pouring down my throat last night,” I say gruffly.

“You and I both know that had nothing to do with it. People drink before they know they’re pregnant all the time. This isn’t your fault. This is a medical condition that you have and you bear no fault in this.”

“But you must be relieved.” I have trouble meeting his eyes, but his hold on my face remains, shifting so that I have no choice but to look at him.

“I won’t lie and say that a part of me isn’t relieved. I am. I’m not ready to be a father any more than you’re ready to be a mother. But I’m also sad. For you. For me. For the child we lost.”

Fresh tears streak past my lashes and fall down my cheeks, joining the many others that have fallen before them.

“You should hate me. You have every right to,” I manage to say.

“I could never hate you, Charlotte.” His eyes rake over my face, hovering over my lips for a brief moment before meeting my gaze once more. “Not when I’m so fucking in love with you it hurts.”

My mouth parts at his admission. My heart beats a new hole in my chest as it pounds erratically.

“You love me?” The words are nothing more than a whisper on my lips.

“More than I ever thought possible...”

“But you left.” I blink.

“I left because I was scared and confused, and I needed time to figure out how I truly felt. But I’m here now, and if you’ll have me, I’m not going anywhere.”

“You want...”

“I want us to be together. For real. Out in the open for all to see. I want to scream my feelings for you from the rooftops. I want to parade you in front of crowds of people, letting everyone see that the most incredible woman in the world is mine . That’s what I came here to tell you.

That’s what I should have told you the second you opened your door this morning. ”

“But what about... What about all the things you said a few months ago? About how this would never work.”

“Fuck what I said. I only said those things because I was trying to keep you at a distance. I knew I was in love with you even then. And I was terrified. Because I knew, deep down, what I know sitting here today—that you have the power to destroy me if you choose to do so.”

“I would never... I love you,” I choke out the words.

“Be with me. Tell me you’ll be mine.”

“I’m already yours. I’ve been yours since the moment we met. You just didn’t know it yet.”

He cuts off anything else I might have said by pressing his mouth to mine.

He kisses me like I’m the sun warming his skin on a summer day.

Like I’m the axis his world revolves around.

Like I am the moon and the stars and the whole universe wrapped up into one.

Like I am everything .

And I kiss him back just the same.

Because he is all those things to me and more.

He is my whole world.

And I will hold on to him with all that I have until my dying breath, and maybe even after...

“Get a room.” We break apart at the sound of Lyric’s voice, my eyes finding hers the instant she steps inside. “Glad to see you two made up.” She smiles, looking between the two of us. “Mind if I have a second alone with my best friend?” she asks, her focus now solely on River.

He nods, releasing his hold on me like it’s the last thing he wants to do. Standing, he leans down and presses a kiss to my forehead.

“I’ll be right outside.”

“Okay.” I smile up at him.

“I love you.” He touches the side of my face and I swear I melt into a liquid puddle.

“I love you.” I rest my hand on his before watching him reluctantly pull away. Turning, he exits the room seconds later.

“Hey.” Lyric moves farther into the space taking the seat next to me that River just occupied. Reaching for my hand, she takes it, closing her fingers around mine.

“Hey.” I blow out a slow breath.

“How are you?”

“Better now,” I admit. The pain isn’t gone, not by a long shot, but instead of feeling like I’m drowning, I’m now floating on top of the water, letting the tide slowly pull me to the shore.

“So that”—she gestures behind her to where River just exited the room—“looks like you two are figuring things out.”

“We are.” I smile, and despite everything, it’s genuine. “He wants to be together. Like together, together.”

“Of course he does.” She sighs, like that much has been obvious all along. “I knew that from the moment I saw his face when he heard you tell me you were in love with him. And I also knew he’d come around... eventually.”

“And you’re okay with this... I mean, me and River?”

“Are you kidding? I love it. So long as you two don’t break up and make things extremely awkward for me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“How are you feeling?” She reminds me why I’m sitting in a hospital bed, and I grimace, the reality of what’s happened today returning with a vengeance.

“I’m okay,” I lie. I’m not even a little okay, but I know I will be. Eventually.

“Why didn’t you tell me about your tumor?”

“It’s not something I like to make public knowledge. It’s really not that big of a deal, but I feel like people always treat me differently once they know.”

“I would never treat you differently.”

“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry about a lot of things.”

“Don’t do that. You’ve had a hell of a day. Don’t drag yourself further through the mud on my account. I love you and I don’t care if there are certain aspects of your life that you chose not to share with me, as long as you know that you can.”

“I do.”

“Now, is there anything I can do for you? Anything that you need?”

“No. I just want to get out of here.”

“The doctor said a couple of hours.”

I give her a questioning look.

“I told him I was your sister.” She grins.

“You are my sister,” I tell her, squeezing the hand she’s holding.

“And you are mine.” She pulls me into a hug. “Just promise me you won’t lie to me again. I can’t be there for you in the way I should be if I don’t know what’s going on.”

“No more lies,” I promise as she releases me.

“What the fuck!” We both startle as Maisie enters the room, still in her soccer uniform, strands of hair falling out of her messy ponytail.

She lets out a visible sigh of relief when she sees me sitting up in bed.

“You bitch!” She points a finger at me, stomping toward me and Lyric.

“Do not ever do that to me again.” She throws her arms around my neck with so much force I tip backward before being able to right myself again.

“I was so worried about you.” She squeezes so hard I struggle to breathe.

“What are you doing here?” I ask once her hold on me slackens.

“Lyric told me. I came as soon as I saw her text. I thought you went for a walk or something when you never came back to the room. I had no idea...” She releases me, straightening to her full height. “So you’re okay then?” She gives me a long once-over.

“I’m okay.”

“What happened? Why are you here?”

“Um, you might want to sit down,” Lyric tells her.

Maisie crosses to the other side of the small bed, squeezing in next to me on the opposite side as Lyric, who angles her body so we’re all sitting in a semi-circle on the bed.

“Okay, now spill.”

I spend the next several minutes explaining everything to Maisie. The tumor. Me fainting. The baby. By the time I’m done, she looks a bit shell-shocked but also a little sad.

“Is there anything I can do?” It’s the first question that leaves her mouth.

“Yeah. You can not treat me differently. I’m not made of glass. And while, yes, I’m a bit of an emotional wreck at the moment, I will get through it. But only if you two don’t tiptoe around me and make me feel like I’m damaged somehow.”

“I can do that.” Maisie nods. “And River?” She tilts her head toward the hall.

“He knows.” I nod. “And he knows the baby was his.”

“So are you two...”

“Officially together,” Lyric announces with glee.

“Oh, thank fuck.” Maisie lets out a long exhale. “I wasn’t sure I could take much more of your ass moping around the room like a lost little puppy.”

“I did nothing of the sort,” I argue, even though I know that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.

At least she’s doing as I ask and not treating me with kid gloves.

“Bullshit.” She snorts out a laugh. “How is he handling all this?” All traces of humor are gone in an instant.

“Better than I expected,” I admit. “I think he feels kind of like I do. Sad but also a little relieved.”

“I can imagine.”

“Maybe one day...” Lyric adds softly.

“Unlikely, given everything. But hey, there’s always adoption.”

“There you go. Or there’s always surrogacy,” Maisie adds on. “I would totally be pregnant for you.”

“No, you wouldn’t.” I bark out a laugh, the feeling foreign against my throat.

“I totally would.” She seems mildly offended.

“How about we cross that bridge when we get there.” Lyric offers with a smile.

“Knock. Knock.” We all three look to see River once again standing in the doorway, his muscular frame damn near filling the entire entryway. “Mind if I have a few minutes alone with my girl?”

My girl... I bite down on my tongue to keep the squeal I feel coming up my throat from spilling out of my mouth.

How can I feel so sad and yet so insanely happy in the same breath?

“By all means.” Maisie is the first to stand, leaning down to kiss the side of my head. “Love you, girl.”

“I love you,” I tell her, turning my attention to Lyric. “You’re not leaving, are you?”

“I’ll be in the waiting room until they release you,” she reassures me, squeezing my hand one last time as she stands.

I watch my two best friends exit the room, Lyric stopping for a brief moment to squeeze River’s arm before disappearing into the hallway behind Maisie.

“You look a little better.” He smiles softly.

“I feel a little better,” I admit.

“When they release you, I want you to come stay at the hotel with me.”

“You got a hotel?”

He nods slowly.

“I just booked it. Not a chance in hell I’m going back to North Carolina right now, and no offense, but I have no desire to sleep in that tiny bed of yours. I got us a king bed. We can lie in bed and watch movies. Soak in the bath. Order room service.”

“That all sounds incredible.” I reach for him and he’s quick to close the distance between us.

“We’ll get through this. One day at a time,” he reassures me.

“One day at a time,” I agree, losing my breath when he lowers his mouth to mine.

“I hope you’re ready for this, Red. Because there’s not a chance in hell you’re getting rid of me now.”

I wrap my hands around the back of his neck and deepen the kiss.

I guess it’s a good thing I don’t want to , I think but don’t say...