Page 15 of Chasing Shelter (Sparrow Falls #5)
TRACE
As I stepped back inside, I heard Lolli’s and Keely’s voices from upstairs.
A pang ricocheted through my chest as Lolli voiced a character in one of Keely’s books—the same way my mom had when times were good.
I battled to carry all the things about my mom.
The grief at everything I’d lost. The anger at all she’d thrown away.
Instead, I shoved it all down. If I didn’t think about the good, I wouldn’t have to think about the bad.
I headed into the living room, picking up behind Tornado Keely.
She was pretty good at doing basic tidying after a play session, but there were always things she didn’t notice.
A forgotten doll behind a chair. Another doll’s missing shoe waiting to permanently damage my bare foot in the morning.
Crayons shoved between couch cushions. A half-finished drawing she’d dropped beside the television.
By the time I’d picked everything up and took stock of the space, I felt a little more in control. Memories of my mom had been shoved into the box I never opened, and Ellie’s scent had begun to dissipate.
Crossing to the kitchen, I opened the dishwasher. Not half bad. I rearranged a few things, put in a soap packet, and started it up. The image of Ellie shrieking as she tried to escape the water flashed in my mind, as did the feel of her pressed against me.
Hell.
I reached for the cleaning spray under the sink and grabbed a few paper towels.
“I do that bad a job with cleanup?” Lolli asked as she strode into the space.
I sprayed the countertop. “You did fine.”
She was quiet for a moment, just watching me. “Even as a kid, you attacked problems this way. If something was bothering you, you’d clean your room, work on tack in the barn, or straighten Nora’s pantry.”
I tried not to let her assessment get under my skin, but it was damn near impossible. I knew it was me searching for control, a quest to be nothing like my birth parents. But I didn’t need the rest of the world to be quite so aware.
“Or maybe I just want to make sure there’s no salmonella on the counters,” I shot back.
Lolli scoffed. “You could do surgery on those countertops.”
She was probably right.
“So,” she continued, “how was your evening stroll?”
I sent her a sidelong glance. “You’ll be relieved to hear it was Sasquatch-free.”
“Can’t be too careful,” Lolli said with a grin. “You should take that girl to dinner.”
My hand stilled on the granite for a moment before I kept cleaning the invisible specks of dirt. “That’s the last thing either of us needs.”
“Why’s that?” Lolli challenged.
“Because Ellie just got out of an engagement, and I need someone more…even-keeled.”
I felt Lolli’s eyes bore into me and fought the urge to squirm.
“I always thought you were the smart one, but maybe you just hide your stupid with quiet rule-following.”
I turned to face my grandma and glared at her. “There’s a rule about name-calling in this house. ”
“If the shoe fits…”
“Lolls,” I said with a sigh. “Ellie’s great. Keely adores her, and I’m all about them being friends. I’ll be her friend. But you know what I came from. I need something a little more predictable than what she’s offering.”
Ellie didn’t have the first clue what she wanted, and getting on a train without a known destination wasn’t in the cards for me.
Lolli’s eyes narrowed. “Because that worked out so well for you last time?”
She didn’t mean the words as a slap, but they were all the same. A reminder of the failure I already had on my record. “That has nothing to do with why my marriage failed.”
Lolli’s shoulders slumped. “It’s not a failure. How can it be when you two created that beautiful girl upstairs? But you and Leah were never meant to be.”
No, we weren’t. I’d thought I was making the right decision, the smart play.
I’d met Leah in college. She was serious, had a plan for her life, one I’d fit neatly into at first. But after Keely came along, it was like neither of us knew what to do.
We’d checked all the items off our list and were simply co-existing.
But I hadn’t expected her to cheat on me.
I scrubbed harder at the granite as if I could clear away those memories along with the invisible grime.
“Trace,” Lolli said softly. “Love isn’t something you can play safe. It doesn’t work that way. You want the good stuff, you gotta take risks.”
“I’ve got a daughter to consider.”
“Yes, you do. And I like to think you want to teach her to reach for the stars.”
I did want that. I just wanted her to do it safely, responsibly, and with as little risk as possible. I tossed the paper towels and washed my hands. “It’s not as simple as that.”
“It could be,” Lolli argued. “You just have to make the leap.”
Jumping off cliffs without a parachute was Lolli’s thing.
Or maybe Cope’s before Sutton and Luca came into his life.
But I would never take those sorts of risks.
I opened a cabinet to get a glass and stilled.
Where the glasses should have been, there were bowls on one side and plates on the other, all stacked off-kilter. “What did you do, Lolli?”
She cackled. “Oh, honey. That wasn’t me.”
An image of Ellie’s mischievous smile flashed in my mind. Her threat to get me back. That little fire starter .
Lolli knocked her shoulder into my arm. “Tell me again how she isn’t exactly what you need.”
I leaned back in my chair, the text on the computer screen swirling as a headache pulsed behind my eyes—eyes that burned from a lack of sleep.
I reached for the eye drops on my desk and put two in each eye.
It took the edge off, but not enough. And it sure as hell didn’t erase the images of Ellie swirling in my mind since last night.
My phone dinged, pulling me out of my personal torture. I swiped it off my desk to read the notification.
Kye has changed the group name to Tyrant Trace’s Victim Support Group.
I scowled at my device.
Me
What did I ever do to you?
Kye
Narced on me for sneaking out junior year.
Cope
I mean, he reported me to Mom for throwing that party while she was gone, but it seems a little long to hold a grudge.
Kye
I just thought it was time to bring our wounds out into the open since he’s still trying to rule with an iron fist.
Annoyance and amusement flared as my fingers flew across the screen.
Me
You’re alive thanks to my narcing on you. You could say thank you.
Kyler had gotten mixed up with some seriously bad people in his teen years, and it had taken Nora, Lolli, and a family friend who was a sheriff to get him out of it without jail time or worse.
Kye
I was grounded for six months.
Rhodes
For the amount of gray hair you gave Nora, it should’ve been a year.
Fallon
This still isn’t funny. Too soon.
Kye
Sorry, Fal.
She’d taken that period of time the hardest, and while Kye could make light of it now, I wasn’t sure she ever would.
Fallon
You’re not, but you will be when my next glitter bomb detonates.
Kye
Cruel and unusual punishment.
Fallon
Mess with the bull and get the horns.
Shep
What did Trace do to bring on your wrath, anyway?
I wanted to know. I hadn’t blown his cover for family dinner recently. Hadn’t reported any reckless behavior to Nora or Fallon.
Kye
Nothing. I just heard from a birdie that Ellie rearranged his cabinets and wanted to give him shit.
“Lolli,” I gritted out. Of course, she’d instantly gossiped with Kye. Those two got up to more trouble than the rest of my family combined.
Me
You know my lockup is looking pretty empty…
Kye
You’re going to put Ellie in jail for messing with your control-freak organizational system?
Me
No, I’m coming for you for starting this.
Arden
I knew it would be good to have Ellie next door to you.
I let out a low growl.
Cope
Remember how he had to sort all his Halloween candy before eating it?
Shep
It’s all fun and games until you try to swipe one of his KitKats and ruin his color palette.
Arden
Hey, an artist’s vision is important.
Shep
He replaced my Oreo filling with toothpaste as payback. Now, is that called for?
Me
I hate you all, and this chat is going on Do Not Disturb.
Texts came through in a flurry as I toggled off the alerts.
Arden
Smart.
Cope
You love us.
Kye
We keep you from being boring as hell.
Fallon
Want me to glitter bomb Kye for you?
A knock sounded on my open door, and I looked up as I locked my phone. Gabriel didn’t wait for a sign to enter—he rarely did. He simply strode in and shut the door. “You look like hell.”
“Gee, thanks,” I muttered.
Gabriel laughed. “You want me to lie to you?”
I scrubbed a hand over my face. “Might be nice once in a while.”
“Gotta get yourself a different bestie, then.”
“What are we, five?”
Gabriel just grinned at me. “I could make you a friendship bracelet.”
The image of Ellie giving Keely one of her bracelets flashed in my mind. The way she’d so easily slipped it off her wrist to make my daughter feel accepted and appreciated.
“What is it?” Gabriel pushed.
Hell. I needed to watch myself. Around everyone, but with Lolli and Gabriel especially.
Lolli because she saw sex everywhere, and Gabriel because he hadn’t risen through the ranks of law enforcement for no reason—despite how much of a jokester he was.
He had an expert read on people and paid attention to every hint and clue.
I shook my head and leaned back in my chair. “Nothing. You hear any updates on the vehicle that threw the egg at Ellie? ”
Gabriel’s grin was back, only wider this time. “You’re taking a real personal interest in this one, huh?”
I glared at the friend I’d known for half my life. “She’s my neighbor, and she’s going to be family.”
“I don’t know, T. I hear she’s been wearing too many of your shirts to be considered family .”
The image of her in my Mercer County Sheriff’s Department shirt with her bare legs and wet hair filled my mind. It wouldn’t have mattered if the whole house had been burning down around us. All I would’ve seen was her.