Page 2 of Bleeding Hearts (Pine Valley College #3)

CHAPTER ONE

Six months ago . . .

“ O h god.” Her moan fills my room, her pink nails digging into my floral bedspread as her back arches, pushing her chest closer to me. Her magnetic eyes open and clash with mine, her pretty lips bruised and parted from my kiss.

She’s so fucking beautiful.

Her skin tastes like the sweetest berries mixed with flowers, and it drives me insane. She looks fucking good in my sheets, her hair tousled from my hands.

I slide lower, dragging my tongue over her quivering belly to the waistband of her panties before licking along the edge. I keep my eyes on her as she pants below me, her grip tightening on my poor bedspread as she watches me.

“Lally, please,” she whispers hoarsely.

“I’ve got you, baby girl,” I murmur as I tug her panties down with my teeth to mid-thigh, where her skirt is puddled as well since neither of us could wait.

We were watching a movie, and then we were on each other.

All the sexual tension and weeks of flirting had finally came to a head, and before I knew it, my lips were on hers and my hands were shoved up her skirt.

I can’t help but stop for a moment as I get my first look at her pretty pussy.

Her shapely thighs are splayed for me, exposing her slick cunt, pretty and pink, begging for my tongue.

“Lally.” I can hear the embarrassment in her tone as she tries to shut her thighs, so I press my hands against both to prevent her from doing so.

“Don’t stop me from looking at what’s mine,” I tell her, and her eyes widen before she gives me a jerky nod. I lean down and blow a breath across her glistening flesh, watching her shiver below me before I sweep my tongue from her swollen clit down to her pretty ass.

Her hips arch off the bed, her gasp filling the air as I lick my way up and circle her swollen clit. I plan to take my time and focus on nothing but her.

I want Alice. I have since the moment I met her, and if this happened with us before . . . well, it would be different.

I would be different.

I’ve changed. Anger and self-hatred constantly fill me, and the only way I can forget is to focus on something else.

Tonight, it’s her. I know it will change things between us, but I can’t offer her anything but pleasure.

Not right now. How can I be there for someone else when I can’t even be there for myself?

I’m falling apart, so I grip her skin like a lifeline.

Her cream explodes across my tongue, and the way her moans fill my tiny dorm room lets me know she is going to be so sweet when I fuck her. I bet she’ll scream for me and claw my back. I can’t fucking wait. I’ll lose myself between her thighs and ride out another night of memories.

“Oh fuck, I never knew it would feel this good.” She whimpers.

Lifting my head, I lick my lips and grin at her, knowing it actually reaches my eyes for once, which it hasn’t since . . . well, then. “You mean with a girl?”

Her face flames as she looks at me, and her teeth bite her bottom lip, making my smile fade.

“Alice?” I murmur in confusion.

“I mean with anyone,” she replies softly, and I freeze. “I’m a virgin.”

Those three words ring in my head so loudly, I feel sick. My desire flees in the wake of her confession, turning to horror and self-hatred.

Fuck!

She is choosing me to be her first, which doesn’t always have to be something special, but for her, I know it is, and I’m using her.

I’m fucking her because I need to chase off my demons.

She could be anyone, but she’s fucking me because she wants me, and that makes me hate myself a little more than normal.

I realize this would mean everything to her and make it impossible for her to walk away. You don’t save this for that long and give it to someone you don’t care about. No, I would ruin her if I did this. This should be a good memory for her that’s untainted by my issues, so I’ll make her hate me.

Her eyes widen in worry as she closes her legs and covers her breasts with her hands self-consciously. “Lally, did I do something wrong?” she asks, sounding so innocent and hesitant that I feel like a fucking perv.

“No, but trust me, you don’t want me to be your first,” I mutter as I sit up and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. I can still taste her, and it makes me hate everything about this moment. I’ve already ruined my life. I won’t ruin hers too.

“Wait, what?” She sits up, crossing her arms over her chest, her big eyes imploring me to talk to her, to tell her I’m joking. “I want this. I want you?—”

Cutting my hand through the air, I silence her as I grab my shirt and pull it back on, the jersey falling to my knees as I scramble from the bed and stand at the end of it, needing to get away from her before I say fuck it and just fuck her like I want.

This will only end one way—hurting her. I might be a complete jerk, but I’m not that far gone. Alice is nice, good, and kind, and she doesn’t deserve this for her first time.

No, it will be easier if she hates me. She’s the type to understand and wait, so I need her to leave and never come back before I don’t have the strength to reject her again.

“If I did something wrong, let me know. You can teach me what you like.” Despite her bold words, her face blushes in embarrassment, her gaze averted in shame and sadness.

God, she’s so fucking sweet.

I can’t do sweet. I can’t do innocent.

I’ll rot it from the inside out, just like my own soul.

“This was a mistake,” I snap harsher than I mean to.

Her head jerks up, her eyes starting to glisten with tears.

I didn’t mean it that way, but it does the trick.

It’s easier if she hates me. It will achieve what I need.

She pulls her skirt up and slides her shirt on, covering herself with shaking hands.

I make myself memorize her trembling hands and tear-filled eyes.

I use it to feed my hatred so I never forget why I should stay away from her.

This is all I can offer her. There’s nothing left. My soul, heart, dreams, and future are in the ground alongside him.

Can’t she see I’m doing this for her?

I don’t think I could stand having Alice Anders regret me.

She hesitates near the bed, raising her eyes to mine again. “I don’t know what I did. Being a virgin isn’t a big deal. It’s my birthday, my choice, and I’m choosing you.”

“Don’t,” I snap, and she flinches at my cruel tone, so I prowl toward her.

She backs up and almost trips, staring at me like I’m a stranger.

Maybe I am because I don’t even recognize myself anymore.

I try not to breathe as I draw closer, not wanting her sweet scent to wrap around me and lower my resolve.

“Go home, Alice. Find a nice guy or even a girl to settle down with—one without issues. Whatever you’re into. ”

“You,” she whispers, her eyes big. “I’m into you. I didn’t see anyone until you. It doesn’t matter to me that you’re a girl. It’s you I want. I fell for you and what’s inside?—”

“You have no idea what’s inside me, little girl,” I snarl cruelly.

“You’re just some easy ass for me. Don’t you see that?

” Fuck, I hate myself right now. “This was never anything more than a quick fuck. Don’t confuse me with the forever type.

I’m not that. It isn’t my fault you made me into something I’m not in your head. ”

“Lally,” she croaks. “Talk to me. What’s happening? This isn’t you.”

“This is me.” I throw my arms wide. “You’re just another in a long line of lovers, Alice, so take the escape while you can. I’m not worth it.”

I don’t know what she reads in those words or the crack in my voice, but her expression softens, and she steps closer. “That’s for me to decide.”

“No, it’s not. Get out, Alice, and stay away from me. I don’t want you. I don’t want to spend my time teaching some little girl how to please me. I don’t want to be your experiment or trip on the wild side. Go back to your perfect little life and leave my fucked-up one alone.”

“I know you’re struggling?—”

“You don’t know shit!” I spit with a bitter laugh.

“You don’t know anything, Alice, so stop fucking pretending.

You’re still a scared little girl hiding behind your brother, and I’m sick of you following me around.

Get out before I throw you out.” Turning away, I head to my desk and sit, refusing to look at her and the damage I’ve caused.

It’s a lie. Alice has grown up so much recently, and she’s flourishing into a confident, independent woman, yet even after everything, she never stopped being kind and caring.

Where that night changed me, making me angry and bitter, she used it to reinforce her faith that there is good, and people deserve that.

We are so fucking different, and all this time, I have been leeching off her kindness, desperate to feel a shred of the happiness she does, but tonight, I realized I won’t ever be the old Lally again, no matter what anybody wants.

She died with him.

“I might not know everything, Lally, but I know you’re struggling.

You don’t mean any of this. When you are ready to talk, I’ll be there.

You can’t push me away no matter how much you want to.

We’re friends. I care about you, and I hate that you are in pain.

I’ll be on the other end of the phone when you decide to stop being a coward and let me in. ”

I flinch because she’s right—I’m a fucking coward.

She hesitates at the door, but I don’t look at her, and when I finally hear it shut, the tension in my shoulders unwinds and I sigh heavily, my eyes on the pictures on my desk.

I hurt her, but it’s for the best.

I am not someone Alice Anders can fix or love. I’m too broken for that.

I can’t be what she wants.

Picking up the photo of Evan, Tommy, and me, I swallow the pain threatening to choke me. This is my constant now, making me selfish and angry. I stare at Tommy’s smiling face and realize I can’t remember what he smelled like.

It’s enough to send me spiraling once more, just like every night since he died.

I knew she would tell him.

I stare at my phone vibrating with the call, Evan’s name and grinning face staring back at me, but I don’t have the energy to answer it, so I watch it ring and then stop. Two minutes later, a message comes through, and it makes me want to scream.

I just want the whole world to leave me alone. I can’t deal. Can’t they see that?

I can’t pretend to be what they need me to be.

I can’t pretend to be okay all the time, and nobody really cares if I’m not. It just makes them feel bad, so I started ignoring them.

I know my friends are worried, but I can’t seem to care, not as the darkness drags me under. Gripping my bedspread, I shove it over my head, the darkness wrapping around me like a comforting hug, and try to ignore everything else.

Her scent is all over my bed, so I kick off my bedding with a scream. I lie flat on the mattress, breathing heavily, and feel tears slide down my cheeks before I wipe them away. I fucking hate crying.

Knowing tonight is going to be filled with nightmares, I get up, get dressed, and head out.

I can’t have her, but there are faceless others I can lose myself in. I don’t want to feel anything tonight.

With the first drink of alcohol at the party, I lose myself, and I don’t come up for air for a very long time.

I let it drown me.

I let everything else go, focusing on the numbness I find in a bottle.