Page 27 of Breaking Through the Doubt (Espen Jetties #4)

27

LESLIE

I used to be able to block out what I was thinking, to focus solely on the game. More and more, I let my thoughts and emotions follow me onto the ice. My playing suffered for it. Coach must have seen it in me tonight and decided to put in another goalie. I wasn’t even upset about it. All I could think about was what happened before I left and how I wanted to be home with Corey. Telling him that over the phone wasn’t ideal so I’d kept it to myself and kept our conversations short, which fucking sucked.

God, I missed him. There was a pain in my chest whenever I thought of him. It was quickly engulfed by how awful I felt over giving his mother and those men money. Fuck, I was stupid, but when I thought of it, I would have done the same thing again. She was hurt. I wanted to help.

“Come on,” Jansen said, looping his arm through mine, pulling me toward the elevators in the hotel.

“What are you doing?”

“You obviously have something weighing you down. I told D I’d talk to you to give him the night to hang out with King, Hayes, and Nordin.”

“I’m not sure I—”

He stopped and turned toward me as the doors opened. “I’m sorry. Did I give you the option of not going with me?” He didn’t let me finish. Grabbing my arm again, he pulled me into the elevator and hit the button for the floor we were staying on.

My lips pressed closed, even after we were in his room and he gave me the menu. Stomach churning, I wasn’t sure if eating would do me good. If I didn’t order, Jansen would make a fuss over it, so I picked something lighter than normal.

Once he placed the call, we sat on one of the beds in his room. “Okay, out with it.”

“I really don’t—”

He placed his hand on my knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I know what it’s like to keep things inside. Talking about it will make you feel better. I won’t breathe a word of what you tell me. Promise.”

“It’s not that. I know you won’t tell anyone. It’s just… I don’t look great in this story.” We’d talked repeatedly about what we were going through but this, this was personal and it had to do with Corey’s mother. Jansen wouldn’t tell a soul. Still, voicing what happened wasn’t easy.

“I’m here for you. No matter what.”

“It’s not only about me, but something that happened to me and another. It’s a lot and none of it is good.”

“Did you kill anyone?”

I reeled back. “What? No. Why would you ask that?”

“Just checking if I had to find a way to keep you out of prison.”

“Is paying someone who’s blackmailing you illegal?”

Jansen’s eyes went wide. “Start from the beginning.”

I told him about the day and how we went to Corey’s shop so he could tattoo me again. The guys had already seen it and loved the work. Some were even thinking about getting ink of their own. Then I had to tell Jansen about Corey’s mother and how she was far from what a parent should be.

“When Corey was tattooing me, she showed up at the door,” I said. “Fuck, she looked awful. There was no doubt she was either on something or coming down from a high. She’d been using for so long. You hear stories about people using and what it does to their bodies, but to see it wasn’t easy. And that was just me. I saw the way it tore Corey apart. I wanted to shield him from her, tell him it was okay, but I couldn’t. How could it be okay when she obviously didn’t give a shit about him, and only came around when she wanted money?”

“Damn,” Jansen muttered. “I feel terrible for him.” He shook his head.

For Jansen and me, it was unfathomable to think of a mother doing that. We were both close with our families and looked forward to seeing them. Corey didn’t have that with his mother. At least he had his father.

“That’s not the worst of it,” I said.

He raised an eyebrow.

“When I left the shop, Corey and I went our separate ways due to where we were parked. As I was walking to my truck, I heard crying. In the alley was Corey’s mother. She was bruised, obviously had been just hit but I didn’t see anyone else right away. It didn’t take long for a guy to show up. He hurt her again. It was more than I could take so I fought him.”

“I don’t blame you. I would have done the same thing.”

“Yeah, but would you have done what I did next? I got him knocked out on the ground, still breathing, but at least he was down. There was another guy there I didn’t see until it was too late. He got it all on video with his phone.”

Jansen gasped. “No.”

“She was by his side. They asked for money in exchange for not leaking the video. Then when I didn’t answer fast enough, he put a knife to her throat and threatened to kill her.”

“Holy shit. What did you do?”

“I didn’t have long to think about it. I paid them. I didn’t know what else to do. Her being murdered wasn’t an option. That was Corey’s mother. And if that video got out, it would have been out of context to paint me in the worst light. Plus, I wouldn’t want the world to know about Corey’s mother like that. I did what I thought was the right choice in the moment.”

“But now?”

“I wonder if they played me, and I created a bigger problem.”

Jansen leaned back onto his hands. He was about to talk but the food showed up, so he went to let them in. The room was silent while she was there and after she was gone. What could I say? The decision was done and over with. Now I wondered if Jansen was judging me though.

“Hey,” he said, sitting beside me again. “I would have done the same thing. You were stuck in an impossible position. You did what you thought was the best option.”

“I could have called the cops.”

“When you were seeing if she was okay or when the guy confronted you? How about when he swung first? It seems like everything happened so fast you didn’t get much time to react. At least you didn’t kill him.”

“No, but what if they pull this shit again?”

“Don’t fall for it a second time. Call the cops right away. I’d tell you to just get in your car, call, and leave, but I don’t think I’d be able to not help if it were me. Did you tell Corey?”

I shook my head. “I’m a fucking coward. What if I tell him and he leaves me?”

“I know you don’t want to hear this but if he leaves, then let him. He has to process what you tell him”

“He’d be justified. I gave in to the blackmail.”

“Corey can feel whatever he wants. He might be hurt or upset, but you have to tell him, so he understands your side. He’s already aware of the whole fighting thing and everyone being on your ass about it. This won’t come as a shock to him that you’d want to keep it from getting out. While he doesn’t like his mother, and rightfully so, he can’t expect you to stand by while she’s hurt.”

“I need to talk to him.”

“Don’t put it off once you get home. Meet up with him in private and tell him. The longer you keep it from him, the worse it will get. Plus, if she sees him again and tells him what happened before you do, he’ll be pissed you didn’t let him know first.”

I scrubbed a hand over my face, dread sitting heavy in my stomach. Jansen was right. It didn’t make the idea of telling Corey any easier.

We moved to the table to eat. I picked at my food, eating a few bites. My stomach was a mess. Jansen changed the subject to try to get me to laugh. I did but didn’t really feel it.

By the time we were done, I figured I’d already confessed a lot, why not tack some more on.

“Another thing,” I said.

“What’s up?”

“I’m going to retire at the end of the season.”

He paused, wiping his mouth with the napkin. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you think about it? Like really, really think about it?”

“I have. No one on the team knows I made the decision yet. Devon knows I’m considering it. I did tell Corey.”

“Wow.” He finally wiped his mouth and dropped the napkin to the table. A slow grin spread over his lips. “I’m the first on the team to know you decided for certain. The guys are going to be so jealous you told me before them.”

I raised my eyebrows. “You’re not going to try to talk me out of it?”

“Do you want me to? You said you’ve thought about it. You wouldn’t have brought it up if you weren’t serious. Besides, your heart isn’t in it this year. I thought maybe you were just slowing down, your body tired from years of playing.”

“That’s part of it. I’ve done everything I set out to do. I want to move on with my life. Start a new chapter. See what’s out there for me.”

“But you’re not going to stop talking to all of us, right? I don’t want to have to get clingy. It won’t go over well. Plus, Stephen might have something to say about me wanting to hang out you with all the time. It’ll be a delicate balance.”

For the first time all day, a real smile lifted my lips. I could picture Jansen becoming like that, although he’d have nothing on King. He’d be the one who’d take it the worst. I didn’t look forward to telling him. King was a family man through and through. He’d want to make sure I wasn’t going anywhere, like back to Pittsburgh. While I would keep my place there, I wanted to stay where I lived now. At least for the time being. I couldn’t predict where the future would take me.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I said. “Especially not if Corey and I get through this latest shitstorm.”

Jansen clasped me on the shoulder. “You will. Corey’s a good guy, who sees the real you. He sees the man we know and love. He’ll understand why you did it.”

I hoped so. If he didn’t, it would gut me. Hell, it already was. Maybe some of the weight would lift once Corey knew. If not, that was on me. I was the one who agreed to handing over the money. I should be the one to carry the cost of my actions.

This season had been a roller coaster of emotions, and I still had much more of it to go. Between playing, trying to be better about not fighting, and making the decision to retire, it was a hell of a lot. More than that, I found Corey. I was so damn in love with him. If he didn’t hate me for what I did, if he didn’t walk away, I’d tell him how I felt. Until then, I needed to stop shutting him out over the phone. It wasn’t right to make him feel bad for something I did. It wasn’t his fault. Until we could talk face-to-face, I’d take his sweet words over the phone.