Page 17 of Breaking Through the Doubt (Espen Jetties #4)

17

LESLIE

Goalies could be weird. There were rituals, superstitions, and other things we did. Some were more over-the-top than others. Some were more subdued and hardly noticed. I was somewhere in between.

Before every game, I stood in front of my locker, put my head down, and thought about my family, my team, and the fans. I pictured myself going through the game, calming my nerves, getting into the right frame of mind. Almost like meditation but not fully because the locker room was loud, so there was no way I could fully get into the zone.

I wasn’t only playing for me and the Jetties. I was playing for everyone. There were people who hated sports or thought it was just a game. For a lot of fans, it was much more than that. They followed their teams through their highs and lows. They leaned forward in their seats, watched with bated breath, every move, every play, in hopes the team they loved would come out on top.

Fans had superstitions too. If their team was winning, maybe they didn’t leave the couch or they didn’t put down the bottle of beer they were holding. They wore a certain shirt or jersey.

Other players had them as well. How they wrapped their sticks or what they wore. Maybe they didn’t shave. All over were players and fans doing things in the hopes of helping their team win.

The guys left me alone so I could have my silence. It didn’t end there though. I had a necklace I took off and hung in my locker. I held it in my hand, projected into the universe I wanted us to stay safe and healthy. Yes, I wanted to win and hated when we lost. Getting hurt, possibly not being able to play again, that was something I never wanted for any of us.

The necklace wasn’t anything elaborate or crazy. It was a simple silver chain that once belonged to my grandmother on my mom’s side. She’d given it to me when I was younger. Now I wore it when I wasn’t playing but took it off when I was. If it broke, I’d die a little inside. The locker kept it safe, like it was there waiting for me, no matter what happened when I played. I knew when the game was over, I could put it back on and feel a little bit of my family with me.

When it was time to lace my skates, that had an order. There was only one way to do it and it had to be perfect. If the laces were done wrong because someone interrupted me and I lost concentration, I had to start over.

Getting out onto the ice, I did a single lap around the net then caressed my hand over the crossbar, silently hoping it treated me well and kept the pucks from going over the goal line.

It didn’t matter where we were or who we played against. My rituals stayed the same. Sure, the guys liked to rib on me about what I did, but it was all in fun. We were in this together.

Steel gray and white were the main colors in the stands. Tonight, we were in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania where it was a little colder than home, but the city greeted us like they had other times we’d visited. There were some Jetties fans cheering us on, which I always appreciated. Die-hard fans who came to our games when we played here.

As I took in the arena, let my eyes go over the crowd, the lines on the ice, the players, I silently calmed my mind and my breathing. No matter how the game ended, we were here for each other. But I really wanted to fucking win.

“Ready, Knox?” King asked, skating over to me.

“Always.”

“They won’t go easy on us.”

“They never do, nor would I expect them to.”

Jansen stopped in front of us, a smile on his lips. These two were perpetually happy. They had down moments, but they bounced back fast. They also had the world at their fingertips like the others on the team did.

“Is Stephen watching tonight?” I asked. No, his boyfriend wouldn’t be here, but like King’s and Hayes’s, I was sure they were watching at home. I wondered if Corey would be able to catch the game.

“Yeah, his friend, Shannon, is over tonight. They’ll be cheering us on.”

“Good, we’ll take all of the good vibes we can get.”

He nodded and greeted Noah when he skated toward us.

I tuned them out, focused on my breathing and calming my mind and body again. I couldn’t let more outside influence in. This was my area to defend, and I was going to do so with everything in me.

The first period went by without a goal on either side. A fight broke out, there were penalties, but the game went on. During the second period, Devon scored a goal and Hayes got the assist after a hell of a fight for possession.

Then the other team got through our guys and headed right for me. I wasn’t fast enough. The puck sailed by, tying the score. I wanted to beat myself up over it, but I had the rest of the night to do that. There was more of the game to go, and I had to be my best.

Time was ticking down. I was tired, although not ready to give up. I’d push myself as hard as I had to so we would come out of here with the win. Just a little longer. Just a little more.

I was steady on my skates, watching the puck as it slid across the ice. Every movement, every time it connected with a stick, I watched it, waiting for the moment when it would sail toward me.

It was coming for me fast now. They followed through, aiming and slapping it. My reflexes kicked in and I was able to slide my leg out to block it.

The clock ran as we were in possession again. Devon was so damn strong, so quick. He aimed but didn’t make it. Hayes got a shot and it went in.

We just had to hang on a little longer to our one goal lead. I had to keep blocking, keep doing my job. I couldn’t let anything get through.

My heart pounded like the weight of the world was on me, even though I knew it wasn’t true. This was on all of us. I stood between the opposing team and the net. I took it personally because this was my domain.

They were back in my direction, racing toward me. I tracked their movements, followed the best I could.

They shot.

I dove.

But I couldn’t stop it in time.

Fortunately, the shot was off and flew past the net, not going over the goal line. Thank fuck. I wanted to celebrate the small win, but there wasn’t time for that.

Men slammed into the boards, fighting for possession while I got on my feet, ready to defend the crease again.

The crowd was on their feet, their roars becoming louder, cheering with everything in them. I loved how passionate they were. However, I couldn’t focus on them, not right now. We were so damn close to ending this game.

Time ran down. It crawled, like I felt every second go by at a glacial pace.

Then it was finally over.

And we’d fucking won.

A smile lifted my lips, quickly followed by overwhelming relief. Jansen slammed into me, and we started cheering with the other guys. I reveled in this feeling. It felt good to be here. To not lose. To not wonder what I could have done differently. There was always something to be improved upon. That was a problem for later.

The locker room was filled with great energy when we filed in. I let it soak into me as I got my gear off and took a seat and a drink.

Hayes sat next to me; his smile infectious. “You did good tonight.”

“Thanks, man. You did amazing.”

He hummed as his eyes found King where he laughed while talking to Noah. “I love winning, don’t get me wrong. But seeing him this happy, I’d play my heart out every game to keep that smile on his face.”

“And here I thought you liked seeing me smile too. I’ve been told I have a stunning face.”

King walked over just as I was saying it. His palm met my face in a gentle shove as he pushed my head away from Hayes. “Stop hitting on my man, Knox.”

Gripping his wrist, I pulled his hand away then tugged him down, so he fell onto my lap. His arm went around my shoulders instinctively to hold on.

Laughter bubbled up out of him. “Awww, Knoxy, do you want some of my attention too? You only have to ask. There’s plenty of me to go around.” He dropped his head to my shoulder and lifted his legs, so they rested on Hayes’s thighs. “You’ll share me with Knox, won’t you, baby?”

“Not on your life.” Hayes grabbed King’s free hand, pulling him from my lap until he was on Hayes’s. “That’s better.”

King batted his eyelashes. “I love how big and strong you are. Will you show me more later… when we’re alone?” he whispered the last part loudly enough for me to hear him.

I couldn’t help but be drawn to them. Not in a sexual way, but in a way where I wanted to be in their orbit. I was enjoying my time with Corey and could feel myself falling for him. Could we have what King and Hayes did? What they found with Jamie? No, I didn’t want a third, but I wanted that kind of love. The big kind where I knew the other so well, yet it never got old. I wanted to laugh and joke and have fun. I also wanted to crawl into bed at night and wrap my arms around Corey or have him do the same to me. What I wouldn’t give to have him here tonight so I could celebrate with him.

The urge to call him was strong but I resisted, instead staying present with my team and not burying my face in my phone. Corey had proven he’d be there for me. I’d do the same for him whenever he needed me to.

The team and I went through the motions, like we did after every game. All the while, I kept wondering how it would feel to give this up. I’d have to eventually. But the more I thought about it, the more I let the word retire float through my mind, the more I leaned that way.

Life outside of this could be amazing but it was also beyond words to play for the Jetties. Playing professionally, earning a big salary, it wasn’t easily achieved. I proved to myself and everyone out there I had what it took. Since then, I’d played with my heart every game.

I soaked in the laughter, the camaraderie, and the happiness everyone felt, etching this moment into my mind, alongside many others. One day, I wouldn’t do this anymore and when that day finally came, I wanted to know I didn’t take the years spent playing for granted. That I loved and lived every minute of this insane ride.

I cherished the friends I’d made too. Even after I was out of the game, I would still have them. It was something I knew without a doubt. These weren’t casual friends. They were friends I’d have for life.