Page 24 of Bleeding Hearts (Pine Valley College #3)
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“ S o . . . how many people have you been with?” I ask casually as we walk. It’s been on my mind since her comment. I know Lally isn’t a virgin, but I’m curious and, yes, a little jealous.
Okay, a lot.
I want to find all the girls she’s been with and scratch their eyes out. I won’t, but the thought is there.
“Nope, not happening,” she responds.
“Lally,” I snap.
“Alice,” she retorts as she lifts me higher.
“I was just asking,” I mutter. “I wasn’t going to make a murder list or anything.”
“Sure you weren’t,” she scoffs, and then she’s quiet for a moment as I sulk.
“It doesn’t matter who I’ve been with, baby.
None of them were you. They were all just some momentary fun to distract me from the pain.
They meant nothing. They are faceless bodies.
I never loved them, not like I love you.
Being with you is . . . different. It has meaning and emotions.
I can’t say I’m sorry, and I can’t change my past even if I wanted to make you feel better, but you have to know, Alice, that you’re all I see now.
You’re all that matters. You are the only one I want to be with.
They were sex, but we are so much more, baby. We are everything.”
I debate her words, leaning into her shoulder. “Don’t sweet-talk me. Fine, I’ll leave it alone, but I’m not saying I won’t smack a bitch if I see them.”
“Such a jealous girl,” she teases. “Have you always been this possessive?”
“Only of things that are mine,” I murmur.
“And I’m yours?” She glances at me as I narrow my eyes.
“You have been mine since the first moment I met you. Remember that the next time a girl looks at you, and remember that I’m jealous. I might not be as strong as you physically, but I know people, and I will not hesitate.”
“Fuck, you’re kind of scary when you talk like that . . . and hot.” She laughs. “Fine, I’ll behave.”
My shoes dangle from her left hand as she walks, stopping occasionally to hoist me higher on her back.
My feet never once touch the ground. Her hands are hard and protective on me, her body strong and soft against mine as I lean into her, snuggling into her back.
I ache to feel her heat and curves pressed against me in another way.
As I recall the way she touched me and how her mouth devoured me, I shiver.
“We are almost there,” she promises and speeds up, believing I’m cold.
“Lally.” I hesitate over my words, but then I decide to surge ahead and hope she doesn’t dump me on my ass. “Please don’t push me away this time.” It’s a hurt whisper from a child. I feel so stupid saying it, and when she stops, I close my eyes, waiting for her rejection.
She turns and slides me down her body, sitting me on a bench and crouching before me as she takes my hands. I can’t bring myself to look at her, but she reaches out and tips my chin up so I focus on her.
“Do you know why I hesitated tonight when I saw what the task was?” she asks softly.
I shake my head, feeling like I will cry if I open my mouth.
She watches me, stroking my cheek gently, and that only makes it worse.
“I was scared.” My mouth drops open, and she smiles sadly.
“I thought I didn’t care if I lived or died.
It’s why I was able to jump into each game so easily, but recently, I realized I want to live.
I want to live so badly—not just for me or Evan, but for you.
I didn’t want to leave you alone, and that scared me.
I realized I could die tonight and leave you alone. I hesitated because of you.”
My heart flutters as her words burrow into that optimistic organ, hoping this means what I want it to mean. Tears fill my eyes as I stare at her.
She kisses them away. “You terrify me, Alice. You always have. You asked me not to push you away again . . . Do you want to know one of the reasons I did it in the first place? Why I stopped answering your calls? One look, baby, one snippet of my voice, and I knew you would know I was struggling. When no one else would, I knew you would because you know me in a way no one else ever has or will. I pushed you away so I could deal with it myself and I wouldn’t burden anyone else, but you wouldn’t let me, my stubborn girl, would you?
You didn’t let me struggle through this alone, did you?
” I wince, prepared for her anger, and she looks destroyed, as if me anticipating her venom kills her.
“I’m so sorry, Alice. I’m so fucking sorry for everything I said and did to you to keep you at arm’s length.
I have no excuses for it. You’ve been . .
.” Her voice is thick as she swallows, her own eyes misty with tears.
“You’ve always been there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it.
What I said about Tommy’s death and blaming you was a fucked-up thing to say and not true.
You should have fucking slapped me, but even when I cut you with my sharp words, you held me with soft hands.
I don’t deserve it, but I need you to listen to me now.
None of it was your fault.” She grips my cheeks as she presses her forehead to mine. “None of it.”
Tears fall down my face unchecked, and she kisses them away.
“God, I hate that I made you cry so much. I hate the look in your eyes right now, making me wonder how long you’ve been struggling with the impact of my drunken words.
I’m a bitch. I don’t deserve you.” She covers my mouth when I go to protest. “It’s the truth, but if you’ll let me, baby, I want to spend the rest of our lives working to deserve you.
So no, I won’t push you away anymore. I’ll let you in.
Every broken, ruined piece of me is yours if you want it.
Just—” She closes her eyes for a moment.
“Don’t break my heart like everyone else, Alice.
I survived Tommy’s death and not having my family, but I couldn’t survive losing you too. ”
Licking my lips, I taste the salt from our combined tears as I lean into her.
“Never,” I vow. “You’ll never lose me. I’m here until the end.
When will you realize that? Nothing could take me from you.
I’m yours, and you’re mine. This thing between us is twisted and born from grief and pain, but it’s ours, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I met you on the worst night of my life, Lally.
We are partners, so stop trying to protect me.
I’m right here. You don’t need to be strong any longer, my love.
I’ll be strong for you. Just let it go. Just give it to me. ”
Her lips tremble, and I sweep my thumbs over her watering eyes as a sob erupts from her. Pressing her face into my chest, she wraps her arms around me, and I hold her as she cries for everything she lost and endured.
She cries for everything she has had to do to get here, and I hold her through it all.
“Shh.” I rub her back. “That’s it, let it all go, Lally. I’m right here. I promise. It’s all going to be okay. I’ll make sure it is.”
I don’t know how long we sit there before she leans back and wipes at her face, but I push her hands away and dry it for her. “Beautiful,” I murmur, and she smiles.
“I’m a mess.”
When will she see herself like I do?
“You’re always beautiful, messy or otherwise. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” I punctuate each word with a kiss. “My beautiful, perfect girl.” When I pull back, she’s watching me with softness in her eyes. “Let’s go home.”
She nods but hesitates. “I need to tell you something. The game . . . Risk. I didn’t just join for the thrill.
I’m going to lose my scholarship. I have hardly any time to gather the money for my tuition or I have to leave Pine Valley.
” My heart freezes. “That’s why I did it.
I need the money. I didn’t want to rely on anyone for it.
It’s my mess, so I wanted to handle it.”
“Lally—”
“I know you guys would have helped, but I wanted . . . I needed to do this. That’s why I can’t stop, Alice. I need to win. I have to win. My home is here with you, Alek, Evan, Skylar, and Bones. I won’t lose it. I’m going to win and pay off my tuition.” She takes a deep breath. “Will you help me?”
I can’t deny her anything. There are other ways we could get the money, but she’s letting me in, and if I say no, she’ll close down and never let me in again.
“Yes, I’ll help you win,” I promise. “Now let’s go home. My feet hurt like a bitch.”
She laughs and kisses me softly. “Okay.” Turning, she offers me her back. “Hop up, baby, your chariot awaits.”