Page 14 of Breaking Through the Doubt (Espen Jetties #4)

14

COREY

The look of anguish that took over every feature of Leslie’s face hit me directly in my chest, like the physical force of the punch he leveled on the homophobic asshole at the bar. Phones were facing us from every direction.

Knowing our night was over, I dropped twenty bucks on the table and looped my arm through Leslie’s. We hadn’t yet ordered but I felt bad for the waiter and the tip he probably lost on our table. It would be a while before the chaos died down enough to get everyone seated again.

Not that I gave a damn what the other people in the room did. My only concern was getting Leslie out of there. He hadn’t moved since he snapped out of the rage he’d been in when he goaded the guy into hitting him.

With my arm tightly through his, I turned him around and walked him out the front door. Some of the people on the street had obviously already seen video of the fight on social media. There were people outside of the restaurant with either their phone pointed in our direction, or they were whispering to their friends and pointing at us.

Never in my life had there been such a laser focus on me and what I was doing. It was disconcerting, to say the least, but I tried to push it out of my head and remind myself that getting to the car was the prize. Once we were in my SUV, we’d be out of the limelight, away from prying eyes.

Leslie still hadn’t said a word, even as I heard footsteps on the pavement behind us. It amazed me what people were willing to do to get a little bit of fame on the internet, including chasing down a man who had obviously made a mistake he regretted. Could they not see the disappointment and self-loathing all over his face?

It didn’t matter to them the athletes who represented their cities had feelings and emotions. Anything to get a picture. Anything to get attention on themselves.

I sped up my pace, tugging the keys from my pocket on the way to the car. As soon as we reached the passenger side door, I pressed the button to unlock it and opened the door. In a daze, Leslie climbed in with a little help from me.

I didn’t waste any time shutting the door and darting around the front of the car to the driver’s side. As soon as the door closed behind me, I breathed a sigh of relief. The cameras wouldn’t bother to follow us when we left. With no cars blocking the path in front of me, I threw the car into drive and sped off, cutting off the car behind me.

Horns blared; I just didn’t give a fuck. Getting Leslie home was my only priority at the moment. I watched him from the corner of my eye. He hadn’t moved or said a single word. He sat there, staring out the window. Even if I couldn’t see his eyes in the dark vehicle, I could see the pain etched in every feature of his body.

I watched as he flinched when a sound came from his phone. He didn’t bother to answer it or check to see who had messaged him. At least, I guessed it was a message. He might have had his social media accounts set to notify him when he was tagged in a post or comment. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be anything good, based on his expression alone.

We made it to my place quickly. For the briefest of moments, I thought about letting him get into his car and drive home. As quickly as the thought came, I pushed it away. Leslie was entirely too upset, and I wouldn’t let him go home like that. I couldn’t let him suffer alone.

Instead, I decided to take him to my place. Once we pulled into the lot and I figured people would finally leave him alone for the night, I turned to look at him.

“Leslie, what can I do to help?”

He didn’t even answer. Never acknowledged I said anything. He seemed to be frozen.

Wanting to be a source of comfort when he was ready, I helped him from the car and took him inside, pushing the button for my floor. The elevator was quiet when the doors opened, and we stepped inside. The only sound in the car was my racing heart. I was sure if Leslie hadn’t been trapped in his own misery, he would hear it echoing off the walls.

The elevator doors dinged, and I led him out onto the floor and down the hall to my apartment. We reached the door, and I asked anyone who was listening to send the Leslie from an hour ago back to me. The one who didn’t have any worries. The one whose warm hands gripped my hips tightly between his hands.

I led him inside and shut the door behind me.

* * *

Leslie hadn’t moved an inch since I’d brought him into my apartment and sat him down a little bit ago. His entire body rigid, his spine so straight I was afraid he would snap in half if I moved him in any way.

His eyes were focused on the blank screen in front of him. I’d barely turned on a light in the living room before checking on him. The defeat in those light-brown orbs made my heart ache. I wanted to find a way to help him. A way to bring him back from what looked like the brink.

When he continued to sit still, I got up and went to the kitchen, hoping maybe a glass of water would help. Honestly, anything to break the trance. All the nights on the phone did not prepare me for this. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I wanted to help him in a way no one else could, except I didn’t know how to break through his walls.

I filled two glasses of water and brought them to the living room, where Leslie still sat, his gaze focused on absolutely nothing. He swallowed hard, his eyes becoming glassy. I sat down next to him, but not too close as to startle him.

I held out the glass. “Do you need water?

Unlike the other questions I asked him in the car when he didn’t respond at all, this time, he turned and looked right at me. For a moment it seemed like he was looking right through me. Not really seeing me. Then his gaze came into focus and a long mournful sigh passed over his lips.

“What is it? Is there anything I can do to help?”

He was still quiet, but this time he reached out and wrapped his fingers around mine. We sat there; hands held tight. I realized that patience was what he needed. He would open up and tell me when he was ready to talk.

I continued to hold his hand, offering the comfort he needed, and stared across the room, waiting.

“I have a terrible track record and didn’t do my best last year.”

I tightened my grip on his hand and turned him to face me. “What do you mean, you didn’t do your best?”

I had a feeling he was referring to the fights. To the times, like tonight, where people pushed and pushed him until his fuse blew. There was only so much he could take. Hell, he was only human.

“Fighting, drinking, fighting on the ice too. I should have had better control.” He ran his other hand through his hair, gripping it tightly at the end before dropping his hand back into his lap.

“I’ve seen some of the videos and it was like tonight where people push, trying to get a rise out of you, but you’ve always been defending someone else. Someone who couldn’t defend themself.”

He dropped back against the couch and closed his eyes. “More than half of those fights happened because I was drinking. Because I couldn’t control my temper and keep it together long enough to walk away. One wrong word and I was off.”

I leaned back so I could look him in the eye. “But I haven’t seen you drink since we met. Even that night at O’Malley’s, you didn’t order a drink.”

He opened his eyes and looked at me. “I had to stop drinking to stop fighting. I had to break the habit. It was a clean break, and one that’s been working well until tonight.”

“I feel like I’m prying into your personal life right now.”

He lightly caressed my cheek. “You’re not. I want to tell you, so you understand. I should have explained sooner.”

“Explained what? Talk to me, Leslie.”

He glanced up, like he was trying to find the courage to admit whatever he wanted me to know. “The drinking.”

“Some people want to drink, others don’t. It doesn’t matter to me.”

“It does to me. You should know who you’re dating. Drinking helped numb some of my pain. It kept me out of my head and not focused on what was going on inside me. My friends were finding love, while all I found were men who wanted to fuck me. No one saw me as more than that. No one bothered to look deeper to see the person I was inside. Instead, I was on the outside looking in when I spent time with my friends.”

“They’re your friends. I’m sure they didn’t want you to feel left out.”

He shook his head. “No, they never would. D is amazing and always there for me. So are King and Hayes. I talked to Jansen quite a bit over the summer. I have good relationships with them, but they’re moving on with their lives while I’m standing still. I know hockey so I still played well, if I took out the hair-trigger temper that is. But everything else was spinning out of control. It took the summer in Pittsburgh and spending time with family for me to get my shit together. For me to realize how fucked up I was.”

He sucked in a breath, and I reached for the glass of water, offering him some before he continued. He took the water from my hand and drank some of it. He handed the cup back to me.

“Better?”

“No, but thank you. Tonight… Well, I fucked up. I’m going to have my ass handed to me in the morning.”

“They can’t be pissed at you for defending someone against a homophobic asshole.”

“No, not for that. For getting in the guy’s face, for hitting him back. That’s on me, and what they’ll focus on.”

“Your emotions were high. You were upset.”

“I wasn’t numb. I felt it all. And those words the guy was spewing, that hatred, I will never understand why people behave that way. Why they care how someone else dresses or who they love. What the fuck kind of world are we living in? But all that aside, what am I doing with my life? This isn’t a singular problem. The drinking, yeah, I’m done. But I’m still fighting. I still feel adrift.”

“Have you considered it’s because you’re still not talking to someone?”

“I don’t want to see a therapist. Talking to you was a big step for me.”

I rubbed my thumb along the top of his hand to soften the blow a bit. “We’ve never talked like this before. We did the getting to know you talking, not the ripping the bandage off and letting it all out.”

He chuckled but there wasn’t any humor to it. “You sure you still want to date me?”

“You don’t have to worry about me. Nothing you could say could scare me away. I’m here because I want to see where this goes. We all have scars. It’s what we do with them that matters.”

Leslie snuggled into my side. Not for the first time, I realized just how much I wanted him to be mine.

All mine.