Page 21 of Bleeding Hearts (Pine Valley College #3)

“It’s okay to miss him,” Evan whispers. “I know I do, but I don’t want you to stop living your life because of it. He would hate that you are blaming yourself and suffering. He would kick your ass.”

“But he’s gone.”

“And you need to live for him,” he snaps. “We both do. We need to live long lives for him since he didn’t get to. That’s the way I see it anyway.”

His words make me blink. I’ve never thought of it that way. “I was so focused on the hole he left, I didn’t think beyond that. I’m sorry, Evan, for hurting you and pulling away. You’re my best friend—my brother, my family.”

“Shh, it’s okay. Families fight, but we always make up, and I’ll always be here for you. I promise I’ll be better. I’ll be here whenever you need me. I’ll stop burying my head in the sand. I’m sorry for being such a shitty friend.” He drags me closer, holding me tightly.

Part of me heals with his words. I wish I could say it makes it all better, that I realize I can be happy and move on, but grief doesn’t work like that.

I’m happy Evan and I are okay, and I’m glad I understand where he’s coming from, but I’m still an open wound, and one night won’t fix that, but for the first time in a long time, I want to be around long enough to see it heal.

Evan is right. I can’t die for Tommy. He would hate me for it, so that means I have to live for him.

He gave his life for us, and I’ll live mine for him.

I’ll make him proud.

I’m trying this new thing where I don’t lash out in anger. The realization that everyone else is still hurting is profound and solidifies my bond with them. They didn’t give up on me, even when they probably should have.

It’s a slow few days as I detox from drinking every night. I tried to go to a party last night, and when I stepped out of the dorm, Skylar was waiting there. He simply pointed back inside, and I knew I had no choice. The boy is way too fast for me to outrun him.

That means no drinking. It also means showing up to classes, since one of them is always waiting to walk me. It means not giving them a reason to worry more than they already have been.

The little things are the hardest—finding the energy to brush my teeth, get dressed, and remember to eat—but I try for my friends, and when I can’t, they do it for me, but never obviously.

“Here, I made extra last night,” Bones says as he hands over Tupperware at dinnertime. There are veggies, rice, and meat inside, and he even slides a drink over. “Would you believe the machine gave me two?”

“You’re a terrible liar for a lawyer,” I tease.

He simply grins and focuses on his book, taking a bite of his lunch, which matches mine every now and again.

Opening the lunch box, I pick at the food, knowing I need to eat.

The stress of when the next game will be is weighing on me, but I need to win.

I need that money. My deadline is creeping up, and my friends are already doing so much for me.

I don’t want to tell them about this as well.

I know now if I told them, they would help.

Hell, Bones and Skylar would hand the cash over without question, Alek and Evan too.

Alice would even find a way, maybe rob a bank, but it’s my problem to fix.

I got myself into this mess, so I need to get myself out of it.

I have to prove to myself I can fix this.

When Bones checks on my progress with the food and gives me a glare, I shovel it in without tasting it.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask. “I get Alice and Evan, and even Alek to an extent, but why you? We aren’t that close. Yes, we’re friends, but not close enough to do this.”

“Because I love Alek like a brother, which also means loving Evan. Evan loves you, Alice loves you, and Alek loves you, so I do as well. Besides, Lally, when you’re struggling, that’s when you need your friends.

I know you would do the same for me if I asked.

It’s who you are. We might not be as close as the others, but I find peace in your madness,” he admits.

“You make me smile, and I love that you make the people I care for most in the world happy.”

“You know, everyone thinks you’re a real asshole.” His eyebrows rise, and I find myself smiling. “But you aren’t, are you?”

“I can be,” he replies, “when you mess with people I care about.” He sits back and observes me.

“I’ve been where you are, Lally.” He reaches over, covering my hand with his.

“I mean it. You think it’s easier to wallow alone in the darkness and that it can’t possibly get better, but it’s not true.

I suffered alone for years, pretending I was fine, but I wasn’t.

You have permission to ruin your own life, but you wouldn’t just be ruining yours.

That’s what gets me through now when things get hard. ”

“You have Skylar,” I respond.

“And you have Alice,” he retorts, and my eyes widen.

“I don’t want to hear your excuses. That girl loves you more than anything.

I won’t get involved, since it’s your business, but you’re not alone.

I know it isn’t easy to accept, and it’s so much easier to cut yourself off than reach out, but we won’t let you.

Whatever you’re going through, we are here for you, and we understand.

” He squeezes my hand. “I lost someone I loved very much. I was young and stupid and thought it was the end of the world. I thought I didn’t deserve to be happy, but Skylar, our friends, and you proved me wrong.

You fought for me and made me part of your family, and I’m not letting that go.

Do you hear me? I lost my family once, I won’t do it again, so I need you to be strong.

I need you to look into the darkness and tell it to fuck off with that Lally attitude we all love.

I’m not telling you that you have to be okay, but I’m telling you to fight. ”

“I’m trying,” I say. “I really want to.”

“That’s all that matters, and until you can, we will be here, making sure you’re alive long enough to fight back.” He nods at my food again. “Which means eating, unless you want to offend Skylar and his ability to cook.”

“I thought you said you cooked it?” I scoff.

“Hell no, you’d be dead if I cooked.” He winks.

My laughter bursts out of me, and for the first time in a long time, I feel the pressure on my shoulders lighten a little.