Page 11 of Bleeding Hearts (Pine Valley College #3)

CHAPTER NINE

I probably shouldn’t drink—who knows when the next game will be—but I need to forget my dream. I need to forget the sight of Alice’s eyes sliding shut under the water as she almost drowned.

When will she stop coming after me? Can’t she see I’m beyond saving? It haunts me, and because I’m so fucking weak and useless, I turn to alcohol to numb my worries.

Even with all the people surrounding me, I feel so alone.

I’m the mess my father called me.

Fuck. I haven’t thought about my parents in forever, so why tonight of all nights? I know Alice and Evan are curious about them, since I don’t speak much about what happened. We all have our own tragic stories as the orphans of Pine Valley.

Only, mine aren’t dead.

My father stopped talking to me when he realized I wasn’t as forgiving of his sins as my mother was.

She wasn’t a fighter, but she raised one.

She said I spoke like a hurricane, lashing him with my wrath, and his fragile masculinity couldn’t handle that, so I lost both of them because I refused to break for a man’s will.

I always thought she was so weak for choosing him, but maybe I am the weak one. I don’t feel like a hurricane right now.

I was okay back then, even after losing them, because I had Evan and Tommy, but then I didn’t. I’m alone again, and sometimes I wonder if there’s such a thing as being too okay being alone.

Even now, people approach me and I turn away. They aren’t worth the eventual pain. Either they will leave me or they will die, and I can’t handle that anymore, so I shut myself off. When I look in the mirror, though, all I see is a stranger with haunted eyes staring back at me.

I stopped feeling like Lally the night Tommy died. I stopped feeling like Laila Stewart the night my father first hit me and I hit him back.

I lost my innocence so many times that maybe I’ll never be able to find who I truly am again, and I will always be this lost little girl.

Fuck, my thoughts are morbid tonight. I hate this type of drunk. It’s the worst and always makes the memories stronger, so I drop my drink in the sink and stop.

“Lally, are you okay?” The soft voice startles me from my thoughts, and my eyes swing to her before I groan. Of course she’s here. Tugging my arm out of her grip, I march through the party and out the back door, needing to escape her and the panic still clawing at my throat until I can’t breathe.

I nearly lost her like I lost Tommy.

She needs to get away from me before she dies for real.

I’m buzzed, not drunk, but I get lost as I head out of the back garden and find myself in the half-lit tunnels between dorms.

“Lally!” Alice yells, and her footsteps pound on the pavement as she tries to catch up to me. I start to run when I’m suddenly yanked back around. The force sends me into one of the tunnel walls as she glares at me. “Jesus, Lally, stop running. At least let me take you home to sleep it off.”

“I’m fine. Go home,” I order, tugging my arm free as I move past her, but she pushes me back again.

“You aren’t fine. Stop saying that,” she demands, her eyes bright.

Fuck, she looks so beautiful. Her lips glisten with whatever fucking gloss she’s using, and her face is bare except for some mascara. Her pleated skirt is short, leaving her long, lean legs on display, and I hate that other people have seen them.

“Lally,” she says.

I jerk my eyes up, swallowing as I stare at her.

I’m trapped as I meet her eyes, seeing she won’t back down. I can’t lose her. I can’t let her die like I let Tommy. I just fucking can’t. When my words come, they are cruel and filled with venom meant to make her hate me.

It’s better than dying for that love, because at least then she’ll be alive.

“Go home, Alice,” I hiss. “I don’t want you.

Why the fuck can’t you understand that? Why are you so desperate to cling to me?

Is it because your parents didn’t love you enough?

” She flinches, and I hate it, but she steps back, her eyes glistening with pain.

“Why can’t you see I fucking hate the sight of you?

My best friend is dead because of you, so leave me the fuck alone! ”

I’m panting when I finish, and she’s staring at me with tears in her eyes, her lips pursed slightly.

Even crying, she’s so beautiful it hurts.

I’m such a fucking mess, and she’s perfection.

I can’t mar that. I expect her to turn and run away.

The old Alice would, but this one steps toward me, her nostrils flaring with determination.

“Do you know how many times you have given me these speeches?” she snaps, her voice thick with anger as she refuses to back down.

Laughing bitterly, I shove my hand into my hair and push it out of my face. “Then why do you stick around?” I ask.

“Why? Why? ” She looks away, laughing incredulously, and when her gaze comes back to mine, her eyes are filled with things I don’t want to acknowledge.

“Every sentence out of your mouth rips me to shreds. Every time you look at me, it’s filled with hate.

Why, Lally? Why would I stick around when you are so fucking awful to me that I know your barbs better than my own voice?

” Her hand hits my chest, shoving me back into the wall as I gape at her.

“I stick around because I care!” she yells.

“I care about you, Lally, but maybe I’m just fucking punishing myself, but I don’t deserve it.

I am not responsible for what happened. It’s a fucking tragedy, and it haunts me too.

It fucking sucks, but it isn’t my fault!

” she screams in my face, a tear trailing down her cheek.

“It’s not my fault,” she says softly, “so stop blaming me so I can stop blaming myself, okay?”

I know if I stay, I’ll be lost to her, and this will only end one way.

She’s right, it isn’t her fault, and deep down, I never blamed her, not really. I blame myself, and I hate myself for not being able to save Tommy, but I won’t lose her too.

“We’re through.” I jerk my hand between us. “Whatever this was, it’s over. It’s too damn hard. All it does is hurt us both.”

“Lally,” she whispers, staring into my eyes.

“No. It’s over.” I swallow around the thickness in my throat, my heart beating so rapidly I struggle to breathe. “We’re through.” I push past her as the first tear falls, not wanting her to see it.

Each step I take away from her feels like a spike being driven into my chest, but I know it’s for the best. “You’re right.

It’s really over,” she whispers. “Why do I miss your hate as soon as it’s gone?

It’s better than this . . . silence. I can handle you hating me, but I can’t handle you leaving me,” she calls, but I keep walking until I’m suddenly spun again.

“It’s not over,” she warns, her chest heaving as tears trail down our faces. “It’s not, so hate me, spill your venom into me. I’ll take it all. I don’t care. I won’t leave you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Her lips crash onto mine, and my eyes widen as I freeze.

She sucks on my lower lip before biting down, and when my mouth opens on a gasp, she sweeps her tongue inside.

Her hands grip my shoulders, tugging me down, and my eyes slide shut of their own accord as I groan, kissing her back.

I grab her hips to tug her closer so we are pressed together, but then my senses slowly flood back, and I try to pull away.

She kisses me harder, refusing to let me go.

Her kiss hurts as much as my words do, yet it feels so good.

This is what I was searching for in other people’s beds.

All the anger and pain morphs into desire so strong, I can’t stop. I eat at her mouth as I spin us, and her back hits the wall. She moans into my lips, the sweet, little sound making me hot all over.

“Lally,” she whispers, tilting her head. I kiss her deeper. I don’t want her words. Not right now. I need to forget, and I do so in her lips, but I need more.

I need everything.

Ignoring my own desire and slick pussy, I slide my hands down her hips and over her thighs until I find the hem of her skirt, and then I hike it up.

Her eyes open, meeting mine as I bite her lip, keeping her trapped as I tug her lace panties aside and slip my hand inside them.

She’s wet, hot, and so fucking ready for my touch it makes me groan.

Her eyes glance between mine as I slide my fingers down her wet cunt and slip two inside her.

She groans and arches up, her head falling back slightly, and I lick her chin as I push my fingers deeper inside her as her eyes shut.

I pull them out then thrust them back in, curling them inside so I find that spot, and when I do, she cries out.

“Lally, please.” Her voice is breathless, needy, and so fucking hot.

Anyone could walk by, but I can’t stop. I press my lips to hers, swallowing her cries of pleasure as I rub her clit with my thumb and finger fuck her tight, little pussy. Her heat grips my fingers snugly, and her clit throbs against my thumb as she presses closer, trying to match my pace.

I add a third finger, making it hurt as she whimpers into my mouth. “Lally?—”

“I know, but you’ll take it, won’t you?” I murmur as I bite her lower lip. “You wanted me to hurt you, didn’t you?”

She nods, whimpering as I twist my fingers inside her, stretching her tight cunt. Fuck, she’s so damn wet for me, her cream drips down my fingers, and I know she’s close. I’ve barely touched her and she’s ready to come.

I pull free of her, ignoring her cry of disappointment, and slide my slick fingers across her lips. I stare into her wide, shocked eyes before I crash my lips back onto hers and thrust my fingers into her pussy, fucking it hard and fast.

Kissing her harder, I rub my thumb in circles around her clit, and she locks up against me, her cunt clenching around my fingers as she comes.

She makes this little whining sound that I know I’ll never forget.

I slowly thrust my fingers into her as she rides out her pleasure, and when she slumps back into the wall, I memorize the sight because I know I’ll never let it happen again.

Pulling my fingers from her pussy, I tug her underwear back into place and right her skirt before stepping away.

Her eyes blink open, then she stares at me like I’m something to worship and love. I remind myself it’s just the afterglow. I have to walk away because after one touch, one taste, I know Alice Anders has the ability to ruin me.

“This won’t happen again.”

Her small smile drops as she stares at me.

“I’m doing this for you, Alice. You deserve better than this. You’re right, it isn’t your fault, but blaming you was easier than having no one to blame,” I admit.

“Then blame me, hate me, just don’t let me go,” she pleads, reaching for me, but I step back.

Can’t she see I have to?

“I miss him, Alice. I miss him so fucking much all day, every day, and it feels like everyone else is moving on, and I’m stuck in that hallway that night.” I dash my tears away. “Evan is happy and starting his future, and I’m all alone?—”

“You aren’t alone. You have me. You’ll always have me,” she promises, reaching for me again. I step back into the shadows of the tunnel where I belong.

“No, I won’t.” She flinches. “I meant what I said, Alice. I can’t be part of your life. Let me go and stay away from me.” I leave her before she can leave me.

I like Alice, I might even love her a little, and that makes me hate her and myself.

One day, she would hate me too, hate the days I can’t get out of bed, and I can’t take that.

I can’t take seeing the love in her eyes change to hate, so I leave first to keep her and my heart safe.

My distraction worked, but now all I can think about is her as I fall into my bed fully clothed. Her taste mixes with the alcohol on my tongue. For once, I’m not thinking about that night, though, or Tommy.

I’m thinking about the way she felt and the noise she made when she came.

I’ll remember it better than my own smile.

At least this desire is better than pain.

My fingers still smell like her, and despite the agony in my chest, my desire hasn’t subsided.

My room is dark, and I close my eyes as I slide my hand into my shorts, slipping them through my folds.

I fuck myself with her pleasure still staining my skin, wishing it were her hand.

She’d be so hesitant at first, but my girl would pick it up quickly.

I rub my clit fast before I slide my fingers down and thrust them inside myself.

My hips rise off the bed as I groan. My nipples are tight and begging for attention, so with my free hand, I reach up and pull my shirt down, squeezing and pulling one as my pussy clenches. Pleasure rolls through me, but it’s not enough. I want more.

Rolling over, I bite my pillow as I ride my fingers, rolling my hips as I fuck myself, grinding my clit against my shorts and the bed.

The friction and pressure make me groan as I chase my release.

I ride my hand faster, and when it crests, I cry out into my pillow.

My legs jerk from the force, as I clench around my fingers.

Groaning, I slump forward and pull my fingers free, shaking with aftershocks, but as soon as the afterglow fades, I’m left feeling raw and alone again.

Sweaty and tired, I collapse into my twisted sheets and finally let my tears fall.

I bury my face in my pillow as I sob. I wish I could love someone like Alice.

I think it would be easy to be loved by her, but I can’t.

I’m going to lose her, and it’s killing me.

I muffle my screams and sobs in my pillow, alone in the dark as I release my demons.