Page 11 of Breaking Through the Doubt (Espen Jetties #4)

11

LESLIE

We didn’t win every game. The losses hit hard. Tonight was one of those nights. Yesterday, we rode so damn high. We had a great game. Every one of us performed our best. Tonight, we were off. I thought it was just me at first but as I watched the rest of the team, it was a major flaw.

Coach had torn into us and rightfully so. I kept my head down, absorbing his criticism, slowly sinking lower. I’d take his praise any day over that. But when I lifted my head and looked around the room, everyone was feeling like I was. The worst part was, there was no one to cheer us up when we all felt like shit.

Hockey had been my life for so long. Retiring floated in the background. The more I thought about it, the more my body protested from me constantly pushing myself. I wondered if it was nearing time for me to bow out of the game and find something else to do with my life.

I’d like to think the losses were the driving factor, but they weren’t. I used to get pissed and bounce back easily, ready to win the next game. Now, I felt fucking old.

Over the summer, I found a calm I didn’t expect. It had me ready and excited about the upcoming season. Playing again, getting our asses handed to us at times, the excitement faded.

My friends let it roll off them after Coach stopped yelling. Not that they didn’t take what he said to heart. They just knew they had to push harder next game. What did it say about me when I was pushing hard already? I didn’t know how much more I had to give.

My focus was shifting. My life lay in front of me with no clear path, nothing to look forward to if I gave this up. I didn’t have to work ever again, but I wanted to. I wasn’t the type to sit around and do nothing. Did I know what I would do once hockey was done? Fuck no.

We headed back to our hotel, back to beds that weren’t ours. Some of us didn’t care. King and Hayes were home no matter where they went because they had each other. They missed Jamie, but they could video call him and it wasn’t so lonely. Devon had Lincoln to call. Jansen had Stephen. Noah had his wife. Hell, even Coach had someone to talk to at the end of the day.

But me, my hotel room always held nothing but stark loneliness.

As I was stepping off the bus that drove us to the hotel, Devon looped his arm through mine and walked with me to the elevators. A lot of us were on the same floor.

“Got something you want to tell me?” I asked, trying to deflect from what I knew was coming. When Devon, our captain, wanted to speak to me, I knew I was in trouble.

He rolled his eyes. “We’re going to talk.”

“I don’t like the sound of that. Are you breaking up with me? I need to prepare myself, so I don’t fall apart in front of you. I have some pride I’d like to keep.”

King turned and took my hand in his. “It’s okay. We’ll be there for you when you’re done. Don’t destroy him too much,” he said to Devon.

“Please don’t break his heart,” Hayes pleaded, even putting his palms together like he was begging.

King sniffled. “Knox means the world to us. You can’t… You can’t hurt him.”

“Jesus, what’s wrong with all of you?” Devon asked as a smile teased his lips.

King threw himself at me, wrapping his arms around my neck and bringing a leg up on my hip. He looked me in the eyes. “If he doesn’t want you, we’ll have you. You’d give us what we need.”

King and I didn’t realize the elevator had stopped nor that the door opened. He stayed in my arms as we both looked toward the door to find a bellman with an empty cart waiting for us to exit so he could get on. Huh, we were at our floor.

The man didn’t say a thing, just patiently waited for King to extract himself from me and for us to file out.

Once he was inside with the doors closed, King busted out laughing. “He didn’t even flinch.”

“Can you imagine some of the shit he’s seen working here?” I asked. “That was probably nothing.”

“You know he’s caught someone getting blown in the elevator,” Hayes stated.

“No doubt.”

“Speaking of getting blown…” King waggled his eyebrows at Hayes.

Hayes took it in stride, like he did everything else with King. “Let’s go.” He slung his arm around King’s shoulders and dragged him toward their room.

Devon and I watched them go, me delaying the inevitable talk I had coming my way.

He turned and jutted his chin down the hall. A sigh left me as I shuffled to my door and opened it. We’d lost a game. I’d had worse talks with Devon.

Once inside, I went to the small fridge and grabbed two bottles of water, tossing one to Devon. He browsed the menu on the dresser then handed it to me so we could order room service. Some of the team were going out tonight. I’d noticed the guys who were in relationships didn’t seem to go out as much anymore, even King. He went, but not all the time.

I took a seat on the bed and awaited my punishment. Not that Devon had ever punished me, but that was how it felt, especially when I knew I was guilty.

“Are you at least going to finish out the season?” he asked.

“Huh?”

“Leslie, it’s me. I see you more than the others do.” Devon was always there when we needed him.

“I haven’t given it a lot of thought,” I said honestly. “It’s there, in the back of my mind. Every loss is hitting me harder than it used to. I feel old, D. And tired.”

“I’d hate to see you leave, but I hate seeing you like this too. I’m not sure which would be worse.”

I ran a hand through my hair, forgetting I pulled it into a bun. “My heart’s torn. I love playing and spending time with all of you, but I’m just fucking exhausted. Every game we don’t win, I beat myself up after, play over in my head what I could have done differently. I used to be better about rebounding, but not so much anymore.”

“Is it Corey?” Devon didn’t ask in an accusatory way. He was curious and trying to get to the root of my issue and help me.

“Not him personally, but the idea of what we could turn into. If not him, then someone else. How long will someone be willing to tolerate dating me when I travel so much?”

“The right person won’t care.”

“What if I don’t want to travel?”

“That’s an entirely different question. You have a lot to think about. I won’t try to pressure you one way or another. I’d hate to lose you on the team, but I won’t lose you as a friend.”

“Never.”

There was a knock on the door, so I got up to let room service in. We helped spread out the food then gave them a tip. Devon and I sat down to eat. God, I was fucking starving.

“How’s Corey with the media attention?” he asked.

Of course, photos from our date hit social media, followed by the local and then national outlets picking up on it. Corey took it in stride, didn’t mind it. At least I didn’t have to worry about him getting upset by the attention.

“I’m not sure anyone would like cameras in their face, but he’s taking it well.” He saw the phones out, just like I did when we were on our date. I trusted if it was something he didn’t want to deal with, he would have told me.

Deciding to get the topic off me, I asked Devon about Lincoln. It was an easy change of subject and gave me time to not have to think about what the hell I was doing or going to do in the future. I wouldn’t let my decision to retire or not rest on anyone but me. Regardless of if Corey and I worked out, and I really wanted us to, I had to make the decision for me and me alone.

After we ate, Devon and I hugged before he left, which warmed me down to my soul. I found comfort in my team, just like I hoped they did in me when they needed it. I’d see him and the rest of the team tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. It was a good thing we liked each other, or it would be brutal to be with them so much.

With the plates out in the hallway and my body winding down, I dropped onto the bed and grabbed my phone. I debated on texting him but then dropped my phone onto the bed. How could I be with him when I didn’t have myself figured out? Then again, I didn’t want him to slip through my fingers.

Corey wasn’t like anyone else I dated. He stood out in a good way. Of course, I’d worry I’d do something wrong and fuck things up before they started. I got too into my head, not just about hockey but about everything. Yes, Corey knew what it meant to date me, but that was before the reality of my traveling came in, and I was gone more than I was home.

He had his own business. It wasn’t like he was sitting around waiting for me to call. That helped alleviate some of my turmoil. Corey had a life outside of me, just like I did away from him. Whoever I ended up with, I didn’t want to be in their pocket all day. We had friends and families. There was so much I still didn’t know about him.

Picking up my phone again, I decided to search him online. He had a tattoo shop in Espen which, by the looks of it when I’d been there, did very well. His name came up right away, along with photos of tattoos he’d done and reviews. Everyone loved him. Well, except for this one asshole. He could fuck right off with his bullshit. There was always a critic.

The more I scrolled, the more I wondered what he saw in me. We led completely different lives. Maybe that was part of the draw. We were both immersed in our jobs, so outside of them we could get away and just be ourselves instead of our careers.

A yawn stretched my lips as sleep started to edge in. I put the phone on the nightstand after setting my alarm and grabbed the blankets to pull over me. The room was far too quiet though, so I put the TV on low with an old western movie I had zero interest in. It was enough to have my eyes slipping closed as my mind started to quiet.

Sleep would do me good and tomorrow was another day. I’d play better, be better, and start to decide about not only my career but where my life was headed.

Whatever came my way, I’d handle it. Hopefully, Corey would be there. After all, I wanted a lot more of those kisses and more of his hands on me, preferably when we both had a whole lot less clothes on.

So much for my mind going quiet. Now my dick was perking up. Fuck’s sake. Guess I should take care of that before going to sleep.