Page 15 of Breaking Through the Doubt (Espen Jetties #4)

15

LESLIE

Usually, I looked forward to showing up at the arena. To putting on my uniform and lacing up my skates. To doing all the rituals I found an immense comfort in. Today, I was ready to turn around and hightail it right back out the door.

Kasper texted me early this morning and told me to meet him here an hour before practice. He was always here, a workaholic like the rest of us. But he was also one of us. Not just the team owner. Kasper got in the thick of it. He cheered for our wins and felt our losses. More than that, he was someone we could lean on personally.

Not that I did. I was afraid of him currently. Kasper had a commanding presence. And he could get rid of me. Players were traded. But this… The Jetties were family. I didn’t want to leave here. At least, not like that. Retirement was one thing. Being traded to another team where I’d have to move, get to know them, and leave my friends behind, that didn’t sound appealing in the least.

Those were fears others had, not just me. When you settled in a place, bought a house, made the city your own, having to uproot what you’d built wasn’t exciting. Sure, being traded was for the best sometimes. I had no desire to leave Espen though. Not with my family in the next state over and all the friends I’d made. Plus, I couldn’t keep Corey out of the equation. How many men would do what he had? Would make sure I was okay and not judge or chastise me for what happened? Corey cared about me, and damn, I was starting to care about him too. More than I could think about since I was walking into the lion’s den.

I got to Kasper’s office and was told to go right in. His office was a large, open space. Bookshelves lined one wall. The other had a door which led to a bathroom. This was Kasper’s domain and he had everything he needed in here. The whole arena was his, but this was where he spent most of his time.

He didn’t stand when I entered the room, just motioned for me to have a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk. Tall windows were at his back, but the sight outside and the dark clouds brewing for a storm had nothing on the look in Kasper’s eyes.

His blond hair was neatly styled, always trimmed, always impeccable. It was rare any of us saw him ruffled without everything in place. His suit jacket was off, and he had his soft blue button-down done all the way up with a navy tie around his neck.

Other teams might have had the coaches talk to me and they still would. Devon as well. But Kasper no doubt wanted to know what happened.

Folding his hands on the desk, his eyes met mine, waiting for me to sit. “You know what this is about, right?” he asked.

I swallowed and nodded; no words able to come out.

“So, I don’t need to show you the video footage all over the damn internet of you getting into a fight in a fucking bar?” He wasn’t yelling, but his voice was steadily raising. “Dammit, I thought we were past this?”

“We are,” I said, finally getting my mouth to work. “I wasn’t drinking.”

“Don’t give me your lies.”

“I’m not lying. I have no reason to. You’d be able to look at me and see if I was hungover. More than that, I didn’t sway or slur my words on the video.” I hadn’t seen the footage, couldn’t bring myself to watch it. But I was sober. “I’m sure the video didn’t catch what started it all. How the guy was being a bully to someone smaller than him. I couldn’t sit there and let it happen. You wouldn’t have if you were there.”

“Leslie, I wasn’t there so I couldn’t have known. Just what I saw, what the whole fucking world saw. Too many have watched it by now.”

“Do you believe me though?”

He sighed and leaned back. “Yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that you fought again. There are other ways to solve things outside of using your damn fists. On the ice, I can excuse. When you leave here, you’re a representation of the team. You’re out there as one of us and when you punch another, it sends ripples through the team.”

“There were witnesses. The cops got our statements and others. I didn’t start it.”

“No, but you finished it.”

I hung my head. Kasper wasn’t being unreasonable. If this was my first fight, that would have been different. I had a track record of doing this shit. Of course, Kasper was pissed. If I were in his shoes, I would be too.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Leslie,” he said softly, drawing my gaze up. “You understand I’m not mad at you for defending someone, right?”

“Yes. I shouldn’t have escalated the problem.”

“No, you should have de -escalated it. Was it more than that? Was there something else going on I didn’t get on the video? You can talk to me.”

I shook my head. “No, honest. It was his words and how he was treating the other person that set me off. Until then, I was having a good night.”

“You’re dating someone. I’ve seen the photos.”

“Yeah, he’s a great guy. Smart, fun, and so damn hot. He has his own business. I thought I fucked things up with him last night, but we talked… Or I talked and poured my soul out to him while he listened.”

“And?”

“He was perfect. He didn’t chastise me or get pissed because of what I did.”

“You were defending someone. If you hadn’t thrown a punch, you wouldn’t be in here with me. I need you to learn to handle things without resorting to violence. And don’t give me the he hit you first . That only goes so far. You could have done things differently.”

“I know.”

He nodded. “Now, tell me more about the guy you’re dating.”

Kasper and I talked about Corey then moved on to my family. The mood lightened. I didn’t feel the weight of my actions on me as much after that.

“How’s Marcus?”

“Good. Baseball season is over, which means I get my husband home with me instead of traveling or always working.”

“And yet you’re here working, just as hard but not in the same way.”

“Yes, but when I leave, I get to go home to him. There’s a lot to be said for finding the person you’re meant to be with. Everyone says to hold on with both hands, but it’s not always that easy. I almost lost Marcus because of my mistakes. Some things need to be learned and some trials must be gone through so you can get to the good parts of life. I think that’s what this is for you, Leslie. You’re finally getting to the good stuff. Don’t get me wrong. You’re an amazing goalie. Fuck, you’re one of the best, but I think you’re learning that’s not all life is. Outside of here, you’re a guy who has so much to offer the world. You just have to believe in yourself enough to let them see it.”

“Confident on the ice but not in love?” I chuckled.

“You’ll get there. Whether it’s Corey or someone else, you’ll find your way.”

Talking with Kasper could be intimidating as fuck. It could also be like coming home and having a conversation with a member of my family. There was an ease with him. It could have been that he was so hands on with us and knew us as people, not just players. Whatever it was, having Kasper to talk to was something I cherished. Except when he was yelling at me.

I was a little late to practice but meeting with the owner was a valid excuse. Down on the ice, ready to go, I focused on the task at hand and didn’t worry about the video any longer, or what the coaches would say to me. I did what I got paid a hell of a lot of money for.

Coach pulled me aside before I could get to the showers. There wasn’t any yelling, but he reinforced what Kasper had said. How I needed to learn to handle things better. It wasn’t like I was fighting for my life or someone else’s. The guy was a bully, but he didn’t lay a hand on anyone until I got involved and provoked him.

Devon waited for me after I got out of the shower. My muscles were tired, although I had a renewed energy. I had faith in myself. The next time shit got out of hand; I could deal with it without getting into a physical altercation.

“You good?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I haven’t been the best role model for the new guys on the team. Plus, there’s the whole whatever I do reflects on everyone else. I shouldn’t have done it.”

“If you think we all haven’t done shit we regret, you’re wrong. The important thing is to recognize it and not do it again. You weren’t drunk. That’s a big change from last season. Now, keep your fists out of it unless you absolutely have to fight.”

“I will. I’m—”

“Don’t apologize again. You already did once and that’s enough. You talked to Kasper, and Coach, we’re all good.”

“Thanks, D.”

I had a lot of wise people around me. Not just my teammates and the others who worked for the Jetties, but my family too. My dad had called me this morning to ask if I was all right. He didn’t give me hell or tell me I shouldn’t have done it. He wanted to check in on me. Dad knew I’d beat myself up over what happened. That was what I’d done time and time again once I sobered up. The regret I felt every time nearly pulled me under.

People could forgive a lot, but when mistakes were repeated, they wouldn’t be so ready to let it go. I was lucky enough to realize when I had to fix shit before it was too late. Who knew it would take into my thirties when I would finally become mature enough?

Life could be so complicated. I didn’t need to make it more so. I had to stop fighting, stop doing what I shouldn’t, and focus on living. There was an amazing man in this city who was happy to be with me. Who didn’t push me away or tell me he couldn’t handle my drama. If only I was around enough to show him what it truly meant to be with me. How I was an all-in kind of guy once I was given the chance.

Corey wasn’t a hookup or a friend with benefits. The way he cared for me… I wanted more of that. More of him. Fortunately for me, he wasn’t going anywhere, so while I couldn’t be who I wanted, where I could take him out nightly, wake up with him in the morning, I could show him I was in this with him. That when I wasn’t traveling and not working, I wanted to be with him.

My friends were busy with their partners. My family was on the other side of Pennsylvania. Me spending my free time with Corey wouldn’t impact anything but my relationship with him. Now to hope that was what he wanted too.