Page 103 of Balance

“Miles!” I breathed, focusing all my attention on my scattering calm despite my panic. I knew this was only Miles, and Iknewhe would never hurt me. Yet it was impossible to contain my terror.

“Miles, wake up!” I pushed against him, and my voice broke.

His soft snore ended in a grunt, and his face twisted as bleary eyes opened.

“Bianca?” he asked, his voice groggy. Without any awareness of the situation, his hold loosened as he touched my face. “What—”

His question dropped mid-breath, and his eyes widened while he stilled.

“Shit!” He retreated instantly, pushing to his knees and pulling me into a sitting position in one quick movement.

“Bianca, I’m sorry!” he said, tucking the blanket around me. “I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s o-okay.” The remorse and worry in his gaze made my mind rebel against my fear. How was it possible to feel guilty, yet terrified, at the same time?

Still, his horrified expression was my undoing, and—even though it was hard—I forced myself to swallow while I fought to regain my composure.

None of this was Miles’s fault.

“It’s okay.” This time my voice was firmer. “Don’t be sorry,” I said, reminding myself of this as much as him. “These things happen. It’s just a fact of life.”

“But we’ve never slept together naked,” Miles said, bringing my fears back to light. “And I usually wake up before you in the morning. I’m sorry—”

“Please stop apologizing.” I gritted my teeth, tearing my eyes from his. Couldn’t we stop talking about this? Why couldn’t we pretend this never happened?

This was the exact situation I had been trying to avoid. My focus turned to his tense shoulders, and I fought to keep my tone indifferent. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine!” Miles’s touch lingered over my arms, as if he were afraid to touch me. “You’re shaking.”

“It’s normal.I’mnormal!” I pushed to my feet, taking the blanket with me, and turned to the mouth of the cave. I had to get away, just for one second. “It’sfine. Don’t overreact over this. I’m going to check outside for a minute. The clothes should be dry. You can get dressed first.”

“Bianca—” he called after me, but I ignored him.

I just needed one minute to myself. Once I gained control of my pounding heart and spiraling thoughts, I’d go back.

I could be normal. I would do it even if it killed me. I couldn’t let the boys take any responsibility for my problems.

I stepped out of the cave, and the brisk autumn air washed over me. These smelled different than the those in the town I’d learned to call home. It was halfway to noon, or as much as I could tell, which meant we’d overslept.

So much for meeting the others halfway.

It was nice though, to know that some things stayed the same. Waking early was not my thing, and I hoped it never would be. I shook my head, pressing my palms to my temples. Never would I become one ofthosepeople. It was unnatural.

“Bianca.” Miles stumbled out of the cave—fully dressed in his torn shirt and camo pants—more quickly than I expected. “Can I—”

“What time is it?” I asked, pointing at the sun.

“What?” he paused, blinking at me before he peered at the sky. I wasn’t certain of how to read the sun exactly, but if Miles was prone to wilderness pilgrimages, then he should know.

“I don’t know,” he responded, shrugging as he turned his attention to me. “Probably after ten. Who cares? We need to talk about—”

“I’m hungry,” I told him. There was no need to discuss anything. It was already forgotten.

Food was a safe topic. Miles was the only one I could count on for food, while everyone else—but mostly Damen—failed terribly. “What’s the plan until we catch up to the others? Do you know how to skin a deer?”

While we had no real supplies of our own, we did have that rusty old knife.

“Wait, what?” Miles blinked and raised his hands, stepping back. “No, I’m not going to kill a deer! This isstilla pilgrimage!”